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HELP! Worried that boyfriend/fiance is Bisexual and in Denial

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Old 03-06-2012, 05:13 PM   #1
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HELP! Worried that boyfriend/fiance is Bisexual and in Denial

My boyfriend (who I will refer to as John) of a year, who was planning to propose to me this month until I discovered something disturbing, is a very loving man who I was planning to spend the rest of my life with. He is romantic, affectionate, passionate, loving, grounded, kind and we have an incredible sex life.

Three nights ago I had a very disturbing dream out of nowhere that a friend who had passed away told me that there was something in his past that I needed to know about, and that I needed to dig to find out. It was very vivid and real. We are very open with each other, so he often leaves his ******** page open and logged in on the computer. I had NEVER snooped or felt compelled to, but this dream disturbed me to such a degree that I decided to on a whim.

I found nothing remotely out of line since we have been together, and I read some very sweet things that John has said about me to his friends and family via ******** messages. However, I found an email from three years ago that he wrote to a guy, and it was VERY explicitly sexual. It was basically asking the guy if he could keep a secret and not to tell anybody, but that he wanted to have sex with him "so bad". The guy (who is gay) responded as though he assumed it was a joke or that someone had hacked into my John's ******** and written that. I saw several other short and simple messages that the guy wrote to back to John, but they went ignored except for one where John simply asked the guy to call him. I then noticed that John had deleted him from his ******** friends.

When I confronted my boyfriend with my findings, he was obviously terrified that I was going to leave him and told me that he was going through a dark time in his life where he had just had his heart broken by an ex girlfriend and was drinking heavily, and that he had written it only to find it the following day and be freaked out by it. After some prying, he admitted that he met up with the guy one time and they kissed, but that he immediately knew it was not something he wanted and told the guy he was not gay or even bi. However, he said he did write to the guy one other time following that night they met up and kissed, but only to ignore the guy for good. He keeps telling me that he is 100% straight and has no desire to be with another man. This happened two full years before we met, but it is haunting me because I fear that he is suppressing something that could potentially come out years down the road. He keeps telling me it never will, and that he is positive he only has desire and attraction for women. He was sexually molested by an older boy in his neighborhood when he was 6 years old, and he says he believes that is where the thought stemmed from, but that he has since dealt with it. By the way, I have many gay friends and have no problem with it, but just do not want to marry a man who is not entirely heterosexual.

My girlfriends are very shocked by this and like my boyfriend very much, but are telling me I am crazy to stay with him, and that I would only be risking major heartache down the road.

One of my best friends is a gay guy, and he is telling me to not be with him because he has seen too many instances where married and "straight" men have tried to pick him up, etc.

I'm so distraught and confused despite my boyfriend's attempt to reassure me.

Any insight/advice would be immensely appreciated. I feel so shattered inside, as though the wind has been taken from my sails. It's horrible.

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Old 03-07-2012, 08:56 AM   #2
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Re: HELP! Worried that boyfriend/fiance is Bisexual and in Denial

This took place before you knew him. Based on that, how would you react if it was with a woman, the same, or differently?

If your reaction would be different, I think you need to try to understand "why". You mentioned that your current relationship, (before you found this out) was excellent, and sex was "incredible". How has this changed?

Sounds like he had some "thoughts", examined them, and then quickly dismissed them, perhaps was even embarrassed by them. I don't think that any of that should effect your current relationship.

Talk to him, let him know that these things bother you, but that you can let it go. Nothing has changed. This is his past, everyone has a past. Behonest and loving with eachother, that's the best advise I can give.

Old 03-09-2012, 01:26 PM   #3
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Re: HELP! Worried that boyfriend/fiance is Bisexual and in Denial

I agree with Tenpin. Don't throw your relationship away just yet. Talk to John about your feelings and concerns about what you've found. Tell him why it bothers you. If you are having a hard time communictaing with him on this topic maybe ask him if he would go to counseling with you. Did John ever get any therapy folling his experience as a 6 year old? Sexuality is a very difficult topic at times. This coming from a guy who's been married to someone for a few years and only recently discovered their sexual past and desires. I thinks its much easier to have the conversation before you are married. It helps avoid feelings of mistrust, jealousy etc. when you find out later.

Old 03-09-2012, 02:08 PM   #4
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Re: HELP! Worried that boyfriend/fiance is Bisexual and in Denial

you need to listen to your found something, and it is "something"'s not "nothing"
I'd hold off on marrying John for quite a don't really know him
and it sounds like he might not even know himself......

Old 04-18-2012, 08:52 AM   #5
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Re: HELP! Worried that boyfriend/fiance is Bisexual and in Denial

I don't believe you should marry John at least not any time soon. To marry a person, you should be able to accept who they are and that they have a past. It sounds to me that he had some feelings/thoughts, checked them out and made a choice based on when he was most comfortable with. Kind of like trying a new menu item and deciding they don't like the way the flavors mingle.
In my late teens and early 20's I found myself attracted to some women. I explored it to the extent I was comfortable with and decided it wasn't for me. Sure, I still find many women attractive, but that doesn't mean I feel the need to act upon that attraction any more. It's been 10 years since I kissed a girl and haven't had it effect my relationship at all. And for the record, my husband would not be comfortable with me kissing someone of either sex. He knows about my past experiences and we have reached an agreement. So just because he has had those feelings in the past, doesn't mean it has to effect your future.
Provided ones attractions are legal, I don't see why it should shape your feelings towards your partner. You are not unreasonable in deciding that you will not marry a man who acts upon any attractions towards another person. We all need to set our own standards for ourselves.
I also have to mention something, it bothered me when I read that you snooped and then shared this secret of his with so many people. I understand that it's something you have been struggling with but you betrayed his trust on many levels. He didn't come to you and openly share this item, perhaps because he felt it wasn't an issue, or perhaps he wasn't comfortable bringing it to the table. He didn't go to great lengths to hide it, but that's because he trusted you. He felt he hadn't given you reason to snoop. We all have a few things we keep closely guarded. Instead of going to him with your feelings after your dream, you snooped. Then you shared what you found with others, most likely without his consent. Now he will most likely feel uncomfortable when he is confronted with those people.
So no imo, you two shouldn't get married any time soon. You and most likely the two of you have too much to work on.

Set your standards for yourself, be clear about them, let him do the same. But stop punishing him for something that happened in his past and stop making it public knowledge in your social circle. After all, a juicy secret is more likely to be spread.

Old 05-22-2012, 02:27 PM   #6
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Re: HELP! Worried that boyfriend/fiance is Bisexual and in Denial

Hi your ? is conflicting you state you have great relationship great sex in yet due to a dream you decide to break trust and snoop on his ******** page The past is the past and if you wanted to know you should have aske him not snooped I am more curious if you are using this as a reason to end a relationship but this is not the reason
he has not changed
Your actions and now your thougths of him changed due to your action of snooping
When you thought of looking not sure you thought it through as to what you may find more importantly what you really looking for
Chat with your self

Old 05-22-2012, 03:49 PM   #7
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Re: HELP! Worried that boyfriend/fiance is Bisexual and in Denial

Let him go. He doesn't need to be punished this badly for an incident so long ago. Bad enough having you watch his every move and post but now all your friends can be "shocked" by him. Either you believe him and move on, or break up with him. Sera

Old 05-31-2012, 07:51 AM   #8
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Re: HELP! Worried that boyfriend/fiance is Bisexual and in Denial

I gotta say I'm with cera on this one. If I found a man who gave me the knd of relationship you claim the two of you have, I'd marry him in a heartbeat. He didn't do this TO YOU. In fact, it has nothing to do with you. You snooped and discovered a part of his past that isn't to your liking. If you really loved and trusted him as much as you say you do, then you would have let it go the second he told you why it happened. This guy was molested at the age of six. He obviously was left wondering if he is gay or bi because of it, and did something stupid to find out.

Look, he is with YOU. He didn't cheat on you, and you are treating him as if he did. He is being punished for something he didn't even do to you. I personally think this was none of your business. You made it your business. I think you are being punished, rightly so, for snooping around and treating him as though he were being unfaithful and flat out lying to you. I'm glad you posted this. It's really eye opening. I hopeyou see what your role in this is. He sounds like a great guy. Why don't you be the great woman he deserves?

Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-31-2012 at 03:23 PM. Reason: Unnecessary comments removed. Please remember these are support boards.

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