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Just how I feel


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Old 01-18-2017, 09:37 PM   #1
jonas482
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Just how I feel

There are many sides to me as there are to anyone, and right now I just need to vent, without interruptions and anyone else’s opinions being heard. There are two main sides to me that feel like they’re fighting with each other, as one is the antithesis of the other. And a lot of the time, the part of me that I wish wasn’t winning is. That’s the part that is happy with no direction, the part that says it’s fine, you can leave it, the work will still be there tomorrow with time to do it. And that’s what’s bothering me, that side of me is so strong that it wins out, it allows me to push the thought of work to the back of my mind, and spend hours, days and weeks focused on distracting myself from what I need to do.

Equally when I do manage to subdue that side of myself for a while I grow bored of work quickly, looking for my other options, cheating myself by saying that a short break will be all I need, just one little bump to hold off from going into full laziness mode, and on rare occasions this works. But it’s by no means a perfect system, often it fails, leaving me with a piece of work or my studies in general feeling lacklustre and poor, disappointed in myself for achieving as little as I have.

Though that’s not the worst part, I then try and hide from what I have done, burying myself even further in games and TV, hiding from the repercussions whose pressure is mounting every moment that I hide, till it’s an overwhelming Tsunami that washes away the distractions for that one clear second, and all that I have is what little I’ve accomplished and at least one person that I know is looking at me, nude without my distractions, a look of pity and disappointment on their faces, which I know will happen from the onset. One of the main reasons I hid at all.

Those people that I care about the eyes that look upon me, I can almost picture a seen of myself standing in a desert, small weak and vulnerable. The eyes of those closest to me superimposed in the sky looking down on me, as if it were a film or something, and I don’t even need to hear them say the words, those words that I know are coming, because I know I will fail again, so sometimes I wonder what’s the point of even trying? I have those people, and I know I’m lucky to have them, and I’m sure I would be worse off without them. But I sometimes wonder what life would be like without them. A life where they don’t exist, where I’m a new person, free of all the sins of my past. A beautiful blank world just waiting for me to stamp my new identity on it.

But then how different would this new life really be? Because for it to be even the slightest bit different I would have to be different, and I’m not sure that’s really possible. Because how do I know that I wouldn’t fall back into old habits? Doing the same things that led me to flee my old life, because those things that I wanted to escape from weren’t the people; they were their reactions to me. So what if they don’t know where I am? They’ll still be in my head, their eyes even sadder now that I’ve left them and they don’t know where, not to mention how much of a coward I am.

Could you imagine the strength of character it takes to turn your back on your old life? To never reach out, never contact them again leave everything that you knew behind, all the hobby’s and things that you loved that could be tracked would have to be forgotten, buried in a corner of your mind because if they tried looking as you knew they would, they’d be able to find you. To really cut the cord to your old life? But if I had that, why would I be in the situation that I’m in anyway? I’d already be blessed with the personal strength to stop the things that drive me to be a disappointment to myself and others.

This is one of those rare occasions where what I’d like to consider my better side has gotten out, keeping me awake due to the actions of my other half. This is the side of me that worries, that wants to do well, tormented by its lack of ability to do something to correct the mistakes, because there isn’t enough time, when the stakes are so high, the damage is already done to my future, I can salvage and mitigate maybe, but I can’t avoid, if I only had more time. Not that writing this didn’t take some, but the time required is so much more than I have, and this may allow me to relax, to be happy, even if it is only for a little while.

The worst or best part though? As soon as the damage is done, the other half will walk away, forgetting what has happened learning nothing, incapable of grieving, showing the world and pretending that things aren’t as bad as they seem because of the unbearable shame that they know they’d feel, yet spinning more lies, wrapping itself within a cocoon of them, so many lies and layers, not quite invisible all the time, because every now and again, someone will see them, catch a glimpse and try to pick at them. And they will probably succeed because of how good it feels to be rid of them and their weight, but the very next day? There’ll be a new disappointment to hide, and the cocoon will grow again, to the same size that it was before.

The worst part though, is sometimes the inactivity to make my own life easier, when it affects no one else, almost a system of self-punishment, psychological damage to myself, not just not helping myself, but purposefully doing harm. And when asked why I can’t be bothered? A deflection, blaming it on laziness or my ADHD, to disguise the true motive. The fact that I feel like I deserve the punishment, that having my life be worse is what I have earned, never mind the punishments and trials that will be put upon me by others later for my inaction.

A prison of my own mind and making, how very mainstream, but unfortunately also so very apt for me. Because really, I don’t need other people to be disappointed in me, I’m already feeling worse about it than they could possibly imagine. Mostly because I never show them, the happy side of me, who avoids everything, a mask and defence so ingrained in my psyche that only those who really know me can see. But they can’t get behind, or at least it feels like they don’t try. Too wrapped up in their own problems, which to me seem as light as air, and I know that some of the things that I have are petty, but you add them all up? They weigh on me, making me seethe behind my mask, but not enough to remove or break it. Almost never, there have been a few occasions where I’ve let off some steam, but few and far between, all the while the immense pressure I put on myself builds up, pressing against these grievances, making me want to just rip them all down and change everything.

I hope that someone reads this, someone who can read this without judging me, for not knowing who I am.

Anyway, that’s all that I have, it’s all that I wanted to say.

Last edited by Administrator; 01-18-2017 at 10:11 PM.

 
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