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Soodle 11-10-2010 12:30 AM

Wife selfish in bed
Let me start by saying me and my wife are very much in love, have been married for many years and have kids and a great life. Trouble is, though we have a good sex life as we appear to be a good fit (so to speak) in the years and years of our relationship I cannot think of a single occasion where she has initiated sex. Not once has she given me oral without me having to ask (and she doesn't mind this act and is very good at it). It's just like all she cares about is her pleasure. Because i know her body I can make her orgasm easily - often 2-3 times, sometimes 4, 5 or six times, especially by hand. Then having had so much fun (and I must admit for me the large part of sex is hearing her orgasm which I love) she then does the quickest thing she can think of - and often the least imaginative to quickly bring me off. She seems to care little whether I get much out of the experience. It's not like we haven't done stuff out of the ordinary but again it's always me who has to make it happen and quite frankly it makes me feel like some creep pressuring her into stuff (even though she gets off on it). The fact that she's so good in bed still means I enjoy making love to her and we both fancy each other like mad but I just wish she'd be pro-active sometimes rather than me always feeling like I have to beg her for sex. Never ever in our whole married life being given a blow job without asking her for it? Even when I go down on her I have to initiate it. Am I just being a winey miserable guy or is this normal. All my mates talk about how their wives treat them to exotic acts on their birthday (I won't go into details) and yet I know her waking me with a blowjob is something that's just not going to happen.

Sad things is we've talked this over a hundred times. We are generally very, very happy together but I've said - just trying to be honest - that despite being beautiful and great in bed, she can be a very selfish lover. She usually just gets agressive and says "okay you've made your point," and then nothing changes for the next year, and the next. Sorry for droning on. Just seems we have a good physical relationship that could be outstanding if only she put some effort in, and like I say I spend far more time pleasuring her than the other way around.

Paul61 11-10-2010 08:23 AM

Re: Wife selfish in bed
I could have written something very similar myself. I don't have any advice for you. You're not alone.

Mary83 11-10-2010 06:03 PM

Re: Wife selfish in bed
From a woman's perspective, let me ask you this... have you ever pleasured her and not gotten any yourself? I ask because it seems there is a double standard when it comes to sex with men and women. Men except to be pleasured and then not have to return anything, but how often do women get pleasured without returning the favor?

From the other point of view, I have and do pleasure my boyfriend with oral sex or my hand out of the blue without expecting anything in return. However, there have been times where I've gotten a bit resentful over it because he will ask or expect me to do it, and I'm left there thinking "wait a minute, how many times have you gotten me off and then just it at that?!?". The answer to that is zero. I'd say 90% of the time, if I'm going to get him off, I will want it for myself as well. I don't look at that selfish. Getting him off really puts me in the mood, so why would I not want that for myself as well either before or after him?

Although I do think it's a little odd that your wife has NEVER done it for just you, but I wouldn't really call it selfish... maybe look at it from the other perspective and think about how often you'd like to get her off and then just leave it at that... I'm guessing not very often. I know I'm coming off as though I'm saying she shouldn't or shouldn't have to pleasure you, because I think it is something nice to do from time to time, and it can be fun, but I just want you to look at things from another perspective.

StenoLady1 11-11-2010 07:07 AM

Re: Wife selfish in bed
I believe Soodle's problems are his wife never initiates; and Soodle takes his time doing various things to pleasure his wife, but when it's "his turn," she just takes the quickest/easiest route to return the pleasure. I don't think -- maybe I'm wrong -- that the problem is such that he pleasures her and then she doesn't return the favor.

Soodle, is it possible your wife isn't into such long sessions? What happens if you just pleasure her once and then allow her to return the favor instead of bringing her to orgasm so many times in one session? My guess is she's exhausted after so many orgasms in such a short amount of time and probably just wants to pass out. And she probably doesn't initiate because after taking care of her husband, her kids, her house, a job outside the home if she has one, if sex means an hour or more of hand/blow jobs in addition to intercourse, well, that's often seen as another chore by some ladies. I'm not saying it's justified or not. Just that sometimes a quickie would really be better.

Are your lovemaking sessions usually an hour or more? Do they always include all the extras (hands, oral, multiple orgasms, something "out of the ordinary," intercourse, etc.)? If so, you might want to simplify it a little and see how it goes.

I'm saying this as a married woman of 12 years. If sex with my husband at this point in our lives always had to be an "event" involving half a dozen orgasms between the two of us and all the stuff you described in your original post, I probably wouldn't initiate very much either. Not saying those kinds of sessions wouldn't be fun every once in a while, but if that's your regular routine at y'all's ages, I bet she's seeing sex as a chore.

StealthySandwch 08-26-2011 03:45 PM

Re: Wife selfish in bed
I feel for you on this Soodle. I have only been married for two months, but in that time I have had nearly the exact same situation arise which is why I find myself here looking for answers. My wife and I are best friends, and when we were dating and even while engaged, she often initiated things and made it all seem so exciting. However as our relationship has gone on, more and more I find the physical part to be lacking... sometimes it seems as if she is just stringing me along now.

I know what you mean when you say it feels sleazy to ask for it. My wife has told me that she does not mind doing things and just to "let her know when" I want something. But is still feels wrong to have to ask for sex every time I want it. And even oftentimes when I do ask, nothing happens unless she gets it first at which point she is usually done and wants to do something else. I have even asked if I she could please me first, but she doesn't like the thought of this and as of now it has not happened, so most of the time I please her and that ends the night.

And now it seems as if it is getting into more aspects of the relationship where I have to ask her even just to rub my arm or leg. She always likes when I give her back/leg/foot/arm rubs, but rarely returns the favor unless asked to. In fact, I can remember only four times she has done it of her own accord.

She knows that I love her for so much more than the physical aspect of the relationship (for example, circumstances made it impossible for us to make love during our honeymoon and first few weeks of marriage). I just hate having to ask all the time, and even when she does agree to do things, often times I give her pleasure and when it gets to my turn, she decides she would rather play around on the computer or watch tv. It just gets so frustrating when I get turned on, only to get turned down.

We have a very open communication in our relationship. I have told her things I thought I would never tell another soul. She knows all my fantasies and I hers. We have no secrets from one another as we are best friends and lovers (sometimes... lol ). We have talked about it many times, yet every time I seem to be frustrated with the situation and she asks why I am, it seems as if she forgot the last dozen or so times we discussed it. And usually at this point the fun is over for the evening as she gets all self consious and moody. Even if we have a good discussion about the subject, at that point she is out of the mood and it's over.

I just tire of the lopsided physical relationship we have. I probably please her 8+ times for every one time she pleases me. it's just so frustrating to be in a loving relationship where I'm wondering if she is really in it for the love, or just for the security of being in a relationship. It often feels like she just strings me along, giving me only enough to keep me interested, but never enough to feel satisfied. She is and always will be my best friend, but it seems like she is becoming more of a roomate than a wife.

Sorry about how long this reply got. I intended only to let you know that I feel for you as I am in a similar situation, but I really just needed to get this out there.

Good luck.

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