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kra 06-25-2005 10:24 PM

b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
I've been with by b/f for about 3 years now. For about the last year it seems that his erections aren't that hard. It doesn't happen always but enough for it to bother me. This makes me feel really bad about myself because I feel like he's not attracted to me anymore. I've actually asked him about this and he swears that he thinks I'm beautiful and that it's not that he doesn't find me attractive. He says that guys are very "visual" and that because the "new" factor of sex in a long term relationship goes away that it is normal for sex to not be as passionate as before. Part of me feels like it is not that he's not attracted to me since he is always the one that initiates sex.

I am really concerned about this and would really appreciate any advice/opinion. Is this really normal? :confused:

Fheaven 06-26-2005 01:05 AM

Re: b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
Passion just doesn't disapear. Don't listen to that bullcrap.

P00hbear 06-26-2005 01:48 AM

Re: b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
Hi, I don't have exactly the same problem, but my husband operates differently than most men in that he needs the emotional side of things to be in order before he can be fully aroused. If things are not right, I am not in the mood, or we don't have that close connection it will not work. It used to hurt my feelings and I thought he was not attracted to me, but now I know better.

Perhaps this might be one factor, or possibly you could try some new things with him? I am not sure about the new factor or the passion wearing off, but I know new things usually help to revive things.

How good are you both at communicating needs and likes/dislikes? This is really important as well.

Perhaps try to talk to him more in depth about it and see. I know it is difficult when it feels as if he is not attracted to you but I am sure there is more to it.

Zagreus 06-26-2005 06:17 AM

Re: b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
Don't be too hard on yourself or on him. A lot of things can affect erections -- especially stress, worry, levels of tiredness. And it is true that if you've both fallen into certain patterns, you may need to shake things up a bit and get out of your routines. Routines can affect the level of erotic passion. Why don't you try initiating things? You say you rarely do. Maybe your partner needs to feel that you desire him. That might be a turn-on for him.

kra 06-26-2005 01:19 PM

Re: b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
We do talk about everything but I don't know how to especifically ask him about his erections. Our relationship is amazing in every other aspect though. One thing I should add is that even though he is 33 he has had only a couple of girlfriends. All throughout his life he's been with a lot of different women enjoying the "single life". All his friends were really surprised when they found out he finally decided to settle down and have a girlfriend. I guess because of his background, sex with him has always been with zero foreplay. I've tried to incorporate that into our sexual routine but it seems that he just wants to go straight to penetration. I really don't mind that but I guess what I'm trying to say is that he's used to a lot of variety women-wise.

It is true however, that he's been a bit stressed lately. We do have wonderful sex sometimes but it just isn't always. I don't know, maybe you guys are right and I'm being to hard on him....

vintagegirl 06-26-2005 02:24 PM

Re: b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
Does he masturbate a lot? If say, he masturbated in the a.m. and then has sex with you a few hours later, his erection may not be as strong as it would otherwise be if he'd weaned himself off of his hand for a few days.

kitkat77 06-26-2005 09:23 PM

Re: b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
[QUOTE=kra]I've been with by b/f for about 3 years now.

Part of me feels like it is not that he's not attracted to me since he is always the one that initiates sex.


This could be a BIG part of the problem, if not the problem itself.

Do you mean to say in 3 whole years you have not initiated sex even once? It is a huge turn on for many men when the woman initiates sex too!!!! Otherwise sex will become a chore for the person always stuck doing it!

I also noticed in your other post you wrote something about having a "sexual routine".... Sex should NEVER be routine! That just makes it boring, "same old same old", and yet again, like a chore. I certainly hope that when you speak of incorporating foreplay, you are including foreplay on HIM too!

I can see where the passion went - there's really no room for passion in a sexual relationship such as this. You need to stir things up girl!

If you make sex exciting for HIM, it'll be that much more exciting for YOU, and THAT'S how you bring the passion back! :bouncing:

ethera 06-26-2005 10:54 PM

Re: b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
Is he "semi-hard" during sex or just before?

In my last relationship ( which lasted about seven years ), there were often times when before sex I'd be "bony-hard", but wouldn't get swollen-bloated-hard until sex began ( i.e. oral, intercourse, frotage, etc ).

Maybe if he tries not to focus on sex outside of when you are together, maybe he will be more aroused when he is with you.

I'm 34 and I haven't been with very many people at all, but I can tell you that porn was a distraction for me, and there were times when I was more interested in it than I was in my wife.

What solved the problem for me, was avoiding the porn for a while, and re-focusing on my wife as my sex object ( and partner that is ).

kra 06-27-2005 07:13 PM

Re: b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
I have sometimes initiated sex. Very few times though. When this problem started happening it made me avoid being the one to initiate sex even more. I feel like if he is having that problem is because he's not that horny or attracted to me. So in my head I think that if he doesn't ask me for sex is because he doesn't want to have sex AT ALL. Does that make sense? I just feel like me doing that will increase the chances of him not being aroused.

Ethera, what do you mean by "if he tries not to focus on sex outside of when you are together"? If you mean porn, he doesn't look at porn that much. Actually, I think I look at porn more than he does. One thing that does happen is that when he has problems with his erections he doesn get hard until there's penetration. Why do you think this happened to you? Is it because you wouldn't be visually attracted by your partner?

ScruffyGuy 06-28-2005 07:22 AM

Re: b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
Wait a second, here...

So now you are saying that when he has these "erection problems" that you speak of, it is only during foreplay and that as soon as he penetrates you he becomes hard?

If that's the case and intercourse goes off without a hitch -- what's the problem?

Men don't need to be fully hard during foreplay -- in fact, expectations for them to be can cause a guy to worry that something is wrong when in fact nothing is. Why can't a man be soft or only slightly erect during foreplay? Foreplay can be a relaxing time -- it doesn't HAVE to result in full erections.

Is he having trouble staying hard when you are giving him oral sex? Or is it only during other forms of foreplay?

How about you provide some details as to what, exactly, happens between the two of you at various stages of your sexual activity (clinically speaking, please).

And most importantly, what is YOUR reaction when this happens? This could be a BIT part of the problem, if he detects that you are upset about this.

kra 06-28-2005 11:09 AM

Re: b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
Well, I wouldn't say that intercourse goes off without a hitch.....He does get hard when he penetrates me but we've had to stop because he starts getting soft again.
Oral sex doesn't seem to help the situation either during those times. Again, this problem doesn't ALWAYS happen but it happens quite often.
I understand that a guy doesn't need to be fully aroused during foreplay but at some point he's gotta have a full erection in order to have sex without any problems? right?

Sometimes he is so soft that he kind of has to "work" or "struggle" himself inside me and this makes me feel horrible of course. It is really hard not to take it personal. I try to play it off though and tell him that it's ok and that we can continue later. What am I supposed to do instead? Is this the wrong way of handling this situation?

In any case, we didn't have this problem before in the beginning of our relationship. And it seems to be happening more often with time.

Doesn't a guy get fully erect if he is visually turned on by his partner? (Of course, factoring out stress or side effects of medications)

ScruffyGuy 06-28-2005 02:49 PM

Re: b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
Let's assume there is nothing physically wrong here for starters.

Yes, I'd say it is the "wrong" way to handle it if you tell him that you can continue later on when he is penetrating you and not fully erect. That's only going to draw attention to what's going on. I've certainly seen LOTS of adult films wherein a guy is gripping the base of his penis to make it harder for penetration -- this isn't entirely "out there" or unexpected.

Since you say this doesn't happen all the time, but it is happening more and more, I'd strongly suspect a psychological component. Yet a physical issue is possible, too, though we can deal with that later -- getting him to see a doc is a bit of a trick.

You may want to try to change what you do sexually with him -- new places, positions, attitudes, toys, etc. I'd say ATTITUDE is most important here. Play some sexual games -- indulge some fantasies. Get him mentally stimulated at OTHER times when you are NOT having sex -- a little "dirty" talk at odd moments may get him fired up for the real thing, whenever you get around to it.

If he goes soft during intercourse, you can either let HIM withdraw or you can suggest to him that maybe the two of you want to give each other a massage for a while so you can both relax more. This doesn't END the sexual experience, it just changes the tone and direction. Ending the sex is like telling him: "Well, isn't that just great. Now you're soft and we can't have sex anymore. We may as well just stop and get to it later, if you're man enough to get another erection, that is."

Now, don't get me wrong. I KNOW you are not telling him this. But no matter how sweet you are, how gently you suggest that you can just try again later, how understanding you are about it -- THIS is what he HEARS and FEELS.

And I promise you, he's worried about you stopping him each and every time.

He may be growing bored, too -- this is common. Spice it up like I suggested with new things.

And here's something VERY important that you shouldn't EVER forget:

We are often under a whole lot of misconceptions about how we think sex SHOULD be or what it MUST be for it to be "real" or "good." The truth is, sex is NOT like in the movies, porn or Hollywood alike. REAL sex is filled with mistakes and foibles and mess and sometimes discomfort and all sorts of emotions that change each and every time.

The more pressure we put on the NOTION of what we think sex SHOULD be, the more easily we are disappointed or feel that we (or our partner) is doing something wrong.

Hey, I've had sex without ejaculation -- so what? I've enjoyed the SEX, I don't have to have an orgasm every time. But the thing is... because I DON'T CARE and have NO expectations, I DO have orgasms just fine. It is only rare occurrences if I do not -- but the key is: I do NOT let it bother me if that happens once out of a few dozen times.

That's just ONE example of how things go wrong during sex. There are a million ways things can NOT turn out as we might hope. There are very few ladies out there who have NOT stopped a partner to mutter: "Honey, you're on my hair..."

I DO think that maybe you are worried a bit too much about this, but there is valid cause for concern -- just not YET. My ultimate suggestion to you is to simply NOT worry anymore. Let the sex just be WHATEVER IT HAPPENS TO BE. Give that some time. When HE picks up on the fact that you are NOT concerned anymore... I'm betting his erections don't suffer so much. But don't rush it -- it won't happen overnight.

And finally, another good suggestion: have some sex that is NOT really sex at all. Suggest to him (after a week or two passes, so he doesn't suspect your suggestion is related to his "problem") that you want to spend a few evenings NOT making love, but doing OTHER sensual things together. Tell him that YOU do not want intercourse. Tell him you want to share massages. Tell him you want to take a shower together. Tell him you want to lay next to each other and just hug and touch for a while. During these times, whether he gets an erection or not, let him know that you enjoy and appreciate his penis -- even when he's soft. This will take away a LOT of burden for him if he happens to feel that you only desire his penis when he's erect.

I am not a guy who gets erect instantly. Not that it takes me a long time, but I generally like a few minutes at the very least of direct genital stimulation. I also ENJOY the feeling of a partner MAKING me erect. I've had a few partners who have no patience at all, fully expecting me to be erect IMMEDIATELY and who OBVIOUSLY become frustrated if they have to actually WORK for a few minutes to get me aroused. I HATE THIS -- and every now and then, I get so annoyed that I do NOT get erect at all.

You get the picture here. This is NOT your fault and it may not be HIS fault, either. It sounds to me like a pretty normal occurrence and that maybe you are either having higher expectations based on your early sex life with him, or that you simply don't have an awful lot of experience with male equipment in all its various stages and forms. And that's OK -- just be open to WHATEVER and he'll pick up on the fact that you are cool with whatever goes on.

Finally... this happens to many guys at SOME point in their life. Usually it lasts a few months or whatever until some stress is relieved, whatever the cause may be. If it continues for a LONG time... you'll need to have him see a doc just to be sure there's no physical aspect at play here. You can do that NOW, of course... but this might freak him out even more. If I were you, I'd wait out the summer and see how it goes, provided you take some of the advice offered here and do what you can to help him, mostly without him knowing that you are doing it!

Best of luck to you.

ethera 06-28-2005 02:50 PM

Re: b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
[QUOTE=kra]Ethera, what do you mean by "if he tries not to focus on sex outside of when you are together"? If you mean porn, he doesn't look at porn that much. Actually, I think I look at porn more than he does. One thing that does happen is that when he has problems with his erections he doesn get hard until there's penetration. Why do you think this happened to you? Is it because you wouldn't be visually attracted by your partner?[/QUOTE]

I think I just needed time to let desire build again. If going for repetition, or marathon sex, the semi-hard-ons before penetration are to be expected, because the male is becoming overstimulated ( although there is great variation in male condition ).

Yes, I mean porn, wandering eyes, actively seeking out people to look at for pleasure, or otherwise seeking sexual stimulation outside of your partnership ( including masturbation ).

For me, porn and noticing other women became a distraction, even though I was very physically attracted to my wife ( the way she looked, her voice, her shape, the way her skin felt, her scent, her taste ).

I still thought and knew my wife was visually attractive, but people do get comfortable with each other.

My wife was not as "strange" to me as when we first got together. This is a good thing because although I found my wife very exciting when we first met, sex was more enjoyable after we'd been together for a bit of time ( the first time was unreal, I couldn't believe it was happening; I just wanted to do it and be able to say I did it. I was so nervous and excited I hardly felt anything ).

If your partner is fatigued, give him a chance to rest and relax. Be near him, be close to him sometimes when he is resting. Don't try initiating anything, just let him relax.

Now if he wants to be alone that way, I'd consider seeing a counselor. You said that he has a varied and lengthy sexual history. You must be really hot, really special if he decided to settle down with you. Don't worry too much about him; it's not your fault. If he doesn't snap out of it, see a counselor.

He could be fatigued, over stimulated, or not eating enough. Is he dieting or missing meals?

ScruffyGuy 06-28-2005 02:58 PM

Re: b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
PS: I forgot to answer the last question you posed regarding if a man is supposed to get erect when he's visually turned on by his partner...

No, not always. But, yes -- many times we do.

However, the LACK of an erection JUST from visual cues means NOTHING at all.

Some of us men can be aroused in MANY ways -- don't forget that.

Some guys are mentally erect when they see something they sexually admire. And don't forget the EMOTIONAL connection and arousal, too. Our penises do not ALWAYS react to that -- but our hearts DO.

And, of course, a guy wants to feel NEEDED and desired, too. Do YOU get aroused EVERY single time you look at HIM? I doubt it -- and that's perfectly normal.

Don't lose sight of the forest for the trees, here -- this is not something that has ONE specific answer -- this is a situation that requires patience, practice and perception.

ksaguy 06-28-2005 04:02 PM

Re: b/f doesn't seem to be aroused
well i guess he has some tension in his had. it could be anything. i guess it would be alot better if you could ask him if theres anything that actually bothers him? and dont let him feel like you dont find yourself attractive and partially blames yourself. it would turn him down even more i guess. or you could just do some stuff he really likes and enjoys. like a dress or something.

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