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ADD-Dysthymia ... hopeless


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Old 07-23-2015, 07:47 AM   #1
gabyta07
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ADD-Dysthymia ... hopeless

Hi, I'm 33 yo. and I needed to somewhere to rant about me and my issues...so this is me:
When I was a little girl, I was diagnosed with attention deficit...more than me my mother suffered a lot from me having this.
My mom gave her everything for me to survive it.
She will sit down with me every day to do homework, she would scream at me until I learned some lesson.
I went in and out many psychologists and psychiatrists.
She even took me to another more developed country to be diagnosed again and again. All psychologies described me differently but with the same diagnosis ADD.
When I was 10 yo I was present when my father confessed to my mother that he had been cheating her, they were in the room next to the one where I was watching tv, they fought in there and in front of me. Father came desperate to hug me telling me he didn't want to leave me.
To leave everything behind, my father promised never to do it again, and we moved to the city where all my family was, that was when I was 11.
New school: It was difficult, it was my first time mingling with boys since I had been all my life in a school for girls.
I studied there the 6th grade, junior high school and one year of high school.
I was bullied, a guy threw soda on my feet, my dad came to talk with they boy, I was called monster, zombie...this is bc my back is not straight but curve. Mom bought me strapping to keep it straight but they did not work.
During my teenage years I started to have weight problems.
I also started to write very depressing poems, which my family celebrated but thought they were too sad.
When I was a child my mother used to say that the dog was her favorite daughter (btw I have a sister too, 4 years younger), this used to hurt me.
It was really difficult for me making friends, I was not allowed to watch the same tv shows that my friends where watching like "Beverly Hills 9210" but I was allowed to watch anime, which made me have friends who were into it too.
The anime became special to me, bc it was and still is a way to escape.
During school years I was interested in reading, from mythology, to wethering heights, kids my age didn't get it.
My mom didn't get either the anime attachment
She would make funny voices everytime I would start watching it.
I started piano lessons which I stopped bc all my friends were talking about the last episode which I could not watch bc of it.
Mom took me to writing classes, which I stopped after the first day, bc I felt they were making fun of me.
I didn't understand ppl's jokes. I didn't know how to mingle.
During parties I was the wallflower, and always returned crying from it. My mom didn't want me to go back again.
Mom started to criticize my weight, I did diets, but it was the same story, lose it and gain it. I didn't and I don't feel pretty, my mom swore I was, did not believe it, she started calling me useless, with no common sense, that I did not know how to dress, that I was a slob and so on.
I had several rows with my mom and I still have them.
I became addicted to tv, would watch tv after school and sometimes until 3 am.
Then later internet came on, and the school had it...I became addicted to internet.
Teacher criticized me, and then I failed the year, but instead of taking the extra exams, I decided to give up and start again, while my other friend didn't and continue to next year.
This has been my overall story, give up before trying bc I don't believe I can.
Went to a couple of psychologists, who said although I still have ADD characteristics, I don't have the diagnosis anymore...I did not have ADD anymore.
That's an issue of mine, I tend to put blame in everything except myself.
It's my mom, it's the ADD, it's the depression, it's the teacher...
Anyhow, 3 years later when I was in university, a psychiatrists told me I had dysthymia due that I could still have a "normal" life and I was not on my bed crying, during this time I got a boyfriend, one from internet...we did get to know each other, but after he broke up with me, I locked myself in the house, and everyone in university knew it.
A psychoanalytic teacher told me I was a masochist...so its not surprising.
But looking back I punished myself and to the others, for not doing what I wanted.
I hate myself.
A psychiatrist told me I should break ties with my mom, which I understand where he was coming from, even though my mom always criticized me, I craved and still crave her acceptance, which I know it would never come. He also told me 70% of my conversation was anime...and this still happens, not that I talked about anime...but I have, what I like to call seasonal hobbies, or seasonal obsessions, meaning that for a month or two, I would do and read about only that thing, and almost all my conversation its going to be about that. When I have an anime obsession, I never talked about it, I let it out in forums and I never talked about anime with my mom, since she hates it. Which also kind of developed an addiction to forum.
With my dad, he was my hero, I did develop something like a edipus complex with him. My father started to distance himself from me. Anyhow, I distrust everyone, specially men, after the great cheating scene, I would read articles where it would prove 96% of men had cheated.
During university and high school years, I had no friends, ppl avoided me.
So I tried to bond with my teachers. Looking for someone to listen.
In 9th grade I wrote an article about anime being for all ages, and published in a journal...the whole class made fun of me.
Teacher told the class, that ppl who dreamed were the ones that succeeded...a lot of ppl told me I was intelligent (what a laugh), that I had great potential, specially teachers, but I am still waiting.
Life has been dissapointment after dissapointment.
Anyhow I majored in psychology, at first I entered bc I wanted to be a therapist...only to realize it was not my thing.
So I started to work with children with autism.
Went to two countries to studied, in one I graduated in the other I didn't
I studied ABA, which in my country is not done.
While I was during my placement, the psychologist thought I was good, as same as the family and the therapist...but not the teachers which is the reason I failed.
Anyhow mom wants me to go back home, to work independently as a therapist.
But I know I would fail, I am a failure. I am a loser. I am too scared to live. I am too scared to try.
I am too scared of failure.
I have no friends, specially no boyfriend.
I am fat again...addicted to food, I am trying to do diet, I stopped buying bread and all those things.
I have a dog, family things I am way too attached to her.
But I am lonely, she is my only friend...she doesnt mock me, and really makes me happy.
I am alone.
Heck, when I do go out to a restaurant or something like that, it is with mommy and daddy.
They even still support me.
I have the peter pan syndrome.
I don't blame ppl for wanting to avoid me, I would avoid me too.
It's hard to be around my mom, and not the be around her.
I feel I can not make decisions without her approval.
She still calls me a slob. And I am.
I went to my sister house to take care of her dogs, I asked how to turn the stove to cook myself an egg and the message I received "Mom doesnt want you to use the stove"
I am still a 10 yo, heck, mom doesnt allow me to use the stove...like I have some disability which may be true...she thinks I was misdiagnosed and I have aspergers.
I am tired.
I even tried to keep a diary, but it became something so dark, that I stopped it.
I go to the movies and I watch 4 films in a row...who does that?
Oh and I am really useless....don't know how to clean a toilet, nor clean the house and so on. And to be truthful I don't really care if it is clean or not...who is going to see it? Me and my dog.
And for the lack of social skills, they are hard, can not be interested in a topic that it does not genuinely interest me...have to make an effort to remember to ask ppl about their lifes.
Also I tend to be super honest...too direct, I don't know how to be diplomatic. I forget to say "Good morning" I go direct to the point.
It annoys me when ppl make things long instead of doing exactly that.
Ppl hate me.
Oh and to just make it worst, I have thanotophobia, also phobia to lizards and fishes.
If you read this I congratulate you, I wouldn't have been able to...too much darkness.

Last edited by Administrator; 03-10-2017 at 09:49 AM.

 
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