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Delayed Ejaculation - any ideas?


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Old 12-20-2014, 11:10 AM   #1
bryanab
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Smile Delayed Ejaculation - any ideas?

Me – 53 year old very healthy. No physical problems, all tests perfect, excellent shape with good testosterone count. Was married for 22 years. Divorced for 2 years.

Have delayed ejaculation and need advice and help if you have experience here.

During my 22-year marriage I never had enough sex. I had to masturbate once or twice a week to relieve myself. However, I did not have any issues with getting erect or with ejaculating…

Towards the end I did notice that it used to take longer to ejaculate and I was never a heavy porn watcher. In addition, I can’t remember ever being able to *** from oral sex or a hand job. Most of the time I would enjoy it but needed penetration to ejaculate.

My divorce was terrible psychologically. I did request the divorce but my ex-wife is just mean and vindictive and the process has been downright hell.

Since separation I started to date women. I noticed that many times, in fact, most times I could not ejaculate. No matter how long we made love, I could not ejaculate. This may seem wonderful as I can go for almost as long as humanly possible, but it is like a curse as you never get the pleasure of *******.

I actually went through a period (post-separation) where I had difficulty getting erect and keeping an erection but that is no longer an issue anymore. I have a wonderful girlfriend for 1 year. We have sex all the time and any time I want. She treats me well and makes me feel like a man.

I am relatively convinced this is a mental thing and I just don’t know what steps to take alone and with my partner to ease back into ejaculating. It is getting easier during penetration sex, but it seems we get focused on if I *** or don’t… It is really exhausting and a bummer and frustrating. I can always ejaculate from masturbating and I don’t need to squeeze really hard, watch crazy porn.. I am pretty convinced it is somehow in my head I am not letting go, and don’t know the path to do this.

Another example is that I have shy urination. What is this? Well if there are other people in the room at a public toilet for example, as hard as I may have to urinate, it won’t come out. How did I cure this? I simply convince myself that I am in the room alone when I am in the public bathroom. If my subconscious is convinced enough – it works! I am able to pee. So in that instance it is 100% in my mind. I am amazed at how this works pretty much all the time, I simply “act” that there is no one in the room and I can pee.

I am thinking that I need something like this in order to ejaculate during intercourse or oral sex or with a hand job. My girlfriend is there to help with anything that can be practiced with a couple. Any ideas of things that have worked or can work are very appreciated. Thank you.

 
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Old 12-21-2014, 12:07 AM   #2
Thisby
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Re: Delayed Ejaculation - any ideas?

Hi bryanab,

From what you wrote, I would agree that it's probably in your head and my guess is that it's rooted somewhere in your comfort level with her and with the pressure on you now to reach orgasm. Your thoughts on trying to come up with a similar solution to your shy bladder though (pretending you're alone) might not be the ideal solution for this situation. There are two of you there, and that's the whole point, right?

I'd say try to figure out if it's your comfort level, and work on that. My guess is that that's what it is, and my prediction is that if your relationship with her is good, it'll just be a matter of time before the bumps smooth out.

For what it's worth, my experience has always been that it takes me a while to get comfortable enough with a new partner before I can orgasm. In the worst case, it took months and I finally figured out it was because the relationship was so unstable and it made me nervous and self conscious.

So get comfortable and get rid of the pressure. Pressure is always an orgasm killer.

Anyway, good luck!

 
Old 12-21-2014, 06:38 AM   #3
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Re: Delayed Ejaculation - any ideas?

Hi, I would advise you to not masturbate, perhaps your brain is hot wired to orgasm this way. Save the energy for your girlfriend and if you orgasm, great, if you do not, well that's ok too. You really want to eliminate the pressure you unconsciously give yourself so whatever happens, it's all good because you have a partner who cares about you and your situation should get better over time.

 
Old 12-23-2014, 09:43 AM   #4
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Re: Delayed Ejaculation - any ideas?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thisby View Post
Hi bryanab,

From what you wrote, I would agree that it's probably in your head and my guess is that it's rooted somewhere in your comfort level with her and with the pressure on you now to reach orgasm. Your thoughts on trying to come up with a similar solution to your shy bladder though (pretending you're alone) might not be the ideal solution for this situation. There are two of you there, and that's the whole point, right?

I'd say try to figure out if it's your comfort level, and work on that. My guess is that that's what it is, and my prediction is that if your relationship with her is good, it'll just be a matter of time before the bumps smooth out.

For what it's worth, my experience has always been that it takes me a while to get comfortable enough with a new partner before I can orgasm. In the worst case, it took months and I finally figured out it was because the relationship was so unstable and it made me nervous and self conscious.

So get comfortable and get rid of the pressure. Pressure is always an orgasm killer.

Anyway, good luck!
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I have been with my girlfriend for over 1 year and could not be more comfortable. It isn't about being comfortable with her, this is internal I am convinced.

Understanding that getting rid of the pressure is what I need so that it just flows.. but HOW do you do this? I can't just tell myself get rid of it. It doesn't work like that I am hoping someone can suggest some mode of help like self hypnosis, meditation or someone that specializes in this...

I need my subconscious to deal with this... Thanks for any additional information.

 
Old 12-23-2014, 09:46 AM   #5
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Re: Delayed Ejaculation - any ideas?

Thanks so much but this isn't what seems to work. What I am hoping for is some kind of therapy or modality that allows me to get comfortable with myself.. like self-hypnosis, meditation, or some specialist who deals with this. This is all internal and I realize this.. I can't "will" myself to let go, I need help practicing this. Thanks.

 
Old 12-23-2014, 03:24 PM   #6
Jay880
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Re: Delayed Ejaculation - any ideas?

The first thing you should do is stop masterbating in private. You obviously want sexual mental/physical stimulation that ends with an orgasm but you are less motivated to orgasm with your partner when you have an alternate outlet to rely on in private. Once you come to terms with the understanding that your only sexual gratification will be with her, you'll have that little extra motivation help you make it happen.

Another reason to stop masterbating in private is to allow your fluids/hormones to build up so you'll be at maximum arousal from a physical standpoint when you are with her. When you feel like you're going to "bust" sexually, it will be much easier to do so when you are intimate with your partner. Saving it up will make it easier - trust me.

The next step is focus on "outercourse" instead of innercourse. LOL. In other words, mutual masterbation. Take the pressure off yourself by focusing on your lady and help her achieve orgasm any way she likes that doesn't include your penis. The idea behind this is once she is satisfied, then you can give yourself permission to orgasm yourself when it's your turn. When it is your turn, simply work with what feels good and if you have to manually finish what she starts, then that's fine as long as she is present and involved.

If your issue is you can't orgasm in her presence, then try to recreate the same scenario of when you would normally masterbate in private except make sure she is there. At first, maybe she touches herself while you masterbate to your regular porn. The idea is to break the mental block that has you only climaxing in private. Once you prove to yourself it can happen....then the rest will come more easily.

The main thing is....Don't cheat yourself and sneak an orgasm without her. That's only going to set you back and keep you in the same cycle you are in now. Your mind and body will get in synch when you take away your alternate pleasure options.

Good luck!!

 
Old 12-23-2014, 03:31 PM   #7
bryanab
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Re: Delayed Ejaculation - any ideas?

Jay, thank you so much! I actually almost never masturbate in private, have done it, but it is rare because my girlfriend is always willing and able to please me, or we make love. She is so understanding and giving that she starts focusing on whether or not I orgasm.. this believe it or not adds more stress but I have explained to her just to enjoy and it either happens or it doesn't.

We have done all what you mention and I agree they make the most sense. I just seem to have hit a wall with this.

I really want to take it to the next step and I am thinking hypnosis of some kind. I know for example there are people that can actually orgasm from mental thought only. I am not looking for this, but clearly this is a mental thing.. all the plumbing seems totally fine so I want to learn how to go to the next step to unblock me. Thanks!

 
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