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not sure what I am

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Old 10-21-2005, 10:46 AM   #1
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underthebrdwalk HB User
not sure what I am


I just want to lay it all out here. I'm a 33yo male, who's never had a serious relationship with anyone, still a virgin, was sexually-abused by my older gay brother when I was 7 (10 year difference in our ages), and I've suffered from bouts of depression for as long as I can remember.

here's the deal. I notice and look at women all the time and will think and feel that they're sexy or pretty, etc. but the moment I think of ME being with these women (romantically, sexually, or in any manner)...there's just nothing there. there's like a void. in fact, it sometimes makes me feel pain in my heart or depressed. it also makes me feel like a wimp, like I'm not a "real man".

now, I never look at men that way. I mean I know a good-looking dude when I see one, you know, just normal standards of what is handsome, etc. BUT- there are times when I think about being close to a man. not just sexually, but as really close companions. doing things together, being close, even being affectionate and flirty. this type of fantasy and thinking makes me feel good...but also confused, guilty, and not very masculine.

whenever I fantasize and masturbate, women are normally involved. but it's never ME having sex with these women, it's always some faceless, anonymous man. but I do get off on this fantasy. perhaps I connect with the women in these fantasies, and their passive position (so to speak)?

The thing is I don't know if I'm gay, straight, or bi? I tell myself that there is nothing black & white about human sexuality, but this doesn't make me any feel better. it certainly doesn't give me any clarity or strength.

I'm not sure if I should look into a psychologist? can they really help in this area?


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Old 10-21-2005, 12:08 PM   #2
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itsjustmeLR HB User
Re: not sure what I am

First of all, I do think you should consider seeing a psychologist because sexual abuse can have many complicated emotional ramifications.

Personally, I think you are straight. I don't want to put words in your mouth but this is my perception of the situatuation. I hope you don't find anything I say offensive as I certainly don't mean it that way.
I think you feel void, depressed, and wimpy when you think of being with a woman romantically because you feel like the fact that you were sexually abused by a male makes you less of a man? You may feel like a woman wouldn't want to be with a man who has been sexual with another man? You may feel as though you are somehow damaged by the abuse and you can't offer a woman all that she would want? You may feel like your sexuality or ability to be intimate with a woman has been tarnished by the abuse? None of these things are true. You were 7- it wasn't your choice so you have no reason to be ashamed. Any woman worth being in a relationship with would understand that.

As for your feelings toward men I think this isa reaction to your feelings about your brother. I think you did/do love your brother and you wanted to be close to him (not romantically) . I think you feel the need to be shown love by a male. (a brother that much older can be almost like a father figure) But, I think you are, for lack of a better word, confused because your brother broke the boundries of brotherly love and romantic love. Because of this you have difficulty interpreting what is a need for brotherly love/ friendship and what is a need for romantic love/ relationship.

Im sure I didn't explain myself well but mabey something i said was helpful. Like i said, its a very complicated situation that I think would benifit form seeling a psycolgist. I won't be able to respond until Sunday but feel free to ask any questions that my post may have brought up.

Old 10-21-2005, 03:02 PM   #3
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Re: not sure what I am

I also think you would benefit from some counselling. What happened to you at that age surely had an effect on how your view your sexuality and potential relationships with men and women.

Old 10-22-2005, 08:16 AM   #4
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Re: not sure what I am

First of all may I tell you how sorry I am that you had to endure such a terrible thing, have you ever talked with anyone about this(parents, clergy, doctor)?

I too think you should get some professional help to cope with this ordeal-- The best of luck to you and keep us informed!!

Old 10-23-2005, 03:25 PM   #5
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redsoxgirl2418 HB Userredsoxgirl2418 HB User
Re: not sure what I am

I'm so sorry that you had to deal with such a horrible form of abuse. (not that any abuse isn't bad, but this really broke my heart for some reason)

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Anyone who went through what you did would have some sort of issues with sexuality--not orientation specifically, but just closeness, etc. While I am not a psychologist or anything close to one, I think that the way you have realized your thoughts and tried to understand and pinpoint things in your personality/imagination that aren't what they should be, will make you someone who truly can be helped by seeking some help. I strongly urge you to do that, I think it would help many aspects of your life.

So many people who have been abused are unable to deal with it and fix it, and fall into a trap of continuing it with their own children or other people in their lives. It seems like you have come to terms with your abuse in a way that this won't happen, and that's very admirable. But still, I think that finding a counselor or someone you can sort this all out with will be a great help to you.

Best of luck.

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