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    Old 03-18-2008, 08:01 PM   #1
    boomerpuff
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    I think I need help

    My name is Kristin, and I've been cutting for about four years now. At first it started with pulling my hair out and banging my head against the wall, and then I just started with the cutting.

    I don't have a very strong family background, and so I never received much comfort at home, and I never had friends at school, so cutting was the only way to help me cope. My parents knew I didn't like it at my old school, so they tranfered me to a private Catholic school, which I liked even less.

    I didn't make any new friends there either, and I actually started meeting people who were cutting too, and so that sort of endorsed my cutting. Over the past few months, I fell into a relationship with this boy, and eventually he asked me about the scars on my arm. We were close and so I felt that I could trust him by telling him, but he just freaked out on me and then I tried explaining my family situation to him, but then he liked me even less. Which led me to cut myself even more.

    I realized what harm this was doing to me, and so I went to a counselor at my school and told them about my problems at home and what I was doing, but they didn't really seem to care about the cutting so much as my family problems. I didn't tell them I had a history of suicide attempts, because another friends of mine had went there seeking help, and they just suspended her from school and put her in a mental institution.

    I was afraid of them doing that to me so after a small confrence with my parents (actually, just my Mom, because my Dad didn't want to go) they found out that I was cutting, and she didn't really care. She told my Dad later and he didn't care either- I have an older half-sister that was kicked out of school for cutting and so he just shrugged it off and said it ran in the family.

    My counselors no longer pull me out of class to talk to me, but the boy I mentioned earlier started talking to me again, and I started to really feel things for him. Then he recently told me that he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore just because I seemed like a depressive and negative person who was just too screwed up to lead a normal life. I started cutting again, and then he started talking to me again, but just today he told me he doesn't want me to speak to him until the end of April and so I lost it and I started cutting again.

    I honestly do want to stop cutting; I don't want to turn to a sharp instrument everytime I need to deal with something bad happening, but I really don't know where else to turn. Sometimes I just feel guilty if I don't cut, because I feel like I deserve to be hurting myself because I feel like a bad person.

    I have made several good friends online, and they tell me I am worth something, but some say that if cutting makes me happy, I should go with it. Cutting does not make me happy, I just don't know what to do. I thought I could just stop cutting on my own and things would get better, but it's kind of obvious that I can't...and I think I really need help before I do something I really regret.

     
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    Old 03-19-2008, 08:39 AM   #2
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    Re: I think I need help

    Hi boomer, I am sorry about your situation. You sound like such a nice person. Do you have any other options for therapy? Nothing is changing in your family situation? Are there any other adults or family members who you can go to for support? You can continue to keep posting here for support too. I agree with you that cutting is not the best coping mechanism and there are healthier ways like problem solving and talking about your issues and feelings. I hope you keep posting here. I would suggest not returning to that boy to keep getting your feelings hurt. You deserve better than that. Also, I don't think that you are a bad person who needs to punish herself. You are where you are at now because of your family situation. You didn't choose your family so how can this be your fault? You sound like you really want to help yourself and this is great!

     
    Old 03-19-2008, 10:45 AM   #3
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    Re: I think I need help

    Hey Boomer,

    From what I read you seem like a pretty intelligent person. You obviously are not in a disillusioned state, you know what you are doing is not good and obviously you know that you need help. One thing you should also realize though, you can not look to other people to make you feel good about who you are because those people will let you down every time and until you can learn to be happy with yourself without outside reassurance you will never have a healthy relationship with others.

    I'm sure that you can obviously see that this guy is playing games with you. Any half-way intelligent person would know that playing games with someone who is already in a fragile state is just going to make the fragile person even worse off. I would honestly say that if he has a brain at all, he is doing this to you on purpose and therefore should not be apart of your life.

    Sounds to me like you may need to find a way to get away from the people in your life that are causing you such pain because it is easy to see that other people influence the way you feel about yourself. I'm not saying that you need to cut these people out of your life for good and I do see that it may not be conceivable for you to actually get away from them but regardless, you have to keep those people at arms length until you can learn to get validation only from yourself and your accomplishments and not from other people.

    I really think you need to find some help. Maybe ask your school councilor if she can help you find a therapist. Even if your parents do not care to help you out, there are other ways. My brother got a caseworker that would pick him up once a week and take him out to dinner and take him to his therapist and any other errands that he needed to run. There are programs out there that can help you get what you need.

    -Daze

    Last edited by Dzesn; 03-19-2008 at 11:01 AM.

     
    Old 03-19-2008, 01:19 PM   #4
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    Re: I think I need help

    Thank you both for your support/advice. I feel humbled that you both want to help me, and I think I have to realize that I'm not alone in this, even though I feel really isolated here at home.

    I know I didn't say much about my family situation, but I think I should mention that I was conceived out of marriage, and my grandmother (now deceased) pushed, or coerced, my mother to marry my father, although she didn't want to. And so I feel like my mother holds some sort of resentment towards me there. She also constantly mentions that I'm under 18, and so they legally "own" me yet. I think I'm cutting because I want to feel a sense of control, because that is the one and only thing I have control over.

    That, and the ability to choose I react in a given situation; I was reading Man's Search For Meaning by Victor E. Frankel and "What Freedom Is" by Rollo May, and I've realized that I and I alone have the ability to choose how to react in any given situation.

    That's my mother. She's recently been in the hospital because of her hernia, and because of several heart problems that she has.

    My father has been emotionally abusive towards me and my younger sister throughout our lives, and he was physically abusive to me when I was younger. He never truly beat me to outrageous extremes, but he would pick me up and drop me, hit me repeatedly, shove me, ect. He has anger issues, although he constantly denies it, and although he claims that he is not, his doctors say that he is an alcoholic.

    I started taking Tae Kwon Doe classes, and I'm a green belt, and so I am less scared of him hitting me now because I am more experienced to protect myself if I have to. Since I went to counselling at my school, my Mom realized what emotional affects that my father has been doing to me, and so now she sometimes- sometimes- criticizes him whenever he screams at me or my sister.

    My sister is three years younger then I am, and she's starting to take after my Dad. If you don't do something fast enough or if she doesn't do exactly what you say, she'll scream at you and make fun of you, and my Mom is getting extremely worried that she is really going to become like my father. I used to feel that I could talk to my Mom about anything, but recently I discovered that I told my Mom and asked her to keep secret, she's told my Dad anyway, and so I don't trust her.

    I've pushed for my Mom to divorce my Dad, but she keeps making excuses about it, claiming that we'd have no money if we divorced, and there was an opening at my job, (I work in an outlet store) and Mom told me she couldn't take the job (even though the hours are VERY good) and her excuse was that we'd get less alimony if she did get a job and that's why she couldn't.

    My parents are very dominating of me, and they control practically everything I do. They control what I eat- I don't like regular milk, I drink soy milk- and since my parents don't endorse it my Dad forces me to pay for it myself. I have to buy most of my own clothes, although sometimes my Mom contributes and buys little things like socks and underwear for me. My Dad has recently been saying that since I have a job, I should be paying rent on my room. (I'm 16)

    My parents, especially my father, have never been emotionally supportive. I cry a lot- like, practically every night I cry- and my father saw me crying once and he told me that I wasn't human. He called me an alien because I was crying and I've spoken to a lot of people about it and they've all supported me and told me that crying makes me human, it doesn't make me not human.

    I guess I do seem to follow a lot of what people tell me to do because I am very not self-confident. I don't want to bring back the boy again, because I do really need to get over him, I understand that, but I would always walk behind him and he asked me why, and I told him that it was because my father always forced me to walk behind him in public. I wouldn't call my father a misogynist, but he IS racist- he uses the "n" word to describe my neighbors and uses a lot of other racial slangs. The only time he does really seem misogynist is when he tells me that my opinions don't matter because I'm a woman. I told my mother about that and she yelled at him for it, but he said he was kidding and I was just trying to get him in trouble. I really don't think he was kidding, especially when he started screaming at me for telling her after.

    From the above, I don't have a strong family center, and everyone on my Mom's side of the family is deceased. Everyone on my Dads' side of the family doesn't like my Dad, and I never see them. I see my grandparents once a year, but I don't see my uncles or aunts either. I can't go to live with my grandparents because they're 80+ and they can't take care of themselves. They live with one of my aunts, and they live really far away. My aunts and uncles smoke and drink, and I don't think my family situation would be much better if I moved in with them because they don't have stable jobs or anything like that.

    I have spoken to several people at school who I have an amiable acquantince with, and I asked them if they wanted to go to the movies with me or something- just so I had an excuse to get out of the house because my parents won't just let me "leave" the house if I wanted to- I can't even go in the backyard without permission- but no one wants to hang out with me. I don't go to the mall with anyone or anything like that, I mostly sit here all day, alone.

    I'm a junior and so I'm starting to look at going away to college, but my parents, especially my Dad, say that I HAVE to stay here, and if I don't, then they're not going to contribute a cent. That's what my Mom told me, and when I talked to my Dad about it, he said he never said that, although I know he doesn't want me to go away. I told my Mom that Dad said she was lying, and she said that Dad was a liar.

    I don't know who to trust here, I really feel that I can't trust anyone here, but I really feel that my family problems, although they're a large part of who I am today, are inconsequential. I shouldn't let the way my parents treat me affect who I am, and I shouldn't let them get to me, although they do. I feel that a big part of maturing is evolving beyond a series of patterned decisions and doing things that I want to do.

    I want to try to be happy, but I really don't know how. I really hope that I haven't been complaining about how my family is treating me, because I don't mean to complain about it. My Dad's parents were abusive and so that may help him explain why he's abusive to me and my Mom, but as one of school counselors told me, I have to stop making excuses for him because he had a role to play as a father, and he's not living up to that role.

    I think I feel bad about posting a large portion about my family is because my family isn't forcing me to cut, I'm cutting of my own free will and so it really shouldn't involve them. I don't know- I'm torn as to how much my family problems have been affecting me.

    I tried looking myself in the mirror earlier today and telling myself that I am not a bad person, and I broke down crying. I always feel this constant pain in my chest, and I want all the pain to go away, but I don't know how. Like I said earlier, cutting resolved the pain but I can't use that forever. Can somebody help me?

    ((Btw, I read what you said about getting a therapist and I talked to my parents about it and my Dad said that getting a therapist may come up on a college application form and therefore he's against it))

    Last edited by boomerpuff; 03-21-2008 at 01:12 PM. Reason: Typo: I was forced to walk behind HIM not ME.

     
    Old 03-19-2008, 01:42 PM   #5
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    Re: I think I need help

    Hi Boomer,
    As Daze and Sannah said, you sound like a very intelligent and genuinely nice person. You shouldn't have to feel bad about yourself because of the way your family treats you. You have an awful lot going on in your life, and its understandable that you would feel overwhelmed and out of control. Cutting doesn't make you a bad person, nor does acknowledging the fact that you need help.
    Therapy is confidential, so it shouldn't end up on a college application. And I know it's a long way off, but when you do get to college there are counseling options available to you there, usually for free.
    *edited*
    Here if you need to talk, hang in there
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    Last edited by mentalhealth mod; 03-19-2008 at 03:54 PM. Reason: do not post information that will lead to another site/forum

     
    Old 03-19-2008, 02:15 PM   #6
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    Re: I think I need help

    Thank you for your support. There is no one I can really talk to about how I'm feeling, because when I talked to my counselor at school- I talked to a counselor and the school psychiatrist- and neither of them really cared about the cutting. They made me roll up my sleeves and I showed them the scars (they were faint because I hadn't cut in two weeks, but noticeable) and they're like, "Oh good, you haven't been cutting lately."

    I just shrugged my shoulders and then they started talking about my Dad. I didn't really bring up the topic again because then they started talking about the boy...they knew about him because he had gone around school telling everyone about my problems at home and what I do to myself and I've never been popular at school and this just worsened things cause I would walk down the hall and people would look at me and whisper and they'd be like, "Is that her?" "Yeah."

    I don't like telling people this, but I eat lunch in a bathroom stall because I have no friends. I could get in a lot of trouble for "cutting" lunch, but I don't really care because it's better then eating alone (I was brought up to guidance because freshmen year I ate alone, and they pushed me from table to table with other freshmen that had already made friends, and no one wanted me to sit with them).

    I cut at school a couple of times, but just my palms because I didn't want people to see fresh scars when I took off my blazer. It's really hard to change your reputation once it's gotten around to everyone and I'm in a really big school but somehow everyone knows that I'm "that girl whose always in guidance".

    I haven't been in guidance for the past month because I told them I had stopped cutting (cause I tried to stop before, and failed). I stopped for the whole month of January and then on February 19 I had a really big fight with my parents and so I started again, and then I did it twice in March. I had thought I had stopped permanently, but I recognized the relapse and realized I had to get help now.

    I really don't know who to talk to because I don't want anyone to feel like I'm burdening them with this type of information. The boy that I keep pointless referring to told me that I should never talk to anyone, and he originally dissuaded me from talking to a counselor until I couldn't take it anymore and broke away from him and talked to a counselor myself. ((The counselor had seen me writing and took one of my poems, and since then he had been asking me to give him new poems whenever I wrote one, so I was a little more trusting of him. I didn't know that he had been spreading my "dark poetry" throughout guidance to figure out how much "help" I needed.)

    I feel like I can't trust anyone because I feel like even my counselor turned his back on me and he had called my parents to the school (the meeting I mentioned earlier) and I wasn't even supposed to know about it. I had actually seen my Mom walking into the school and she told me Mr. L--------- wanted to see me, and I told her I'd take her to his office and she's like, "But you weren't supposed to know about it." They called me up then during study hall, and once they saw him enter the room everyone started whispering about me.

    I don't think I will find support from my counselors at school, I won't find it from anyone at school, and I won't find it from my family. I just had to minimize the screen because my Dad was screaming at me because Mom bought a Diet Mango Green Tea Snapple for me and put it on my desk and Dad found it and hid it somewhere. Mom took it and hid it somewhere else, and now Dad was holding a paintbrush above my head and told me to stop lying because "I know where I put it" and I have no idea where they're hiding it. Then he started screaming that he wasn't paying for it because I didn't "need it".

    The only reason I bring that particular thing up is because it JUST happened while I was typing and I feel its a good way to show how my Dad treats me on a day to day basis and I instinctively just reached to the top drawer of my desk where my scissors are. Everytime he screams at me I just feel completely worthless because I know he doesn't like me. He told me earlier he wants to "send me away somewhere", and that was because he told me I was "strange". He didn't even know I was cutting when he said that to me.

    I really need to find another coping strategy for myself, but I feel like everytime I try to make a stand for myself he pushes me back down. Yesterday I felt so confident that I could stop cutting if I tried and I could be happy if I tried, and when I first started typing this particular message I felt like that too and now I just feel like I don't deserve anything.

    I feel a strong urge to cut right now, and so I'm going to go take a long warm shower because I know they can't bother me in there. (They do open the door to go to the bathroom and they do open the door when I'm changing without knocking, but they don't do it that often, so I do feel like that is my only place to get some privacy.)

     
    Old 03-19-2008, 04:44 PM   #7
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    Re: I think I need help

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by boomerpuff View Post
    Thank you both for your support/advice. I feel humbled that you both want to help me, and I think I have to realize that I'm not alone in this, even though I feel really isolated here at home.

    I know I didn't say much about my family situation, but I think I should mention that I was conceived out of marriage, and my grandmother (now deceased) pushed, or coerced, my mother to marry my father, although she didn't want to. And so I feel like my mother holds some sort of resentment towards me there. She also constantly mentions that I'm under 18, and so they legally "own" me yet. I think I'm cutting because I want to feel a sense of control, because that is the one and only thing I have control over.

    That, and the ability to choose I react in a given situation; I was reading Man's Search For Meaning by Victor E. Frankel and "What Freedom Is" by Rollo May, and I've realized that I and I alone have the ability to choose how to react in any given situation.

    That's my mother. She's recently been in the hospital because of her hernia, and because of several heart problems that she has.

    My father has been emotionally abusive towards me and my younger sister throughout our lives, and he was physically abusive to me when I was younger. He never truly beat me to outrageous extremes, but he would pick me up and drop me, hit me repeatedly, shove me, ect. He has anger issues, although he constantly denies it, and although he claims that he is not, his doctors say that he is an alcoholic.

    I started taking Tae Kwon Doe classes, and I'm a green belt, and so I am less scared of him hitting me now because I am more experienced to protect myself if I have to. Since I went to counselling at my school, my Mom realized what emotional affects that my father has been doing to me, and so now she sometimes- sometimes- criticizes him whenever he screams at me or my sister.

    My sister is three years younger then I am, and she's starting to take after my Dad. If you don't do something fast enough or if she doesn't do exactly what you say, she'll scream at you and make fun of you, and my Mom is getting extremely worried that she is really going to become like my father. I used to feel that I could talk to my Mom about anything, but recently I discovered that I told my Mom and asked her to keep secret, she's told my Dad anyway, and so I don't trust her.

    I've pushed for my Mom to divorce my Dad, but she keeps making excuses about it, claiming that we'd have no money if we divorced, and there was an opening at my job, (I work in an outlet store) and Mom told me she couldn't take the job (even though the hours are VERY good) and her excuse was that we'd get less alimony if she did get a job and that's why she couldn't.

    My parents are very dominating of me, and they control practically everything I do. They control what I eat- I don't like regular milk, I drink soy milk- and since my parents don't endorse it my Dad forces me to pay for it myself. I have to buy most of my own clothes, although sometimes my Mom contributes and buys little things like socks and underwear for me. My Dad has recently been saying that since I have a job, I should be paying rent on my room. (I'm 16)

    My parents, especially my father, have never been emotionally supportive. I cry a lot- like, practically every night I cry- and my father saw me crying once and he told me that I wasn't human. He called me an alien because I was crying and I've spoken to a lot of people about it and they've all supported me and told me that crying makes me human, it doesn't make me not human.

    I guess I do seem to follow a lot of what people tell me to do because I am very not self-confident. I don't want to bring back the boy again, because I do really need to get over him, I understand that, but I would always walk behind me and he asked me why, and I told him that it was because my father always forced me to walk behind me in public. I wouldn't call my father a misogynist, but he IS racist- he uses the "n" word to describe my neighbors and uses a lot of other racial slangs. The only time he does really seem misogynist is when he tells me that my opinions don't matter because I'm a woman. I told my mother about that and she yelled at him for it, but he said he was kidding and I was just trying to get him in trouble. I really don't think he was kidding, especially when he started screaming at me for telling her after.

    From the above, I don't have a strong family center, and everyone on my Mom's side of the family is deceased. Everyone on my Dads' side of the family doesn't like my Dad, and I never see them. I see my grandparents once a year, but I don't see my uncles or aunts either. I can't go to live with my grandparents because they're 80+ and they can't take care of themselves. They live with one of my aunts, and they live really far away. My aunts and uncles smoke and drink, and I don't think my family situation would be much better if I moved in with them because they don't have stable jobs or anything like that.

    I have spoken to several people at school who I have an amiable acquantince with, and I asked them if they wanted to go to the movies with me or something- just so I had an excuse to get out of the house because my parents won't just let me "leave" the house if I wanted to- I can't even go in the backyard without permission- but no one wants to hang out with me. I don't go to the mall with anyone or anything like that, I mostly sit here all day, alone.

    I'm a junior and so I'm starting to look at going away to college, but my parents, especially my Dad, say that I HAVE to stay here, and if I don't, then they're not going to contribute a cent. That's what my Mom told me, and when I talked to my Dad about it, he said he never said that, although I know he doesn't want me to go away. I told my Mom that Dad said she was lying, and she said that Dad was a liar.

    I don't know who to trust here, I really feel that I can't trust anyone here, but I really feel that my family problems, although they're a large part of who I am today, are inconsequential. I shouldn't let the way my parents treat me affect who I am, and I shouldn't let them get to me, although they do. I feel that a big part of maturing is evolving beyond a series of patterned decisions and doing things that I want to do.

    I want to try to be happy, but I really don't know how. I really hope that I haven't been complaining about how my family is treating me, because I don't mean to complain about it. My Dad's parents were abusive and so that may help him explain why he's abusive to me and my Mom, but as one of school counselors told me, I have to stop making excuses for him because he had a role to play as a father, and he's not living up to that role.

    I think I feel bad about posting a large portion about my family is because my family isn't forcing me to cut, I'm cutting of my own free will and so it really shouldn't involve them. I don't know- I'm torn as to how much my family problems have been affecting me.

    I tried looking myself in the mirror earlier today and telling myself that I am not a bad person, and I broke down crying. I always feel this constant pain in my chest, and I want all the pain to go away, but I don't know how. Like I said earlier, cutting resolved the pain but I can't use that forever. Can somebody help me?

    ((Btw, I read what you said about getting a therapist and I talked to my parents about it and my Dad said that getting a therapist may come up on a college application form and therefore he's against it))
    No, you are right, your family is NOT forcing you to cut but they are not helping you stop it either. They are your parents for a reason and things like this are why parents are supposed to be there. We all should have at least one loving adult in our life that can help us through the tough stuff.

    I really know how you feel. My relationship with my parents as a child and teenager was awful, and now I am just detached from them. My mom beat me and my brothers. She verbally abused us as well but my parents were actually the opposite of yours. We did whatever we wanted, we ran the streets at all hours of the night, we drank and did drugs and anything else you can imagine a messed up teenager doing. At 13 my boyfriends were aloud to stay the night and sleep in my bed. Really our beatings ween't punishments for anything, they were just how my mom relieved her anger, and she did it often.

    Anyways, I just want you to know that you are not the only one with a less than normal family here. My Father has always been an alcoholic and drugs addict my whole life and my mom is a drug addict. But, my dad has been in AA for 13 years now and I spent a lot of time in Alateen. There we're taught how to detach from our parents in a way that makes it so that they can't harm us emotionally and it's important that a child of an alcoholic/drug addict parent learns how to do that or they can end up with a lot of unresolved issues long into their adulthood.

    You might want to check out Alateen. You'll for sure make friends there because everyone is going through the same thing you are. I met a lot of people who SIed while going there and these kids were all trying to get better to instead of glorifying it or just not caring to change or thinking that what they were doing was fine. Before I went there everyone I knew that was a cutter acted like it was something to glorify. Anways, they also have tons of events that you can be apart of and they can find you the help you need with your family as well.

     
    Old 03-19-2008, 05:38 PM   #8
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    Re: I think I need help

    Thank you...but isn't Alateen for alcoholics? My parents have let me drink wine and such, but I've never really drank or done drugs. I'm still willing to look into it though. Even with that said, I don't think my parents would let me voluntarily go to an Alateen meeting just because they really don't think I have a problem. They don't see it as an addiction- they think I've stopped and they don't check my arms anymore.

    But I caught on to something you said.

    Quote:
    ...we're taught how to detach from our parents in a way that makes it so that they can't harm us emotionally...
    That's what I want. I don't want to care when my father calls me names that no father should ever call his daughter. I know he thinks I've failed him as a daughter and I'm a disappointment, but there's nothing I can really do anymore then will prove him wrong. I'm a writer and I finished my novel...I spoke to him about getting my novel published, but he doesn't care. He's stop caring about me looking at colleges- although I see him everyday he hardly ever acknowledges me unless he's screaming at me for something and in this light it looks like the cutting was a miserable cry for attention.

    I don't really want attention from him though because any attention from him seems to be negative, even when it doesn't seem to be. A few months ago, my sister and I wanted to see a movie, but we're not allowed to go to a movie theatre by ourselves. One parents HAS to come with us, and we're allowed to sit next to them or one row in front of them, no more, otherwise we won't be allowed to go anymore. So once my Dad took my sister and I and he forced us to sit on either side of him, and we at first protested but we didn't want us to scream at us/hit us in public (which he has before) and so we just did as we were told. And all throughout the movie, he was poking me and grabbing my hair and he's like, "I see you laughing" and it made me really uncomfortable. I told him to stop repeatedly, but he just laughed and messed up my hair and I could feel the tears dripping down my cheeks. It's worse when you have people you know from school seeing that and they just make fun of you for it.

    My Dad buys hundreds of dollars worth of alcohol at a time and so if one can of beer went missing, he probably wouldn't even notice and so I thought heavily about drinking a beer and one day last summer he asked me to go into the basement to get a beer for him, and I opened it and I drank a little and it tasted really nasty so I didn't want to drink it again. I'm not allowed to go to parties or anything like that; I'm not allowed to leave the house, so my access to drugs and alcohol is pretty much limited to whatever's here.

    I have ODed on Tylenol before though, which I know is not good, but I just couldn't take the pain so right before I cut I took about 6 Tylenol...I honestly don't remember what happened after that. I think I passed out or something because the next thing I knew I was lying on my floor with scissors in my hands, my arm was bleeding, and my Mom had just come home from the store.

    Another thing that bothers me is that when my Mom takes my sister to the mall, I can sometimes go off on my own and I go to Hot Topic (my wardrobe is filled with band tees) and those only cover so far on your arms. In the summer when it's hot I usually wear long sleeves and long pants, which really calls for curiousity sometimes, and when I do wear short-sleeves, my arms are coated in sweatbands. (I have over 10 of them.) My favorite one I got from Hot Topic recently and says, "No blood, no foul." My Mom was with me in the store and the time and she glared at me, but said nothing other then I was "wasting" my money. She dropped out of work after I was born, and she constantly blames me for that too, although Dad gives her a hundred bucks to spend a week. I don't really know how that goes on a budget, but she charges everything from the food store, and so I don't really know where she spends all that money. In the summer my sister usually asks to go to Starbucks or something and then Mom yells at her because she says that she never has enough money to buy anything and then makes me buy it for her.

    I don't really mind because she's still my sister, but the fact that my sister hates me is a whole other issue entirely. I didn't bring this up before, but I had told my sister about my cutting after I found out my Mom had told my Dad and I didn't want her telling my sister that her older sister was a self-mutalating freak. So I told her when we were making smoothies one day, and she just shrugged it off and told me that she never ever liked me, and never really looked up at me as the older sister that I had always tried to be to her. She told me that I had no friends (which I don't) and she didn't respect me, and she didn't want to grow up to be anything like me.

    I suppose that really could have hurt me and caused me to stop cutting again, but for some reason it didn't. I don't care that she doesn't like me, or respect me, but I do care that she doesn't want to be like me. I don't feel that I went down a wrong road with cutting- I felt like I was just looking in the wrong place for another escpae route, but it was just a longer road that would take me to the same place. I don't know if I made any sense with that last line, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want an out of all my pain, and although I know cutting isn't exactly practical or long-term, it gave it to me.

    I never really felt that my parents treated me as unfairly, per say, but I've always found them to be domineering and controlling. Up until two years ago when I started wearing uniforms to school, they always picked out what I wore to school. Now that I've bought my own clothes, they don't pick out anything for me because they don't approve of anything I wear anyway. (Mostly it's jeans and a tee/sweatband or a sweatshirt).

    I don't blame my parents for how they treat me, because they've let me know time and time again that I was a mistake, and it wouldn't be a stretch to say that I've ruined both your life. A counselor told me that although having a child should change your life, it should be a good thing, and I apparently was a bad thing. I think he was trying to make a joke but I don't think I got it.

    I'm always constantly afraid of a relapse, and I know there's no where I can go where I will be completely not-tempted by it, but I really want a way out. I think I'm going to run away when I turn 18, just grab a backpack and run, but I honestly have nowhere to go. No friends to stay with, no family- I'll just end up in some shelter somewhere or along the side of a road.

    I'm tired of my parents walking into my room and stopping in the doorway, then shaking their heads and just walking away. I think that knowing that I'm such a disappointment to them is probably the biggest reason why I cut, because I feel like no matter what I'll do I'll never be able to live up to their standards.

    My parents don't see my cutting as a problem, and so unless it involves locking me up in a mental institution, they don't want me to talk about it. They've enacted a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, and they don't want me dumping my problems on them. I have no family members that will listen to me, no friends (besides the people I've met online) to talk to, and I feel totally and completely isolated from everything.

    I feel like I really need to cut right now, but I'm blasting loud music and trying to revamp one of my short stories so I'm trying to keep my mind off it...but it's not really helping.

     
    Old 03-19-2008, 06:39 PM   #9
    Dzesn
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    Re: I think I need help

    I will respond to the rest of this after I put my daughter to bed but I did want to say right now that Alateen is not for Alcoholics, it's for the CHILDREN of Alcoholic or Drug addicted parents. If you got involved they wouldn't be able to keep you from going.

     
    Old 03-19-2008, 07:08 PM   #10
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    Re: I think I need help

    Oh, okay, I understand that now. I never really thought about it because my Dad always says that he's not and I know he drank a lot of beer but I've never thought that he was addicted to it or anything like that and so I feel almost guilty when I say he's an alcoholic because he keeps insisting he's not...but the doctor's say he is and they ought to know...I might just be trying to keep in denial about that.

    I would go to an Alateen meeting, but I don't know where they are or who to even contact about that sort of thing...at my school they keep the "don't ask, don't tell" policy about that sort of thing, especially since it's supposed to be such a prestigious school. -.-'

     
    Old 03-19-2008, 08:28 PM   #11
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    Re: I think I need help

    You can find group listings through Doctor's Offices and Health Departments, any place that offers government assistance or anything along those lines will have the listings. You may even be able to find some online in your area.

    Your denial at your Dad's problem may stem from wanting to denial that you have a problem. I don't know that for sure but it's a good possibility. Not everyone that drinks is an alcoholic but if he doesn't have the power on his own to turn down alcohol then he is an alcoholic.

     
    Old 03-19-2008, 09:50 PM   #12
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    Re: I think I need help

    Hi! I can't say I've really had any experience with this problem or helped anyone with this kind of problem, but after reading all your posts I feel the need to reach out and say what I can that may help you.

    I'm 18 and I to haven't had the best family background. My "dad" left me the day I was born, he wanted to never know me or claim me as his own child and from then on out my mother just had a crappy choice in men. She was with 2 guys that I can clearly remember, both from the same family and both major alcoholics. I grew up most my life seeing the one guy as my father figure. Although I never really had a father/daughter relationship with him. He never abused me but his drinking was just too excessive and affected me day to day. Constantly arguing with my mother and kicking us out, him drinking so much forced my brother to go out on his own the day before he turned 17 because he just couldn't take it anymore. It's to the point now that I'm 18 and can make my own choices so I choose to completely not deal with it anymore. Mom is gone every single day to be with (mom and I have our own apartment due to him kicking us out a year ago... but she has still gone back) him and she rarely sees me. This affects me because I had a close relationship with her and I hate that she's wasting her life away to an alcoholic. But what can ya do? Anyway. I don't want you to think I'm dumping my issues out on you but I do want you to see that your not completely alone, at all. And I am here to help just like all of us

    You mentioned that your dad buys $100 worth or more of alcohol at a time. Seems to me he does have an alcohol issue, and whether or not it is a bad problem, it can still affect the way he acts and treats his family. HIS family background can also do the same, if he grew up being abused and unloved, it's gonna rub off to his children too. However reading over everything you said, it seems to me his issue goes deeper than alcohol. I think he needs to help, more than you. It appears that he's the one who has drug you this far, how does your mom feel about all this? Does she have any input with how he treats you or is it simply "what he says is what goes" kind of deal?

    I think you need some support from people your own age. I don't know how old you are, but I think you need to find a community or group of some sort with people that are having the same kind of issue as you. Sometimes we need to connect with people that see life the exact way we do at points and we don't feel happy until we do get that. As one of the previous posters mentioned the Alateen group which is a start. I think you need something more of like a teen group where teens are going through the same kind of thing such as the self injury and feeling unloved, kind of ordeal. Look online for stuff like this... do a search online, find message boards and possibly make some friend's. Any help is better than none :P

    I hope this helps you a little and I mainly posted letting you know I'm someone who is willing to listen and help. I wish you all the luck I have!

    Last edited by Abbygal; 03-19-2008 at 10:02 PM.

     
    Old 03-20-2008, 09:38 AM   #13
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    Re: I think I need help

    Thank you. I think I mentioned this before but I may have forgotten: I'm 16. I talked to my half sister last night for about an hour, and she is off on her own and living in Minnesota. My father and her mother split up when she was about four, and so my Dad only got to see her on the weekends (although the police had to get involved on several occassions because she wouldn't let him see them; on one occassion Dad told us that she was screaming through the door that he was going to rape her, and when Dad told us that story he actually seemed proud of it. I talked to Mom about it later and she just shrugged it off and said she was crazy, but then she lowered her voice and told me that she had no idea what went on.)

    My older half sister went to college in Ireland on a scholarship until she started cutting. Then she came back to live with us for six or so months (I never knew until after she left that she was kicking out of school for cutting). She went to school in Minnesota for a while until she dropped out, and now she works as a nanny and in a retirement home.

    She has a wonderful guy in her life that really cares about her (in fact, they've moved in together). She does jui juitsu now because her bf wanted her to learn some self-defense, and she really got into it. Just last week she won a tournament, so I'm very proud of her. =)

    She still drinks heavily, still cuts sometimes, is on antidepressants, and does weed sometimes, but for the most part she really wants to turn her life around. Recently I learned that her boyfriend, who had been reading my "dark" poetry, was really concerned about me, and he wants me to go up and visit them. (They live in Minnesota, I live in NY so there is a bit of a problem there). He said he'd buy me a plane ticket, but my father won't let me go up on a plane by myself, and he doesn't like her because he sees her as a "failure" too.

    My half sister is probably the strongest person I know, because she was in a rough situation, and she really knows where I come from, because she had to deal with my Dad too.

    Last night, everyone was arguing with each other, and I brought up how my sister and I don't like coming home to all the fighting. Then my sister said, "Actually, that's just you." and now there's just a lot of tension here and no one will talk to me unless they have to because they think I'm trying to tear the family apart. And it hurts because everyone is putting the blame on me, and I don't know what to do because I didn't think it was my fault, but it's starting to look like it just might be.

    I took the advice of one of my friend's yesterday and set up this ticker clock thing that says "__ days since the last time I cut" and that way my friend's are keeping track of me and encouraging me to stop cutting. I know this is something that I really need to do on my own, but I do like to have true friends supporting me, even if I never met them. I'm a year or two older then them, and so they look at me like an older sister.

    My friend Rebecca told me, "Everytime you cut, we bleed. Think about it." And I was actually struck speechless by the comment. I think this was one of the main reasons that I truly decided to stop cutting. I know I have to do it for me, but I feel if I'm helping someone else to stop, then it gives me more of an incentive to do it.

     
    Old 03-20-2008, 09:56 AM   #14
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    Re: I think I need help

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by boomerpuff View Post
    I think I'm cutting because I want to feel a sense of control, because that is the one and only thing I have control over.

    my father saw me crying once and he told me that I wasn't human. He called me an alien because I was crying

    my father always forced me to walk behind me in public. I can't even go in the backyard without permission-

    I really feel that my family problems, although they're a large part of who I am today, are inconsequential. I shouldn't let the way my parents treat me affect who I am, and I shouldn't let them get to me, although they do. I feel that a big part of maturing is evolving beyond a series of patterned decisions and doing things that I want to do.

    I tried looking myself in the mirror earlier today and telling myself that I am not a bad person, and I broke down crying.

    my Dad said that getting a therapist may come up on a college application form and therefore he's against it))
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by boomerpuff View Post
    I talked to a counselor and the school psychiatrist- and neither of them really cared about the cutting.
    then they started talking about my Dad.

    Everytime he screams at me I just feel completely worthless because I know he doesn't like me.
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by boomerpuff View Post
    I don't want to care when my father calls me names that no father should ever call his daughter. I know he thinks I've failed him as a daughter and I'm a disappointment, but there's nothing I can really do anymore then will prove him wrong.

    I don't really want attention from him though because any attention from him seems to be negative, even when it doesn't seem to be. all throughout the movie, he was poking me and grabbing my hair and he's like, "I see you laughing" and it made me really uncomfortable. I told him to stop repeatedly, but he just laughed and messed up my hair and I could feel the tears dripping down my cheeks.

    I'm not allowed to leave the house,

    She dropped out of work after I was born, and she constantly blames me for that too,

    she just shrugged it off and told me that she never ever liked me, and never really looked up at me as the older sister that I had always tried to be to her. She told me that I had no friends (which I don't) and she didn't respect me, and she didn't want to grow up to be anything like me.

    I've always found them to be domineering and controlling.

    I don't blame my parents for how they treat me, because they've let me know time and time again that I was a mistake,

    I'm tired of my parents walking into my room and stopping in the doorway, then shaking their heads and just walking away. I think that knowing that I'm such a disappointment to them is probably the biggest reason why I cut, because I feel like no matter what I'll do I'll never be able to live up to their standards.
    Hi Boomer, my heart really goes out to you. Everyone deserves good parents but many of us don't get this (I am a member of this club too). I don't think it matters what label you put on your dad (if he is an alcoholic or not). The real issue is how he affects you. I cannot believe that your parents tell you all this stuff about you being a mistake and how things are your fault. I know that they love you but they sure have a weird way of showing it. Like when your dad was trying to play with you at the theater. He really had no clue how to do it but I am sure that he really wanted to connect with you. Yes, this is what he learned while growing up.

    I'll bet your mom doesn't really realize what comes out of her mouth sometimes and how it can affect you. I know she loves you. She went to the counselors, she is trying to protect you now from your dad. She bought you that iced tea. Do you think that you can go to your mom and tell her that you really just need to know that she loves you?

    The same thing with your dad. He sounds really uncomfortable with emotions, like when he said you weren't human for crying. This says more about him than you. Everything that he does is more about him than you. Maybe this could be a way for you to not let him hurt you anymore - if you could see everytime that he says something hurtful to you that it is more about him than you.

    As for your counselors moving onto your dad and not paying attention to your cutting. Sounds like they are just trying to get to the real issue - your dad.

    Of course how your parents treat you affects you. Children are at the mercy of their parents until they can start to help themselves.

    When you said that you cried when you told yourself in the mirror that you are a good person, you got this message from your parents. The way that they treat you says that you are not a good person but this is not the message that they really want to give you. I don't really think that they realize what the heck they are doing. Your dad especially sounds so lost in his problems that his behavior just falls out of him randomly.

    Maybe it would help you to cope with your parents if you could realize that you are smarter than they are. I see this so much here. A smart kid suffering under her lost parents. The teenager feels so bad under this but I think that it would help if you could mentally take yourself out from under them if you know what I mean. When they say something hurtful think first that they are just lost and that you know better. Build yourself up. You sound like a great person. You are so much better than you think that you are. If you could just visualize this and see it.

    I think that your parents aren't happy that you aren't happy but what they don't realize is that they caused it and your happiness is in their hands (the quick route. You can find happiness without their help too).

     
    Old 03-20-2008, 10:05 AM   #15
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    Re: I think I need help

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by boomerpuff View Post
    Last night, everyone was arguing with each other, and I brought up how my sister and I don't like coming home to all the fighting. Then my sister said, "Actually, that's just you." and now there's just a lot of tension here and no one will talk to me unless they have to because they think I'm trying to tear the family apart. And it hurts because everyone is putting the blame on me, and I don't know what to do because I didn't think it was my fault, but it's starting to look like it just might be.
    Hi again, it looks like we were posting at the same time on this thread! It sounds like you are seeking out other support! (online friends and your half-sister). It also sounds like you are throwing a wrench into the machinery at home and it is messing with the route dysfunction. There is nothing wrong with this as long as you can handle it.

    One thing that my husband and I do is that when you are going to give constructive criticism to someone it sometimes helps to say something positive first to set the mood. We joke saying first we pet them and then we slap them.

    Last edited by Sannah; 03-20-2008 at 10:07 AM.

     
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