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ladyfairhair 08-30-2007 12:43 AM

Dont know what to do.
Well here goes try to make this short. I just turned 40- and I have turned some kind of sexual corner so to speak - whatever it is I dunno but I have found that I can acheive multiple orgasms in a matter of say 15 mins. Ok this is really embarrassign but I need help. Anyway with that being said- I have no one to share this with- my husband of 17 years hasnt wanted sex or kissing -nadda for about 8 years of our marriage. I am quite attracive( so people say) curvy lady - I mean nothings wrong with me physically - I dont know why but we havent been into each other for quite sometime but make good friends. Anyway the problem is I want sex SO bad I can hardly stand it. I really dont know what to do. Now that I seem to be in some kind of sexual prime or something I cant do anything about it. I was NEVER able to do that when we had sex before- we were married very young. I mean I can do what I need to for myself -so thats at least something nice. I recently found out that he has had a love affair online for YEARS - love you- I love you too kinda stuff- I read part of an email so I know its true. Anyway I am furious and heartbroken all at the same time and I dont know what to do. Yes we have talked - communication is terrible - he just lies so that gets us no where- yes, talked about counceling he says go if you want to- plus counce(gosh I spaced on how to spell counceling that doesnt look right) ling... I feel wont help if he isnt honest and lies through the appointment then whats the point?? HAS ANYONE been through anything like this- or anyone have any advise or idea what they MIGHT do in this situation? Please help. Thanks for reading. Lady fair hair

thaliak 08-30-2007 07:09 AM

Re: Dont know what to do.
Lady fair hair hi!
Congratulations! You seem to have reached your sexual prime at last! It happens to ....the best of us!!!:D
Now the nasty part is that you have no one to share it. And the even nastier part is that you
a. have no communication to speak of with your husband and
b. no sexual intimacy.
My question is, [B]what other things [/B]do you share that are so strong to hold this relationship together for so long? If you can list those things which still hold true and you still want to be married to this man, I would suggest you find sexual relief alone! A lot of people do...and have reached an equilibrium...and a compromise.
If you cannot list many things that hold you together, then the answer is easy. Find the strength to look honestly at the relationship, try to salvage it by stating you needs and demanding that they be met and if you cannot, then look elsewhere , first for emotional support and secondly for sexual enjoyment and intimacy....;)
God bless:angel:

coty 08-30-2007 05:52 PM

Re: Dont know what to do.
I agrere with Thaliak. He is not into you and not willing to work into your marriage by talking nor going to counseling. Do you want to be involved in a relationship like that?

ladyfairhair 09-02-2007 01:35 AM

Re: Dont know what to do.
Well of course its complicated - would be really hard to leave. I wonder if I am the only one in the entire world that has this type of situation? Maybe everyone else would leave their spouse because of no sex?

Music4All 09-02-2007 02:59 AM

Re: Dont know what to do.
[QUOTE=ladyfairhair;3188231]Well of course its complicated - would be really hard to leave. I wonder if I am the only one in the entire world that has this type of situation? Maybe everyone else would leave their spouse because of no sex?[/QUOTE]

I think it is the cheating and lying and general lack of respect that they would leave him for, not necessarily the lack of sex.

coty 09-02-2007 11:56 AM

Re: Dont know what to do.
I love mine to death and I would never leave him because of lack of sex. Now if he never ever touches me anymore, hugs me, nor kisses me, there I have a problem with him, since for me those are demonstrations of love.
Plus if I find that he is having an affair (even virtual) and he denies it when confronted, then my rust in him would be destroyed, and I cannot have a relationship if there is no trust.

ladyfairhair 09-03-2007 05:46 AM

Re: Dont know what to do.
Thanks for the replies to this- thanks very much.
Yeah I would agree (obviously) that no sex isnt a reason to leave as I am still here. But you are right about the lying and cheating part. Thats what hurts the most. I feel like I am in a box and have no real good options here. He is not the person I though the was and thats really heartbreaking. I just cant believe he would act this way. I would agree that hugs and kisses etc ...all are a sign that he loves me- so I guess he doesnt - what other conclusion would I come to? This really sucks. I like the marriage part but I guess not my partner.

Heres another thing. WHY, does he say that he doesnt want a divorce, says he doesnt want to "BE with her" and they just write to each other. Well I dont believe it because I cant trust anything he says anyway.

I guess the reason that I stay with him is that everything else in the relationship is OK. Hes a GOOD father, provides everything we need ( I am not sayign $$ wise- we are ave in that dept) I mean stability in the home for my SON - hes the one I am most concerned about and I DONT want to mess thigns up for him. Our environment is very secure and safe for him- we dont fight, nothing is the matter -its just the loving thing. So do I give up being loved - in love - intimacy- etc etc? Or leave when my sons 18 and settled and say SEEYAA!! Dont let the door hit ya in the *** on the way out!

AM I settling - or should I say I am lucky for what I have? I mean I know someone cant figure out what I should do with my life... I am just confused. I am a level headed person but I guess maybe when its in your OWN back yard a person can get very foggy headed. Im wondering if anyone has been thru this before or anything like this????

Thanks for any help I really appreciate it so much!

coty 09-03-2007 12:32 PM

Re: Dont know what to do.
I understand it is a very complex situation, and I have not been through anything of the like, but I can see why it is not an easy choice to take.
I guess you have to put everything in perspective and see what do you rather. Many times kids do not take divorce or separation as hard as we think, but only you know your son, so I don't know what would happen in your case. I can say that my parents were separated for 2 years when I was 12 and I was rather happy because they both were doing better, so it was more peaceful.
The fact that you separate does not imply that your son never sees him again. I'd see my dad every day when they were not together.

How long will be until your boy is 18? do you feel that you want to wait that long?

keyer 09-03-2007 06:08 PM

Re: Dont know what to do.
If there is no honesty in communication you have nothing,if he isnt willing to try counseling he isnt willing to admit that both of you have the problem,you can not change what another does not acknowledge.

Starting over its not an easy decision far from easy but at some point you have to think about you and your future

ladyfairhair 09-04-2007 11:49 AM

Re: Dont know what to do.
HI Coty thanks for reply- yes I see what you mean and yes its true- its not like he wouldnt ever see him again. I guess its hard to describe how it is around here - I dont think it would be better because everything fine and as far as he knows - nothings wrong. But I can see how in certain situations... I think it would be best for a couple to divorce or seperate if there is a tension or fighting or whatever that makes the living situation hard to deal with. And I agree - not all kids have that difficult of a time with it. Im probably going over what happened to me and how I felt about my parents divorce. But hey I turned out alright! Ha! :D He just turned 17 so I guess thats another factor that I really dont have that long to deal with hub and this mess. He is a senior and doing his senior year in a accelerated program (comm college) so that when he graduates he will have a two year degree as well. Then he will go to a University somewhere for the rest- so I can wait I suppose. The more I think about it, and the more I see how it doesnt have to be this way- I think Im going to leave. I dont have any worries about finding someone else- as I didnt have any trouble when I was single. Who knows maybe a whole new life? Maybe someone to truley be in love with and who loves me? Honesty and communication. Now THAT would be nice. :rolleyes:

Hi Keyer-- Thanks for the reply- Appreciate it alot. I agree- without honesty and communication there is nothing, and we have neither. I dont understand why he wont talk about it. I dont think he would go to counceling either because he probably doesnt want to let someone else know what he has done and continues to do. He knows its not right but doesnt care enough to change what hes doing. I have learned one thing from all this -- that I cant change his mind or really know what another is thinking - ever- as much as I think I know someone... and I really thought I knew him- we were such good friends- eyons ago. I cant control what he will do with this whole situation and have to just let- it- go. I am not in love with him so when the time comes, that will make things much easier to move on. Also, from a males perspective, why do you think ( if you have any idea ) he wont talk to me about any of this? OPen of course to females perspective too-

Thanks -I really appreciate any input, advise, experience etc that anyone can share.


coty 09-04-2007 08:56 PM

Re: Dont know what to do.
My mom and dad are sill together, sometimes I wish she would leave. Of course it is your call when you decide to leave or if you decide to stay, but I've seen my mom longing to be truely loved. My dad is a good man, and she loves him, but it is not an 'in love' relationship anymore, and I feel very sad seing her not getting what she deserves, which is someone that is madly in love with her.
Think about it, it is entirely your desition.

ladyfairhair 09-05-2007 12:46 AM

Re: Dont know what to do.
That sure sounds familiar Coty- I feel like yes he is good in certain ways, I guess thats just not enough though. I would love to have that In love relationship and sometimes I weonder if its possible. We have been married a very long time ( well I guess todays standard anyway) it will be 17 years in a couple of months. We were so young and I wonder if that has a lot to do with it. Can I ask how long your parents have been married? I am assuming its been a long time. And if your moms not in love with him... does he feel the same? I guess when you are with someone that long (like your parents) it gets to be like your lives are so intertwined with each other and breaking it off gets to be so tough.

You are crazy about your husband... I have never been in love- I had two "boyfriends" before him - one was one year long - next was 3 years and the next my husband of 17 years. I dont think I expored enough and I married a friend. Like I said I dont know what being in love with someone is...or at least CRAZy about someone that is crazy about you BACK>>>> Is that even possible? Well duh - if course it does. I think that must be incredible! Thats wonderful what you have with your husband. Of course there are up and downs and all that... but you have a certain LOVE basis to go back to...?? I know marriage is never perfect but you have that. I liked my boyfriends too before but I wasnt really crazy about them.

Anyway thanks alot for reading I appreciate your ideas.

thaliak 09-05-2007 05:32 AM

Re: Dont know what to do.
Hi,Lady Fair Hair,
I am writing again because obviously you have started to make some decisions here.
So, that is good. But I wanted to remind you of some truths which we all forget when we are in long term relationships: We tend to have very high expectations of what the grass looks like on the other side of the fence..
( Personally I prefer the devil I know...)
You say: " I dont know what being in love with someone is...or at least CRAZy about someone that is crazy about you BACK>>>> Is that even possible?" Of course it is possible but do you think it lasts?
I may sound pessimistic, but I have been around long enough, I am 46, to know that this notion of being madly in love, exists mostly in women's fantacies...
I know you can find it, and I have, and it is really beautiful when it happens. But, Alas, it doesn't last.....!!! [B]Not because there is something wrong with the relationship, but only because it grows and matures and changes and so do people... [/B]So to expect that you will find what you are looking for and live happily ever after should remind you of your teenage dreams and not of real life and real people.
I thought I should mention this. Please forgive me if I am putting the lid on your excitement....:)

ladyfairhair 09-05-2007 09:13 AM

Re: Dont know what to do.
No No Thaliak, you didnt, thats what I am asking for. I agree TOTALLY about the grass is greener on the other side thing and I kinda sound like I am having sort of a teenage mentalitly about this whole thing. I was kinda worried about sounding like that - and it did probably come across like that. Funny that you mentioned that becuase I am fully aware of how things dont last and thats exactly why I married him. I thought that at least we are good friends and can last rather than having some kind of torrid love affair with someone that doesnt last. I thought our friendship would last the test of time and well I guess it did - at least in years- and yes we have been married long- but now that hes interested in somone else I am left here wondering wow... what did that get me?:rolleyes:Left me with as far as a relationship goes- never really having love. But I have A beautiful wonderful Son and if I had to do it all over again- I would just for that reason alone so thats the positive thing. So yeah I totally know what you mean about some fairy tale life or something - thats not what I am expecting for sure. I understand thats not reality. I am just wondering if there is a happy medium? I married him thinking that there is NO such thing as a prince charming fairly tale life and I better go with something secure and someone I truely enjoyed being around. More on the basis of good friends- and lovers- but we dont have either of those now- tells me you never know WHAT will last.

It hurts to see that hes making plans for something else and I did tell him - in no uncertain terms... that he better let me know if hes a leavin' cause I dont want to be sideswiped and suprised left to say what the ****?? To please give me fair warning-- I deserve that. He still says "no I am not going anywhere." Well then why continue to keep on with this person? I feel I have some kind of rights because I am his wife and he shouldnt be doing this... But I dont think I can control a person - and tell them what to think or how to feel. Am I right or wrong? What would you do if your husband or wife was doing this? Would you demand that they stop or else you will leave? I am wondering how people feel about that.

Thanks again for comments!! Its very helpful!

coty 09-05-2007 10:29 AM

Re: Dont know what to do.
My mom loves my dad, he loves her, but there is no communication anymore and they do not have a good relationship. I doubt they are more than friends at this point. They've been together for 30 years and I am not considering crazy sexual life here, but devotion and companionship and giving everything for each other. I would love to see the two of them having that, either together or separate, but I don't see my dad trying anymore, and my mom is giving up.

I think it is absolutely possible to be crazy about someone for a long time. I have been with the same person for 4 years now, and I am still crazy about him. I die for him to kiss me and hug me, he and I work really hard in keeping a sweet and loving relationship. We try to keep a constant flirting game, but it is again not about sex. It's about making the other person feel loved, wanted and respected. We email each other all throught the day, we leave little notes for each other in the house, we think on how to surprise each other quite often. And we are honest, we don't lie to each other. I think that would terribly hurt our relationship. Because both of us have a tacit agreement of trust.
What I enjoy the most about him is the great friendship that we share, we talk about everything, we confide in each other and we seek advice in each other. When youth is gone and we finally become old, those are the things that will remain, and I think (and hope) we will always have that.

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