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  • Wanting Different Things in Relationships - When to Change?

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    Old 07-23-2014, 07:28 AM   #1
    DixieDoodle78
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    Wanting Different Things in Relationships - When to Change?

    I am 36 years old and I think I am growing and having changing needs, yet feel guilty about this. When do we draw the line between going after what we want and need or is this something that is pure selfishness on my part?

    At this time, I am in a relationship with a man and we live together for 9 years. In my heart of hearts, I don't think we have enough in common and as time goes on, it is getting harder to fake this or find alternate things that can make it better.

    When I was in my late twenties, my ideal relationship was a very independent one since I was very career oriented (still am) and also did not have very good role models in parents who were married but hardly talked and we did nothing as a family. As an adult, I am fully aware of the modeling we may do based on what see as children. At this current time, I am more in need of a relationship that has more closeness, good conversation and common things once in a while (although I still would value occasional alone time).

    In my gut, I do not want to marry this person and want a relationship with a person who I value, have common interests and happen to be wildly attracted to. We seem to fight a lot and he has a temper that is nasty at times and says hurtful things to me. He has gotten better over the years and I give him credit for going to therapy when we needed it. I still go to therapy for myself to keep working on myself.

    Since he comes across to me as dismissive or uninterested in my changing values, I find myself shutting down and afraid to make a move.

    How have others on here embraced their changes, had strength to move on or make their relationships better? Am I being selfish if I am changing and we seem to drift further apart? Thanks so much.

     
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    Old 07-23-2014, 07:48 AM   #2
    rosequartz
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    Re: Wanting Different Things in Relationships - When to Change?

    you are absolutely NOT being selfish!
    you see this relationship is not meeting your needs, not making you happy......what is the purpose of continuing? are you doing it for him? are you afraid of hurting him or are you afraid of a change?

     
    Old 07-23-2014, 10:11 AM   #3
    Kszan
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    Re: Wanting Different Things in Relationships - When to Change?

    A person can change a lot from their 20s into their mid to late 30s. It's not all that surprising that your needs are changing. If you were with the right person, you'd both have recognized this and been able to work toward a solution. But since the guy is not growing in maturity and life experience, like he is supposed to have been, you're feeling this way. The relationships that aren't meant to be typically run their course and you find out that you're not compatible. No sense in trying to make it something that it isn't. I don't think there's any selfishness on your part at all. You just need to decide now how much longer you want to stay tethered to someone who you've realized is not right for you in the long run. You're already 36 so don't waste too much more time staying when you know that's not right for your life's plan.

     
    Old 07-23-2014, 12:39 PM   #4
    DixieDoodle78
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    Re: Wanting Different Things in Relationships - When to Change?

    Thank you for your response-I appreciate it. To answer your question, yes, I think I am afraid of change due to two specific reasons - afraid of failure and afraid of someone else saying "I told you so" if I find that the grass isn't always greener. I am afraid of change and if people laugh at my choices, then that is the ultimate abandonment.

    Trying to get my rational thoughts (like this relationship may not be "the one") together with my emotions (what if I make the wrong decision/who do I think I am/you may be alone forever for asking too much) is a difficult task at hand.

     
    Old 07-23-2014, 12:49 PM   #5
    Seraph
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    Re: Wanting Different Things in Relationships - When to Change?

    I agree with the others. I have seen this many times, where one partner is growing and dealing with things and the other one is not. One of two things generally happen: the majority of relationships founder because the partners are well out of step, or the foot-dragger wakes up and joins the party so to speak. I think you owe it to yourself, your partner, and your future emotional health to have a good session with him and a therapist. He will be more attentive to your concerns in a therapy session. I am not talking so much about fixing the relationship, rather that you give him all your reasons, and an opportunity for him to respond. Even a breakup will be managed better and less painfully if you put everything on the table, and it is more likely that he will hear you in a counselling environment. When you leave a relationship for reasons other than infidelity or abuse, it will feel good to know that you left it honourably and without more hurt than necessary. Sera

     
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