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Getting off my shoulders

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Old 09-08-2014, 04:39 AM   #1
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Getting off my shoulders

Ok, this is going to be long, the english is not going to be perfect, but I really think it would be good share my story, let it all out.

So here we go.

I was born into a rich family, had it all, the future was supposed to be bright, I've had a pretty good life for the first years, but when I was about 5, things started to get worse, my family got bankrupted I was I suddenly poor, at this time offcourse, my mother went into deep depression, she was(is) chronically depressed, but that made it way worse. I was a kid, so I didn't care about money or that I had to live at my grandparents, because my parents lost everything they've got, but my mothers depression, the constant anxiety really took a toll on me, when I was about 6, I went to school, and I was shuned by the other kids and I was bullied by their parents, yep their parents, many people from the town I grew up in worked for my family having lost their jobs, they were offcourse angry and they lashed at me, called all sort of names, didn't let their kids even talk to me, at home I was playing the brave kid, to help my mom, my father's family had to run away to another country, because of debt and my father went overseas to work, I took all I got but I was able to help my mom, I think this was the time I got broken, so there I was a small child being bullied by adults, not a friend in the world and having to put a brave face to help my family, it was hard, but I developed some thick skin.

Years went by and things got better, I've changed schools and was able to get some friends, my family financial status got better, and I entered my teens, nothing remarkable here, but I knew I was not "normal", I had no sense of joy, everything was a struggle, other than that I apperead normal, I had good grades, was the best of my class, I did not got into to trouble, but I just went through the motions, not really expecting much out of life.

Then came college, never really felt motivated to go there, but it was the expected thing, stuff took a turn to the worse here, I moved out to another city and was able to start again, by this time I guess I was depressed, I've been acting for so long, I was restrained and I wanted to start fresh, I really, really wanted to feel something other then pain, anguish, despair and axiety, so I went for it, I've met a lot of new people, started partying hard, doing all sort drugs, pretty much I could get my hands on and went on a downward spiral and a vicious cycle, I could not stand the guilt, so I got numb to dull the pain, this made me feel more guilty and so I even did more partying, I was a mess, I just wanted to hit rock bottom at this time, I saw no way out, but after a few years, I decided to stood up and move on, it took every single bit of me, but I quited this lifestyle, was able to focus on college and got my degree eventualy.

After college I got a good job pretty easily and quickly, not a job that I particularly liked, but it was a good paying job, some of the guilt was gone, but the void I've always felt was still there, I've worked hard for the last year, got promoted a few times, and started counseling pretty much after my first paycheck, couldn't really afford it before that, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and chronic depression, tryed everything I could think of in those years, to get rid of the dark cloud, exercise, acunpulcture, medication, cbt, with time thins started to get a bit better, I felt I was still broken beyond repair, but I was able to function, I even tryed a relantionship at this time, but it didn't worked, so I never had a "real relantionship", a few casual, short term relantionships, but nothing else, I just could not be with someone, years of isolation had really made a number on me.

Fast foward to now, like I've said I've really worked hard, the problem with this is that I got promoted multiple times, so more responsability and more stress, and I really don't know how to cope with stress very well, about a year ago I had other health issues, urethral strictures, not life threatning problems, but this is really have been destroing me, stress, health problems, depression, I'm back on anxiety medication and antidepressents, it works to some extent, but I still feel broken and hopeless, is like I've been swiming my all life, searching for land and all I see is more and more water, I kept expecting that if I've struggled good things would happen, I would be happy someday, well happiness it's not a goal, it's something you feel, I've met people who were happy and were way worse then I was, and met people who were miserable and had everything, so after this many years, I've realized that I need to work on the inside, I need to fix or at least glue together what's broken, don't really think it's possible, somethings are broken beyond repair, but I'm still here and I will keep trying.

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