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Thought i was getting past things

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Old 10-02-2007, 03:59 AM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: branson missouri usa
Posts: 5
julianna77 HB User
Unhappy Thought i was getting past things

Not sure were to post my story dealing with to many things at once....beyond overwhelmed. Diagnosed with PTSD,Bipolar,borderline,ocd. In 1998 had a nervous breakdown dealing with childhood trauma. Cutting on myself since junior high and suicidal for about 20 years.(am alive by the continuing grace of God. to many experiences to tell them all seems like i have more lives than a cat)Delivered from the cutting and suicidal thoughts and attempts for a year now PRAISE GOD so why am i still suffering and having daily trouble. was on about 15 medications took myself off my psych meds after more than 8 years. I always kept everything inside everyone thought i was fine. "there is nothing wrong with Julianna" My husband left at the Beginning of my breakdown thought we had the perfect marriage. Left the state with joint visitation bringing my kids back and forth. thinking it best they not visit "when mom is sick" On top of all the mental i have had more physical problems than imaginable everytime i say something is wrong everyone rolls their eyes "Julianna is a hypocondriact" then why do the doctors always find something major wrong so many surgeries. Trying to pretend all is in the past living everyday with another grenaide in my lap. Never ending. I was always the one to listen to everyone else give them advise pretend i could handle it all fixing everyone else never myself 8 years of therapy How could i not be Free Better have everything in the past. Tired of feeling like i am failing on top of all the emotional garbage i have my 3rd lumbar vertebrea in my back crushed (yes my fault crashed my car a year ago) never been in sooooooooo much pain after 10 surgeries and 3 kids with natural childbirth the back pain is taking over my life plus i have spent 3 years unable to keep down food or liguids diagnosis irritable bowel syndrome, spastic colon, hiatal hernia no help finally last month i found out the Dr. messed up taking out my gallbladder 3 years ago. need to have stents put in the valves were my gallbladder was because they are calapsed and that is why i have had daily diahrea vomiting nausea My family has abandoned me Now instead of keeping everything inside with a smile on my face I AM SO FILLED WITH ANGER IT IS GROWING DAILY OVERWHELMED DOESN'T EVEN DISCRIBE IT PSYCHOLOGIST SAYS THE ANGER IS GOOD AND VALID???????? YEA I CAN'T STAND MYSELF I WAS NEVER LIKE THIS NO MATTER HOW BAD THINGS WERE EVERYONE LOVED ME. I AM ALONE IN MY HOUSE EVERYDAY ON DISABILITY ONLY VISITOR IS MY HOMEHEALTH NURSE 1 HOUR A WEEK AND MY CASEWORKER TO DR. APPOINTMENTS AND A CLEANING LADY THAT DOESN'T CLEAN AND YES I HAVE HAD ABOUT 12 FROM THE SAME COMPANY. I AM SOOOOOOOOOO TIRED OF COMPLAINING I WANT THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE. I can't take the pain physical, emotional, and the loss of my dad in my life. I know like i am telling a sob story but i pray read my bible and spend much of my time sharing about the Lord to those who are not saved. I try to be upbeat but can't keep my head above the water it is like someone is holding me under. There are many that see how hard i have been working so why aren't things getting better????? When does it end i have gone to a therapist every week. Am i so crazy that i am unable to understand or comprehend were i am going wrong???? There are people suffering greater than i am and we are not givin more than we can handle right???? Well i can't handle anymore. I have so much love in my heart for my children but i feel life is gonna be over before they will see me "WELL" I am willing to do ANYTHING TRY ANYTHING.I have researched All of my illness' and done what i need to get better. I feel i am beyond wasting my breath and am scared to have yet another surgery I AM NOT THE HUMAN VERSION OF THE GAME OPERATION. I have a dream of being well and working to help those who are going through the things i have dealt with. Before i was married i was in nursing school and worked in pediatrics i was soooooooooo happy and i was GREAT at my job continuous raises i know the potential that is in me and when my children were young i was with them 24 7 until my husband left 7 years of bliss. And now that life is a million years in the past.

Last edited by julianna77; 01-06-2008 at 02:19 AM. Reason: adding to the bottom

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Old 11-24-2007, 10:57 PM   #2
Junior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Conroe,Texas,Montgomery
Posts: 10
mike54 HB User
Re: Thought i was getting past things

Just consider yourself being hugged. And know, someone cares.

Last edited by mentalhealth mod; 01-30-2008 at 09:14 AM. Reason: this board is to empathize with the original poster not to seek or give advice

Old 01-06-2008, 02:10 AM   #3
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: branson missouri usa
Posts: 5
julianna77 HB User
Smile Re: Thought i was getting past things

I can relate, Julianna. It is an endless cycle. I feel physically sick which makes me depressed and then the medicine they give me for the multiple health problems causes more depression. Add being single with a family that can't seem to understand that my energy level just isn't what they think it should be, so they add "guilt trips" to the list. I probably did the wrong thing by not complaining when I hurt or felt bad. I trained myself to always keep a smile on my face and just keep going until I could finally get to my home and collaspe. Now, when things are so bad, my doctors just don't seem to believe me. At least their attitude seems to indicate they don't believe me. One just keeps writting scrips for pain pills, more and more pain pills, but he never tries to help me find a reason for the pain. Another just adds to the pills. I don't think they even look at the list of medications I fill out at each appointment or they would wonder why I am on valium, ultram, requip, wellbutrin and about 6 other prescriptions all to help me sleep, battle pain, deal with depression or just function on a daily basis. People without a chronic illness have no idea how difficult daily life can be because people can't see your pain. With cancer or some high profile illness, people offer words of encouragement and bend over backwards to offer to help you. But with a chronic illness like depression or fibromyalgia that can't be seen, you look so normal and you are expected to be "yourself" 100% of the time. Sometimes I wish I did have cancer. At least people would understand. Anyone reading this who has a family member with a chronic illness, please learn to be understanding. We know our limits. We know what makes us hurt or feel bad. We know when to draw the line. So if we say no to something, don't push, just realize that maybe we need some down time to regroup our bodies so we don't get sick.[/QUOTE]
Thank you for your reply Cheesesandwich. I have learned after everything the last 9 years i tell my children when i need to rest. when i push myself through the pain and pretend it isn't there than i just up having several days that i am uncapable of doing anything and yes everything seems to be on the inside people see i look fairly young because i am 34 and after dealing with such horrible pain you cry for the first few months and then realize that crying just makes your body hurt worse. i can smile like you said and still have pain that is surpassing the 10 scale at the doctors office. unfortunately when we go to the doctors we can't let them experience exactly what we are going through for about 5 minutes and then i am sure their response would be sooooooooo much different. Please don't wish to have cancer on top of everything else...........but i do know what you mean there are days when i wish everything would just end..........but then there are days that even when it seems that it can't get anyworse God Feels me Head to toe with Peace and helps me carry on unto the next day . I don't know why we go through and endure all that we do but i have learned after years of Pretending to be strong kids are smart and it really is better to try and help them understand what your going through. I just explain to them not every MOM can go 24/7 there friends with mothers like that are very blessed and then one day last year my middle daughters best friends mother got Breast cancer and you know what thank GOD my daughter was use to my condition because she was there for her friend and even helped with her friends mom and all i could do was pray, but ALL we can do sometimes is ALL we can do.It was hard for my kids for a long time but now as they are getting older 11, 13 and going on 15 they really do understand and i had it in my head that they would hold it against me forever but you know even if you can't get off the couch you can still say how was school or you wanna talk about your day or things might be rough but just seeing a smile on your face makes mommy smile on the inside even if i can't on the outside. For a long time i was so protective of my kids i never wanted them around when i wasn't doing well but today i am proud to say we are closer than we have ever been and even when all i do is lay i can still listen and thats something ALOT of children don't get is there parent caring about what they want to talk about. they may try the "your always sick" or " none of my friends have to deal with this" but really what they are saying is "MOM just as much as it breaks your heart not to be able to do all the things you want. It hurts my heart too so lets find a way to have our own special moments" anyways that is the approach i have taken the last year and i am REALLY starting to see a difference................Plus even if we were the healthiest MOMS in the WORLD we would still fall short somehow..........just don't shorten your time by pushing your self so hard that you weakin faster i don't know what your beliefs are but i still pray everyday and no one can convince me that it's a waste of time i believe GOD answers in his time not in ours. My thoughts are with you and your family

Last edited by mentalhealth mod; 01-30-2008 at 09:27 AM. Reason: removing quote from a deleted post

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