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fights over anal sex


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Old 02-21-2013, 11:09 AM   #1
coleen7
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fights over anal sex

we keep fighting over anal sex. I like it but it makes me bleed so i'm careful. he likes it more than any other form of sex and says he needs it in order to be happy. last time he wanted to use a plug on me but it hurt me so he had to use a smaller one. he insist that i use the big one either every day or every other day on myself to stretch my rectum and he sort of coerced me into agreeing over the phone. next day we get in a fight because I hadn't done it yet. He was very disappointed and said that he tries hard to please me but i don't pay him the same honor. my question... which one of us is being selfish and unreasonable. he said he can't please the way he wants unless i do this exercise to help him.

 
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Old 02-21-2013, 01:27 PM   #2
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Talking Re: fights over anal sex


Hi Coleen7

This is a sticky problem.. which is being selfish & unreasonable?

in my own case, I have a disability, after 3 ops on my spine,

am now in Wheelchair, my legs aren't able to do what I want, they have spasms, etc.. so unable for my partner to lie on top..

when I said the only way for us to have sex would be for him to go up the back way, he thought it was abborent, resulting in no sex at all!!

We've been living together a year, and have decided giving him pleasure by manually pulling him off is the only way..which is all I can do , & he seems happy with that..

He has a medical condition himself, & " couldn't get it up " when I first met him, he's 58yrs, we tried Herbal pills but they didn't work , so me stimulating him did the trick and he was delighted after such a long time of nothing..

So I'm glad to give him this satisfaction....
I've decided to be unselfish and forgo my own pleasures, as he has given me such a lot of security, following an unhappy marriage,

So think hard Coleen, what is important to you,?
are you happy with HIM as a person, in all other aspects of your lives,?
would you do anything for him,?
do you think he's devoted enough to YOU?
I think it's really how YOU feel and what you see is going on..
I wish you the Best of Luck in this matter..:-)

Linzgirl

 
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Old 02-21-2013, 03:19 PM   #3
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Re: fights over anal sex

I personally think he is cuz why whould he want to hurt u wile ur both want to have fun that whould seam to be a turn off and lose interest if something hurts and don't feel good or don't that matter to him sounds like its all about him not about u and ur poor but that will hurt

 
Old 02-21-2013, 03:31 PM   #4
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Re: fights over anal sex

Hi, the first thing I would be worried about is the bleeding. You can get a rectal tear or what is called an anal fissure. I've had one before and let me tell you it's no picnic. I ended up having surgery on it. Mine came from having bad constipation over the years. I suffered for about 15 years thinking it was hemmoirds until I was in tears and finally went to the dr and found out what it was.

Now since the surgery in 98 I have some problems stemming from the surgery.

So just be careful with that whole thing, I don't think it's worth it. Cathy

 
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Old 02-21-2013, 04:30 PM   #5
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Re: fights over anal sex

yeah, I"m leaning a little bit towards "he is overreacting" but he is really adimate about "me not trying" I am a bit confused. It's always his way or no way. always has been. I"m just not sure how to respond to his demands. He says he works hard to please me and I do believe he does, but he works hard on what he wants me to be pleased by... if that makes any since. there is never, "did you like that?" it's always. "Oh, you liked that, I could tell." I can say, "No not really" but he doesn't seem to believe me and then if I insist that i don't like something that he wants me to like, he becomes upset and I become a villain. Or at least that is how it seems sometimes. Of course you are only getting my side of it. He told me today that our love life was one sided where he does all the effort and i just resist him. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of things.

 
Old 02-21-2013, 04:45 PM   #6
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Re: fights over anal sex

Though we are only getting your side of it, it sounds like he cares only about himself, no matter what his side is. If you are not married to this man, I would strongly suggest you get away from him, as he will only get more demanding. Bigfun is right.

Please think about a relationship with a more compassionate man.

I send you a big hug of encouragement.

Take care. You come first.

Aurelia5 (A5)

 
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Old 02-21-2013, 06:37 PM   #7
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Re: fights over anal sex

thanks all. walking away from the relationship isn't an option. Not right now anyway. He and I have a long term relationship. (longer than 12 years). lately he lost his brother and it has affected him in a really big way.... he can be selfish sometimes and he is a bit unreasonable at times. Unable to apologize usually. but traditionally even when he doesn't apologize, if he knows his behavior to be wrong he changes it. we had a fight over sex friday and another one today. I know he is on some sort of mood elevator or anti depressant since his brother died, because he told me. Sometimes when he is depressed, he chears himself up by laughing at me which is usually not a problem, but lately everything seems to lead to him laughing and then getting mad at me because i don't know him or don't understand him. I felt like he was digging for something to be disillusioned with me about and then he hangs up on me. He is being a jerk. I can't confront him right now. I just need to know if I'm being wrong because I didn't get out of bed and do as he asked when he asked. I was tired and he said that was no excuse.our fight friday affected me all weekend and now we are fighting again. I told him it affected me and he thinks I'm faking to get him off my back. He has trust issues I have always believed. He thinks women always manipulate . and he is a bit (a lot) controlling.

 
Old 02-21-2013, 07:03 PM   #8
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Re: fights over anal sex

Coleen, you are in a destructive relationship. You defend him, but want to be reassured that you aren't selfish or "bad". I could go on a rant about how it's only going to get worse, but until you decide you've had enough, you can only suffer. Hugs from friends are all nice and fine, and if that's all you need, then this board is great for that. I hear you asking for help. If you need real help, the people here can give you advice on who to see. If it was me, I'd ask my gynecologist if there is a therapist who specializes in sexual disorders, to start with. I hear you saying your fights are getting worse. This frightens me.

I sincerely hope you get help for this situation, before you get hurt more. I'll keep watching for you.

A5

 
Old 02-21-2013, 07:16 PM   #9
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Re: fights over anal sex

I agree totally, it may be hard for you to see the big picture and you've been there so long but it's actually verbal abuse borderline physical when it comes to sex.

Just think about it. I know you can't imagine not being there because its become a habit but habits can be broken, ok?

Plz keep us informed cathy

 
Old 02-21-2013, 07:42 PM   #10
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Re: fights over anal sex

I think it's an abusive relationship and that you should find a women's shelter and leave. Sorry, but that's my opinion and you asked for what we think. I will follow to see what happens.

 
Old 02-21-2013, 10:25 PM   #11
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Re: fights over anal sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Titchou View Post
I think it's an abusive relationship and that you should find a women's shelter and leave. Sorry, but that's my opinion and you asked for what we think. I will follow to see what happens.
I agree. I believe things are only going to get worse. He doesn't care that he caused you pain or made you bleed. Sex should bring both partners joy.

 
Old 02-26-2013, 06:38 PM   #12
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Re: fights over anal sex

Kick him to the curb, this is not a caring and loving man, believe me I have been in your shoes. As far as sex goes... if somethng is uncomfortable or unwanted by either partner then it doesnt happen. If he cant understand that... than have him put a plug in his bum. The guy is a major arse... dump him... fast!

 
Old 02-27-2013, 01:34 AM   #13
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Re: fights over anal sex

I would not put up with any sexual demands that are not pleasurable to me, and if they hurt me enough to bleed.. no way. No means no, each and every time.

I would also warn you about stretching your sphincter. As the others mentioned, scar tissue and not being able to retract that same muscle group can lead to a lifetime of leakage and loss of control when you get older.

I would not allow any man to guilt me into any form of sex I did not find enjoyable and painless. This sounds like a control issue that goes beyond the expression of love and intimacy to me.

Throughout our lives, we all go through times when we cannot do the things we used to. Part of a committed relationship is being willing and able to roll with those changes on both parts. Our sex lives often have to take the back seat to more important things.

I never thought at 43 that I would become completely dependent upon my husband, but he did not miss a step in keeping our relationship alive and changing the things that no longer were first priority. There are men out there who are happy to support and adapt to whatever life puts in front of us.

Just because you have said yes in the past and you have a long term relationship does not mean you have to give in here. I imagine you would soon resent his desire for you to stretch yourself out to please him, especially if you have to be reminded to do so on his terms.

I wish you well.

 
Old 02-27-2013, 11:39 AM   #14
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Re: fights over anal sex

Hi, I came of age in the sexually permissive 1960s and 1970s and have been with 200 plus women and I can tell you this.....not one woman has ever asked me to perform that act nor have I ever desired to perform it. Personally I find it perverse and it is not an act of sexual love, it is rather an act of dominance, he gives it and you take it. It reminds me of prison rape,,,,,,just my opinion.

 
Old 02-27-2013, 11:59 AM   #15
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Re: fights over anal sex

You need to ask yourself why is it that now after all these years he wants to do this? Also, if this can damage you physically and emotionally why are you allowing him to control you in this way? I don't think that it is a loving act but as lenvegas stated an act of dominance.

Just remember a controlling person becomes more controlling over time until you are no longer thinking for yourself and well-being...only their needs matter to them. Please do not lose yourself to him and put your well-being first. Stand up for yourself...he's reaction may surprise you! Suggest some other act that you find pleasurable if he's looking for variety...see if that helps.

 
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