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  • how to tell someone??...sorry this is so long

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    Old 08-19-2004, 11:18 AM   #1
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Location: uk
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    funkypinklizard HB User
    Exclamation someone please reply :(

    (Sorry about the length but once i started i kinda got a bit carried away)

    Hi, well this is my first time posting on this board, so im not really sure wether or not to expect a reply lol but anyway
    ive been cutting for about 2 years now, i was reading some posts on here about bi-polar disorders...i found a thread asking what ti was and someone replied saying that

    "Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder which has six different classifications. The most common type is characterized by mood instability where the person will cycle between periods of major depression and periods of mania or hypomania
    ....The depressive phase is characterized by things like: depressed mood, undereating or overeating, sleep disturbance, feelings of hopelessness, feelings of worthlessness, feelings of guilt, problems with concentration, loss of interest in activities etc. etc.etc.

    The manic phase is characterized by any of these things: impulsivity, increased spending of money, highly elevated mood, irritability, racing thoughts, less need for sleep, increased energy, increase in goal-oriented activity, disinhibition, grandiosity etc. Hypomania is similar to mania, but like I said before, has all the same symptoms, but to a lesser degree"

    which discribes me to a tee.....but ive never really thought that i had something wrong with me, ok well i did know there was something wrong, ive been depressed for about 7 years, mainly starting around the time when both my sister and brother left, because they are 10 and 11 years older than me...they went on with their lives and i was kinda left to grow up alone, ive never really felt like ive had a real sister coz sisters are supposed to beable to confide in each other but too me she feels more like anthor ive never really had anyone growing up i dont blame them or anything, i mean, theyve got to live their lives ect

    but anyway, back to the point, i was reading it and i just always figured that yeah im depressed but i just gatherd that it was a part of my personality and that there wasnt really anything i could do about it, then it got a bit worse after i left school...why after i left school i dont know, seen as i didnt really ahve that many friends there and i kinda shyed away from crowds a bit so i didnt think id get so bad after leaving school, mabey i just built it all up and finally had time to myself and to let these feelings and emotions out and anyway, i started cutting myself at first it was..actually i dont know why i did it, i just did...and afterwards i couldnt face up to the fact of what i had done, it was like i wasnt there when i was doing it and i would feel sick everytime i looked at it....but after that i started doing it again just coz i felt really bad but i would do it every day, after going to bed mabey i was trying to let out everything i had stored up over the years, i dont know but after that i had stopped for awhile then i started college and i started doing it for ...well i dont like to say attention but i guess it was.

    i liked the way that they looked and i would do it more and more and i wouldnt stop if i felt i needed to, i would carry on till i had got to a certain point and i wouldnt cover it up, mabey i just wanted attention after not having anyone as i grew up, i dont know

    but i stopped and for a few months....i was really really happy very giddy and talkative and i often i would get "too happy" and annoy people.....i didnt knwo this though until one of my friends told me that it annoyed him that i was so hyper 24/7

    so i slowed down and stopped, i became depressed again...i wouldnt talk, id just get along with my work and not really socialize....after a few weeks i started cutting again....i did that for a couple of weeks then i stopped
    and was really happy again and now im doing it again.

    ok, erm, i kinda strayed from the orginal story there....

    ok, well this guy at college (i'll call him mark), we often just sit in the dark room (im taking photography)
    ...we would sit there during lunch when no one else was there and just cuddle n flirt ect, anyway, he had seen my scars (from when i was doing it for attention).....i had started buying arm warmer things to cover them up by then...but it was really hot and we were in a dark room so i took them off and he then asked me what they were from.....i trust him, so i told him
    he didnt say anything...he just kinda rubbed my arm and then gave me a hug
    he didnt say anything for a few days till we were alone again and he...i cnatr ember what we were talking about but somehow the subject of my scars came up and he just said
    "i dont know how anyone could be that depressed"
    i didnt really feel like saying much so i just ignored him and he asked if i still do it and i said no, although i had just done it the night before....he replied "good", in a sympathetic way and gave me a hug and then said "dont do it again"
    which made me feel like he really cared

    a few months, about 2 had passed and i was sitting in the opposite room doing some coursework i had, listning to music, a guy on the other table had asked what i was listning to and i said evanesence, mark, who was sitting with me, said
    "aw, why has something happend to make you depressed again"
    that really cheesed me off, as he had said it in a really light hearted and joke kind of way..and infront of this other guy...although he didnt say it that loudly, i do trust him and i know that he would never tell anyone...but never the less, he still said it and i was tired and didnt feel like telling him that is not what depression is, its not that easy to get rid of and come back, that its not just when you are a little bit upset, it really annoyed me what he had said but i didnt feel like arguing or having a go at him so i just left it.
    after that he made a few other "light hearted jokes" about it....i cant rember what other things he said but he said summit about me cutting....not in front of anyone though and he doesnt do it often his only said something about 3 times.... but each time ive never felt like saying anything back so i always leave it, i dont know why he does it though, i dont know if his trying to deal with it in his own way or if he thinks that when im feeling or looking a bit down that he should try and make a light hearted joke to cheer me up....but it just really annoys me that he thinks that its a joke and that he doesnt really take it very seriously....and i dont know really how to make him understand either...i dont just want to come out withit, saying how much it hurts, out of the blue coz im sure that he cant rember saying it so i dont really want to just tell him, also it would a little vain to do that..

    but (ok, finally, too the point! lol)
    after i had read that post about bi-polar disorder ive been thinking about going to see someone....most likely the councellor at college, coz i dont really know where else to go and they could tell me where to go ect
    ive had a few friends telling me i should go see someone for ahwile now but ive never really thought that it was anything bad and that councellors ect were only needed for people that were reallly depressed but after reading that i just feel that i should go at least talk to someone.

    but i dont want to go alone....i dont want to tell my parents....i cant...
    so i was hoping of made asking mark to come with me but im not really sure how to ask him
    i mean, how do you just go up to some one and ask if they'll go with you to a councellor?
    also i dont really know how he will react....if his just making up jokes to deal with it, mabey he'll get really upset if i say i want to go and i dont want to make anyone upset.
    i know that woteva, he will go with me if i ask him but i dont know if he would want to go because he really cares and wants to help me...or if its because his just doing it too be nice, i dont want him to go if he doesnt want too.....

    so i dont know what to think or how to ask
    it would be easier to ask if something happend, such as if he he asked about them again or made anthor joke ect..if the topic came up and then i could ask him it would be alot easier then just coming out with least i know that it was on his mind and that i wasnt just kinda throwing him into it if you know what i mean....
    can anyone help?
    coz i really want to go see someone about this and i dont have anyone to go with me..

    if i go alone, i know i wont talk, i'll just sit there for awhile then go at least if someones with me they can help me get started
    i have got anthor friend that i would like to go with me but seen as she's got 3 weeks left of pregnancy i really dont want to bother her with something like this...

    can someone please give me some feeling very confused and lost and dont know what to do

    thank u

    Last edited by funkypinklizard; 08-20-2004 at 06:01 AM.

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    Old 08-19-2004, 03:57 PM   #2
    Join Date: Jul 2004
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    funkypinklizard HB User
    Re: how to tell someone??...sorry this is so long

    sorry bout the typo's......but i tend to do that when ive got something on my mind

    Old 08-20-2004, 08:46 AM   #3
    PLAY5190's Avatar
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    PLAY5190 HB User
    Re: how to tell someone??...sorry this is so long

    I think you should just tell Mark that you want to get help and you would like for him to come with you. The sooner the better. Also tell him the jokes he making aren't funny and that they are making you fell uncomfortable.
    P.S. Whats your favorite Evanescence song

    Old 08-20-2004, 09:51 AM   #4
    Join Date: Jul 2004
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    funkypinklizard HB User
    Re: how to tell someone??...sorry this is so long

    taking over

    and yeah but thats alot easier said than done lol

    Old 08-20-2004, 09:52 AM   #5
    Join Date: Jul 2004
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    funkypinklizard HB User
    Re: how to tell someone??...sorry this is so long

    thnx for the reply

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