| I see no end to this!
I'm a 46yo male. I've been depressed all my life. I've seen Psychologists, Psychiatrists, taken all kind of anti-depressants, and nothing has ever stopped it or helped. I guess I should tell my story first.
My 4yo brother died when I was 6. He died of an undetected congenital defect. He was sick one morning, and I watched my mother beating my dying brother because she said he was faking it. He died later that day. Not long after that, we visited my Grandmother, and her neighbor molested me.
After that, I grew up with few to no friends, never fitting in anywhere, and always feeling lost. My parents showed little love or affection for each other after my brother died, let alone me or my sister.
When I became an adult, I longed to feel loved. I became promiscuous telling myself I was being loved. I hated every occasion, but went back for more because I believed the lie I was being loved. I eventually married in my 30's, as I believed I had to do that to know I was loved, yet all along I really never felt it. Once I felt unloved again, i went back to what I knew to feel loved. The marriage ended, and I left a son behind who I now paid for my sins.
My son was the joy of my life, yet I never knew how to be close to him. I longed to, but I had a deep fear that when he grew to truly know me, he would not like me and reject me. His mother treated him like crap, as if he was an inconvenient accessory. I went to court to win custody, and ended up with nothing. She turned him against me, and now my fear is a reality. He does not want me in his life, and I am so empty.
I hate myself. I fit nowhere. I matter to no one, and I can relate to no one. I have seen all sorts of counselors, and psychiatrists, and all they did was bleed my wallet dry. I sought solace in religion, and all that did was convince me how much of a sinner I was that deserved punishment. How could God forgive me? How can I forgive me? I see no end to this. No way out.
As the Robbie Williams song says "I don't want to die, but I'm not keen on living either." I just want help. but it seems to be nowhere to be found!
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