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I don't understand...

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Old 01-22-2009, 03:21 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ, USA
Posts: 5
AngryNsad HB User
I don't understand...

I 1st started cutting when I was 14yrs old. After I got rapped by my boyfriend. I didn't tell anyone until after a year. I guess I've always had a problem because soon after the rape incident I started cutting myself because my mom beat me. It felt right after I got rapped, so I did it after I got beat. It was said that I was sexually molested by my step pops when I was one. I remember being molested when I was 9 and molested AGAIN when I was 15 and 16 by my cousin. I just don't get it? Why do I cut myself? I am around all these guys that look at my scars and think it's ugly or that I am psycho but I'm not! It really does help! I don't care if I pull the race card. I am half Mexican Italian, I have a temper. I used to get in trouble for breaking stuff or leaving at night, so damn I'll cut myself. It feels better anyways. Okay long story short... I reached a breakthrough or so I thought. Last time, well until recently... That I cut myself was... August 05' I believe and I almost died. SERIOUSLY. I almost DIED! ... I do the research now that I am 21... and it happens! It's sad! ... But yeah... I almost died! The doctor said a hair more I would have... WOW! Scary! well... DUH! I cut my wriste BUT... hey... I was drunk!? No... that's not an excuse... anyways! BIG eye opener! So... I STOPPED! Then... well, then... I get married to this controlling mental/physical abusive man and I start again?! Yeah! The summer of 06' aw man he, he just didn't get it! I was in the kitchen we got in a fight and well... I got a steak knife! Cut myself 2x... it bled whatever I was fine! It was like a natural high... I know I know! SAD! Anyways The next year around... fall? Same thing! ... I was sick of myself... I mean damn! Everyone can see and I can't take the fact that they can judge! ... BIG SCARS! I don't do it for attention! Who does? No one... Anyways... I am not blaming anyone I am a firm believer in self responsibility... but it all triggered when I got with my man... THEN! I stopped... he said if I did it again... he'd do it! Well they (him) don't understand... so I was scared... I STOPPED! Well... Happy New Year 09' something happened... I locked myself in the bathroom with of course a steak knife and cut myself down the leg 6x. I thought I was better than that but I slipped up! He didn't let me forget it! He called my psycho and crazy he can't deal with it! We're married!? and now... well now I left him... and everyday I tell myself I am better than that for my daughter and myself! It's hard... I am not going to say I am "fixed" but... I try! ... please reply I like opinions! If your rude I take it as the truth hurts... or maybe you can read this just to relate... but moral is... It gets better! YOU always find a way! Don't be ashamed. If anything "I" understand!

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Old 01-22-2009, 06:01 PM   #2
Join Date: Mar 2008
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katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: I don't understand...

*sigh* well I'd love to tell you that hey if you get away from the abusive bas***** you'll be able to live without cutting anymore, but well ain't so. I've been fighting this since I was 12 and I'm almost 40. Yes I've has abuse in my past, sexual, physical you name it, we don't do it for attention we do it because it's how we learn to cope when we have no "normal" parents or adults to teach us how we should cope with horrible things that should never ever happen to children. I've been able to stop for long period of times, but not quit. 2008 has been hell for me, complete with 2 ER visits totalling 26 stitches, 1 suicide attempt and a week stay in the psyc ward. But, for me anyways, you get up dust yourself off think of your kids and figure out a reason to keep on trying....again. I'm finally on my own with just me and my son, and I'm the happiest I've been in a long time, but I still cut, and I still have BiPolar with severe suicidal depression, I'm just happy in between all the hard times. I take tons of meds, I see a psychologist once a week, a psychiatrist every 2 weeks, and I'll keep doing it all whether I want to or not, because I have a son who needs me to take care of him and that gives me something to fight for.

Don't give up hope, everytime you stop is a victory and if you fall down, then get back up, dust yourself off, think of your daughter and know that you have something to fight for.


Old 01-27-2009, 08:41 PM   #3
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Posts: 36
fizz331 HB User
Re: I don't understand...

hey hun

im sorry things have been so rough for you i do believe you have done the right thing in leaving for you and your daughter, i understand the nautral high i can relate to that and relief that you feel afterwards but its short lived and then the feeling return, yes its a way of coping right in our eyes, wrong in others but lucky them for coping in another way, your not freak so some to poke fun at or abused by anyone

Your stronger than you give yourself credit for yor still here and you left to start again and now its going to rough but i hope you have some surport and there is us baby steps but im sure you will get there for you and your daughter

sorry i dont have any words of wisdom but i understand

take care fizz xxxx

Old 01-28-2009, 05:30 AM   #4
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ireland
Posts: 679
irishwriter HB User
Re: I don't understand...

i don't really have any words of wisdom. you have been through hell. yes the high, the calm, the actually feeling something after cutting is great but the depression after that is worse and harder to deal with. i stopped for a few months then started again and did it for four weeks and stopped again two and half days ago (yay) and am trying to continue without it. i am thinking of you and i do understand.

Old 01-31-2009, 08:42 PM   #5
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Waynesboro, Pennsylvania
Posts: 52
BreathNoMore HB User
Re: I don't understand...

"If your rude I take it as the truth hurts... "

Hello, my dear!! Nobody is going to be rude to you here. Every person on this message board has been there and done that when it comes to cutting.. I can safely say that we have all experienced the same feelings in regards to self mutilation (ie: the natural high, the guilt and pain experienced afterwards) and are here to provide love and support on your way to recovery. It seems like you've been through so much and I admire your strength and courage for deciding to do the right thing, pick up the pieces, and start anew. Tomorrow will be a month since I was raped, and I too delved back into the vicious cycle of cutting. It's nothing but a temporary solution..and in the long run gets you nowhere. But this is something you can fight..and walk away a stronger person because of. It makes me sick to think that people would label SM's as "crazy" or "psycho," because we aren't...sometimes the hurt is just too much. And only somebody who has walked in our shoes can understand that.

I wish you the best of luck and am SO PROUD of you for taking that first step towards making a change. You are a wonderful person that deserves the best that life can give you...stay strong and keep posting!!!


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