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  • On the verge of breakup. How do I move on if things do turn for the worse?

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    Old 01-11-2014, 12:37 AM   #1
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    On the verge of breakup. How do I move on if things do turn for the worse?

    Look you probably hate reading long essays but if you think you can help me, you must let me tell you my story. I'll promise I'll be as brief as I can but it will still feel a little long. I've broken the stuff up in paragraphs and sections for easier readings. But please forgive any boredom I may impose upon you unintentionally.

    Finally you don't have to be good at psychiatry or counselling to help me. If you and me share a common experience and you know of a remedy that greatly helped you, I'd be very eager to know.

    Please read on. And thanks for reading so far even if you have decided not to read my story after all.


    I'm a guy and I'm going through a tough time in my relationship. A breakup seems inevitable and what worries me is how I'm going to cope with the loss of my first romantic relationship due to the haunting memories that will remain which they say you cannot easily forget.


    I'm in my early 20s and she's of the same age. She was the one who asked me out. When we began she had extreme self-esteem issues. She had various problems of her own life and called herself “unlucky” and “unworthy”. But over years, I helped her change for the better. We were happy. We had our memories littered over places we visited, gifts we shared with each other, things we celebrated together. I always treated her right and with respect. I would try to cheer her up every time she was sad even if I was feeling down myself for some reason. I was always there to listen to her and supported her when ever she needed it.

    I am a conservative introvert and have very few friends. She was one of the few who knew many of my life secrets that I wouldn't tell anyone otherwise. She felt like she was the only one who understood me and she really did.

    I fell in love with her over time to a point where I would miss her badly if I didn't get to talk to her for a day. It's worth noting that we lived in different towns set apart by an hour or so if I used a rapid transit. So while we didn't meet up everyday, we made sure to talk everyday and more than once.

    We both left our collages behind and went seeking jobs. Our lives became busier but we still made sure to talk at least once a day when we were not meeting up. This went on for another year.


    Only recently she hardly talks so much anymore and for the last few days she even put my number up (along with others as she would claim) amongst the rejected callers list in her phone. When I did talk to her yesterday about it, she said she doesn't want to talk to anybody and she doesn't feel anything anymore. I've been getting hints of this for quite some time but I was assuming she was upset about something and wasn't a big deal. I figured things will go back to normal after I talked to her, as it normally happened.

    She's a spiritual person and she somehow strongly believes that she will be a disaster in my life. She not only completely rejects the idea of us marrying some day (which she used to fantasize about once), she literally says I should see someone else and that it was my mistake to have ever loved her because she is a walking bad luck for me or something. I kept telling her the only disaster that she could bring upon me is pushing me away from her with these god-awful reasons between us but she seems cold and remains firm to her decision. From time to time she still shows signs of whatever is left of her emotions inside her but it's only so much.


    I'm a very rational and a logical person and I was aware she was spiritual before we even began dating. We did not have problems up until now. In fact we got along well and the contrast of reasoning between me and her kept the relationship alive and exciting. We also acknowledged and compromised with each other's decision making from time to time as needed to maintain harmony and we did well throughout these past years. I can be sure of one thing: she was never THIS stubborn in her spiritual beliefs and was never THIS broken from the inside. Even before I met her.

    Situation, again:

    So now I feel like I'm stuck on a railway track and am seeing headlights approaching me fast. She may already be train wrecked but I could end up worse.

    I promised myself once that I would never cry if things like this ever happen and every day it's getting harder and harder just to keep that promise. I was already a lonely person and she came to me and brightened up my life in a way. Like adding insult to injury, I'm not just losing her, I'm also being tormented by being alone again. All the happiness is being sucked out of me and the mere thought about being no longer be able to see her just hurts me more.

    Maybe she still has feelings for me deep inside somewhere? Maybe her spiritual nonsense is taking over her? She may also have secrets she doesn't want to share because she believes sharing them will hurt her more. It doesn't make sense. I'm not really sure anymore.

    What you would advice me to do and why it's not so easy:

    If you would advice me to talk to her about it, I would say I already did. And the result were not very positive. She used to share her problems with me and us both would work to sort it out. But this time, she would just say her life is pretty much confirmed to be doomed and nothing can be done about it. Although she is pretty tight-lipped of recent, I got her to reveal hints about the work pressure she is under as of late. I also feel somebody or something must have reinforced her spiritual belief to such extent. Everything else, I have no clue about.

    If you would advice me to help her get some counselling, I would call it a great idea that I thought myself at some point. Then I'd realize that she's like a possessed person and will reject any idea of correcting her "beliefs". She would downright refuse any help I want to give her.

    If you would advice me to move on, I would say it's very difficult since our happy memories are nearly around everywhere I live. Every time I would look at that wind chime she got me my last birthday, I would probably lose myself in depression over what I have lost and what I am I missing. She would probably be haunting me every single night in my dreams and I'd pretty much need to run away from my home and everything for to even regain my sanity.

    If you would want me to start by hating her for what she has done (or is doing) to me, I just can't do that. I love her too much to hate her. It may be very stupid of me, but I've tried to hate her but can't help missing her when I'm forcing myself to not talk to her or think about her.

    If there are any other advices or workarounds for these problems I'm facing, I'm ready to pay attention.

    My question:

    This is tough because my question is as unclear as the fate of our relationship.

    What? What can I do to fix this? This should be the obvious question but I feel like it can't be fixed anymore. I'm losing hope. And fast.

    How? How can I forget her and erase my memories of her? I don't want to be haunted by her forever. I don't want to remember the great things we did together later on only to be reminded of what is gone forever. What I want right now is full amnesia or something. I don't even want to remember who I am.

    The last thing I want is being reminded of her when and if I'm in a future relationship with somebody else. I don't know if I can forget her so easily.

    And Why? Why can’t I just accept this and move on like someone amongst the readers would likely suggest? I want to move on. I want to forget her. I want to deny her total existence but I just can't. Without her, memories of me and her will become like gravestones as if to remind me of what's gone, every single day.

    Even if I leave her, would I really be happy knowing she would be slowly dying inside of her? I don't think I can ever be at peace as long as I love her.


    I don't know. Maybe if she gets a better job maybe she will see her senses. But seems very less likely. But I'm pretty sure I'll fall into a depression once... nah I've already BEGUN falling into depression already. Being rejected is one thing. But this is something else entirely. I won't be able to get over her easily.

    I often keep myself buried in work at office or call a friend over to play videogames together with me just to feel normal. But it doesn't last forever. As soon as they are gone I feel lonely again. And then the thought of it all comes back to haunt me.

    The girl I fell in love with over a few years of time has changed to become somebody who feels like anyone I barely know. A once fun-loving and cheerful girl who dreamed of settling down with me and having a nice family (that she herself lacked) turned into an overly emotion-less shut-in with no more hopes or dreams and enormous self-esteem issues.

    I need to start over. I need to "Reset" my life and begin anew. Unfortunately I'm too attached and in love with a person who changed so abruptly for reasons unknown and is seemingly beyond any help I can provide.

    I can't let her go. I can't stay with her. This is a cruel, cruel punishment for me. And I want peace. You think you can help me find peace in life? Maybe you have a peace formula you learned the hard way and feeling to share? I need all the help I could get.

    Thank you so much for using your precious time and reading up to the end. I hope I wasn't terribly boring. I really appreciate you bearing with me so far.

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    Old 01-12-2014, 07:50 AM   #2
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    Re: On the verge of breakup. How do I move on if things do turn for the worse?

    Hi, sometimes trying to keep a girlfriend is counter intuitive so what you should do is drop all contact with her for awhile and if she asks you what is going on just tell her you need some time alone and leave it at that. If she really wants you, let her work for it, she may develop a new respect for you. If she is OK with you not contacting her just let her go.......girls come and go in a young mans life and believe me you can do better than an insecure pseudo spiritualist and there is nothing you had with her that you can not find in someone else. The big do you stop the pain of heartache, well you don't, you go through it and become a better man in the end...

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    Old 01-12-2014, 08:25 AM   #3
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    Re: On the verge of breakup. How do I move on if things do turn for the worse?

    Breakups are tough. It's the worst part of being in a relationship. But millions of people have gone through breakups and most of them have felt the same way you do right now, and they got through it fine. And you will too. There's nothing different or unusual about your breakup situation from everyone else's. All the stuff you're feeling and saying it's what pretty much everyone feels and says when going through a break up. It's really intensely painful at first and it feels like it will never get better, but it does. It gets better and by the time you meet the next girl, you're going to think she is even better than the last one. And if that relationship ends, the same thing will happen until you meet the next one, who you will think was better than the last two combined. And so on and so forth. That's how it always goes. That's what happens every time. The bottom line is, it's only feeling really hopeless right now because you're at the very beginning of the process. But you'll see that it's going to get better and you'll be fine. The no contact rule will make a huge difference, because you can't get over someone if you're talking to them every day, it's not possible. No contact make the process a lot smoother for you.

    Old 01-12-2014, 10:58 PM   #4
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    Re: On the verge of breakup. How do I move on if things do turn for the worse?

    Thanks Kszan and lenvegas, for your replies.

    I see both of you highly recommend me to back off a bit and let her take the path she wants to walk on. I will do exactly that and wait for any conclusion she makes. And hopefully, this no-contact rule will come handy when I'm trying to move on.

    Appreciate both of your efforts to read through it all and assist me in getting over this. Thanks so much once again!

    Old 01-13-2014, 07:48 AM   #5
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    Re: On the verge of breakup. How do I move on if things do turn for the worse?

    Hi again, I know things will be fine for you........Please let us know from time to time how you are doing....

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