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IonRage 04-02-2011 11:54 PM

I'd cut myself if it didn't hurt
because I hate pain. I really do. I tend to over eggagerate (sp!) pain because i think it hurts so much. I hear of people going to the dentist w/o using novocaine, and I'm like ***?? LOL I need like 5 shots just to get a cavity filled --- and we won't even go into how i feel about the shots, lol

That said-- I just said, out loud to myself tonight--- I'd cut myself if it didn't hurt so damn much !!!!!!!

I really would, because my ex dummped me 2 years ago and we were together for 11 years . we have one child together (he's almost 9).. the ex lied and cheated (but not slept w/ anyone but who the heck knows how true that is), and I am a firm believer that you can havfe anything you want as long as you really want it.. but he doesn't want me anymore, he wants her and I don't understand why he loves her like he does, but didn't love me the way he loves her..

April 2nd would have been 13 years for us. I wanted to fix it, but he didn't. I paid $500 of my money for counseling and he lied to him.

But why do I want to be w/ him? i don't know... we just had a 35 min long conversation where I balled my eyes out and screamed and yelled and told me he doesn't feel anything anymore..

I'm so lost.

I'm just too scared of the pain that's why I won't do it.. But i know the pain might take away the emotional pain I've been feeling for the past 2 years.

But it hurts too much. And i don't want it to become a habit, but I'm afraid it will.

I can't believe I just typed this post. I had an appt w/ a psychiatrist 2 weeks ago but the bus didn't stop near the place and I ended up two miles away and was already late and I called them and they said i had to reschedule and I had already waited a MONTH to see someone. I'll just tell them what I wrote in this post and maybe I'll get in faster.. Boy, they really care about me, don't they?

ps--I'm 40 btw

Ambler 04-10-2011 07:16 AM

Re: I'd cut myself if it didn't hurt
Sounds like you have enough pain (both physical and mental) in your life already. You don't need to cut.

There are probably not many professionals who can help you on these boards, however, many of us have experienced similar things and can offer you reasonable advice (although with certain caveats).

Is that the only psychiatric help you can find (2 miles from your home)? I'd guess, especially near Long Island, that qualified doctors offices would be a dime a dozen. After reading your post, I really think you'd benefit from sustained professional help (i.e. therapy).

All I can think is that if you were brave enough to describe your problems here, you are strong enough to move on and accept his decision to leave. Live and learn. Think of the reasons he cited for leaving and reflect on how you can change yourself for the better. Message me privately if you simply need someone to listen to your complaints (thats about all I'm qualified to do).

katlin09 04-16-2011 09:59 PM

Re: I'd cut myself if it didn't hurt
Beginning to cut yourself at this time and age won't solve anything. It will just create way more problems in your life than you need. I am 42 yrs. old and started cutting when I was 10, that's 32 yrs of battling this, a very long time. And yes I've went for periods of time without cutting but it always comes back. Beleive me you don't want to have scars all over you so that people are constantly asking you "what happened?" You don't want to have to explain to your 9 yr. old son what you're doing when he catches you, or figures it out, like I had to do my 11 yr old son. There are so many things that go with this type of pain relief that you just don't want to have get in to. And honestly if your scared of the pain, then this isn't really something you want to do. I had to get 74 stitches in 1 year from cutting....none of it hurt, I didn't even feel it. So if your really scared of the pain, then your brain is telling you, "Don't do this!"

Find a therapist, a good talk therapist and talk, don't hold things in, don't keep the pain in, let it out. If it's going to take a little while before you see your doc, get a journal and pour it all out in the pages of that journal. Just write every day until your tired of writing. Take all the pain and anger that's in your head and dump it on the pages of that journal.

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