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    Old 08-15-2014, 09:34 PM   #1
    ShastaJo's Avatar
    Join Date: Aug 2014
    Location: USA
    Posts: 1
    ShastaJo HB User
    Unhappy New member, all stressed out

    Hello new friends,

    This is new for me to use the Internet to find answers but this seems like a good place to start. I've read several people's posts and it feels like a good and safe environment to share freely and to support others. I didn't want to unload my terrible dilemma in my first post. Actually I can't put it into words yet. I'm devastated by a recent event that may cost a friend her life because of a careless mistake I've made. She's hanging in there and time will tell. The waiting is tearing my heart apart. I've been praying a lot and that's about all I can do. Her family doesn't blame me and it might be easier to take if they did.

    Anxiety isn't new to me. I was diagnosed with anxiety 7 years ago, along with PTSD. At times it isn't a problem, I almost feel like I'm "cured". Other times (like now) I feel panic out of control. The doc prescribed klonopin for me and it does work. I'm thankful for that. I spent 4 months in the VA hospital recovering physically and mentally where I learned many techniques to control anxiety. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I had my first panic attack in Iraq. I learned panic is a temporary feeling. I've never had it last 2 days before, even while using the klonopin. I use it only as needed and have gone months without needing it, then anxiety hits unexpectedly and if I can't control it on my own Ill take one. I don't consider it a weakness, it is just another tool to help with coping. I've made adjustments in my life to reduce anxiety: moved to a mountain top and built a small cabin to live as a hermit. I dropped out of the rat race and live a quiet and simple life. I built a sweat lodge and use it often as a form of calm meditation. After a sweat I feel like a new old lady. I got out of an abusive marriage, I took off, destination unknown. It was the best move I've ever made. I live a simple life, no electricity, haul my own water, cook on a campfire and my nearest neighbor is a mile away. I should be concerned with rattlesnakes, scorpions and cougars but they don't bother me so I don't bother them. I have a cat who is a great companion and who lets me know if anything is going on outside. I like the life that I've chosen and my overall anxiety level has dropped 80% since moving to the mountain. Keeping busy has been the best therapy for me, I'm always building something, hiking or being so active that I exhaust myself and get semi-decent sleep.

    I have a list of things that help when I'm anxious but that has failed for the past 2 days. Lots of good ideas I'll post next time, it may help someone else someday. I suppose if this situation goes from bad to worse, I'll be going to the VA shrink. For now, I'm trying hard to keep the faith and hope for the best.

    I seem to be rambling...I had no clue what would come out once I started typing. I was even nervous to do this! I'm thankful for the technology that allows me to be on this website and I hope I can find it again! I choose my words carefully to not offend anyone or upset them. I try to always be considerate of the feelings of others! Communication by typing only leaves out so much that would be there in a face to face conversation, which can lead to misunderstandings. Some of my experiences in life has made me into an overly sensitive person, not that I'd be offended, just that it makes me more sensitive to triggers. Ordinary things can be felt by me that becomes a trigger...not written words, but events around me. I had just completed my 6th month of no medication... Then the accident happened and threw me into an anxiety whirlwind. I know this will pass, but guilt sure is a butt-kicker!

    My goal is to return to support others, helping others helps me but at this point in time I'm not fit to help even myself. I thought talking about it would help calm me, release some of the burden in my heart. Being alone with such a heavy weight is a difficult place to be. I don't feel so alone now that I've typed this post.

    Life is one day at a time... Or one hour...or one second. They say "do tnsweat the small stuff and its all small stuff" but that isn't always so. One thing is for certain, time does heal.

    Thank you all for being here. And thank goodness for satellite phones that allow me to be here at a time when I needed it most. Best wishes to all for the situations you're dealing with. I will be back and will post helpful info. If I don't log in for a few days that means we had cloudy weather and my stuff runs on solar power.

    All the best to everyone here!

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