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Naebaby137 05-28-2004 03:01 PM

Tired and Lonely
 
Hi everyone.. i wanted to post something to say how I felt but i'm having trouble.. i don't really know how I feel.. All i know is that im lonely and so tired, mentally and physically.. tired of trying to hide my arm everyday and tired of cutting all together but its like an addiction.. since im used to it being my only way out its like i cant stop...

People ask me about my arms in school,and im sick of lying about it and covering it up.. I'm sick of all my teachers picking on me for not being in a good mood.. for example my math teacher always asks me if hes going to get a happy me or a sad me.. but whenever i am sad (whiich is the majority of the time) he'll just make fun of me the whole time, i dont think he realizes his jokes really hurt me.. Most of all i hate school in general... every day is pure hell.. i cant stand being around people.. so i find some way to get out of it.. like this thing called study table that i can go to instead of lunch and stuff to get away from everyone.. I've become so unsociable and i dont mind it.. i like being alone... but even when im dying to come home.. i cant go in my room and be left alone because of my parents.. they know that ive cut..(they dont know i sitll do) so whenever i'm in my room by myself, they feel the need to check on me, when if i was just left alone inthe first place i would be fine. I feel so trapped, i have no place to go and no one to talk except all of you.. and as much as it helps, sometimes its not enough.

Nothing i said up there probably made any sense.. which i can understand because most of the time i dont really understand myself or what i feel..

Naebaby137 05-28-2004 04:02 PM

Re: Tired and Lonely
 
My dad just blew up at me again.. he's taking down my door so that i can't go in my room anymore and so that they can basicaally watch my every move.. he also yellled at me.. the only things he said were "what would mama and papa and grandma dee and papa jack think about this?" (those are my two sets of grandparents) and then he said " How do you think i feel" and "How could you do this to us" and oh yea my favorite, "what did me and mom do so wrong?" he never said anything about me, jsut about how everyone else would feel or say about it... i said ifelt trapped.. i know now what trapped is and i guess i was lucky before..oh yea he also said thanks for ruining his day.. when hes the one who brought it up to me and started fighting with me.. i jsut dont know what to do anymore

Naebaby137 05-29-2004 10:12 AM

Re: Tired and Lonely
 
[FONT=Tahoma]Ontheway,

Thank you so much, your amazing, reading that just put this huge smile on my face, and i realize that i do just need to focus on better things.. but it is so hard sometimes.. i feel lucky to be able to get on here and talk to you.. and im glad you understand, because its really hard to go through this alone.. i love your quote, " I feel to weak to survive, but to strong to give up " (i hope you dont mind if i use it sometime) and yes its a very good description of how i feel... i dont know that i am strong enough sometimes and i think thats when i cut.. but im going to try harder.. and i just want to thank you again for being here to encourage me to do so.. it helps sooo much!

:wave: *nAe[/FONT]

Ohiochick 05-30-2004 05:39 AM

Re: Tired and Lonely
 
I know it sucks don't it, being too old to feel like a kid and being too young to be taken seriously..........
I have been there, even though I am considered an adult now, I can still freshly and painly remember the uneasy feelings of being in front of my parents as a younger person and them confronting me as if I was 2 and I was being told no-no, and expecting me to respond as a fully grown and knowledgeable adult.

Nothing better discribes the emotion then the feeling of "being trapped"
Curious though of your age, I would guess about 14/ 15 or so......

When you get the chance and if you think you can go to your school counsler.
I know that seems embarassing, and too goofy to do but think of the hurt you could spare your self with a little understand from this math teacher of yours...........
Ask your counsler if you could have them talk to your teacher, tell them that you don't want to go into why you feel sad alot of the time but your math teacher seems to pick the days that you feel down and ride you for it.......even though it may be thier way of trying to cheer you up.......They may not see it as hurting you. Just ask the cousler if they would ask the teacher to not get on to you like that. It can help so much if just one thing in your life changes.

As far as your door in your room..........I feel sorry for you.
My dad always told me I had to "earn respect and the right to privacy."
Yeah OK!
But Maybe you could go to the library.....or on the net printout little things about cutting, something that discribes you as close as possible, and give it to them. Put it like under their pillow.......and they can read it before they go to bed.....
Or ask them to visit this site......Log out and tell them to come and read this board or other boards about cutting ......and tell them to ask questions about things they don't understand.

How close are you to your grandparents?
Do you talk to them by yourself?
GRandparents .....some .... have a high understanding for emotional pain. If you talk to one of them or all and explain that you just feel sad and then you sometimes cause yourself pain to get over feeling sad......without your dad or anyone else around......Maybe you could call them...

I hope you find some kind of help in all I have wrote.....You take care!

ontheway 06-01-2004 08:14 PM

Re: Tired and Lonely
 
[QUOTE=Naebaby137][FONT=Tahoma]Ontheway,

Thank you so much, your amazing, reading that just put this huge smile on my face, and i realize that i do just need to focus on better things.. but it is so hard sometimes.. i feel lucky to be able to get on here and talk to you.. and im glad you understand, because its really hard to go through this alone.. i love your quote, " I feel to weak to survive, but to strong to give up " (i hope you dont mind if i use it sometime) and yes its a very good description of how i feel... i dont know that i am strong enough sometimes and i think thats when i cut.. but im going to try harder.. and i just want to thank you again for being here to encourage me to do so.. it helps sooo much!

:wave: *nAe[/FONT][/QUOTE]


Hey my friend :wave:

Of course you can use my quote i dont mind at all, You made me smile with your post..I'm glad your able to get on here and talk when your hurting I know its so hard sometimes and it does feel like im too weak to survive but to strong to give up i feel like that alot i feel like am im going to continue to have to go thru all my problems i dont think i can and then i think i have to fight it because i cant give up im to strong for that i feel just stuck sometimes not sure on how to move but i do understand ya and i know life can throw out some hard things towards us but how we handle them makes all the difference and its sure noot easy but we can overcome in a better helpful way such has wirting our feelings down even if they are the same thing and praying to Jesus just talking to God or draw but i think its important at those times when we are so mad or upset or in that kind of mood we need to distract ourself and thats not all ways easy but maybe just hitting a pillow so much that u get tired something to get the feelings out but not on you something that does not feel anything and nothiong harmful just a pillow or a punching bag I know alot of the times it feels like we are not going to be ok but that shall pass and we will see some light shine thru our dark clouds that hang above us but God will put a rainbow up in the sky just for you. just keep looking for it sometimes our mind and our pain covers it up but its there (( hugs )) you take care [ [COLOR=Sienna][I]removed[/I][/COLOR] ] and vent or just tell me whats on ur mind u can come to the board hang in there God bless ya always

zimnah 06-04-2004 09:14 PM

Re: Tired and Lonely
 
hey there Nae:
I see that OnTheWay has been banned...just like I was for a week..felt like a year. Anyway: sweetie, hang in there. Your parents don;t know how to deal with this, so they try to compensate by making you feel guilty for what you put them through..It's absolute nonsense. Has nothing to do with what they feel, rather it has everything to do with the fear they feel for you. You scared them, good and proper, and they are frantic.
Okay, so I did the parent part. Now the cutter part. You've posted here,and you've read a lot here. I've posted to you before. You're young and have the advantage of seeking help under your parents' care. I know...I don't get it, I don't understand, I suck...I was your age when I started cutting. Do you really want to be 34 and still slicing up your arms??? I had to inform my manager at work that I was a cutter, and had to assure her that she did not need to worry that I would not be able to show up for work. It was a real reality check. She is very understanding, and I consider her a friend, but she also has to be a manager...she needs to be able to rely on her workforce, and I'm not looking too reliable at the moment.
The scars speak for me more than I want them to. I realise this post is rather ambiguous to your original, but I hope my experience helps you.
Dawn :bouncing:

Naebaby137 06-06-2004 07:03 PM

Re: Tired and Lonely
 
hey zimnah,

i know im sure ive scared my parents, but its like i hate talking to them about any of this because they just dont know how to take it.. and i understand that they dont know what to do either, but what i am supposed to do in the meantime? Just try to hide from them every minute or actaully try to reason with them when all they do is yell at me? i dont know its just hard for me right now and thats why i appreciate any advice i can get.. and im not saying to myself "you dont get it or you suck" because like i said im open to any thing.. i feel so alone right now, even tho i hardly know any of you on here, i at least have some one to talk to.

im sorry that at your age now, your still cutting, i know how hard it is to be depressed and cut for about a year, i cant imagine what its like living with it for so long, i will pray that you can overcome this.. im praying for all of us, cuz honestly it jsut really sux!

thank you so much!
*nAe


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