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  • I feel strong anger to my boyfriend

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    Old 05-09-2014, 05:43 AM   #1
    Istar's Avatar
    Join Date: May 2014
    Location: Istanbul
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    Istar HB User
    Red face I feel strong anger to my boyfriend

    I guess after so much time of struggling with myself, I need to ask people for help. I can't stop hating/being angry at my boyfriend. I also realize that everything I am going to write here will be purely my subjective opinion, but acknowledging that I will try to be as objective as I can.

    So, I've been dating with this guy for a year now. It was a blast for both of us, sexual driven energy just exploded. I must mention that I lived for a while in the conflict zones and felt lonely very often prior to the meeting with my current boyfriend. So, when we met I had first time in my life this strong feeling for a person, BUT we didn't speak common language. We spoke two different languages and at the beginning our communication was limited to google.translate and loads of gestures. Surprisingly, in a week I started to speak his language, and with time I only advanced in expressing myself. We developed our own sort of language, which wasn't a real one but we could talk about politics, economy, all possible stuff.
    I was amazed with this relationship, for I truly believed it was real love. Despite all negative prognosis of my friends, we stayed together. And this feeling sort of pulled me more into our relations.
    Nevertheless, when I met him I had a wonderful job, salary, experience. I was busy all the time, jogging and sport every day. I had friends, desire for life. And the fact that he knows only one language, whereas I speak at least 6 languages fluently was always bothering me. Plus, those negative expressions of my friends about absolute absurd of my BF and me being together also bothered my mind. I always doubted. Always. Later I found out that he was in the process of a divorce. Wasn't nice discovery, but I thought "why not, he is divorcing.."
    When I traveled to a different country I was about to break up with him, because I believed I didn't fall in love with him. But then he said that he bought the tickets to my native city/country and he is going there alone in the middle of this winter. Back than I was shocked and even frustrated, I had a feeling my privacy was violated by this man, but then he was so sweet over the phone and promises of love that I said OK. And I also bought a ticket to my homeland. So, after one month apart we met in my city, and it was beautiful. Until the moment when money issue came along. My business project wasn't going well because I discovered that people I was working with were not reliable at all, and he was always lacking money. He came to my homeland and stayed for about 3 months living in my apartment, on my shoulders. I never thought about spending MY money, because relationships were often much more important for me than money is. This February I stopped the project and by April I ran out of money. Yes, I didn't manage to save because of various issues which I am not going to bore you with.
    Then the big depression started. He was laying on the bed looking into the ceiling, being deeply depressed. I was too, but I tried to cheer both of us up. Then he went back to his country and returned in 2 weeks with a ring, saying that he earned something and that I don't need to worry about work until September and I can fully focus on re-evaluation of my project.
    And then Divorce happened. The judge ordered him to pay 20 thousand dollars to his ex-wife, and this is how all money ran out.

    Why I am emphasizing money issues so much, because this is when the troubles started. We started to pay attention to small things, because of his depression I lost sexual desire for him and couldn't have sex. I tried to explain that WE ARE STILL together, and this should be our happiness in the times of hardship. But he didn't understand and this is how my energy ended.
    Then, after a while we stopped talking at home, I could feel the pressure from everywhere, I myself was deeply depressed because my close person was dying from cancer and money issue and and and.. So, I told him that I can't continue this way because I don't feel we are a couple anymore, but two people living together without talking to each other.
    He said he understands everything and that was it. When I tried talking about it - he avoided and continued living at my place.
    I deeply respect him, for he gave me a lot of support and love, for he is a very loving man. But I always had a feeling we don't have common point. He doesn't understand my desire to travel, meet different people every day, longboard and snowboard, laugh at the times of hardship. I needed him to be with me. On the other hand, he didn't have anything, which was personally HIS, instead he tried living my life. Eventually I stopped seeing my friends, cuz he doesn't speak English and feels awkward around them, I lost self-confidence, I became emotionally dependent on him and I started to feel lonely.

    Soon, he found his countrymen and started to leave home at 1 pm and returning home 10 or 11 pm. This is when I started to feel horrifying anger, I wanted to killed him, to punish him but always I tried to stay calm.
    We spoke today (even though we sort of broke up, he still lives at my place on my bed and behaves like nothing happens) that I don't understand how he can spend hours with his friends when there is no food at home and there is no any income. He said that there is nothing wrong with it, and I again lost this conversation for myself.

    I don't know what should I do. Practical mind tells me we are no fit for each other, my heart tells me it hates him and loves him a lot, and burning feeling in my chest wants to kills him, shoot, punish, destroy for I feel he is unfair to me.

    So, please, give me an advice, what is happening. I feel I am fulling myself, but till the end I want to believe in love that can go through hardships to success. Am I building air castles?

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