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Depressed and scared

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Old 11-24-2010, 09:38 PM   #1
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 10
lindsey322 HB User
Unhappy Depressed and scared

I'm in my mid 20's and have always had anxiety. I can remember dating back to 1st grade feelings of anxiety and focusing on things that made me anxious/OCD.

Ok- fast forward, I did go through severe anxiety after college with all my life changes, was on medication for a year and eventually adapted. I also developed panic attacks from what I call PTSD. Never been diagnosed but haven't talked to a medical doctor about it. I traveled to volunteer in a 3rd world country and got very sick, was hospitalized with multiple food-borne illnesses and after did not eat for two weeks until I busted the heck out of there. The fear of eating and fear of not being able to leave (remote village, no phone access!!) really affected me and I tend to get panic attacks around new restaurants, new food, or somewhere where I feel I can't get home quickly. I deal with it and do take Kolonopin (spelling?) for those attacks. They typically happen during travel, but I've come to expect and handle them well.

Now that I've written that novel of background info, my anxiety came to a head in May. I don't know why but suddenly I started having classic symptoms such as lack of sleep, racing thoughts, crying spells, dizzy spells, and I felt like the room was spinning so fast I couldn't stand up. My panic attacks started happening multiple times a day regardless of situation. Panic attacks for me involve vomiting, weakness, and other flu like symptoms. I did go see a doctor, who put me on kolonopin (again, spelling) in very small dosage once a day. I've been on it since and it works well for me, but I think I've developed a tolerance to it.

My doctor also noticed a severe vitamin D3 deficiency. I'm currently on 4000 "units" and my levels are still 37 out of 100. She noted that could be a cause of the random onset and severity of my anxiety. Why I have not been put on more D3 is unknown, I think I need more.

In mid-september I noticed some depression, but I'd never been depressed before. I thought some travel and other changes in routines might be to blame. However, lately I have had severe depression symptoms. I'm simply sad all the time, I am not into things I used to- I feel like with the holidays I'm just going through the motions and not enjoying anything. I feel like a robot. I've been sleeping a lot, I feel so sad I simply want to go to bed. I've had crazy crying spells- crying for no reason but just can't stop. I hesitant to answer the suicide question, because while I don't have specific thoughts, sometimes I do wish I could just curl up into a ball and disappear. It's not suicidal, but I just want the sadness to go away. It's a very dark place. I feel very disconnected.

At my doctor's appt. she put me on 10 mg of prozac. After this rambling, though writing helps, I don't understand why although I have a history of mild anxiety, everything seems to have hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I'm falling apart and also very scared because my family doesn't really accept mental trouble as legit, which is frustrating because there is family history and my parents are a doctor and a nurse. I knew it was bad when my mother told me to go to see a doctor, she usually tells me to snap out of it. I'm also a preschool teacher and I suppose I have a complex that in my line of work, this type of stuff needs to be under the rug.

I have no one to talk to- not co workers, not family, I feel like I'm just venting and it's bothersome to others. Writing this did help.
It's odd, I teach special ed preschool and like those children, I can see traces of my "big" problem in little places here and there, soft signs leading up to where I am now. I have some imbalance in my brain and I've always had it, I've always been a ball of nerves and am the picture of GAD but again, not depression. I feel like as an adult, things are just getting worse and worse as I get older. Everything in my life right now is okay- no major stresses, finances are good, work is great... there isn't a environmental cause so to speak.

I was reading about bi-polar disorder also because I definitely do experience mania. It's mild, I don't go cliff diving spur of the moment, and am so scared to explore that avenue with my doctor. I can become very excitable, have random screams/twitches when overwhelmed with mania, spend lots of money on random things, work/focus excessively hard on things... I've been known to randomly clean the entire house at 2am, work on projects for work until late at night, to the point where I am so exhausted I stop, but it seems like my engine is still revving. no one knows this, but the internet is good for anonymity and advice. Like I said, with my family anything mentally related is taboo but as an educator, I know these conditions are very real.

My baseline for help is similar to what I look for in my students, at what point does the given disability or problem affect a person's functioning. I ask myself this every day and for now, it is affecting me to where I can't function and am not myself.

Thanks for listening.

The following 4 users give hugs of support to: lindsey322
chaelo (02-14-2011),Nelia Ann (09-30-2011),rosielouisa (11-25-2010),Winniii (07-24-2011)
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