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Wife won't do anything sexual

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Old 02-05-2013, 12:05 AM   #1
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Tyler, TX
Posts: 4
LonelyMarried HB User
Wife won't do anything sexual

i am 49 my wife is 46 we've been married 8 years. Gradually she has had less, and less interest in sex. Now there is no kissing at all, no affection, no foreplay for me, no initiating sex from her, no oral for me, though she will occasionally let me do oral on her , only if i really beg, will she allow sex and of course she insists on no kissing.And we just rush through it, we have gone as long as 1 year with out sex. Needless to say, like many men, and many who've already posted, I am very sexual, i'm a kisser, and i desire more frequency, variety, and intimacy than she does.

She travels for work so is often gone two or three days a week for work, when she is home, she still avoids me, no intimate hugging or making out, defintely no open mouth kissing, and as a rule no sex or even touching her.

my wife has some depression and takes wellbutrin, she has siad it's her medicine causing her lack of desire, then she's told me it's menopause, and her hormones, Once she told me she doesnt find me attractive anymore, , other times shes told me it is because she too pre occupied and stressed with her work, other times she has said it was a variety of life changes we've went through that were stressing her out, i.e moving, changing jobs, etc

At her request, I work part time, and take care of the house and our 7 yo daughter a little more than half the time since she is often gone for work. She is capable of making much more money than i am, and i believe she resents me over this.
help any advice or info is appreciated

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Old 02-13-2013, 06:07 PM   #2
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: georgia
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kmundy HB User
Re: Wife won't do anything sexual

First let me start by saying I am a female. I read your post and feel my spouse may feel the same way about me. I just don't have a desire. I have chronic pain and have had a hysterectomy. Let me tell you I love my spouse more than life itself , i believe for men it is psychical . Just speaking from my point of view. For me and most women I have talked to it is so emotional. I explain it to my husband like this. If my emotional tank is full I feel more like being with him,but when we don't have a lot of communication in nonsexual ways I feel like sometimes that is all he wants from me is sexual. Maybe your spouse feel the way I do at times. I really like it when he just spends quality time with me and doesn't expect something in return. I am sure your spouse cares for you and maybe it doesn't have anything to do with you. Maybe it is about her. I am trying hard and he is putting forth more of an effort now that he understands. I hope you can find something that works for you in your relationship

Old 02-15-2013, 05:57 AM   #3
Join Date: Jun 2011
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Waiting2011 HB UserWaiting2011 HB UserWaiting2011 HB User
Re: Wife won't do anything sexual

I am 48, married for 3 years and have been with my husband for 11 years. I am right there at the menopause, hormone rollercoaster as well. I have good days and bad days emotion wise. . But the bottom line is that I entered into a marriage with a partner that has needs. It is natural for a decline in frequency, but to stop all together is just not fair. A relationship is work and we all have to participate. Just like going to a job.
You should ask her for some of her time, sit her down without interruption and talk to her. Let her see how important the issue is. Tell her you are interested in improving the relationship and the intimacy between you. You could also take away things from her... but when that type behavior is practiced over time, you no longer have a marriage. Or at least my definition of a marriage.

Old 02-15-2013, 06:25 AM   #4
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Re: Wife won't do anything sexual

I'm sorry for what you're going through! You mentioned menopause and hormonal changes. That can cause loss of desire in some women as well as loss of other sexual function.

I personally lost all desire and even most of my ability to orgasm after a hysterectomy. So sex is a big disappointment and actually reduced me to tears for over a year after my surgery. We had a very satisfying sex life before my gynecologist unnecessarily removed my sex organs. And to add insult to injury, I aged at least 10 years overnight. That certainly doesn't make me feel sexy. But since I love my husband, we do have sex, just not as often.

I no longer have the close feelings to him and my children either. So, for me, the loss of my female organs has affected more than sex which makes sense if you think about it.

In my opinion, a frank conversation with your wife is in order. You deserve to know what's going on. The longer it goes on like this, the harder it will be to repair. Best of luck to you!

Old 03-15-2013, 02:24 AM   #5
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linka HB User
Re: Wife won't do anything sexual

Hi there.

I am a female and 39. Have not had my hysterectomy yet but in past 2-3 years I had a decrease in sexual desire and sex with my husband has always been painful since day 1 and we've been married for 18+ years..

I noticed that every time he wants sex i find all sorts of causes not to have it and recently when he undressed naked and laid in bed next to me I just didn't feel like doing it and he became visually upset. I apologized..

Then when our 9 year old son was staying with my mother for the weekend, my husband undressed and just started walking around house naked (Fully aroused if I may say). Of course I had to get with him and we had our (once a month sex). I know that he wants to have sex more than that but we have a 9-year-old child who is very attached to me and is a super light sleeper.

Maybe your wife is afraid that your daughter might walk-in on you? Also, do you shower before possible sex? Good hygiene (both oral and personal is a key to good sex I think). One time my husband's rectum wasn't well cleaned and it smelled bad while I was performing oral sex on him. The smell made me literally gag and I couldn't wait to get it over with. It was a long time ago but it did happen and that particular experience stuck in my mind. I always clean myself before we engage into physical activity also. So that might be another issue that others won't mention.

Also after 8 years of marriage, is your sex redundant? Try different techniques, poses, toys? Find out what turns her on. As others have said here that sex is a mind game. If her mind is off, she won't get aroused and won't enjoy getting physical with you and will find all type of excuses. Try maybe different locations for sex. If you have relatives, send your daughter to stay with them for the weekend or maybe just 1 day so you both can have a day all to yourself and not to worry that your child might walk in on you.

Good luck

Old 03-28-2013, 03:23 PM   #6
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PrettyPatient HB UserPrettyPatient HB User
Re: Wife won't do anything sexual

Dear LonelyMarried- So sad to read your post. Unfortunately, many women feel the same way. I guess life gets so busy with jobs, children, stress, finacial situations, etc. and it takes its toll on womens sex drives for sure. Much more than mens. I have always said, if given a choice between sleep and sex at night, many women would go for the much needed sleep while most men would go sleep deprived and go for sex everytime. Right? I don't know if what I suggest to you will help or not but its worth a try. First a little background.

I am 52 and my husband is 59. We have been married for almost 33 yrs. I would say we have had some dry spells in our sexual relationship over the years for sure. My husbands sex drive was full steam ahead and mine was so so. Kids will do that. Women are racing around, sometimes doing it all and the last thing they want to hear at night when they are ready to collapse is "can we make love tonight". Birth control over the yrs played a part in no desire too I suspect. So possibly your wifes meds are doing that too.
Anyway overall we have had a pretty healthy sex life with some rocky slopes of once a month along the way. Funny thing is. After reading some other posts on these boards, many women that give into lovemaking to please their partner actually ended up enjoying it! I was one of them. Started out like okay, get this over with and ended with wow, that was pretty nice! No clue why that is. For my husband during these once a month spells it was bad at the time, for me it was like I really didn't care. Sad. He use to say, "we should be enjoying it as much as we can because someday it may not be like this". My thinking was, Men never get tired or capable of lovemaking.

Three yrs ago my husband had a heart attack, thankfully he survived. Some of his meds left him struggling with erections but not all the time. BUT, the last 3 months, that problem has changed into more frequency of not being able to maintain an erection for long. His desire seemed to dwindle some and for me I started thinking, oh oh, that day he was talking about is here! Heres the kicker, My desire went through the roof! I am thinking some part of that is when you can't have something you want it even more? I want it all the time and my husband is trying to deliver and with the help of Viagra we are enjoying ourselves. We ordered some neat toys online. We picked them out together. That might be something you could try. Just viewing some of the items is sexually stimulating for both male and female. How about a KamaSutra book. Something different from the same old. I know one thing that was a big eye opener for me. Never ever will I take a full erection for granted again. And the stamina that it takes for men to maintain it and their hovering over us during lovemaking is really taken for granted by alot of us women I'm afraid. So maybe try the I'm not really interested approach for awhile. Your wife seems to be really hung up on no kissing. Is your breathe not making it or something. Always clean good, mouthwash, and some cologne don't hurt either. Make yourself more appealing to her. Is your hair combed? Do you look like a slob most of the time. These things can be happening with the comfort zones we get into with our relationships. Women don't want to go to bed with a slob (not saying you are, just pointing out).

Lastly, I never knew how bad it was for my husband not being able to make love more often years ago until now when I am in overdrive. I promised him, unless I'm sick, I will never do that to him again and apologized. You not being able to make love for a year is quite the extreme, I just could not imagine. Just within the last year, we are empty nesters, no kids. That has brought a wonderful closeness for us and its back to what room should we try tonight. LOL. Your situation sounds ruff, I'm sure your crawling out of your skin sometimes and your spouse don't even realize how bad that is. But don't give up hope. Try some online shopping and get started down a hopefully new beautiful path with your wife. Good luck!

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