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  • my boyfriend told me he was beaten as a child

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    Old 11-18-2013, 10:29 PM   #1
    billytwo
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    Unhappy my boyfriend told me he was beaten as a child

    My boyfriend told me the other night while drunk that he had some "baggage" he wanted to tell me but wanted to wait until he was sober. I respected that, and was nervous to hear about what it was.

    When I felt the time was right, I asked about it, I thought it would be something to do with a bad breakup, but he caught me off guard when he told me his dad beat him when he was young.

    He told me it very nonchalantly, and said he's since forgiven his dad. I got very upset, and I understood that he doesn't want me to dislike his dad for something he has personally forgiven him for, but I deeply care for my boyfriend and honestly any instance of child abuse just makes me upset and feel sick. I feel awful when I hear about this happening to someone I don't know, and I couldn't stop crying when I found out it happened to someone I loved.

    He was really annoyed with me and changed the subject, he kept trying to tell me it was okay and that he's grown from it. I didn't mean to be insensitive I just couldn't stop crying. Once he changed the subject he talked about really non-serious stuff like tv shows and I pulled myself together because it seemed like he was really angry I was so upset over it.

    Does anyone know what I should do? I know he doesn't want me to dislike his dad but I don't think I can help it. I feel like I can't tell him this because it will hurt him. I just wish I hadn't made him so uncomfortable and had been so invasive about something so traumatic.

     
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    Old 11-19-2013, 01:00 AM   #2
    Denise76
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    Being abused is a very rough subject and we all HATE to hear about it. Your boyfriend is right in forgiving his father! Forgiveness is the only way to get through this. I would deeply suggest you pray about this situation that God will give you peace so that you can deal with it and be there for your boyfriend! God Bless you both!

     
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    Old 11-19-2013, 07:23 AM   #3
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    Re: my boyfriend told me he was beaten as a child

    Hi,Denise is right, forgiveness is the way for your boyfriend to get over this. If your boyfriend found it in his heart to forgive his father, maybe you should too. Were these beatings in the context of discipline that went too far or were they random beatings?

     
    Old 11-19-2013, 08:06 AM   #4
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    Re: my boyfriend told me he was beaten as a child

    Honestly, I don't think this is the end of the world. I can understand that you are sensitive to this issue, but being beaten up by parents was a fairly common thing just a few years back. I had my own amount of physical punishment, although it was never severe, and I didn't end up hating my parents for that. I think that in some cases calling names can be much worse than (light) physical punishment. If your boyfriend already forgave his father for whatever he did to him, I can't see any good reason why he brought this up again with you. Don't get me wrong, but somehow I am led to think your boyfriend wanted to stand in the spotlight, if you see what I mean.

    Last edited by pendulum; 11-19-2013 at 08:07 AM.

     
    Old 11-19-2013, 08:29 AM   #5
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    Re: my boyfriend told me he was beaten as a child

    let it go and don't make a big drama out of it

     
    Old 11-19-2013, 04:04 PM   #6
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    Re: my boyfriend told me he was beaten as a child

    We didn't get into the circumstances of the beatings, I think they may have been disciplinary but I know for a fact that they were very severe.

    I understand that physical punishment is common, my parents used to smack me around when I did something wrong, I'm sorry I wasn't more specific, I should have explained that they were very terrible.

    I'm not trying to be overdramatic, I just feel really bad for my boyfriend and wanted to know what the best steps were to take to be sensitive to what he's dealt with. I want to thank everyone for their support. I think the best thing is to not make a big deal out of it because he, obviously, does not think it is, and not hold things against his father because he's forgiven his dad.

     
    Old 11-19-2013, 04:14 PM   #7
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    Re: my boyfriend told me he was beaten as a child

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
    Honestly, I don't think this is the end of the world. I can understand that you are sensitive to this issue, but being beaten up by parents was a fairly common thing just a few years back. I had my own amount of physical punishment, although it was never severe, and I didn't end up hating my parents for that. I think that in some cases calling names can be much worse than (light) physical punishment. If your boyfriend already forgave his father for whatever he did to him, I can't see any good reason why he brought this up again with you. Don't get me wrong, but somehow I am led to think your boyfriend wanted to stand in the spotlight, if you see what I mean.
    I'm going to meet his parents for the first time soon so maybe that's why he brought it up? But that is a good point.

    Also his punishment was very severe, he didn't go into it he just said it was really bad, it wasn't like being smacked around or hit he was beaten very badly.

     
    Old 11-19-2013, 04:43 PM   #8
    Kszan
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    Re: my boyfriend told me he was beaten as a child

    There's nothing for you to do. When you meet his parents, especially his dad, don't say anything, don't bring it up. It's not your situation to deal with. And your bf sounds like he has already dealt with his feelings about it and has come to some sort of an understanding with his dad, so the matter is closed.

    Maybe he just wanted you to know. But be very careful. Boys who grow up being abused tend to turn into abusers themselves and the cycle continues forever as they become an example for their children, etc. If he starts exhibiting any kind of controlling, paranoid, or disrespectful behavior toward you at any point then you know he has become another statistic and it's probably best to move on. But if he hasn't done any of that yet then just keep your guard up and make sure you're very aware of his treatment of you at all times.

     
    Old 11-19-2013, 05:15 PM   #9
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    Re: my boyfriend told me he was beaten as a child

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    There's nothing for you to do. When you meet his parents, especially his dad, don't say anything, don't bring it up. It's not your situation to deal with. And your bf sounds like he has already dealt with his feelings about it and has come to some sort of an understanding with his dad, so the matter is closed.

    Maybe he just wanted you to know. But be very careful. Boys who grow up being abused tend to turn into abusers themselves and the cycle continues forever as they become an example for their children, etc. If he starts exhibiting any kind of controlling, paranoid, or disrespectful behavior toward you at any point then you know he has become another statistic and it's probably best to move on. But if he hasn't done any of that yet then just keep your guard up and make sure you're very aware of his treatment of you at all times.
    I had no intention to? I'm not an insensitive idiot I respect his feelings and would not want to create a bad relationship with his father when he's obviously forgiven his dad.

    And he's a very kind person, to me and everyone he knows. He's never been violent with me physically or verbally, he's very kind and calmly explains things to me even when we do fight. I really don't think he will repeat the actions of his father, but I will be careful if you feel like I should.

     
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