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xpoppyx 04-24-2008 02:37 PM

it got worse,
i dont know why, but things just got so bad again,,,
ive no answers, just lots of scars, and bruises,, i keep seeing my therapist, he's so lovely,,but the past week i felt myself slipping again,, nothing different has happend in my life,, but im crying, cutting and confused all the time again, i thought id turned a corner, but its like something has dragged me back,, :-(,right back to the start again,, and i feel like im running out of energy for it all,,, i know there are no answers here,, but i just feel so lost and helpless,,
and scared,,

katlin09 04-24-2008 06:54 PM

Re: it got worse,
Poppy your right I have no answers for you as I too have relapsed as of late. But I wanted you to know that your not alone. It is scary, and it does seem to get worse every time it happens, but I guess we just have to try and fight the urge, that's all we can do, right? I hope some peace finds us all soon.

trg247 04-25-2008 09:57 PM

Re: it got worse,
It is important to see self harm like any other addiction. To reach the release point it is going to take more and more damage as our tolerance level keeps getting higher and higher. About six months back I scared myself as the cutting was just not doing it anymore so I was considering taking a hammer to my hand but thankfully something kicked in so I did not go through with but I did realize how large this problem has become and it was enough to make me stop for quite some time.

I have been self harming off and on for over two decades and everytime I stop for awhile and then for whatever the reason return to it the damage level reaches the danger level way too quickly which I realize so I work harder to stay away from it. Yes I still have slips here and there but I know I need to get it into check quickly before my cutting sessions start to resemble a suicide attempt.

Self harm is something I have used for the majority of my life to get rid of the unwanted emotions that I allowed to build inside and to feel like I am still alive but I also know it can potentially kill me if the razor goes to far. Now I use sites like this to just let everything out so they can not accumulate and have various tools i use to get past the urges. But when the relapses or slips happen I do not take it as a failure but a bump in the road and I know the faster I get back on the recovery train the better off I will be.

take care

xpoppyx 04-26-2008 12:29 PM

Re: it got worse,
thankyou for replying, and its reasurring knowing im not alone here, i was so reluctant to speak out, but ive found it helpful and the advice is much appreciated,,
my family are totally confused by me and have no idea why i am who i am or why i do what i do, at least here i dont feel like im completely crazy,, and i realy have been trying so hard to be more careful, it would be impossible to remove every sharp item from the house,but i reached a stage where i felt i couldnt control the urges, and i just dont know what to do,

i dont want to die, i never have, but i cant kick the habit of cutting, i think your right trg247, it is like an addiction, the feeling, the colour of blood, the scars after,, i know people must think this sounds realy wierd and crazy, but i cant help it, and i know i shouldn;t enjoy it, but i just dont know how to want to stop!,,
ive taken up drawing, reading, exercising, cooking over the years, but nothing seems to keep my mind of SI for long,
i wish i could convince myself its wrong/bad/unaceptable, but sometimes it just feels normal to me!,, i felt like something was taking over in my head, but for the past 7 months ive been on meds i feel like its in control again,,
im sorry, im rambling,, i just cant talk to anyone i know about this, nobody understands how it feels, or how confused my head is all the time,,

grateful as always,

s402310 05-18-2008 02:07 PM

Re: it got worse,
I completely understand. I too have struggled with cutting off and on for the past 6 years. and I am currently on an on stage. And I absolutly HATE it. But even through my hate I continue to cut. I will be screaming in my mind to stop and yelling out Jesus help me even as I am cutting. No control over it at all sometimes it seems. :(

Let me know if you come up with any good ways to overcome cause I could use some advice as well. :)

katlin09 05-18-2008 06:24 PM

Re: it got worse,
you and I have alot in common, except when I'm cutting i'm usually repeating, "I hate you" or "I wish you'd d**" thinking or my father who molested me as a child, or my mother who didn't protect me....but I too just kind of zone out, it's almost like watching someone else do it...and stopping seems impossible.

s402310 05-19-2008 12:48 PM

Re: it got worse,
yep.... i can totaly relate to the watching someone else. Most of the time when I cut I can't even feel it anymore. I just do... and it is like watching someone else cutting. crazy. If you ever come with some ideas on how to stop let me know cause I am coming to the point where I don't think I will ever get help. And when I do reach out people either don't talk about it with you because its such a taboo subject or they are like well i have never struggled with and its such a broad topic that I just don't know what to tell you. and its annoying. so if you ever come up wtih something, you should let me know. :)

xpoppyx 06-01-2008 03:41 PM

Re: it got worse, but im getting there,
hi, id like to say things have been good since i last wrote,, but, i had two slip ups,, which i know isnt great, but for me is pretty amazing, 8 months ago i reached a point where i was cutting or injuring at least once a day!,, and it has been a tremendously hard and long journey to reach where i am today, and im realy chuffed with my progress so far, im not putting out the flags because i know ive still a way to go,

but i just wanted to share how far i feel ive come now to only si twice in a month, for me is a "massive" milestone,, and i just wanted to let anyone else know who feels things wont ever get better that it can and it will,,
slowly, and surely,,

it would have been impossible to have done this on my own, mainly because i refused to admit it was wrong,,(it still feels ok sometimes?), anyway, with amazing suport from my husband and weekly visits with a therapist i feel like im regaining control of the situation, mostly,

i feel so much more focused since the doctor halved my medication (which i had to persuade my therapist i was ready for),,apart from the side effects im relieved the urge to si hasnt returned as it was months ago, and when it does happen its not nearly as dangerous as it was,,

i havent any clever advice, it just took time ,, and patience, and heck of alot of support, i hope i can keep going forward now, and wish everyone all the best in reaching their own goals too, :)

best wishes xpoppyx

littlesadone 06-02-2008 11:24 AM

Re: it got worse,
I'm so glad to hear that things are going better for you. It gives hope to others to hear that the battle can be fought and victories (no matter how small) can be won. I hope and pray that things will continue to improve for you and that that great support you have from your husband will just get stronger and stronger.

Thanks for sharing...

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