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tearsnfears 11-11-2012 10:51 PM

the urge is almost unbearable
so I am here instead. I have tried journaling about, I have tried ice, drawing a line on it, I have tried reading, just about anything I could think of to distract me but I want to cut. I have been fighting the urge for a week now. I don't know why the urge is so strong tonight, maybe because i am so upset with myself of other self esteem destroying behavior this weekend maybe because the holidays are looming near and that means dysfunctional family gatherings, guilt and painful reminders I can't stand.

I want to cut so bad tonight but there are two things hovering on the fringes of my mind that so far have stopped me from proceeding one is absolute insanity and that is there is this microscopic chance that a guy I am so hung up on that sees me barely as a friend had hinted at a possible booty call tomorrow which is insanity and not good for my self esteem and yes if he called I would go but if I had cut I could never explain the cuts and the booty call would be a disaster that ended worse than it will if he calls and I don't have any cuts. the second thing stopping me from cutting is that I have a medical test scheduled tuesday morning for my gall bladder which has been bothering me for two weeks and if heaven forbid they decided that two weeks of constant pain from it was a reason to take it out I could never explain the cuts nor hid them from the outpatient surgery center. Scars are one thing fresh cuts another especially on a 40+ year old woman with a "respectible " position in the community. I can't have my dirty laundry getting aired

I just want to cut and there is no where to cut. It is times like this I wish I had developed other coping mechanisms but I haven't I am a basket case screaming in her mind about how my life feels out of control, how my new meds make me feel as though everything but the urge to cut is felt somehow on the periphery not as part of my real life

Sorry this is such a long rambling disaster I see my Pdoc on Tuesday and while I feel like the new med I am on had made a huge difference I feel as though the depression is stalking me, just hovering around the edges of my life waiting to strike and even worse, I question if my doc was right and I can't live with it if he was because bi-polar isn't a diagnosis for me it is a death sentence. It means the end to the future I want, It means the end period, If I have to look forward to a life filled with more downs like the past 9 months I won't survive this one let alone a future down cycle.

flamesabers 11-12-2012 02:02 PM

Re: the urge is almost unbearable
Hello tearsnfears.

Is there any way you could avoid or minimize the time you spend at your upcoming family gatherings? I think having to deal with the pain and the possible surgery of getting your gall bladder removed is reason enough to not go to any family gatherings that will be stressful for you.

It may not sound like much, but I think wanting to develop other coping mechanisms and recognizing the ramifications of cutting is a good prerequisite to finding other coping mechanisms. You're already putting forth the effort which I think matters a lot. Maybe after the new med starts to work more you'll find it easier to distract yourself from wanting to cut.

Has your pdoc been helpful at all with devising alternative coping mechanisms?

tearsnfears 11-12-2012 10:59 PM

Re: the urge is almost unbearable
I am minimizing my family time as much as possible, over thankgiving however we are moving my grandmother from her home into assisted living and this is a major step so we have all been asked to be involved. I do get to cut the weekend short as I have to pick my son up from his father and new stepmother Saturday night.

As for my personal health being a reason to reduce interaction with my family that has never been an allowable excuse in the past, last year I had a hysterectomy the second week in december and was expected to be a full participant in all christmas activities with the family including traveling 7 hours across the state to spend the time with the full extended family. It is my intention to put off any gall bladder procedures until after the first of the year that are not considered emergent in other words if they don't think it will rupture between now and the first of the year it can wait. The pain is tolerable and to some extent a distraction from cutting so that is a good thing.

I had a really bad day today sort of got blindsided by the fact that the guy I have fallen for really really will never get over his ex wife and the rose colored glasses I had been wearing trying to believe that our way less than perfect relationship stood a chance at improving isn't going to ever be more than me taking whacks at my own self esteem. I wanted to come home and just scream and cry about it , I wanted to let the hurt out like normal people do but it wouldn't come out no matter what I did I couldnt even cry a tear over the end of the relationship but the minute I made that first cut it was like a complete release of tension, by the time I stopped only three more later I felt I could go on, I could come on here and talk about how I know it isnt the right way to let go but writing it, singing about, talking to a friend about how I felt when the relationship ended trying to cry, none of those helped me to let go, Yes Flame, my pdoc and I are working on other coping mechanisms but one of his first steps has been that he wants me to elimnate what he considers to be negative coping mechanisms which include: cutting, binge eating, binge drinking, alcohol abuse, prescription drug abuse, and sexual promiscuitiy we have been working on the drugs, alcohol, cutting and sex. while adding things like requiring me to talk to someone in person or on the phone before I cut, get high or do anything else that could be physically reckless.

I guess I have a lot of work to do tomorrow because I broke the rules twice today. :(

flamesabers 11-13-2012 07:41 PM

Re: the urge is almost unbearable
Would it matter to your family if your doctor recommended you don't go on any extended driving trips until after you've recovered from your surgery next year? It would be extremely unfortunate if not dangerous I think if you experienced any health complications while driving across the state.:(

I hope your pdoc recognizes you're trying the healthier coping mechanisms, but as you said they're not working for you.

tearsnfears 11-13-2012 11:43 PM

Re: the urge is almost unbearable
unfortunatly, my family would recommend that I either see another doctore or not worry since so many family members ar in the health field that could help take care of me if necessry . They have added to the basic holiday strain that we are moving my grandmother from her home of the last 30 year in to assisted living over the holiday weekend. The idea being that several of us will be home and that this way she cant change her mind. It is sad that I have an understanding with my pcp that he gives me a scrip from xanax each year just to get me though the holiday, but with just barely coming out of what has been a truly serious depresson the past few months and still getting new meds regulated with pdoc how do I explain to them that the only way I truly believe I can get through this period at least the next three weeks is to give me a way to escape into my head. I doubt they will give me anything that allows that but meds that would let me completely fuzz them out.

flamesabers 11-25-2012 11:08 AM

Re: the urge is almost unbearable
How are things going for you tearsnfears? Has your new meds helped anymore with improving your mood?

tearsnfears 11-25-2012 10:37 PM

Re: the urge is almost unbearable
I don't know if the new meds are going to work for me, my pdoc said that his concern with putting me on them was that if I am as he suspects type 2 bi-polar that they would cause me to swing to a hypomanic state and I am trying very hard to believe that I haven't but I am not so sure that it is working.

the holidays were not a good time for me, moving my grandmother was difficult and I ended up having issues with my ex-husband and his new wife which didn't help. I would like to say that I used healthy coping mechanisms but I didn't. I haven't cut in a couple of weeks but I need to get my head on straight when is comes to how much I drink and eat. My gallbladder is giving me so much pain that I am thinking of going to a liquid diet until I see the surgeon on Wed just to see if that helps and by liquid I don't mean alcohol. I see my pdoc at the end of the week I just don't know what he is going to say about the meds.

flamesabers 11-26-2012 05:21 AM

Re: the urge is almost unbearable
I hope your appointments this week with your surgeon and pdoc go okay.

I'm sorry to hear you're in a lot of pain because of your gallbladder. Do you think you could get it removed sooner than next year so that you don't have to endure more pain while trying to figure out what to do with your meds?

tearsnfears 11-29-2012 09:50 PM

Re: the urge is almost unbearable
I saw the surgeon yesterday and I am having my gallbladder out tomorrow. I started running a fever on Monday and having nausea so my PCP doc was concerned and wanted it out sooner rather than later because I am supposed to travel for work next week and the week after and he didn't want me on the road and to have something happen to me while I was gone. It is supposed to be a very simple easy procedure and I will be back at work on Monday.

The only thing I am nervous about and I know that this is crazy because this isn't my first procedure at this surgery center I had a hysterctomy there last december and a colonoscopy last spring but and maybe it is the new meds and that fact that my depression seems to be receding at least more on this med than on my previous meds but for the first time ever I am worried/nervous about what the medical personnel will say/think when they see my scars. I work in a very public position but because I work in an office I am always able to cover them in public and since I rarely socialize in warm weather they are not something that are seen by people generally. I know it is crazy but I see these people at school functions, church, on the street, and in work interactions regularly. It is almost bad enough that I would live with the pain rather than wonder what they say when I am unconcious and can't hear them which I know is crazy.

flamesabers 11-29-2012 10:14 PM

Re: the urge is almost unbearable
I hope there's no complications with your surgery tomorrow. It's good to hear your meds are reducing the intensity of your depression. :)

In regards to the medical personnel seeing your scars, I hope they're all professional and will not treat you any differently than before. I see it as being very unethical if they say anything about your scars to anyone who does not need to know. I think it's very messed up to be put in the situation where you have to choose between living with excruciating pain and being stigmatized by the people around you.

tearsnfears 11-29-2012 10:38 PM

Re: the urge is almost unbearable
Thanks Flame, I don't know that they will or would tell anyone about my scars it is just a huge fear. To me it I know is part of my issues that my Pdoc would tell me that I need to question which lense am I looking at it through the one the tells me I am a worthless failure and knows that everyone else knows that or the logical lens that takes that statement and makes me look at it how others might actually percieve me it isn't easy. He tells me that my black and what view of the world is often wrong an based simply on my opinions of my self no factual evidence just how I judge me. I guess the reason this probably bothers me the most is that it is abdominal surgery and that is an area that when I have cut in the past I sort of viewed as my private battlefield I don't wear low rise pants, midriff baring tops or two piece swiming suits so as a single woman no one sees that area ever so it was safe from view and now I can't cover it with the hospital gown as that is the area they will need to make incisions. What if I have made my recovery from surgery jeopardize somehow by my past self harming?

flamesabers 11-30-2012 12:01 PM

Re: the urge is almost unbearable
I don't think you're a worthless failure. I hope this surgery turns out to be an experience that demonstrates you can get medical treatment without being treated like a social outcast because of your scars.

It's possible I think the scars on your abdomen may jeopardize your recovery from surgery, but you probably won't know for certain either way until after your surgery.

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