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How often is normal?

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Old 09-21-2007, 11:10 PM   #1
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Unhappy How often is normal?

My bf and I (mid 20's) have only been together for 3 months, although it seems like much longer. He and I spend pretty much every night together for the past month and a half. In the beginning, we had sex pretty much every time we saw each other, which was several times a week. It was great. But now, it seems like our sex life is already dwindling. We only have sex before bed, and it just seems we are going longer and longer without it. It's now been nearly 2 weeks (granted, I did have my period for about 5 days of it). It's really bothering me. I will hint to him by saying things or even physically hint to him, but he doesn't seem to get it, or he just ignores it. I know that in past relationships he hasn't had a lot of sex because one of his gf's was a virgin, and the other just un-interested in sex. But he and I have talked at the beginning of our relationship about how much was a satisfying amount. We both agreed that about every other night or so would be good. I've told him that I've had sexually uncomfortable relationships in the past (meaning we rarely had sex, and it finally got to the point of uncomfortable to actually do it), and I told him I NEVER wanna have a relationship like that again. I said I want to always have a healthy sex life with him, and he agreed. But now, that seems to be changing.

Then, the other day he told me we were out of condoms. I never went to the store to buy any, so we didn't have sex. Yesterday, I found 5 leftover condoms under the cabinet (where they always are). I told him we did have some left, and he said he didn't know that because he saw the empty box (which was true).

So, Im just wondering what could be going on? Does he just not have a high sex drive? He really seemed to at first, and it seems to early for us to be dwindling already. It's really bothering and hurting me. I don't want to have another sexually incompetent relationship. I'm scared that if our sex life doesn't change/improve, it'll put our GREAT relationship at risk.

Just to clarify a few things, no, he's not cheating on me. I know that.
We have a great relationship. Get along great. Don't fight, etc.
Although sometimes I get self conscious, I don't think it's because he's not attracted to me anymore. He calls me beautiful pretty much every day, and he always comments on things like my legs (I often wear skirts), and he'll say things like "I just wanna kiss those legs" and "look at those legs" etc.
When we do have sex we both thoroughly enjoy ourselves.
And he is sexually experienced, so it's nothing new to him.

So, I'm totally confused. I sometimes end up going to bed with the hope of having sex, only to find out he's passed out in a few minutes. Occasionally I end up getting out of bed upset and not going to sleep with him right away. Is it possible that he's just used to not having a lot of sex in relationships?

Any input/advice would be great.

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Old 09-29-2007, 02:47 PM   #2
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: New England
Posts: 86
Amontillado HB User
Re: How often is normal?

No answers, and it's been a few days. Well, it's a tough question without knowing the two of you.

It's difficult to do, but I think the only thing to do is talk about this. Otherwise you're just going to get unhappier until the day you walk out. It doesn't have to be an accusation, more something like "Sex with you has always been great, but we aren't having much of it lately. And doing that with you is part of loving you, for me."

It might not be easy for him to talk, but it's important. Of course, he might say that now that you're setled, he doesn't feel so much of an urge, that there has to be an element of seduction, or tension, or something, and he can't make it part of a routine of living together. If he can't get out of that mode, then at least you'd know how things are and you can decide what to do. You might suggest couples counseling. It would cost money and be embarrassing, but it could be worth it.

That line "I'm scared that if our sex life doesn't change/improve, it'll put our GREAT relationship at risk" says it in a positive way. That's good.

Old 10-01-2007, 03:11 AM   #3
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Norfolk, UK
Posts: 481
Willapp HB User
Re: How often is normal?

I think the worst thing for guys (and probably girls too) is having a "routine" for sex. Sometimes it just happens because of convenience or habit - e.g. he comes over to your place in the evening, you watch some TV and then straight to bed for sex.

In these situations I know it's easy for men to lose the urge just because the whole thing is familiar. You say you've tried initiating things, but how about making it sometime/place where you've never had sex before? Also perhaps you're being too subtle with the hints - I know a lot of men like it spelled out sometimes (not always obviously), but you could try saying "I want you right now" and see how he reacts!?

Other than that, I guess you just need to talk it out and see if there's maybe another reason for it.

Old 10-02-2007, 04:24 PM   #4
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 223
Bluesy HB User
Re: How often is normal?

It sounds like the two of you are too comfortable with each other. Maybe spend a few nights a week apart and don't stay over so much. Maybe buy some new outfits to spice things up. It's just a thought.

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