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There IS Hope! (Long)

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Old 07-01-2013, 01:03 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Michigan, USA
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rainbowchicken HB User
There IS Hope! (Long)

Hello to all of you. I am new around to these forums. My name is Candra (Candy) I'm a 22 year young female. I've had an interesting life thus far. I had something very traumatic happen to me when I was 6 to 10 years old. I believe this has shaped how I am today, how it has affected my mental health. I experienced a great deal of Alice in Wonderland symptoms during those ages I said above. Luckily I outgrew them in my early teens. When I turned 14 I began isolating myself, I became addicted to the computer. I still attended school and would hang out with my friends there, but it was frightening to try to hang out with them outside of school. Around this time as well, I noticed I was feeling depressed. Maybe I used the word too loosely, but I did feel symptoms, and would take online tests that confirmed I was depressed. I didn't look too much into it. I did start seeing the counselor at school. I also gained a lot of weight during this time too.

Entering high school, I was still the same, but felt happier. I was still experiencing social anxiety, and was still heavy, but not depressed anymore. This lasted all of freshman year, but once 10th grade hit, my social anxiety was at it's peak because I started speech class. It was terrifying, and I even wanted to switch schools because of it, but I pushed myself through it and passed with a "B". Also I started Weight Watchers, and lost a significant amount of weight over 2 years. Then 11th grade came, and I wasn't exactly feeling the same anymore. I don't remember so much from this grade, I don't think much of anything significant happened. The summer before my senior year was the killer for me. I started slipping into this darkness, the loss of pleasure in all sorts of activities, the dark and morbid thoughts... My weight piled back on. I became a whole other being. I was not Candra anymore. Everything about me changed. I rarely smiled, rarely laughed. My skin was gray, my eyes were sad. My anxiety skyrocketed, and I was a mess. I lived with this feeling for about 4 months, then I finally broke and told my English teacher, he said he noticed something was wrong. I explained how I felt, and he took me to see the guidance counselor. She then helped me find a therapist.

I was 18 at this time. My therapist diagnosed me with depression, social and general anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorder. She recommended I start an antidepressant. My doctor started me on one, then another because the first didn't work. After the second AD didn't work she sent a referral to a psychiatrist.

I was still seeing my therapist, then started seeing a psychiatrist. My psych was very awesome. He started me on Effexor - I believe this to be the miracle drug for ME. I was also put on other various medications (too many to name). Over months things started getting a little better. I also had seen many different therapist cus either they were retiring, or getting new jobs in their fields, etc. My psychiatrist was going to be permanently on inpateint unit. I was devastated, but he referred me to another psychiatrist.

Things were a bit rocky to start with a new one. I still don't know how I truly feel about him. Sometimes I feel like we clicked other times, not so much.
I've been seeing this new psych for close to 3 years now I believe. I have been on so many different medication cocktails, but I think I've finally found the right combinations that work. My current diagnoses are: borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder, neuroticism, and general anxiety.

My social anxiety is much better ever since I started college and going through speech classes. It's still not perfect, but I'm not so afraid anymore. I still have moments where I experience depersonalization when in large crowds, but I can usually get through it instead of running away. I think the worse struggle now is dealing with BPD and the depression that comes a long with it. In general my depression has gotten a lot better. I actually see a light at the end of the tunnel most days. Trust me in the beginning there was nothing. It was dark, a deep dark hole, a blanket suffocating me. The depression took over my whole being, but not so much anymore. I am now trying to lose the weight I gained back, and literally need to lose about 155lbs to be at an average weight. It's a long journey, and it doesn't seem so hopeless anymore since I am not as depressed.

Trust me, I still have my days, days where I feel very depressed, but I try my damned best to not give power to it. I know I am stronger than depression. I have been fighting for years now to get my life back. While I know I'm not getting my old life back, I am here trying to recreate a new one. It's not perfect, and I know I will be on my medications for years to come, but my head is clearer, and I have realistic hopes and dreams that I know I can achieve. I am currently going to college to pursue my passion in psychology. I hope to become a clinical psychologist in the near future.

I just want to show you guys that there is hope, and this won't last forever. Always remember it has to get worse before better, and as bad as it feels now, and I know it feels really bad, it won't get worse than that. I swear it.

Last edited by Administrator; 07-02-2013 at 11:00 AM.

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