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    Old 03-27-2008, 10:19 AM   #46
    boomerpuff
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    Re: I think I need help

    Thank you. My parents were teasing me about it, but I just ignored them because they didn't, and wouldn't, understand. If anything, they want to keep me away from the computer in hopes that I'd establish "real" friends. The friends I make online ARE my real friends, and they care about me, I feel, sometimes more then my own family.

    It does. I've thought a lot about why I cut, and I think if I really can find out the real reason why I cut, that can help me stop. My Dad used to hit me when I cried, and so, after thinking it over, I came to the conclusion that since I cried a lot at night and no one knew about it, I felt as if I had to punish myself for it. I think that might have been part of the reason for it, but there's probably more then one reason, and I think I have to find them all in order for me to truly stop.

    I've been thinking lately that maybe I can put the why I cut behind me, if I'm able to find a reason not to cut then I can stop. Striving to better myself doesn't exactly strike me as an immediate pursuit, but I feel like if I can help others if I stop then that would give me more of a reason to do so...if that makes any sense at all.

     
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    Old 03-27-2008, 10:35 AM   #47
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    Re: I think I need help

    Hi Kristin,

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by boomerpuff View Post
    My Dad used to hit me when I cried, and so, after thinking it over, I came to the conclusion that since I cried a lot at night and no one knew about it, I felt as if I had to punish myself for it.
    Good work!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by boomerpuff View Post
    I've been thinking lately that maybe I can put the why I cut behind me, if I'm able to find a reason not to cut then I can stop.
    I think if you find all the reasons why you cut and fix them then you won't have any urge to cut anymore.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by boomerpuff View Post
    Striving to better myself doesn't exactly strike me as an immediate pursuit, but I feel like if I can help others if I stop then that would give me more of a reason to do so...if that makes any sense at all.
    Do I hear you not wanting to take care of yourself here?

     
    Old 03-27-2008, 01:10 PM   #48
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    Re: I think I need help

    Quote:
    Striving to better myself doesn't exactly strike me as an immediate pursuit, but I feel like if I can help others if I stop then that would give me more of a reason to do so...if that makes any sense at all.
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Sannah View Post


    Do I hear you not wanting to take care of yourself here?
    If Sannah is right, don't feel that way. Your the one who you should be striving to better in this situation. You seem like such a great individual and you should be worrying about yourself. I think your parents have just downed your self esteem so much you feel you shouldn't focus on you anymore cause your not worth it. That isn't true at all! I already said your a great people and striving for yourself first is what should be priority. And no, not saying you should be striving to make other people feel better either. If that is something that motivates you, then stick to it. But yourself should be key as well.

     
    Old 03-27-2008, 01:53 PM   #49
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    Re: I think I need help

    Thank you, you're right. It's just...I know that I should be striving to better myself, but I just feel a lack of motivation to do it. I feel completely hopeless...I feel that no matter what I do, that even if I stop cutting, nothing is really going to change anything. I haven't had school so I've been locked in the house for the past four days and I feel like I'm trapped like a test rat in a maze and although I can see the outside, I'm still trapped behind a thick layer of glass.

    I know I do have to raise my self-esteem and realize that I am worth it, but whenever I do that, I know it sounds silly, but I feel so narcisstic telling myself that I am a person and I am worth something.

     
    Old 03-28-2008, 08:21 AM   #50
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    Re: I think I need help

    Hi Kristin, when you grow up in a situation where your needs are disregarded it can do this. When your dad hit you when you were crying your needs were being disregarded. I am sure that you could think of one million other examples. So now it has just become the way it is and habit but you can change this. I also had to do this work because my needs growing up were also ignored. I am sure that your dad had other ways of hammering that into you - that you shouldn't think about yourself and your needs.....

     
    Old 03-28-2008, 12:26 PM   #51
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    Re: I think I need help

    Thank you. I understand what you're saying. Just because that's what my Dad tells me, it doesn't mean it's true. He tells me that I'm disgusting, that I'm a disappointment, that I'm just a worthless little ****, but he's wrong. I feel guilty because people say that you're supposed to listen to your parents because they're the ones that are supposed to instruct you and guide you, but I can't turn to them for anything. I have to watch what I say to them because if they know one thing about my personal life (eg. the boy I mentioned before, once he walked me to my car (my mom was in it) and when we got home, Mom immediately went straight to Dad and I was in the hallway, but I could still hear everything they were saying, that 'Kristin had a boyfriend' and they're all just speculating about me. I walked in and told them that I didn't, that he was just a friend, and my Mom looked at me and laughed, like I had no idea what I was talking about.) That's what I can't stand. They don't know all the facts, about anything, and they constantly make judgements and assumptions about me that aren't true.

    A few days after the orignial confrence, I felt bad that I had disappointed my parents with my cutting so I got up early, cooked breakfast, emptied the garbage cans in the house, unloaded the dishwasher, and just did general chores. And then my Mom came down and she's like, "What? And you haven't started your wash yet? What's wrong with you?" and she started yelling at me for that- out of all the work that she usually does that morning, I did that all for her, and so she was yelling at me for not doing mine? I finally just lost it and I yelled at her to shut up, and then stormed away because I didn't want to have a major confrontation and say something I would regret but she followed me- like she always does, because she has to have the last word in- and she told me, "Well, if that's the way you're going to act, maybe I should just call Z------ (psychologist's name) and get them to lock you away then."

    That last part really makes me cry because I feel like they don't care about me at all, that if I act "out of line" then they're immediately going to just lock me up and throw away the key. Any time I try to talk to them, and I have tried, they just tell me that I'm too young to know what I'm talking about, and their opinions rule over mine because I'm younger then they are.

    The more and more I think this over, the more I realize that I really don't want to live here any more. I tried talking to them, but they just won't stop, and I know they won't change. Dad still calls us to dinner saying, "Monsters, get in here!" or "Blobbermouths" or, I don't know, because he has all these weird little deteorating nicknames that don't even make sense. He calls me and my sister "fossilheads" some times, and I just don't know. Honestly, I think he's going through a midlife crisis or something because he has now insisted on repainting every room in the house, and when he paints, he doesn't have any windows open so he's inhaling all the paint fumes. That can't be healthy for him, can it?

    Anyway, today is his birthday and he is turning 55. My Mom wanted me to put up $150 for a new recliner for him, but I told her quite honestly, "I don't have the money". I still have to buy my own food and everything else, and I work at minimum wage one day a week (because of school). Instead, I got him a 12' x 12' latch hook rug of a palm tree that took me a while to make. It's subtle, but it took me a really long time to make, but I don't know how well he'll like it because he only really likes "practical" gifts that he can use and this is just for decoration, really.

     
    Old 03-28-2008, 03:44 PM   #52
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    Re: I think I need help

    Hi Kristin, yes, your parents clearly don't know how to treat you. It is amazing how pulled together you are in that environment. This says a lot about you. I have thought about this many times because of how I was raised and how I raise my own children. You can take a child and be very attentive to them and raise them to be responsible and emotionally healthy. You could also take a child and torment them mentally and emotionally. So many people have suffered from this second one. It is really sad. Everyone deserves a healthy upbringing.

     
    Old 03-28-2008, 04:39 PM   #53
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    Re: I think I need help

    Thank you...and I agree with you there. A friend showed me an article that said 80% of the people who were emotionally and mentally abused as children and teens suffer from at least one personality disorder by the time they're 21. It's sad that so many people suffer through that, and I think the scariest thing about a personality disorder is that you may have one and you may not even know it.

    Quote:
    It is amazing how pulled together you are in that environment. This says a lot about you.
    Honestly, I don't know how pulled together I was, because I've been using cutting to help me deal with it, but I'd like to say that I am more pulled together now. I think once you realize a problem and recognize it as wrong, then that means that you have some more control over it.

    A friend and I were talking about our Moms today, and she asked me that since I had a bad relationship with my Dad, then that meant that my Mom and I would be really close. When I was younger I think I looked to her for comfort, but then I think we started growing apart.

    I told my friend the following incident, which I consider was the final breaking point in the relationship with me and my Mom. It happened in the January of freshmen year of high school, so I was 14.

    I was sitting in the Florida room, which is usually my Dad's room, doing a math booklet for school. But it wasn't just a math booklet, it was one of those St. Judes math books, the ones where you do the math problems and get people to sponsor you for all the problems you get right and then all the money goes to St. Judes Cancer Foundation? Well I was doing that, and I remember looking at one of the problems and seeing that, in my mind, there were two possible ways to approach the problem. I asked my Mom about it, since she was in the kitchen reading at the time, and my Mom came over and looked at it, and I told her both methods I saw; she favored more towards one, while I favored the other. And so I decide to try the problem my way, and then she starts arguing with me that that's the wrong way...and she just lost it. I have no other way to describe it, other then she just flipped. I was using one of those fold up coffee tables, where the top comes off and then you fold up the legs? She slammed down on the table so hard that the table literally broke and she screamed at me, "Look what you did!" I naturally got scared and ran, but I didn't go farther then the kitchen because my Mom grabbed me by the hair and started slapping me about the face. Then she grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me so violently I remember seeing triples of everything (although it may have been because I was crying so hard). Then she made me go in there and do it her way (and by the answers I got I knew she was wrong) and she made me sit in there until Dad got home. I was so afraid, I don't know how to explain how scared I was. It was as if my whole body was paralyzed, I was afraid to breathe, afraid to move, just totally afraid of everything. Then Dad got home and Mom was screaming at him from the doorway that I was so stupid and that I couldn't do anything right and then my Dad came in and I aws crying, and Dad didn't yell at me. He told me to calm down and tell him my way and her way, and although I was still crying and my voice was all broken up, I told him her way, how it was wrong, and my way, and he finally agreed and told me that my way was right. He told my Mom that my way was right, and she just glared at me as if it was still my fault. She didn't apologize to me or screaming at me, or for forcing me to write down the wrong answers, and I think it was that day that I felt that I lost my Mom. I don't think I cut that day...I was scared, and I was upset, but I wasn't angry at her. I was just upset that I lost my Mom.

    Halfway through the paragraph, the screen started getting blurry and I realized I was crying as I typed this. I know what you guys would tell me to do: talk to her and tell her how much this bothered me. The problem is, I did talk to her, and she told me she didn't remember any of that happening. That crushes me more then anything else.

     
    Old 03-28-2008, 05:26 PM   #54
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    Re: I think I need help

    Wow Kristin, I'm sorry. Your mom really needs to be in control doesn't she? She probably doesn't take being wrong very well either? I would have been scared too if I were you. That would have scared anyone. I am sorry that you grew distant from your mom that day.

     
    Old 03-28-2008, 06:07 PM   #55
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    Re: I think I need help

    Thank you. See, it's a difficult thing. When one parent is extremely harsh towards me, in that case, my Mom, the other parent, in that case, my Dad, usually shows me a bit more compassion then usual. On the really rare occassion where there isn't a major conflict, it seems that no one knows how to act around each other because there's always an alliance system going on or something. And it isn't right, but that's the way it works. It's almost like...at every time, you need at least one other person to align yourself with so that you're not totally defeated. And I know it shouldn't be this way, but that's the way it is...and I'm coming to the realization that I am the only person that actually wants things to change around here. Everyone else just seems to adjust to it, and they don't like it, but they don't make a move to make anything better.

     
    Old 03-28-2008, 09:05 PM   #56
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    Re: I think I need help

    Hi Kristin,

    I think they don't make a move to make anything better cause they're simply just scared to. And they've all grown used to that way and they can't see things any other way. Unfortunately, they're gonna have to be the one's to decide the turning point... not you. And I know that hurts cause you want things to be better so bad (me too... for you) but in reality, your parents are the only one's who have control over their minds. Though it seems they have NO control over their thoughts and actions. I think at this point it's clear to a lot of us that have read your stories, they are both mentally abused and challenged.

    You are doing such a great job with not cutting though and helping yourself out! We're all so proud of you for this. As I said before, you need to just focus on positive things for yourself. You will always be your own person so you will always be able to make your own decisions, technically.

    Also the point where you mentioned the true breaking point for you and your mom. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but it showed you something that you now realize, I'm sure. In the end, this all gonna make you a stronger person, that's just the way it works as long as the individual can stay strong in all ways. And I think your doing a great job!

    I would also like to share with you that I'm a firm believer that miracles happen and that when someone is brought down so far, they're only brought right back up and even stronger. Being a surviver of a brain tumor and pulling through it all, proving everyone wrong (no one thought I would be able to walk or talk, if I lived, and I did it all) I really think things work in mysterious ways and everything happens for a reason. Being what I've been through, I know every individual has their own time to shine and be as strong as they can. And I know this is yours!

    Keep your head up!

     
    Old 03-29-2008, 03:21 PM   #57
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    Re: I think I need help

    Quote:
    would also like to share with you that I'm a firm believer that miracles happen and that when someone is brought down so far, they're only brought right back up and even stronger. Being a surviver of a brain tumor and pulling through it all, proving everyone wrong (no one thought I would be able to walk or talk, if I lived, and I did it all) I really think things work in mysterious ways and everything happens for a reason.
    That's amazing, really, that is. I can't even comprehend what you and your loved ones must have gone through...but you pulled through it, and I'm glad for that. =]

    I understand what you mean. I feel that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason I didn't knick an artery and bleed to death when I cut, and there's a reason I stopped cutting. Everyone has a reason and a purpose to live, and I don't know my purpose...but I don't think a lot of people do. So far my purpose is my writing and helping others, but I don't know if there's anything more that I'm supposed to do; anything more I'm destined for.

    I think when a lot of people have the feeling of being trapped, they look towards their future for a possible release and hold together any shreds of hope they have left to try to break through. There are people in worse situations then mine, and they need all the hope and support they can get. Right now, I'm looking towards the only two positive things in my life: my writing and my friends, and that includes all of you. =]

     
    Old 03-29-2008, 05:31 PM   #58
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    Re: I think I need help

    You are welcome. Being observant is very helpful when you are trying to get better. You are going to go far......

     
    Old 03-29-2008, 05:43 PM   #59
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    Re: I think I need help

    Awww, thank you. I'd really like to believe that's true because right now life doesn't seem like much, and it feels that, in the grand scheme of things, my life doesn't matter much. I know it should to me, but I still have childish aspirations. I want to make an impact on the world, but the chances of that are very slim. Still, I've realized that I don't have to mean a little to a lot of people, as long as I matter a lot to a few people.

     
    Old 03-29-2008, 06:17 PM   #60
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    Re: I think I need help

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by boomerpuff View Post
    I want to make an impact on the world, but the chances of that are very slim. Still, I've realized that I don't have to mean a little to a lot of people, as long as I matter a lot to a few people.
    This is the whole point Kristin, this is how people have an impact on the world, in our small relationships.

     
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