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confused and hating my meds

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Old 11-19-2008, 07:20 PM   #1
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1
tunes123 HB User
confused and hating my meds

im 16 and I have been in a constant state of hating everything. About 5 months ago I attempted suicide and was sent to the mental institution for about a week. I got out and spent the summer pretty much drinking and smoking weed, I was bad. After I finally broke up with my bf who i was on and off with for 4 years because he treated me horribly and made my life miserable i met this new boy who has been absolutly amazing to me, but i was still not right. I frequently had mood swings and just hated the world even though looking, my life was going quite well. They diagnosed me biopolar and I went back to the institution again. After another week in there I came out a zombie. When on my meds I have a limitted personality and cant be happy or sad or anything in between, I'm just blah. So I frequently stop taking my meds just to feel alive to again and the frst few days off it works, I'm happy, I draw again, everything is great. But then the thoughts always come back eventually. I finally admitted to my boyfriend that I had never told anyone before but most of my life I've heard voices telling me the ones I love were going to kill me, I know it sounds weird but its been going on for a lot of my life but until recently I could control it. Now I just hear it whenever I'm off my meds. My boyfriend told me it sounded like schizophrenia from what he had heard and urged me to tell my doctor to see what they thought. But these doctors are always so quick to diagnose me with anything that it may seem I have. I also know that this diagnoses will result in more meds that aren't gonna let me be myself. I love me and I want to be me not some zombie that cant feel. Is there any hope for my life to be good again
ps. I really dont wanna screw things up with this kid, he's amazing, like perfect for me in so many ways and he's stickin by me even tho all this craziness reached its peak very early in our relationship and I'm so afraid I'm gonna do something to mess it up when I'm in my weird frame of mind please any advice

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Old 11-19-2008, 10:08 PM   #2
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Earth
Posts: 309
MSD607 HB User
Re: confused and hating my meds

Hey, sorry to hear you've been going through such a hard time. I know how you feel- I'm 18 and in college and I'm completely miserable with paranoid schizophrenia...when I went on my meds I turned into a different person too. I don't know that you can do much about the side effects of the meds, but when you're feeling like a zombie, you should just remember the things that used to make you happy (drawing and such) and just force yourself to do it. You should absolutely tell your doctor about the voices. It doesn't necessarily mean you have Schizophrenia; I know of many people who are Bipolar and hear voices. I also know that if you don't tell your doctor things could get worse and I know you don't want that. It's really great that your boyfriend is so supportive- you're lucky to have him! Well, I hope this helps!

Old 11-20-2008, 07:49 AM   #3
dreams in neon
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: WI
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dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: confused and hating my meds

MSD is right. I experience auditory hallucinations and I'm Bipolar I with Psychotic Features Rapid Cycling and Schizoaffective - Bipolar Type.

Try to hang in there with your meds. I know it's easier said than done, but you'll start to feel better if you do.

When I was hospitalized for a severe manic/psychotic episode 2 years ago, they pumped me up with all kinds of antipsychotics and mood stabilizers causing me to be catatonic for 17 hours straight.

However, after a week, the catatonia subsided and I began to feel more like myself again. Better yet, my auditory hallucinations started to disappear.

I know how you're feeling. I've been there.

Good luck.

dreams in neon
Bipolar I - Rapid Cycling
Schizoaffective Disorder - Bipolar Type

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