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Old 03-07-2013, 11:06 AM   #1
PostingPJ
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Wink New to Board-here's my story, friends

Hi everyone. I've responded to a few posters after just signing up with this board a few minutes ago, but thought I'd share my story on a new thread just to get it out of the way.
Reading the stories on this board has alread comforted me, to a degree. You guys have to know that we are all on your side and can totally EMPATHIZE with your experiences. I know I sure can. I grew up the youngest in a family of five kids. My parents divorced while my mom was still pregnant with me, so I never really knew my real father, although my siblings remember him well. He was abusive, so I feel it's just as well he wasn't around. Sad, but true. Well, I definitely (as well as my siblings) feel there is mental illness in our family, particularly on our mother's side. She was extremely abusive to all of us, but seemed to pick out one of my brothers and me for the full-force brunt. That aside, I also developed a nervous stomach in my teens and had colitis, as did my older sister. We were both thin and couldn't eat anything without immediately having to run to the bathroom. My stomach was always churning. I did not get anxiety until my early to mid-thirties, although after high school and through my twenties, I did develop crushing, severe depression a few times. General depression I experienced frequently, but the severe kind where you don't even think about eating or even drinking water and you have this 3,000 pound weight on you and you can't function, I had gone through that about 3 times. I was hospitalized several times.

But the anxiety! Totally different. Somewhat related to depression but very different, if you know what I mean...and I know you guys do. I do tend to worry a lot, but my anxiety seems to come out of nowhere, not connected to any specific worry or anything. I have been on various medications and have tried natural herbs (they NEVER helped), deep breathing (helps slightly but only for that moment), etc. etc. I am now on Citalopram for depression, diazapam to help with my insomnia, and a very low dose of Ativan, which is longer-lasting than Xanax, but I wish my doc would up the dose of the Ativan. I think she feels like I've been on some many medications over the years, she is trying to wean me off. This morning, I woke up-for the first time in months-with HORRIBLE AND TERRIFYING anxiety. I took a few extra Ativan. I wish doctors would realize when something really works, if a few extra milligrams are needed, they just are. If a doc has gone through anxiety, I feel they are much more understanding of this. Apparently, my doctor has not experienced it. On the days of the anxiety, I call it 'immobilizing'. I cannot lay down, I cannot get up or I will just pace. I cannot think of anything other than getting rid of the beast that has wrapped itself around my psyche and won't let go. I cannot function, truly.

I worked a good job for many years, until a full-company layoff a few years ago. Got another semi-decent job, but now my husband and I have moved to a rather remote state to start anew. He is a truck driver and has gotten a fairly decent job and we are staying with a disabled relative whom I help take care of, so at least I feel somewhat productive. I have to say, lack of paychecking notwithstanding, I am somewhat relieved that I don't have to go into a workplace with this illness for right now. I did that for many years and believe me, I can relate to you guys that have to 'push through' and do it. Well, that's my story, but I just really needed to find others who REALLY understood this morning and this board is it. Thanks for taking the time to read my rather boring story. I love each and every one of you out there and will pray for you, even though I don't know your names. God knows your names! And He does know your there. Blessings.

 
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