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I don't understand this

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Old 05-27-2009, 04:53 PM   #1
Join Date: May 2009
Location: colorado
Posts: 2
jujubeet7 HB User
I don't understand this

Three months ago I had a seizure, during the seizure I stopped breathing for 5 minutes. After i was released from the hospital The doctor informed me that i have to stop working for awhile, stop school for the semester, stop driving for six months and relax; which is easier said than done (at least for me). Two weeks into my vacation from life, I started to become severely depressed and this depression is still with me today.

You have to understand that I have never been a person who has boughs of depression. I have always been the type of person that could get through anything that was thrown at me; and trust me I had a lot of hardships sent my way well I was growing up. Which is why I am unable to understand why I canít get past this? My motherís drug and alcohol abuse, her @#$% boyfriend who would come into my room with no cloths on (because he was so drunk that he didn't know where he was) my ex-husband who thought that verbal and physical abuse was how you showed the other person you love them and the six years I spent on my own raising my daughter has never brought me to the place I am know.

When I was six months preganante I walked around and found a place to live, i signed up for government assistance and started to make a life for my daughter and myself. When i had my daughter I decided that I should go back to school; so I packed my bags and left the place I called home to live in a place I did not like, so that I could start and finish school. I promised myself that my daughter would never have to suffer the way I did as a child. I finished school and applied for a master program (which I got in). I also contacted her father, who was also looking for us. We got back together and he moved to be with us.

My life is good and i have nothing to be sad about, but I am. One minute I'm fine and the next minute I'm severely depressed. I'm seeing a counselor and she recommended that I get some anti-depression medication (short term of course) but Iím afraid to take it, because it was a prescription drug that caused the seizure in the first place. I'm at a loss; I can't keep going on like this. I feel useless, un-happy, I feel like I'm a bad mother, I don't want to go anywhere and I'm starting to hate myself. I know that this is physiological, but that person inside of me keeps telling me that I have to stop being weak and start taking responsibility for how I feel.

I'm so lost and so sad, I just can't seem to make myself be happy. I get mad at myself for being like this, which makes things even worse I'm my own worst enemy and I know that I'm causing my depression to be worse then what it is. I want to be able to wake up and feel happy, like i use to. I'm so scared that it's going to get worse instead of better. I never wanted to put my daughter through the same ordeal I went through as a child, but it seem like the past is repeating its self, I'm hoping that this site will help me get through the anxiety and depression that I feel daily.

<edited: removed identifying details. Please read the rules in the FAQ.>


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Old 05-27-2009, 11:35 PM   #2
Join Date: May 2009
Location: winnipeg, man. can
Posts: 9
justumn HB User
Re: I don't understand this

I think your doctor got this one wrong. You probably need to stay somewhat active. You probably coped all those years because you didn't dwell on things, but with all this time on your hands, its changed the whole way you do life.
All the best to you. You sound like a strong person. Thats the one I'm betting will be back.

Old 05-28-2009, 10:27 PM   #3
Join Date: May 2009
Location: colorado
Posts: 2
jujubeet7 HB User
Re: I don't understand this

Thank you, I have been trying to stay positive and I'm trying to stay busy. My daughter will be out of school, for the summer, starting next week, so she will keep me very busy. I'm having surgery on my hand tomorrow and I'm very worried. It's only minor surgery, but ever since I had my seizure and stopped breathing for 5 minutes, I get scared that i'm not going to wake up; so you can imagine how scared, worried and deppresed I have been this week. i just hope that I can get through tomorrow and then the next six weeks of recovery. Your thoughts and words have given me hope thank you.

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