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I may lose everything (but don't know how to stop it)

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Old 01-10-2009, 07:06 AM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Boston, MA USA
Posts: 1
wyllard HB User
I may lose everything (but don't know how to stop it)

I've been with my girlfriend 4 years, and I want to make her my wife. Right now I'm helping to put her through medical school. She's my best friend and the most beautiful girl (inside and outside) that I've ever known, but behind closed doors, our relationship is on the brink.

When I was pursuing her in college I'd look at her and want her constantly. The sexual attraction was intense. It was a looong courtship and it honestly took a year or 2 of "I don't care about you" / "I miss you" back and forth nonsense before we finally gave in to the inevitable.

At some point along the way the physical impulse died down, but the mutual love and caring grew deeper. I've never been a hugely hormonal guy. I didn't lose my virginity till I was 19. I only did then because it was 4 days before my 20th birthday and I decided I didn't want to be a 20 year old virgin. My issue was not that I didn't attract girls, it's that no girls were good enough. Physical imperfections / flawed personalities, you name it. I had a Seinfeldian philosophy about the opposite sex. I've had ~10 sexual partners, but there are only 1 or 2 (current girlfriend included) that I've had sex with multiple times. So with my girlfriend we'd have sex, but it wasn't as frequent and inpromptu-passionate as she would have liked (I found out later).

At the base of my issues are the fact since ~15 I found my sexuality on the computer, mouse in hand (you know what in the other). I'm not proud of it, but that's how it happened. For an inquiring teenager that's where my impulses lead me.

Fast forward to my late 20's and I find I'm royally ******. I've had an addiction to online porn since 15. I've tried to stop using the computer to "get off" and it may last weeks or months, but one day I'll get an over powering urge (always when I'm alone or I see something that triggers it) and I'll need the immediate gratification that only I can provide. It doesn't help my situation that I work from home on the computer (all day every day), temptation is just around the bend. My relationship with my girlfriend of 4 years is about to end unless I can fix my sexuality.

She is the perfect girl. She can be a stubborn Irish girl, but she passed through all of my girl-hangups and she actually loved me back!

Right now we haven't had sex for 6+mo and she's really getting frustrated (me too). The problem is w/ our past history of problems - we've been to sex therapy, I've had a needle stabbed in my dick to test make sure everything "works", I've spoken to a shrink, etc. It's hard to jump-start the passion after such things. That she's stuck it out with me this long is a testament in itself.

I'm at a loss of what to do to save my relationship. She is a pure and passionate person. Even when I come on to her to try to spark SOMETHING into happening she doesn't reciprocate. As it stands I feel like she wants me to be this insatiable hornball of desire and I can't even muster up an erection without Cialis.

I'd do anything to save this relationship. It means the world to me. Sorry for the length of this post but I wanted to get it all out there. I've got to make her feel desired, I want to desire her, but it's not happening currently no matter how much I want it to.

How can I save this relationship??
She's everything to me.

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Old 01-10-2009, 10:23 AM   #2
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 43
Bluebug938 HB User
Re: I may lose everything (but don't know how to stop it)

I hope you don't mind a little advice from the female perspective...

I broke up with my ex for a similar reason than what you are describing. We had everything a good relationship should have except our sex life SUCKED because he was addicted to porn. The one major difference was he didn't do anything to try to fix it. So I think that your efforts mean a lot, and hopefully your lady sees that and appreciates it.

I think you should continue to see a therapist about this. And in order to experience any relief you have to be completely honest about your problems with your therapist and continue to see them for a long time, not just once or twice. Make sure it is someone who understands this problem for what it is and that they don't just make you feel guilty or shame you for your behavior- it is a true addiction.

I think you also are gonna have to quit cold turkey. No more porn. Learn your triggers and then avoid exposing yourself to them. Just like a smoker or drug addict has to lean to overcome their addiction so do you. You can't do it, ever again. Doing it even once is extremely harmful to your recovery. Just like how an alcoholic needs to understand they can't ever have a drink again, not even a glass of champagne on new years, you need to understand that you can't ever look at porn again, for you it is just too destructive.

You also need to have an open and honest conversation with your lady. Tell her what is going on with you and try to work out a way for each of you to find a happy place in this relationship. You might have to agree to somethings that are less than desirable for you but if you really want to save your relationship that is what you are going to have to do.

Also just a tiny bit of insight for you. When my ex used to make advances on me towards the end of our relationship I used to turn him down and make excuses not to have sex with him because I just got so skeeved out by his behavior in the bedroom. It was nothing he was aware of but once I figured out his problem I realized he wanted me to behave like the women do in porn, and was acting like the men do- there was no real connection there. It is hard to describe...he wanted things to switch up very quickly and would got bored of a position almost was as if he was used to the instant gratification and variety of porn...I imagined him click, click, clicking on the images in his brain and his frustration with my slower pace was obvious to me. So perhaps you also are doping things that turn your GF off...something to think about...Also I am not anti porn AT ALL I just know from my experience that it is toxic and addictive to a certain type of person.

Good Luck!

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