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food for thought


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Old 01-25-2014, 06:36 AM   #1
Jackx
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Exclamation food for thought

I've recently totally <messed> up at college, over Christmas and new year, I didn't want to be out with anybody, the girl I love moved to and I'll never see her ever again, the last thing she said to me whilst crying was to promise her that I'd move on, find a special someone even though we were both still in love.. She's now dating with her childhood friend, and it kills me to say this but I'm happy for her..

I've tried being with another girl, but other girls look <wrong to me>, it feels wrong to look at them like I used to look at her.. It's been nearly two years since I've had sex, I don't even <care> because to me, sex isn't a notch in a bed post, it isn't a chemical reaction, it's something you do with someone you love.. And I have no love left

I've been through depression too many times that it just drains me, I've got anxiety problems now, I live with my dad, and since all this happened, he barely realised I live in his apartment any more, I just sit in my room and gather dust..

People who used to bully me , give me a hard time, they have it so easy, nice cars their parents bought them, an attractive girlfriend, a genuine smile, these people don't deserve half of what they got, they did disturbing things to people and should be locked up..

The other week I was reading my little brother a bed time story, the generic line "and they all lived happily ever after" finished the story.. And as I tucked in my little brother, tussled his hair and left the room to go drink the last of my vodka, I thought about happiness..

And there isn't a bone in my body that wouldn't fight for happiness.. But I don't know which direction leads me there..but what I realized that night is that nobody gets a free ride, there's no reflection or a happy ending to this story I'm still going to end up finishing the book and wondering where my happy ending is..

There's not much point in trying to look up and think everything will get better.. nobody can say that for sure, not even me.. I don't want sympathy.. sometimes I don't even want the happy ending..

all that matters is that the probability of me existing, and i mean exactly genetically correct me.. is so slim.. and the probability of you reading this is even slimmer..

even just having an ending to the story is something.. and I'm gonna damn try my best to have a good one

and i hope everybody on this forum does too

Last edited by Administrator; 01-25-2014 at 07:47 AM.

 
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