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long story short, or my self-loathing...




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Old 12-13-2013, 02:18 PM   #1
mistysparkle
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Post long story short, or my self-loathing...

Well, I'm always been insecure. I've had been anxious like forever either speaking up to class, introducing myself in new crowd or generally getting to some appt.
During school I had this freak anxiety about mixing up classes and start times (I needed to repeatedly check the schedule and ask over again in fear to misunderstand)
Also I was always anxious to near panic attacks about standing in front of class and retelling something or other (I ended up getting bad marks bc I avoided it at all). I never lift up my hand even if I knew the answers and tried to avoid Literature thought expression our teacher tried to make us do to increase the marks (because I was terrified of expressing my opinion in fear of being laughed at).

I'm always anxious about new things and meeting new people.
Often I manage to avoid.
Getting summer job was terrible experience but at least I hid behind my few friends because for some reason I could brave up when someone was even worse than me.

But few years ago I started to discover internet and various forums (message boards and roleplay) and having it done all english (not my mother tongue, btw) has made me feel better, at least online.
I feel different person when I can speak/write/think in english.
My inner piece returns whenever I can rant/babble in english.

I really dunno why is that, but to fight my ridiculous social phobia (my most recent self-diagnosis) I should move to some english speaking country and start all over, as a person I want to be, not as person-shell- I am now.

So this is my shortened version of my awfully long self-judgment and whining...
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