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getting things off my chest

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Old 03-11-2012, 06:46 PM   #1
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 2
LostLiz HB User
getting things off my chest

Well to start off i am just doing this to get it out there

When I was 7 years old i lost my mom to a heroin overdose. I then started living with my crack addict dad and his girlfriend. They broke up and i moved to a place far from my true blood family, my dad worked 3-6 months at a time and only came to visit me for a week between every work period, at this time i was about 9. Around 10 i started realizing that i would never see my mother again, and what a deadbeat my dad has been. I started to cry myself to sleep every night wondering what was so wrong with me that my own parents didn't even want to be there for me. By the time i was 11 i had bulimia and i had started to dig in the medicine cabinet and combining anything with the word painkiller on it. I didn't understand depression or how to deal with grief and loss, i didn't know at that point what had caused my moms death. I was hurt confused and felt totally uncared for. when i was about 12 i started cutting myself (in hidden places) it took my emotional pain away and gave me a real reason to be upset. I never talked to anyone about it until my friends brother passed away when i was about 13 and she felt i was the only one who would understand, soon after i had finally found someone to confide in i got moved to a different city where i was bullied a lot. I tried smoking pot which is something i was always interested in, and i loved the all around happy, carefree, just good feeling i felt. I thought about things more rationally, i felt at peace with everything and i was so happy i found something that made me feel that way. Then someone told me to try ecstasy and that it was just like weed, it wasn't. I was then a drug addict from the ages of 14-17 i did everything from pills, coke, crack, and alcohol. I think i did them because i was covering up the pain i have felt and beause i didn't care if it killed me, i was okay with overdosing. I even remember some times where i probably should have overdosed but somehow woke up. I realized that what i was doing was stupid and i needed to get sober and healthy. I moved away on my own and tried to start a life with the bf i had at the time, we got into physical altercations almost daily so we split up. I was then falling back onto alcohol, i was alone and drunk for almost a year. When i met my fiance i sobered up haven't touched drugs since and had a beautiful baby girl during that time. I should be happy i have a wonderful man, a gorgeous daughter, and have just moved back to my mom's hometown. I guess the point of this is that i haven't come to terms with my moms passing, and i don't know how to. I can't figure out if moving to where she spent her last years and most of her life was a good idea or bad. I miss her and the only thing keeping me from doing anything stupid to myself is the fact that i wouldn't want to give my daughter the struggles i had. I guess to whoever is out there and dealing with anything like this, talk to someone if you haven't, anyone who will listen. I wish i did, this is the closest i have come. I guess i'm ashamed, and not prepared for what may be said. I wish i could take my own advice but i can't i am stubborn. Be strong people, the world is a beautiful place, there is always room for improvement i just didn't have anyone to help me until now.

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