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casualwatcher 09-11-2011 09:33 AM

I don't even know what's wrong anymore.
I guess I've always been shy. Ridiculously shy, in fact. When I would speak to people for the first time, especially in high school (I guess it's only gotten worse with age), they would exclaim 'You just spoke!' as if I was a mute.

I have trouble shutting off, in the sense that I just...don't stop thinking. Ever. It usually takes me hours to find sleep at night. But, with this thinking, I guess a few revelations have been made. Such as when I was little, I never really spent much time with my parents. We lived in a pub from when I was just born until I was six years old, and they were always working. During those years, I'd say I was probably closer with my nana - she was always babysitting and I loved going to her house. It makes me think if this had an effect on me now, and the person I am. And although I hate thinking like this (I feel so pathetic and 'oh, woe is me'), I guess anything's possible, right?

My first experience with depression was when I was twelve years old. That alone makes me believe it wasn't really depression, just a silly phase. But for about a month, maybe two months, I hardly left my room, had to have food brought up to me, would make myself sick so that I wouldn't have to leave the house, and (as pathetic an attempt it was) tried to drown myself. I never knew what was wrong, never even thought it could be depression, but we got talking about it in science a couple years after and it just...made so much sense.

I've never gone to a professional about this, never even been diagnosed. But my latest bout of depression, I believe, was late last year...from around mid-December to mid-March, and it was possibly the lowest time in my life. I felt as if I had 'back shelved' my life - I was putting it on hold, but I didn't know why. I felt so messed into self harming. At first, it was just to stop me from crying. Then I guess I just depended on it to make me feel better, give some relief and make me feel like I had an ounce of control. I had about a month, all through July and into August, I'd say, where I was happy. Really happy. I could get so much work done and repaired all the friendships I had dismissed during my depressive state.

And now...I'm not even sure what's going on. For a couple weeks now I've just felt like something isn't right... I don't know what. I'm more irritable, easily frustrated, seem to hate everything. I give up way too easily - if I can't do something I'll just abandon trying. I'm crying for no reason, eating less, and I've recently got back into the self harm. And I don't have a clue why... nothing major has happened in my life for me to feel like this.

Earlier this year I told my tutor at college what was going on, how I was feeling, and she helped me arrange to meet weekly with a counsellor. She didn't help much, and in the end I told her it was probably just a 'teenage phase' so that she would let me stop seeing her. Though by that time I really was feeling better. Now my mood swings are back and I don't know how to control them. I flip so easily. I'll be fine one minute, and then I'll be feeling like ramming my head into a wall, screaming, crying, hurting myself. I don't know what to do, or who to go to.

I don't like speaking about these things. I'm not much of a talker, I guess. I'd never go to my parents with this. Ever. We're close, but...not that close. I have a great family, but...we just don't speak. And I don't feel comfortable going to them with this at all, so I never will, I don't think. I can't go to friends. Last time I did I was constantly told 'smile', 'you just need cheering up', 'there's nothing for you to be sad over, though'. I can't take that anymore... I hated most of them because of that. It's unfair, I know, but I couldn't stand being near them because that was all they could talk to me about. It was as if the 'depression' became my identity.

I'm scared it's coming back. I'm in my second year at college now, and last year this whole thing messed up my Literature. I just about passed, but I need to do so much better this year if I want a chance to get into university. At the moment, though, I wouldn't care if I just didn't wake up in the morning.

When I was little, as in 7-11, I used to wrap myself up in my duvet until it felt like there was no air left beneath it with me, and I would go to sleep and wish that I would suffocate. There was never anything wrong, I didn't understand any of it. I think it's always been there.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting on here... sometimes I feel I post too much about myself online. My family have no idea who I am.
Anyway, that's my life story. I hope I'll at least be able to settle for a while now that I've got all this out...

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