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  • How to break it to my fiance... ?

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    Old 06-26-2006, 01:45 AM   #1
    ArtsyAthlete
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    How to break it to my fiance... ?

    Hi Everyone,

    I hardly know where to start.

    I began a relationship with the man of my dreams three years ago. We moved in together 18 months ago and became engaged just this March. I was amazed and blown away at what a beautiful thing a loving relationship can be and always felt so blessed to have this sweet, smart, funny and handsome man's affection and adoration.

    Up until about six months ago, our relationship has been amazing. We are both formerly married and have children - I have three boys and he has one beautiful 8 yo daughter. I love my boys very much and I think they are great kids with good hearts, but kids -- boys especially, are always a challenge.

    His daughter is almost perfect - very angelic, sweet, perfect grades, excels in everything she does, is driven to please.

    My fiance doesn't understand that my boys are just being boys... they are not purposely disregarding him or the "rules." I consider myself a pretty good mom... I can be spacey at times so sometimes things slip past me. I've struggled with fatigue most of my adult life and brain fog comes along with that, especially if I'm short on sleep or had a tough day. So, I'm not always on the ball, but I pick my battles wisely and remain tough on the issues that really matter.

    My fiance's frustration with my kids' lack of regard towards him (basically not doing as asked the first, second, and sometimes fifth time) and his frustration with backpacks left on the floor, dirtying the kitchen, lack of effort in school, etc., has grown so big that he is withdrawn from me most of the time. Since I am their mother, I am responsible for this. I don't think this is exactly fair and when he withdraws, it HURTS. I no longer see that loving look in his eyes. I see disappointment and disdain.

    To make matters worse, I've always had a bit of a problem with compulsive spending, but I've always been able to keep it in check so as to not jeopardize my family. I've been a single mom for a long time and always managed to ensure that everyone is provided for and all the bills are paid... nothing in savings of course, and the occasional bounced check. Since my fiance began withdrawing from me in response to our parenting differences, I let my spending get out of control.

    My obsession this go-round is fish... I collected dozens of bettas and fish equipment and started breeding bettas. Caring for the bettas is a lot like gardening to me -- a restorative activity that gives me some peace. My fiance says it allows me to AVOID.

    I did some damage to our my finances in the last few months... the damage is neglible and I will recover in a month's time... or would have, had I not been forced to take short-term disability. So now the recovery will take about 2 months. To compensate, my fiance has had to put more money into our mutual household expenses than he normally would have to. I am unable to contribute my allotted amount because I overspent.

    To top it all off, problems that I've had with neck pain and headaches for the last year also got out of control. I cannot sit at my desk for more than a couple of hours before I'm in excruciating pain. I still have no answers for this in seeking medical treatment, but my doctor and I hoped that some time off and away from my computer would relieve the situation and allow things to settle. (I'm in pain as I write this.)

    A couple of weeks ago I came clean with my fiance and told him the truth of how much money I spent and the trouble I'd put myself in. Then I did the math over again to know how the short term disability (loss of 40% of my income) would impact us. I shared this with him. He will need to contribute $700 more than usual. Now, he makes quite a lot of money -- much more than I do -- and recently his ex-wife remarried and he doesn't have to pay alimony anymore -- to the tune of $700 a month.

    He slept on the couch Friday night, even though he knows how much I hate that and feel rejected by that. It was an intentional message. Last night he demanded that I sell some of my bettas and fish tanks because he wasn't going to pay for my bad decisions. He was soooooo angry!!!!

    And I cut. And I cut. And I cut some more. I cried and cried and cut while I thought about how I'd hurt and angered him and that I should just break up with him before I cause him any more pain... but the thought of losing his love for good was mind-shattering. I felt completely hopeless though, because sooner or later he'd either get too frustrated or I would drive him away with my chronic fatigue, headaches and neck pain, parenting (or lack thereof, in his opinion), or my struggles with depression and spending compulsions... Although I am seeking help, I don't see this any of this as something I can simply "switch off" forever.

    Last night was the fifth or sixth time I've cut in my life... three of the previous times were in the last year (angry at myself for my spending) but the cuts were very small and on my inner arm -- hard to see. The cutting also happened when my fiance was out of town. Today he left for Las Vegas for military training at Nellis AFB (he's in the Air Force Reserves). The other two times were when I was a teenager.

    When I woke up this morning, I realized how much damage I'd done. I hacked myself up pretty badly, to say the least I scratched the word "BAD" on my inner left forearm and the skin of my abdomen is... well, it's FRIGHTENING -- it scares even me. How did I manage to cut myself so many times and so deeply????

    I was able to hide it from my fiance this morning, but I seriously doubt that this mess will all be healed up and gone by the time he gets back next Saturday (less than a week). I won't be able to hide it from him, although believe me, I would like to!!! I also believe that hiding things from him (the spending compulsion, mainly) just gets me into more trouble with him in the long run. I'd really rather have him know the truth and love me as I am -- or dump me -- than live with the fear, stress and constant self-doubt that would come with hiding this from him. If I were successful in hiding it from him, a part of me would always feel that he didn't love ME, that he loved a LIE. Or a LIAR, for that matter.

    So, how do I break this to him????????????????????? I figure that he's either going to freak out and run now or freak out and run later, or freak out and then come to terms with it and learn to understand me. (I don't want his help. I would feel like less of a person and less worthy of him if he had to "fix" me.)

    Does anyone here have any experience with breaking the news? What is the "safest" way to go about it? Should I schedule an appointment with our counselor, hide the cuts from him until Monday, and break it to him in her office? Should I tell him about it first thing Saturday night after all the kids are in bed????

    Please, I need advice...

    Thanks to all who have taken the time to read this long post, and double thanks in advance to any who may take the time to reply.

     
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    Old 06-30-2006, 04:34 PM   #2
    emeraldeyes114
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    Re: How to break it to my fiance... ?

    Well I got through it fish tanks and all. lol So I am sitting trying to think of how to tell someone you cut. I never really had to before they always found out or knew. I guess the multitudes of scars probably has a thing behind it. So I guess sit down and maybe start out by saying I need your help and discuss it rationally as possible. Instead of holding so much in talk to him and if he loves you as much as you think, he'll still be there when the dust settles. I am sure that no matter what you say or approach it he will probably be a little shocked to say the least. Most people don't know exactly what to do or say in this situation but it is saying that the inner turmoil is as such that it is coming out in destructive behaviors. Don't say it like it is his fault or anything like but the truth i reckon is always best. I wish I could wave a wand or something to come up with a better response then that. I hope you'll let the board know how it went and so forth. And please know you are not alone in this either.
    Emerald

     
    Old 07-01-2006, 02:07 AM   #3
    Addagirl
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    Re: How to break it to my fiance... ?

    Hey,
    Telling someone about your cutting or any form of self harm can be very intimidating that's for sure. I told my mother when I was 14, (I'm now 22) and it was the hardest thing to do. But it's helped because although I don't want to ask for help, I know that she's aware of it without it being "under the table" so to speak. What I would recommend is, try not to have expectations on his reactions. Most likely a thousand things will go through his mind when you tell him. He might want to know if you're suicidal, or what did he do wrong. He might get really angry and storm off, he might just cry. Who knows? The point is, as much as you hurt and as hard of time you have been having, this is your chance to control the level of emotion in the situation. If you become hysterical or completely fall apart, then that most likely wont help him understand at all. It may seem like a hard request but try to stay calm and let him know you love him. Don't place blame or anything like that. I know you don't want his help right now, but if this is a problem you've faced in the past, it might come up in the future, so he needs to be prepared on how to help you if you can't help yourself. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Breathe and focus on what you can control. Make sure you take care of your cuts too so they don't become infected. As to when is the right time to tell him, that's completely up to you. I encourage you to tell him as soon as possible so that you can have his love and support in this. But I KNOW how hard it is. Until then, if you need to talk...you know where to come.

     
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