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AlwaysAlone 02-23-2012 06:55 PM

Homeless in 4 days - Depression and I still go on...
I am at the very lowest point in my life and for some reason I find the strength to continue on... I am a 41 year old woman who suffers from bi-polar depression and has always felt ashamed.

I have suffered from depression since I was in the 8th grade. That's when I stopped showering/bathing every day, I would skip school. I would pretend to take a shower so my Mom wouldn't know what I was doing...I'd go into the bathroom and run the shower for about 10-15 minutes and just sit on the floor of the bathroom and stare into space. Then I would get dressed for school and wait until my Mom left for work, take off my clothes, put my pajamas back on and get back in the bed. I would be OK for several weeks, then go through a depressive "phase" and pretend again. I'm a good pretender because no one ever knew what I was doing. The girl who's locker was next to mine just thought I smelled and talked about me and my stinkiness and my severe acne behind my back. I hated my teen years, I really struggled. My Mom finally realized something was wrong when I was in 12th grade when she had to appeal all of my absences so I could graduate high school. We went to family counseling where she blamed me for being lazy and not going to school. I was then accepted to college - hardly ever went to class because of the depression and was kicked out after 1 year. I appealed but was denied. I was pretty much kicked out of the house because I was "lazy". I went here and there from friend to friend, then ended up back at home with my Mom. I struggled this way for many years - I tried seeing therapists, but never stayed with that for long. I would lie on my resume that I was a college graduate - I got great jobs and made a lot of $$ everytime I got a new one. I'm very smart so once I got the job, no one knew I was actually NOT a college graduate.

My depression got WORSE after I gave birth to my daughter. Oh I faked my way through life but all of my lying, cheating and stealing couldn't last for long and the cracks were showing. I committed credit card fraud and had to go through community service and restitution for a few months (PTI). Now I can't pass a background check. I can't keep a job because of absenteeism. My credit is horrible and I can't even buy a car or get an apartment. I've lost 2 teeth because of lack of hygiene, I barely brush my teeth, wash my hair, shower, etc. I gave my daughter to live with my brother (she's now 16) because I can't keep a stable roof over her head. I went from making $90,000 a year to having NOTHING. I reside in a motel with bedbugs and I'm out of money. My room is paid through Monday and then I will be out on the street, living in my car that is in my Mom's name and will be repossessed because I haven't paid in 4 months. My family is done with helping me. They equal my depression to being an alcoholic or a crackhead so no one will take me in. They think the medication I take is a cure and I shouldn't be so lazy and irresponsible. They don't and will never get it.

So my plan is to spend my waking hours at the library, bookstore, the mall....I get food stamps so I can buy non-perishables to eat and drink. I plan on sleeping in my car in the hotel parking lot at night where it's fairly safe. I will be homeless for three weeks until my unemployment kicks in, then I can afford a better hotel every week until I can figure out a way to pay for an expungement so I don't have a criminal record, pay for bankruptcy and hopefully qualify for an apartment. I'm trying to do it all on my own but I am so scared.

I'm ruined. I hurt. I'm alone. I'm ashamed. Yet I still go on....I don't know why and I don't know what else I can do....I'm so tired....yet I still go on....

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