It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Sexual Health - General Message Board

my fiancé won't have sex with me but masturbates daily I'm at my breaking point


Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-21-2015, 05:05 PM   #1
kat73
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 8
kat73 HB User
my fiancé won't have sex with me but masturbates daily I'm at my breaking point

Hi this is the first time I've done a post that is how desperate i am feeling. I've been with my fiancé for 8 years now and couldn't imagine my future without him in it as i love him with all my heart but i feel as though I am at my breaking point when it comes to our sex life or lack thereof. When we first met we started out as friends due to me being married at the time to a man who had been mentally abusing me for 18 years and who had cheated on me several times (as i found out after i left him). My ex was not very open sexually we actually had a very boring sex life and to my knowledge he did not watch much or no porn without me present. I did however leave the relationship as i no longer loved him when i met my current partner. I was fully aware that he watched porn on a daily basis as he had been single for 4 years after he cheated on his fiancé and left her for the new woman (whom he was only with for a short period before she walked out on him) 6 weeks before they were due to get married. I have never had a problem with him watching porn. I even asked him before we were together if we could swap some of our porn dvd's so we both had something new to watch and my porn collection was even bigger than his. We met under very stressful conditions and didn't have our first date until 6 years into our relationship. Our sex life was great he was everything i had wanted in the bedroom. Very attentive to my needs always wanting to please me as i did him. I really thought we were on the same page when it came to our sex needs as i am quite open about sexually as he is. I was pretty much willing to try just about anything with him he was more on my level with sex than my ex. We were having sex everyday which i never complained about but then i was getting it less and less as time went by and he started becoming less attentive. I noticed he was masturbating in the shower or he would either hide in his car or the bedroom even go for a drive to do it alone on the toilet wherever he could hide. At first i had no problem with it because i was still getting what i needed but the more i let him do it the worse he got and i began to suffer from it. It would build up until I'd eventually get angry and lash out at him. This became a daily thing for us because he was doing it on a daily basis so Everytime i caught him masturbating i would get angry. So he started hiding it more and more and our sex life dwindle to every 4-6 months. Over the time we have been together there have been times where i have put on weight as i am atm due to medication for depression which i am proudly cured of for now. There have been times where he has been out of work and i understand how these things can affect your sex life so I have tried to be as understanding as i knew how. He suggested one day that we introduce a male friend of his into our sex life i agreed because it was what he wanted and if it turned him on i was willing to put my feelings aside. We made a agreement that If I gave him a signal which we had talked about before the 3 some he would stop session but that did not happen. I agreed to it a second time and he let me down again i was even in tears when it was happening and it still was not enough. We have had several discussions about our non existent sex life and over the years I've received these answers to him not giving me sex and masturbating instead to porn I'm not in the mood, I'm tired, I've got a headache, you need to be more sexy there's plenty more but the kicker i just can't have normal bedroom sex it needs to be exciting for me. Someone please help me understand how that is so and why he has no problem masturbating to porn everyday. He stays up all night and it's usually for a minimum of 6 hours up to 12 on average and he has alot of the time gone over the 12 hours. When i do manage to get any from him it's always after he has just spent 6 hours + masturbating to his teen porn and he's ready to *@% in 5 minutes. It has gotten so bad recently that I accused him of cheating with no proof. It was wrong of me to do it i know that now as i am only pushing him further away and maybe push him into having an affair. How many times do i need to express how it makes me feel before you give up on it all. I've even said to him that i was thinking of cheating on him to get what i need sexually but i never could i want him and his attention. I really need help with this I so badly want to have a great sex life with him because i love him with all my heart but it hurts so much to know that he doesn't want to have sex with me and would rather masturbate for hours watching his teen porn everyday. It's getting me down but it's there any hope for us as talking about it not talking about it hasn't worked. I feel like I'm not wanted or loved back the way i feel about him. Please any advice i would be sincerely grateful for to help me with my problem. 😢

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-21-2015, 09:10 PM   #2
roxcyn
Veteran
(male)
 
roxcyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 468
roxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB User
Re: my fiancé won't have sex with me but masturbates daily I'm at my breaking point

Have you talked to him without being accusative or yelling? Have you let him read what you posted? How many times does he masturbate per day or week?

 
Old 04-21-2015, 09:26 PM   #3
Sparklygem
Junior Member
(female)
 
Sparklygem's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 40
Sparklygem HB User
I'm no expert but there are experts out there who can help. I do suspect this is not so much just a sex problem but also something deeper.
Is this porn addiction for him? So much so that you just can't compete? Does he not want intimacy ? Is there abuse in his past he has never dealt with? I mean it could be reasons that don't have anything to do with you. This could be a lot of things.

 
Old 04-22-2015, 01:16 AM   #4
kat73
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 8
kat73 HB User
Re: my fiancé won't have sex with me but masturbates daily I'm at my breaking point

Quote:
Originally Posted by roxcyn View Post
Have you talked to him without being accusative or yelling? Have you let him read what you posted? How many times does he masturbate per day or week?
I have spoken to him on several occasions in the past about it when both him and myself were in good moods. I even tried to discuss it last night because i had asked for sex the past 2 nights in a row but instead he masturbated to porn. I was in tears last night and he just said oh come on babe i may not have been in the mood. He masturbates at the very least once a day and can't do it without watching his porn. When we do have sex he also needs porn on. I would be to scared to show him my post.

 
Old 04-22-2015, 01:23 AM   #5
kat73
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 8
kat73 HB User
Re: my fiancé won't have sex with me but masturbates daily I'm at my breaking point

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparklygem View Post
I'm no expert but there are experts out there who can help. I do suspect this is not so much just a sex problem but also something deeper.
Is this porn addiction for him? So much so that you just can't compete? Does he not want intimacy ? Is there abuse in his past he has never dealt with? I mean it could be reasons that don't have anything to do with you. This could be a lot of things.
To answer your question yes there is abuse in his past family member and others. He has always said that he had dealt with it but maybe he hasn't. This is one of the reasons i have been patient with him because if that's what it is i don't want to cause anymore stress there as i would know he can't control it to an extent. Can you suggest what i do now knowing that he was abused. The last thing i want to do is cause him more heartache i love him and want to help however i can. Thanks

 
Old 04-22-2015, 04:36 AM   #6
Sparklygem
Junior Member
(female)
 
Sparklygem's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 40
Sparklygem HB User
He would need to work with a therapist who specializes in the this area. If he values the relationship enough to attend counseling. You should also get support from a professional too. Like a drug addict or alcoholic , he needs to understand he is going to loose you if something is not done. You would be perfectly justified to say to him. Get help or I am leaving. If you leave he can keep up his addiction till it lets him hit rock bottom. Then he will get help and your relationship can resume.

 
Old 04-22-2015, 04:54 AM   #7
roxcyn
Veteran
(male)
 
roxcyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 468
roxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB User
Re: my fiancé won't have sex with me but masturbates daily I'm at my breaking point

Have you tried couple's counseling?

 
Old 04-22-2015, 08:54 AM   #8
kat73
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 8
kat73 HB User
Re: my fiancé won't have sex with me but masturbates daily I'm at my breaking point

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparklygem View Post
He would need to work with a therapist who specializes in the this area. If he values the relationship enough to attend counseling. You should also get support from a professional too. Like a drug addict or alcoholic , he needs to understand he is going to loose you if something is not done. You would be perfectly justified to say to him. Get help or I am leaving. If you leave he can keep up his addiction till it lets him hit rock bottom. Then he will get help and your relationship can resume.
I'm just not sure i could up and leave if the abuse is the problem and if i did would he even care. I told him 2 weeks ago i was leaving and he said good and i did pack some stuff and go but i had just accused him of cheating on me. I sat in a park until 1.30 in the morning and eventually went back home.I am 42 years old and haven't been single since i was 15 years old. I am just to scared to be on my own. For the past 6 years he has also slept on the lounge very rarely does he sleep in our bed. I will definetly suggest that he see someone about his abuse. I'm just so confused i want to be supportive of him as he has been there for me over the years i feel i owe him that much but I'm sure if things don't change and i stay it will be at my own expense mentally. Thank you very much for the reply it has helped me somewhat.

 
Old 04-22-2015, 09:01 AM   #9
kat73
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 8
kat73 HB User
Re: my fiancé won't have sex with me but masturbates daily I'm at my breaking point

Quote:
Originally Posted by roxcyn View Post
Have you tried couple's counseling?
no we haven't. My therapist that i had awhile back did suggest it but i didn't follow it up. He agreed to go with me as well. I will also look into that again as i am willing to try anything to save our relationship. Thank you for the suggestion. I will definetly take it on board.

 
Old 04-22-2015, 09:31 AM   #10
rosequartz
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 11,185
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: my fiancé won't have sex with me but masturbates daily I'm at my breaking point

this isn't going to change.....why go to couples counseling......
you have a big problem, and you're not even married yet......time to walk away. Marrying him would be trading down......better to stay single!

 
Old 04-22-2015, 09:36 AM   #11
roxcyn
Veteran
(male)
 
roxcyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 468
roxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB Userroxcyn HB User
Re: my fiancé won't have sex with me but masturbates daily I'm at my breaking point

So you would throw away 8 years of a relationship? :O

Last edited by roxcyn; 04-22-2015 at 09:37 AM.

 
Old 04-22-2015, 02:41 PM   #12
kat73
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 8
kat73 HB User
Re: my fiancé won't have sex with me but masturbates daily I'm at my breaking point

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
this isn't going to change.....why go to couples counseling......
you have a big problem, and you're not even married yet......time to walk away. Marrying him would be trading down......better to stay single!
If a was to just throw the towel in what type of person would that make me? If this problem is from his abuse then i would feel just as guilty as the abuser. What he does hurts me but if i can try to understand the reason behind it at least we can give it a go to try and fix it first. He can't even sleep in our bedroom as it brings him back to a place where he thinks about his abuse. I know deep down he loves me and he does not do what he does to intentionally hurt me. I just can't walk knowing i could have done something to help first.

 
Old 04-22-2015, 02:53 PM   #13
rosequartz
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 11,185
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: my fiancé won't have sex with me but masturbates daily I'm at my breaking point

a smart one who realizes she can't fix his problems......
he isn't making an effort to change, to help himself. Staying would be beating your head against the wall.

 
Old 04-22-2015, 04:03 PM   #14
Sparklygem
Junior Member
(female)
 
Sparklygem's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 40
Sparklygem HB User
I have a psych degree. At one point I needed to work on some abuse issues myself. I used a therapist certified in EMDR. This is a highly effective and shorter term treatment modality. I would say look for one online. This is mainstream and covered by insurance. They use it for PSTD and other things. It's fantastic!
First thing. Does he love you? Second. Is he willing to get help? If he says no to either.. Get yourself in therapy to support your leaving him. You deserve a man who loves you and wants to be with you. No worries.... You will learn to be single just fine.... Get support ! You can do this

 
Old 04-23-2015, 12:32 AM   #15
kat73
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 8
kat73 HB User
Re: my fiancé won't have sex with me but masturbates daily I'm at my breaking point

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparklygem View Post
I have a psych degree. At one point I needed to work on some abuse issues myself. I used a therapist certified in EMDR. This is a highly effective and shorter term treatment modality. I would say look for one online. This is mainstream and covered by insurance. They use it for PSTD and other things. It's fantastic!
First thing. Does he love you? Second. Is he willing to get help? If he says no to either.. Get yourself in therapy to support your leaving him. You deserve a man who loves you and wants to be with you. No worries.... You will learn to be single just fine.... Get support ! You can do this
I don't doubt that he loves me. He has stuck by my side through some pretty rough times and even last week when i accused him of cheating he was angry at the time but he later had a good talk to me expressing his love and that he wouldn't stay if he didn't love me. To answer the second question he has said to me in the past that he thinks his abuse had affected him as far as getting help i did suggest it to him today that maybe he should go speak with a professional about it and tears started welling up in his eyes. So i told him to just think about it for now. I believe in my heart that he will give it a try. For the moment i suppose i will need to be more understanding and supportive of his problem. I cannot imagine my future without him in it and even if i walked tomorrow i would still encourage him to get some help of that's what he needs to do. I have only ever wanted to see him happy with what he has been through. He's not just my partner he's also my best friend and best mates don't run when things get a bit tough. I thank you for your advice i will definetly be looking for a therapist for him.

 
Closed Thread




Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:43 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2017 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!