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After being cheated on everything changed

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Old 07-23-2012, 03:20 PM   #1
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After being cheated on everything changed

My relationship started 9 years ago. He was that great guy. Responsible single father, military man, intelligent. And he had never, ever cheated on anyone before. Until me. After what I thought was a great 5 years together, a young woman texted me that they were "hooking up". He was actually deployed at the time and she was basically letting me know that when he came home, I was history. But there was something odd about it all. She was young and the messages seemed far more aimed at trying to hurt his daughter than me, so I gave it little credibility. He was in a war zone and believe me the military makes it very clear that if you are a decent support system at all, you will suck it all up and keep any problems buried. Then, at the end of 6 years, Mr. Perfect cheated with a married woman. This one made sure I knew. Basically his reasoning was that he was never trying to build the foundation of a new relationship, just screwing. and both women just thought it was more than it was. Yes, he is that full of himself. He wasn't misleading them or manipulating them, he was just that fantastic.

I can't quiet explain the next 18 months. It felt out of body. I have so much more empathy after having gone through this. Here I was with this man that everyone thinks is perfect, and he has this dark, cruel, heartless side to him they would never suspect. It's almost like I went into "okay, I'll pretend too" mode. We were civil but non-sexual. We stayed together more out of need than anything else. We are both otherwise pretty much alone in this world, with neither of us having brothers or sisters.

Last fall he did me a big favor. He retired and formally dumped me. He no longer needed anyone to be his home support, his kids "were out of his hair" (honest to goodness, he said that in 3 different conversations and of everything he said that was the one that floored me as he truly had the perfect Dad image down pat) so he was ready to start having fun. I think the part I couldn't get my head around was that our first 4 years *WERE* so much fun. So I basically came to accept that I was scammed, used and dodged a huge bullet with his decision to dump me. I don't know how long I would have stayed in that out of body zone if he hadn't finally done me that favor. So here is why I'm posting here instead of the relationship board:

The thought of sex gags me now. I used to love sex. I loved a man's body. Even without it being perfect, I could find beauty and sexy in it. Now it just makes me nauseous. And oral? Oh no, not on your life. I actually think I would gag.

So did anyone else go through this? I am dating again and it's sooo uncomfortable. I've been out with 4 guys and they were nice enough. I warned them in advance that I was not going to jump into bed right away. So far I haven't met anyone I'd want to go to that level with, but I thought that as I started dating this feeling would pass. I actually sort of forced myself to get back out there to help move this along the path to recovery but the ick factor is as strong today as it was last November.

I'm not a kid. I don't have a lot of time. I want to have someone to share my life with and can't see that happening with the way I feel. I'm starting to wish there was a dating site for impotent men who just want a nice woman to share life with. Maybe there's a business idea for someone......

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Old 07-24-2012, 03:02 AM   #2
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Re: After being cheated on everything changed

My simple answer yes, had an abusive violent relationship where he cheated constantly but made out I was his one and we were the same andhe needed me. I once cried during sex with someone new because it felt so weird and unnatural. You need to take it slow gerty over him, rebuild your life then take the next guy you date without the shadow of your last, hard work but it can be done and the urge will come back.

Old 07-31-2012, 08:32 PM   #3
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Re: After being cheated on everything changed

You're scared of intimacy right now and that's because you've been hurt. You probably think all men are like that and you will only get hurt over and over again. If I were you I would try to get some counseling for this. Don't let what this creep did to you change who you are and make you afraid of ever being close to someone ever again. Like you said, you're not a kid so you know you'd like to find someone whom you can get serious with. Don't let him ruin that for you. See someone about this issue and take it slow with your next relationship.

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