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A Losing Battle


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Old 12-16-2013, 07:57 PM   #1
RimRock8
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A Losing Battle

I've reached a turning point in my depression. But this is by no means a positive milestone. I've lost all hope that things will get better. It has gotten to the point where I feel as though my condition defines me as a person... that my depression is all I have.Years of therapy have done nothing more than work as a coping mechanism that provide me with a broader perspective as to why things are the way they are. But it does not ease the pain... it just gives me other ways to look at the misery, to take things less personally, I guess. To quote Nina Lacour... “The sun stopped shining for me is all. I am sad all the time and the sadness is so heavy that I can't get away from it. Not ever.”

I yearn for the hour of the night where everyone else in my family is in bed so that I can just wallow in my own misery. When alone, I no longer had to put on the facade that there id nothing wrong. As a depressive, trying to act like nothing is wrong and relate to people in a normal way requires a level of emotional energy that I no longer have. As time goes on, the more difficult this becomes.

I do not want to subject my family to my pathetic existence. My wife deserves a better husband... someone who can truly show his love for her. I have nothing to give in that department. I hate myself so much I cannot possibly give her the love that she deserves. And what kind of father can I possibly be? A father is supposed to provide emotional strength... discipline when needed, a hard shoulder to cry on, an authority figure to respect, but at the same time be fun loving... someone your family wants to be around. I am nothing but a weak jumbled mess of a human being and I feel sorry for my children for having to go through childhood with me as their father. For these reasons, it has gotten to the point where I honestly feel that I have nothing of value to offer my family.

My condition has overtaken my being. It had consumed me at every moment of my existence. I've lost all recollection of what it means to be truly happy and have resigned to the fact that, never again, will I ever be able to feel sincere happiness or contentment. Nor will I ever have the ability to make anyone else happy. That, by far, was the most devastating part of it all.

 
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