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    Old 03-30-2008, 04:23 PM   #61
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    Re: I think I need help

    I understand that now.

    I wanted to cut so badly today because my parents were screaming at me; they were standing above me calling me stupid, calling me a baby, and I was just sitting literally right under their noses and crying and they just kept screaming. I started twisting my hand around my left arm, as if to give it an Indian burn, but I was talking to one of my friends and she talked me down from cutting. I really wanted to though, I felt like I had an itch and that was the only way to scratch it.

     
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    Old 03-30-2008, 05:44 PM   #62
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    Re: I think I need help

    Why were your parents doing this? What happened?

     
    Old 03-30-2008, 06:09 PM   #63
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    Re: I think I need help

    We were fighting about colleges. I have my meeting with my college counselor soon, and I was wondering if they were going to contribute any financial aid. See, it's been going back and forth on whether they would or not for a while, and then Dad asked me what I've done with my college mail and I told him I sorted everything into elementary education or not elementary education like Mom told me too, and suddenly they were just screaming at me that I can't do anything right and I don't know what I did or was supposed to do that I didn't do...I just don't know.

     
    Old 03-30-2008, 06:27 PM   #64
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    Re: I think I need help

    Wow Kristin, that's crazy. Could you have asked them what they expected you to do?

     
    Old 03-30-2008, 06:42 PM   #65
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    Re: I think I need help

    Hi Kristin,

    It sounds like you are going through a lot of the same things I am. I know how you feel. It is so hard to try and hope for the future when you are dealing with this type of negativity on a regular basis. BUT, I just keep telling myself that everyday, I am getting closer to being where I want to be, and that each day will pass and a new one will come. Some are harder than others, but ultimately there will be a better place when I have completed the things that are necessary to provide that better place. You seem very smart, and ambitious. I think that you will get to your better place sooner than you realize. In the meantime, I think it is great, to be posting on here how things are going, and know that there are others out there who know and who care, and who are wondering what's happening with you on a given day. I know it helps me just to post on here, and have people help try to focus my thoughts.

    My therapist said something the other day that I keep thinking about. She said that sometimes you just have to remember that the people who are treating you badly, may have been treated badly themselves. I know that, but I like to think about the fact that you have to feel sorry for them, that they don't understand the damage they do, and the fact that they are so sure of themselves. I know my father has a lot of pride, and my mother likes me to always agree with her, and like her way of doing things, etc, and I have to remember that they are just human. My mother isn't to bad, we usually get along fine, but my father is horrible. I just think sometimes, how sad it is for him, that he is so nasty and hateful. One day it is going to come around on him. I won't feel happy, but I don't think I will feel sad for him either.

    I have a toddler, a girl, and I tell myself that no matter what problems I have I have to be good to her, and help her grow up with a good sense of self esteem, and confidence, and self worth. Sometimes I feel like my father is going to harm her confidence as well. I still to this day think he doesn't know he is wrong, and it is sad that he has hurt so many people and doesn't know that he is just creating all the negative emotions people feel towards him.

    Keep posting, and keep your chin up. I don't like the movie Delores Claiborne much, but I remember one line from it that I love. "Sometimes being a b***h is all a woman's got to hold on to." Sometimes I remember that, and laugh. And try to let it help me be tough, and not let damaged people damage me. Like it has been mentioned here several times, I'll say it again, you seem very smart, and capable. Keep looking to the future, and what you can do. You can make a difference. And where you end up, will probably be exactly where you need to be to do that. So, what do you want to do with the future?? I saw something about education, do you want to teach?? Whatever you want, don't let anyone stop you!!!! You can make it!! Remember it's your future, you create it!!! Keep posting, and I also saw that you write. Me too, but I'm to scared to finish anything and publish. I saw that you finished. That's wonderful!!! I wanted to post one more quick thought. I am paying for my own college. I have a loan. The best thing you can do is go to college. Even if not right away, do go eventually. I am going for Nursing. I think it will be rewarding, and I'll always have a job available. I don't know ALL the loan rules, and grant rules, but it might be worth checking into, then you wouldn't have to wait on your dad to make up his mind!! And besides even if he does pick your college and your major, like you said, just go with it for a year, work on pre-req's then get scholarships, grants and loans if you have to, and tell him.... well, I'm sure you'll know what to tell him. Good Luck!!!

    ~A~

    Last edited by aspidites; 03-30-2008 at 06:52 PM.

     
    Old 03-30-2008, 06:55 PM   #66
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    Re: I think I need help

    Thank you. I think my father might have been abused as a child, but I also know he was the oldest of five children so a lot of pressure might have been pushed on him to be the best. I do know though that he is the only one of his siblings to go to college, and he doesn't have a good relationship with any members of his family, so naturally we don't see them either.

    My novel is fictional- it's romance/supernatural/adventure. There's a lot of stuff thrown in it and right now I'm prefecting it because since it's my first novel, it's the foundation for my later works, you know? My parents don't want me to get it published, so I have to wait two years until I'm 18 to try and get it published.

     
    Old 03-31-2008, 04:55 AM   #67
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    Re: I think I need help

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by aspidites View Post
    that they don't understand the damage they do, and the fact that they are so sure of themselves. I still to this day think he doesn't know he is wrong,
    Hi Aspi, I think that these people totally function around maintaining their self-esteem. Everything that they do goes back to this I think. This is why they cannot think about anyone else or the effects that they have on others. If they don't maintain this very fragile self-esteem they will collapse. They know this I think. I watched my mom my whole life do this.

     
    Old 03-31-2008, 04:15 PM   #68
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    Re: I think I need help

    Right now I feel completely and totally just....devastated. You know the boy I told you about in my first post? I finally broke up with him today. I completely ended it. And I know it's better for me, and it's better for him, but I just...I don't know, I just really don't know. I know it was the right thing to do but I just feel completely- empty inside. I don't think I regret doing it, but I'm just not so sure. I feel like I should cut because I feel like I deserve it. When I was coming home today I got the idea that I should kill myself to prove something to him. I just don't know...

     
    Old 03-31-2008, 05:41 PM   #69
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    Re: I think I need help

    Kristin,

    You don't need the ups and downs with him. It seems that right now being with him would be worse. It also seems that you did something right for yourself and now you feel guilty, and think you should cut. You need to feel good about your decision. This is empowerment. You made a choice. You controlled the result of this situation in your life.

    As far as feeling suicidal to prove somthing to him, you are worth far more than that. Besides, don't deprive the lucky man that will someday soon be with you, and love you, and accept you totally and completely, and offer you his love and support. Moreover, don't deprive yourself of that, and of the wonderful life that you will have. Like you said earlier, things happen for a reason, and sometimes we need to do something difficult in order to allow other things to come about. Right now, you made a hard decision, but wait for the good. It might take a few days to see it, maybe a little longer, but you will. Keep posting. Keep pouring out your feelings, no matter how they flip flop. Keep fighting the SI. I know it's hard, but I've been fighting too lately a lot. We can all encourage each other, and support each other!! Is there anything you have found like walking or running, or reading or anything that helps take your mind off the problems??

    ~A~

     
    Old 03-31-2008, 08:46 PM   #70
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    Re: I think I need help

    Thank you...you seemed to know exactly what to say there. Like my friends have pointed out, I used to do his homework and help him with schoolwork by writing out things for him and doing the research for him, and he just never really appreciated me. I mean, I'm only 16, and so there'll be plenty of other guys for me to meet; why obsess over the times lost with this one?

    My half sisters boyfriend told me that people who do physical exercise are generally happy then those who don't, and although I used to run on the treadmill for two hours during the summer, I've kinda gotten lazy and stopped. But even though I was running, it really had no affect on my overall mood...or even my weight. So running doesn't really help me. I started to keep a journal of my feelings, but I grew worried my parents would find it and so I stopped that. Now I mostly write in my novel and my fanficitons stories.

    Right now I feel stressed because I have a ten page paper due on my family history, six outlines spanning over 200 pages (chapters 13-19), and 499 History ID terms. Then I have a math project, an English paper, two English narratives, a NYS preliscencing test April 12, the SAT May 3, and my parents are still screaming at me to get the college stuff done. I've been trying to balance that all AND my stories, but it's hard.

     
    Old 04-01-2008, 08:27 AM   #71
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    Re: I think I need help

    I know how you feel!! I have an Anatomy and Physiology exam, a Human Development exam, a statistics exam all this week, a 5 page paper, 2 papers for my Human Development class, and on top of it all I just got sick. Not to mention taking care of the animals, laundry, shopping, and my 3 year old. What I like to do is just write a list of when each thing is due, and just work towards the one goal, instead of overwhelming myself with all of them. Just take it one thing at a time and move on to the next.

    You are right, there will be PLENTY of guys out there to meet, there will ven be those pesky ones who fall head over heels for you and you just want them to go away, LOL. But be careful not to make what I feel was a mistake I made. I felt so bad about my self image, that I sought assurance from a man, and then put college on the back burner. I wish that I had done it in reverse order. I would have a career now. Would probably be in a great marriage with a great husband and more children. I think there is a proper order to everything. Not that there is anything wrong with staying home with children, I did, and I think it's wonderful, but at least have a career to go back to. Always be self reliant and then you can fear less about the future!!

    I also noticed that running didn't do a thing for me, but swimming and hiking seem to. Also, playing games with my brothers is fun. During the fall on windy days, we will go outside and play catch the leaves. ll you have to do is jump, run, follow the leaves with your eyes, and catch. But when that wind gets whipping, it's harder than it sounds, LOL. I also find that I feel better on sunny days. So I am getting a SAD light box. I'll let you know how that works out!! Keep trying, and don't forget you are worth the fight!!

    ~A~

     
    Old 04-01-2008, 05:16 PM   #72
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    Re: I think I need help

    Thank you very much. That must be very hard; my Mom dropped out of work to stay home, and although we are financially stable, she still complains about not having a job because of me. Interestingly enough, my Dad's company has threatened to be sued by his old company, and they're also threatening to sue him specifically for trying to ruin the corporation, so I don't know what's really up with that...

    I know I'm sixteen, and I know I'll have the rest of my life to meet guys, but it still hurts when you fall for one in particular and then it doesn't work out. And even though I broke it off with him yesterday, he still said hello to me in History today. So I don't know what will come of tutoring on Monday (we take a bus afterschool to a grammar school where we tutor little kids) and usually he sits with me and talks to me for the two hours, but now I don't know what'll happen.

    I honestly can't remember the last thing I did for "fun". I write to keep me sane, and even though I play guitar hero a lot, that's not for fun- that's practice for my acoustic. (I know, they're nothing the same but it keeps my fingers moving and pumps up my adrenilane). Actually, I do remember something I did recently. I went to the Taste of Chaos concert (Bullet For My Valentine, Atreyu, Avenged Sevenfold (=<3)) and I saw that they were on Loaded (a show on Fuse where they show 30 mins of straight music videos based on artist) and instead of one specific artist they had 'Taste of Chaos', so it was those three artists above and I turned off all the lights and I started jumping around the room like crazy and my Dad saw em and stared at me like there was something wrong with me and my sister called me a freak, but it was still fun. =]

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 12:32 PM   #73
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    Re: I think I need help

    That sounds so fun!! Boy do I miss going to concerts!!I may try to go to Megadeth with my brothers the end of this month!! Anyway, you are right, it is hard to let one guy go, that you had in your thoughts for so long. But it seems like the right thing. So what happened on the bus. And how are things. Well, I have to get, I'll post more tonight, I have to go take and exam and I have an appointment. By the way, I have good news, I got my letter, and was accepted into the nursing clinicals. I'm so happy about that. I needed to know that good things can happen for me. Talk to you soon!!

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 06:26 PM   #74
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    Re: I think I need help

    Oh wow, congratulations! That's so great! Congrats! ^__^

    Today I saw him in History and he asked me, HE asked ME, if we had a History quiz today and I told him no, we have one April 9th, and then we started talking about English...so even though we're not friends or anything like that, we're still on speaking terms. I honestly don't know if that's good or bad, because I gave him everything I had and he never appreciated me.

    Today I had a really bad screaming fight with my Mother and she called me a "*edited* little idiot". I was really upset and I went into the bathroom and I shut the door and started going to the bathroom, and then she opened up the door and stood in front of me while I was all exposed and she was just screaming at me. I wanted to cut so badly, but then she followed me into the computer room and she was honestly screaming at me for over an hour.

    Last edited by mentalhealth mod; 04-02-2008 at 09:10 PM. Reason: language

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 08:17 PM   #75
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    Re: I think I need help

    I'm sorry about the fight with your mom. What was she yelling at you for? Don't take to heart her calling you a *edited* little idiot. You are not. Just remember that when she does that, it is a direct result of whatever problems she has. I think you did best to just let her rant until she was done. Sometimes you may even just have to laugh. Not in her face of course. But just laugh at the complete silliness of her yelling at you while you just sit there and listen to her behave like the child. I saw my therapist today, and she said that sometimes the best thing is just to distance yourself from people even parents who are like that. The problem is as you pointed out that sometimes they won't let you. I think the less you try to please them, and interact with them the happier you will be. Just be polite, and leave it there. Don't give them any ammo to use against you.

    I got a new kitty today. I adopted her from Friends for Life Animal Rescue. She seems ok with my other cats, my siamese is avoiding her, and my torti is sooooooooo mad. She looks like an Egyptian Mau. Her name is Rain. She's such a pretty little thing. Her eyes just glisten like gems. I always love getting new pets, they make me happy. Do you have any pets to snuggle with??

    As far as "the guy" it's good that he broke the ice first and is being civil. Don't be suprised if he wants you now. Guys are like that. But remember that you have to do what is best for you. By the way, I meant to tell you that I was really impressed that you go to tutor children. That is wonderful, and I bet it is a nice break for you too in a way. So how is everything else. I think it's great that you didn't cut. You can feel stronger now. I know that each time I resist, I feel more in control, and stronger. Like I am really in charge of me, and not letting anyone control me. Usually I end up doing SI because a family member has pushed me so far emotionally that can't help it. Lately I have been doing well. I think therapy is helping. I wish your father would view it differently. Anyway, I'm glad you seem to be taking charge of yourself. Keep up the good work, and keep postin!!!

    ~A~

    Last edited by mentalhealth mod; 04-02-2008 at 09:11 PM. Reason: language

     
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