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Transgender fantasies...should I be concerned?

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Old 11-10-2003, 07:28 PM   #1
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cnb0611 HB User
Question Transgender fantasies...should I be concerned?

Ok, I need opinions from both sides on this.
Quick relationship synopsis:I have been dating my bf for 5 years. We moved in together about a year ago and last month had a child together. He has talked about marriage but he hasn't popped the question yet-just shopped for rings.

Now here's my concern, for the last couple years he has told me about fantasies he has about dressing in drag and giving oral sex to another man or receiving anal sex from another man. When I ask him if he would want another man to give him oral sex or if he would want to give anal sex to another man he says "no way".

As far as our sex life goes, we have no problems. He has stamina and enjoys himself as do I. My understanding is most gay men cannot get off with a woman.....

I have asked him before if he has ever thought of "switching teams" and he says no. Before our child he knew I would be supportive of him no matter what even if he was gay, but he swears he is not. He says he is turned on by the domination and humilation aspects. The thought of me having girl on girl action turns him on as well....although I assume it does for most men.

I also know that he is a memeber of numerous websites that solicite other swingers and transgenders. Is this possibly just a fantasy thing or should I really be concerned? He is also heavily into pornography and most everything he downloads is oral; however, it is girl-on-guy action....

Please help....any feed back would be appreciated.

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Old 11-10-2003, 08:30 PM   #2
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Don't worry about it until it actually happens.

Anything more would be an insult to him and a problem with your trust.

Old 11-10-2003, 08:37 PM   #3
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I say that you don't need to worry about it. It sounds like a simple fantasy. I have them all the time, but I'd never risk my relationship over them. If he really loves you, and it sounds like he does, you probably have nothing to worry about.
"You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car." - Harvey Diamond

Old 11-10-2003, 08:48 PM   #4
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I have to agree with everyone else. It's good that he is honest with you about this and not hiding it. I, too, think it sounds like a simple fantasy.
Game over. I had to accept the fact that in life some women are simply better and no amount of shoes or lack of pastry or making of pies will change that. I will never be the woman with the perfect hair who can wear white and not spill on it and chair committees and write thank you notes. And I can't feel bad about that.
Carrie, ~SATC~

Old 11-11-2003, 05:02 AM   #5
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I don't think it's too uncommon for anyone to have a bisexually based fantasies from time to time, man or woman. The question is will he act on it or does he just want to keep it a fantasy. If he were to start acting on it I think it would spell nothing but trouble, but as a fantasy it should be pretty safe.

Maybe you can role play with him and cratively use some toys to help him further enjoy this fantasy and limit him from possibly wanting to take it outside your bedroom.

Old 11-11-2003, 10:51 AM   #6
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cnb0611 HB User
Originally Posted by 6foot2-190
I don't think it's too uncommon for anyone to have a bisexually based fantasies from time to time, man or woman. The question is will he act on it or does he just want to keep it a fantasy. If he were to start acting on it I think it would spell nothing but trouble, but as a fantasy it should be pretty safe.

Maybe you can role play with him and cratively use some toys to help him further enjoy this fantasy and limit him from possibly wanting to take it outside your bedroom.

Thanks for your responses....luckily so far everyone seems to be telling me exactly what I had been feeling all along. As far as using some toys, I have thought about it and we have experimented a bit. My only concern was that if he enjoyed it that might further his curiosity of the real thing.... any comments on that?

Old 11-12-2003, 04:37 AM   #7
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I think if he's the kind of guy that will take it beyond a fantasy, he's going to do it anyway, ragardless of what you do with him.

Speaking from experience as someone that has some pretty wild fantasies, I know that they will always remain fantasies for two reasons. First, if I were to ever take them to reality the potential consequences are far more damaging than I'm willing to go near. Second, I'm sure the reality could never be as fulfilling as the fantasy is. As a fantasy I'm in control of the whole scene without any baggage of the opinions and personalities of the people that would be part of the acting out of the fantasy. I want them to stay fantasies without a reality there to ruin them.

It took me many years to be comfortable sharing some fantasies with my wife for this very reason, I was afraid she would think I'm going to go out and act them out. I think I've convinced her that that's not going to be the case. But I'm one of those people that thinks things through before I do them, some people are far more compulsive and find themselves looking back saying "why did I do that?" Now that I've shared them our sex life is much more exciting and we're closer than ever.

The fact that he looks at a lot of porn and has paid for subscriptions to web sites that feed his fantasy tells me that he probably has some pretty vivid images in his mind of what his fantasy would be like. Which also means he likely could never match reality to the vividness of his fantasies. The question I have about his subscriptions is are they subscriptions to sites that help people match up, or just sites that show very graphic pictures? If he's seeking matching up, I would be very concerned, if they're just images he's probably just feeling a typical pornography addiction where no matter what you see, you always think there's something even more stimulating just a click away. Especially if he's looking for scenes to match his fantasy and he's having trouble finding enough of them.

If you don't think he's the type to take it to reality, I would still be willing to play along with him and let him have some fantasy fun with you, as long as you're ok with being part of that fantasy.

Old 11-12-2003, 03:04 PM   #8
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You know, I disagree with the others. You are obviously concerned, and that is the issue here - not whether you should be or not. It is ok to be uncomfortable with what he is doing, even if it is just a fantasy. You can't MAKE yourself be ok with something you are not ok with - my opinion is that you should address it with him and let him know how it makes you feel. I know I have fantasies of a similar nature (but involving women, obviously, because I am female). It doesn't affect my sex life at all or my relationship with my partner - but if it bothered him, I would want him to talk to me about it.

Old 11-12-2003, 10:16 PM   #9
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You have concerns.
First think and get clear to yourself what your concerns are and what your limits are for this relationship.

If you can not accept any oral or anal sex of any kind outside of your relationship make this clear.
Do not make him promise this but say something like “it would make me feel better if you could acknowledge that you understand how I feel and will respect this limit that I have for our relationship.”

You seem very open and communicative with this person and that is good.
But I think you need to talk a little more and maybe get a better understanding of where his thoughts are so that you can no and not worry so much about it.

What exactly do you mean by switching teams? What does the term mean to him?
I ask this question because you use the term gay and the term transgender.
I think the switching teams means something different when applied to each term.
And though they overlap somewhat they are for the most part very different ways of thinking and being.

If he is “into the moment” during sex and aroused by you and being with you (not thinking about other people or looking at porn) then he is attracted to women.
But even that attraction can result from two very different mindsets.
1 One mindset is the love of women… The biological attraction to the form and shape of women.
2 The other mindset that some men have is they have to be “real men” and “real men” do women. For these men they seem to be more in love with being a man then in love with women.

Now they same two mindsets can be applied to the fantasy.
3 Is the fantasy that of an attraction for the form and shape of a man a hard wired biological arousal when seeing a healthy attractive man.
4 Or is the fantasy more the fantasy of being feminine and being attractive and desirable in a feminine way. So that he is more fantasizing about being submissive or feminine then about being “with” a man.

It sounds like 1 applies most and then 4 to your situation. Try and first get and then use this information to strengthen your relationship. There can be many biological and developmental reasons for any of the 4 mindsets.

As far as role playing or using toys. It has to be something you are both comfortable with

If he enjoyed the fantasy with you that is all he would be enjoying … a fantasy with you.
It is VERY different then the REAL thing. Usually better.
Which is what 6foot2-190 was saying.

Most people are smart and can realize that fantasy is good and very different then reality, which can be very bad.
But there are a few people that play violent video games and then go out and shoot people
But most people do not.
So there is a small risk I guess. But if you know that he is logical and not impulsive or an addictive personality you should be fine.


Old 12-09-2003, 10:46 PM   #10
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Re: Transgender fantasies...should I be concerned?

Be carefull , i have a friend that married a man just like that and 4 years later she walked in early from work and found him in bed with another guy and he had her lingere and lipstick on does happen .your typical guy doesn't want the clothes too

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