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    Old 06-24-2004, 01:02 PM   #16
    JenC523
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    Re: Got up the courage to tell Dr. about addiction to Soma

    Sarandipity:

    I read your post and it makes me want to reach out to you. You sound so frustrated and I completely understand how you feel. I was addicted to pain pills for years....I never took Soma, but what we take is really not that important, it's the fact that it takes over our lives. I tried many times to quit, cold turkey...taper...whatever. I was always really "strong" and convinced that I could get the pills out of my life whenver my supply was jeopardized. As I got to the bottom of each pill bottle, I would start talking the talk. "I can do this"....."I need to get off of these things now!"...."I want my life back".....you probably know the routine. I'd suffer through some withdrawals, and fight the battle and then.....I'd realize that I could get another supply, or I would have pills at my disposal and WHAM....back to square one...over and over and over and over. Even though nobody wanted to be clean more than myself....I could not do it. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone, I had already been through rehab a few years before. As far as my family knew, my life was back on track and I was happy as a lark. My husband had suspected I was using again and had confronted me....my comeback..."Don't worry Honey, things will never be like they were before. I have this under control, really, don't worry." I'll skip to the part where I was arrested for forging a script. I certainly can't get into everything that happened, it would take too long. But the whole time I had access to help, and had the opportunity to reach out for help....I didn't do it. Was I too proud? I don't even know, I think completely embarrassed is a better description. What would everyone think of me? Yikes. Have you ever judged anyone for stepping forward and being honest and reaching for help? I haven't, I actually always admired those people for having the guts to do that. You've heard it before- Some people have to hit rock bottom before thay get clean. That's exactly what happened to me. You have to know that reaching out for help is a sign of stength, NOT a sign of weakness. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your family/friends, but you do need a support system. You are right, if you don't have to be accountable to anyone, it's a whole lot easier to mess up. I have been clean for 4 years. I had completely forgotten what life was like without my little "friends." It's not always easy, but it is better, I feel such relief just by not having to tell the lies, and playing the game any longer. Even living with the legal consequences of my situation is far better than my life being run by pain pills. Everything I longed for when I was using, has happened to me in "sobriety." Go figure. I wish you the best, and please consider taking a step forward and asking for help, or by telling a loved one. It will be the first 50 lbs off your back. Hang in there, the fight is worth it. Jen

     
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    Old 06-25-2004, 01:28 PM   #17
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    Lightbulb Re: Got up the courage to tell Dr. about addiction to Soma

    [FONT=Tahoma]Jen,
    WOW! You really are inside my head! I feel relieved that someone replied back to me. I wont tell anyone because I dont want to quit deep down inside. I KNOW it's taken my life over. I KNOW I have to stop. Im scared, and alone, have children, and a special situation. I cannot take the chance of certain people knowing. I wish I could say I was going on vacation (to my job and everyone else) and check myself into a 7 day rehab, with on going out patient care. Im scared as hell.
    I love how you are brutally honest. Can you give my any suggestions? Have you read the book "cracked" by drew pinsky? It made me reallize I was taking pills for more than pain. I am taking them to run from my problems. I have to get back to work. Please feel free to write back. You have a sense of humor, I can see that just by reading what you wrote. Thank you Jen![/FONT]
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    Old 06-25-2004, 04:41 PM   #18
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    Re: Got up the courage to tell Dr. about addiction to Soma

    Sarandipity:

    Hi there....I have sat here and thought about you for a while now....I do not know what your "special situation" is, and I certainly am not asking you to tell me, but without knowing what and how that relates to you getting help, I'm not sure what to suggest. This is getting a little scarey because I too had a very "special situation" and I risked EVERYTHING if certain people found out about my arrest/record. Now, I thought that if I had told those people about my addiction, that would be a huge risk. But looking back on it now, I feel those people would have accepted my situation with genuine concern. You know "Sarandipity".....when we are using, we feel like crap, dirt, low, low, low. And we feel that if anyone finds out about our dirty little secret, they will look down upon us, and judge us, and...who knows what else! You just have to believe and trust that the people who truly know you (and hopefully love you) will not turn you away in disgust. They will open their arms and wrap you in them, and perhaps for the first time, you will realize that you have underestimated a lot of people. I don't know if you're married, but I am, and even after all the hell I've put my husband through, he's still by my side. I have children too, and they don't know a thing about my situation, one of them is too young, but the other one is a teenager and would understand the basics, but we have not told him any part of my story, not yet, I will share it with him someday, but not yet. If you are thinking like I used to think, you might be thinking....I can't leave my kids while I'm in rehab, maybe you don't have anyone to care for them? I'll lose my job, or....probably all of my coworkers' respect. The point is, you can always find a reason not to get help. If that is the case, you will have to wait until you are in a situation that leaves you no choice. The choices will all be made for you, and you will have no say in how things are done. (Hitting rock bottom as some of us call it) I have honestly been thinking about how you can take that first step....and really all I can think of for now is to perhaps start seeing a therapist/counselor. Try to find one that has experience with addiction or substance abuse, you could possibly call a rehab or a hospital in your area and ask for a name of someone. If you have insurance, call them and ask them for a name (don't worry, it's all confidential) Try to get an appt asap and open yourself up to someone, hopefully it will be someone you feel comfortable with. The most important thing....BE HONEST...forget the game playing and the little lies somewhere else and get honest with someone. Tell them about your "special situation", and ask them to help taper off the pills (if they need medical info/help, they can get it). Get some answers or explore the reason why you take the pills, like you mentioned that you read in that book. Getting off the pills is far easier than staying off the pills, and in order to do that part, we have to understand what it is we are trying to "bury" with the pills. Okay...I am really starting to ramble here....I just want you to take that first step. I'm sure deep down inside you don't want to give them up, they're your best friends. That always got to me too...thinking long term.."You mean I can NEVER have another pain pill?????" Oh my God!!!! Don't do that to yourself. Just take things one step at a time, when you do, things tend to work out in the end. I've had surgery since getting off the pills, and I still had pain meds with it. But I was actually done with the meds within a week or so after the surgery, that's it, just like a normal person! Try not to look at such a big picture, that will just defeat any kind of hope you have. Think about this over the weekend, how will you start getting help? Your kids deserve a mom that will do anything for the sake of their happiness and safety. (That was not a dig to make you feel guilty, really, but you have to think about them) Anyway, I've gone on long enough. I will do anything I can to help you, anything at all, and I do mean that. You can write back to me (we should probably start a new thread) or ask me anything you want. Please take care, I am thinking of you. Jen

     
    Old 06-27-2004, 04:23 PM   #19
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    Wink Re: Got up the courage to tell Dr. about addiction to Soma

    Jen! Your last thread made me laugh and think about a lot of things too! You have such a way for words as well as a great sense of humor. I will start out by telling you I wrote you a 2 pager last night when I got home from church telling you all about my background, when I was done it said I was not logged in. I was so bummed and did not have enough time to write a new one. So... heres a quick background... I am divorced. I have a 2 yr old and a 7 yr old. When I was preg. w/ the 2 year old- overnight I started having severe back pain. I went to the doc and was put on meds. After she was born I had an MRI done, that showed I have a herniated, degen. disk in my lower back. I had surgery and felt a little better but the doc wants to do a fusion on me but wont until my 2 yr old gets older b/c you can't pick anything up for 9 months, (anything heavy) I still pick up my 7 year old and swing her around- like that will ever stop! So anyway, I started dating someone else and all of a sudden my ex hus who had been smoking pot everyday, who I tried to take to NA meetings, who verbally abused me for 5 years, who would lie to me about EVERYTHING, (I think it's called a path. lier) all of a sudden saw me happy again wanted me back. We have been divorced for a yr and half and now he is out right stalking me. Anyway, I am still taking meds for my back in which I do everything else to make it better as well... such as 2 chiropratic appts each week, phys therapy and walk on treadmill. I have a very demanding job plus 2 kids to raise by myself so as soon as 5 oclock hits.... and I want into my house... I start popping the pills to escape from my problems. It worked until I found myself needing more to get me to the same "high" I got from the first time. I saw someone close to me go through rehab. I helped him through it, and when he was clean and going to weekly AA meetings I saw myself a mess. I didn't feel good anymore, I didn't look good anymore, I was always tired in the mornings not to mension the horrible pain I was going through w/ my back. Finally I ran out of pills and went through w/d from soma and ambien. OH GOD IT WAS LIKE LIVING IN A BLACK WORLD. I had shakes, could not sleep, was depressed, and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I went to the women doc if you know what I mean... for an yearly pap, they took my blood pressure and it was like 160 over 80. I did not know it at the time but I should have been wearing a patch. I went to work everyday after not getting ANY sleep for 4 days. I would cry at night and around my kids act like nothing was wrong. Just like you I plan to tell them someday when they are older. My friend who went to rehab gave me a book called cracked. It was honestly the best book Ive ever read in my life. Anyway, I read it at the end of my w/d's on the 7th to 10th day and it was perfect! Now, Im taking 2 soma's a day, 4 hydros a day, and NO ambien. I am sleeping. It is a miracle. Your last post saying "Its the weekend, you have time to think" made me make up my mind to go to the very FIRST AA MEETING FOR MYSELF TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was mostly guys in there and only 3 girls. I read part of the BIG BOOK, and wrote down the 12 steps. My main reason for wanting to stop popping pills is for my beautiful sweets souls I have running around the house who are as funny and as crazy and beautiful as anything in this entire world. I want to be there for them for everything. I don't want to miss a thing. I am going to do the 12 steps, see a counselor through my insurance at work, and I have told two people this weekend that pills have a hold of my life. One of them said they would hold my pills for me so that it's monitored for my pain from the fusion I need. I am so thankful for you Jen. You shared some things that were very personal to you (by the way the president's neice called in a fake Rx and was arrested at the drugstore when she tryed to pick them up.) I wanted to ask you if you will please be one of the people who will hold me accountable for my actions. The great thing about this healthboard is that I can be completey honest without you judging me. I have a lot of respect for you for being sober for four years. And I am so proud of your husband for sticking next to you. If you have any ideas that will help me, please let me know. Today Im fine, but tomorrow or the next day or next week when I can re fill my ambien Rx might be a different story. Please share anything you can with me. One thing I noticed while I was in this AA meeting his that I had no emotion. Maybe I havent been broken yet. I didnt even cry! I am taking 10 mg Lexapro which I think is helping. My doctor said when you have severe back pain like a degen disk, it throws your seratonin off and the Lexapro helps to even it out. I have exactly 45 minutes to clean the house before my ex husband brings my kids home so I have to run. Hey Jen... thanks again for listening. BTW... Sara is not my name. Serendipity is my favorate movie and Sara is the leading role in the movie, thats how I came up w/ Sarandipity! Have a wonderful week! If anyone is reading this who is need of answers. Try reading that book, it helped me to realize that issues in my childhood need to be addressed before I can get better. TTYL Jen! Regards, SarandipityPS. I have no idea how to start a new thread, maybe you can help me!
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    Old 06-29-2004, 04:43 PM   #20
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    Re: Got up the courage to tell Dr. about addiction to Soma

    Hey there Sarandipity:

    Thank you so much for all of your kind words....really. All I am trying to do is reach out, not preach or judge, just offer whatever it is that you may need to give up those nasty little "friends." I am so, so, so proud of you....way to go! I don't care what anyone says, walking into an AA meeting for the first time is a little daunting.Don't worry about how you reacted in the meeting. You've probably heard it a hundred times just on these boards alone- "take what you need or what helps you from the meetings and leave the rest." I myself only have attended NA meetings, and I must admit they aren't for me. I have gone to probably 15-20 meetings in all, but just never felt as though I was gaining a thing by going. One of the meetings in particular was almost a pick-up spot for singles. I met several very nice people along the way, but I had a lot of problems opening up in front of a group of virtual strangers. That is just my own personal hang-up. I found it strange that I was there to promote (for lack of a better word) my recovery; but I would spend at least an hour or more listening to people complain about work, or their boss, or their girlfriend, etc. I am certain that all of those problems attribute to using, however, I always felt I would do much better in a much more positive environment. Even though I have had trouble opening up in a group setting, I have been fortunate in having a wonderful experience with group "therapy" through the office of my addictionologist. With the help and ecouragement of a great therapist, I was able to REALLY open up and share some very personal things. It took me a while to get there, but once I finally let my guard down and completely laid it all out there, that was when I really started to understand myself, and why I got so wrapped up in pills. Okay, I really got off track here.....sorry....I hope that these meetings are helpful to you, God knows there are millions of people who have been helped immensely by the 12 Step Program and attending meetings. You must do WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. Follow your heart, you know yourself (kinda?) and you know what it's going to take to help you. The fact that you are taking some steps toward a recovery path is very cool.
    It sounds as though you have some major things going on in your life right now, the stalking thing alone....scarey. The thing is, even if your life rids itself of all it's ugly problems...you'd probably still take the pills. The problems don't cause the addiction, it's how we deal with the problems. (or in some cases, how we don't deal with them) You have much to work through, and I'm sure that seeing a good therapist/counselor like you said would be a huge help to you. And if he/she is a weirdo, switch, see a different therapist.
    I'm not clear on what you want to ultimately achieve....do you want to be off of everything? Do you want to just take certain meds? It's very difficult to keep things in control when you're an addict, like pain management. I too had pain management issues, but to be honest, once I was finally off of everything, I was amazed at how effective ibuprofen is! Anyway, if you are comfortable sharing this with me, I'd like to know what you are looking to change. I actually had more I wanted to "discuss" - but my kids are waiting for me outside, so gotta run. Please take care, I am thinking about you and hoping that you are doing okay. This saying I do believe in..."One day at a time..." (and if necessary, one hour at a time) Fondly, Jen

     
    Old 06-29-2004, 06:27 PM   #21
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    Post Re: Got up the courage to tell Dr. about addiction to Soma

    [SIZE=1]Jen,
    Thanks for asking... hmmmmm what am I looking to get out of this... what is my goal? Foremost is to fix, talk about, get out in the open what is ailling me about men. I have a good idea I don't pick the right ones b/c my Dad was never home when I was growing up, second- I found out I was adopted when I was a newborn (I met my bio parents and my Dad is the one who did not want me, so my Mom put me up adoption-thats a good story for a different day when my kids are with their dad.) and third, my first boyfriend whom I dated for 4 years phys. beat me up twice. So, as you can see my choices have been bad and I am not dating anyone now until I can get myself strait. I have deep rooted hurt that I think Im covering up with the pills. OK next, (I feel selfish right not talking about myself) My goal is to get my back fixed where Im experiencing no pain. Right now as always I feel like a knife is sticking in my lower back where the si joint is. My doc said it could be the pain radiating from my missing disc. Ive tried everything and spent lots and lots of money on phys. ther., surgery, special pillow, si joint belt, chiro appt. (they are 160. a visit) but 20 co pay. I found a lady who will charge 40. a visit w/o insurance and she is GOOD. Anyway, my point is it adds up and then combine that w/ the stress of raising 2 kids, (the 2 year old is giving me a run for my money) my mom said she is just like me when I was little. My other one is having trouble in reading and writing so I have a tudor for her and she goes to summer school. OKAY now Ive drifted off. Sorry. MY GOAL IS TO GET MY BACK FIXED, FIND OUT HOW TO DEAL WITH THE PAINS I HAVE FROM CHILDHOOD, AND STOP RELYING ON PILLS TO FORGET ABOUT MY PROBLEMS. You would be proud... Since I stopped taking ambien, I have started working out everyday for 30 minutes on the treadmill, I am giving my daughter's gymnastic classes. ( I took gymnastics for 9 years and stopped when I was 15, so I still remember all the moves ) I am working much harder and am more focused at work. I even started making a mental note of the people I have wronged (step 4.) I am keeping very busy. BUT.... THE CRAVINGS FOR Ambien are not going away. ITs like Im looking at the calendar saying to myself, only 15 more days! I can get my super good high again. OH! You made a very good point when you made the comment about the therapist. I have a very keen sense of people in general. I get the feeling I cannot trust her to tell her what is going on, I cant be honest w/ her so yes, I do need to find someone else. It's just she knows all my history, my ex husband and I used to go to her for counseling. She knows about my children. I went to see her for ways to get organized being a single parent. Gosh Im talking away and just looked at the clock, gotta go put my kids to bed It's 8:15 and they go to bed at 8:00.
    [B]Hey Jen.... can you tell me any personal experiences you went through and anything that you have learned. I will never judge you or think anything less of you. I have a very open mind and like I said the other night when I came back from my AA meeting... I could not cry- I had no emotion. It's like my soul is surrounded by a solid protector that nothing can get through it.[/B] Its weird. I like how you ended your last thread... Fondly, Ive never heard that before. Goodnight, sleep with the angels... ]Sarandipity
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    Last edited by Sarandipity; 06-29-2004 at 06:29 PM. Reason: text too small

     
    Old 06-29-2004, 06:36 PM   #22
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    Smile Re: Got up the courage to tell Dr. about addiction to Soma

    Ms. Jen... P.S. I hope you... you husband, and your kids are doing great. Im sorry I got so caught up in myself when Im talking about my problems. I forgot to say that. I hope you all are doing fine!
    ... Sarandipity
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    Old 07-03-2004, 10:25 AM   #23
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    Re: Got up the courage to tell Dr. about addiction to Soma

    Jen, How are you? Im not so good. I slipped and took an Ambien two nights in a row. Feeling bad about myself.
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    Old 07-05-2004, 07:13 AM   #24
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    Re: Got up the courage to tell Dr. about addiction to Soma

    Sarandipity:

    Hi Sweetie, sorry...I haven't been around for a few days...but that's not to say that I haven't been thinking about you. Listen, don't beat yourself up. This addiction crud is really, really tough to get a handle on. I don't have a whole lot of time to post right now, but just wanted to let you know that I was looking for you on here. When you have the time (and if you feel like sharing) write back to me and if you can, tell me why you think you "slipped." Just try to think it over, and see if you notice any red flags. I do have one question, did you refill your Ambien?? I thought you were out of them, because you had mentioned you only had (I think) 15 days until you could get the Ambien again. Hey, no need for excuses or explanations here....I'm only wondering what you've been going through...trust me...I judge NOBODY. Just be honest, it's the only way you will get ahead. I hope to hear from you soon...share whatever you are willing to share with me. I will and want to help you in whatever way I can. Fondly, Jen

     
    Old 07-05-2004, 09:04 AM   #25
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    Post Re: Got up the courage to tell Dr. about addiction to Soma

    Jen,
    Hi! How are you? Well I hope. I want you to know I e-mailed a doctor on Friday to get an appt for my back... I have been taking step to get better.
    I told someone about my addiction in my bible study class. He did not judge me. (At least I don't think he did.) I also posted on the "BACK PROBLEMS" board and the "PAIN MANAGEMENT" board to find out if anyone else has gone through the same thing as myself. See.. I have three problems... 1/ my back pain 2/ my addiction and 3/ my hang up's I still have about my family.
    Here's what I posted:

    Im in a tough situation. Im a single mother with 2 small children. The orthopeed's are not giving me any answers. I am in a bind because Im in pain all of the time. I have to be happy and healthy for myself and for my kids. It's sometimes hard to smile when my eyes are watering because Im in so much pain. Can anyone help me? Ive heard the patch is good but I don't know what it's called. Here is what's going on:

    Body structure- small build, muscular, weight 110
    Complaint: Severe lower back pain. Mainly right side si joint area, pain radiates towards upper back, down right leg, and towards the middle of back where L5S1 disc is located.

    Date, onset of pain:
    April 2001- (6 months pregnant) gained 57 pounds.
    October 2001- MRI- showed L5SI disc degeneration, and left side herniation
    December 2001- 1st Chiropractic appt, outcome - relief for 5 hours at best
    January 2002- Lamanectomy on left side, outcome- no more pain down left side of leg although worsened si joint dysfunction on right side.
    March 2002- Continued Chiropractic appts once a week
    March 2002- Pool physical therapy
    July 2002- Tummy strengthening physical therapy w/excercise balls
    August 2002- Started seeing Chiropractor twice a week for the next 2 years (until June 2004) outcome- relief for a couple of hours, max (Chiro said Im always short on my right side a half an inch- my sacrum turns to the left leaving my right leg short which causes all of the nerves to be jammed
    August 2002- Disco gram
    September 2002- Steroid shot inside of si joint, outcome- relief for 24 hours then back to stabbing pain in si joint
    March 2004- MRI- showed continued disc degeneration (doctor's advice- si joint operation has not shown to be beneficial or successful- does not want to do fusion at this time b/c has child 2 yrs old and single mother- does not advise lifting anything heavy for 9 months after fusion)
    outcome- back strengthening exercises.
    July 2004- Doctor gave Rx for Mackenzie Method, and rental of stem cell electrode device.
    Currently- Seeing Chiropractor once a week, outcome- relief for 12-24 hours.

    Medications currently taking:
    Hydrocodone- 10 mg 4 times a day (every 4 hours)
    Soma 350 mg- 2 a day, (morning and night)
    Ibuprofen 100 mg- 6 a day (every two hours)
    Ambien 10 mg- once at night

    I am crying out for help. I have to take a HOT bath every morning just so I can fuction to get ready for work. I have to take 2 Ibuprofen's and 1 Hydrocodone or I cannot even stand up all the way strait in the a.m.'s.
    Iv'e tried the ice-packs for 20 minutes and then switching to heat for 15 minutes so that the blood will circulate better. I bought a computer carrier with wheels so that Im not carrying anything heavy. I DO have to pick up my 2 year old, (she's so dad gum cute- how could I resist), I do have to walk up a flight of stairs w/ groceries etc. I get massages every now and then, I do work out; walk on treadmill, sit up's lower back excercises with good posture. As you can see, Im at my wit's end. Picture a single mother doing all these things while raising a 2 yr old, and 7 yr old, working full time at a demanding job where I do have to travel, being the "car pool" everyday, grocery shopping, cooking, doing laundry, going to Church, having slumber parties, attending school outings, entertaning clients. I am a Mother, a daughter, a sister, a best friend, a co- worker, and I used to be an athelete. Im sure If I were not in this horrible pain I would be smiling a lot more. If anyone out there has any answers, suggesstions, advice, comments, name of books, ANYTHING- Please Im needing your help. I notice a change in myself when Im in this much pain. I know my kid's do. It's just not supose to be like this where Doctors are no help at all but have had no problem in taking my money.
    DEAR JEN:
    As far as me slipping? I had a craving to lose my problems. I don't have the luxury to just "go" to a meeting. I have kids, Im the sole caretaker except for every other weekend.

    But, Jen, I do feel SO bad that I did it for two nights, and they were only samples, I don't have anymore and I have not taken anything in two nights...
    I feel good again, and just those two little times.. I felt groggy and tired and of course mad at myself the next day.

    Like you said an older thread you sent to me... that sticks in my head is "when you were using pills, you never realized how good it could be without them."

    You asked me what I was going through to make me want to take those pills again? Well, my ex husband as usual was putting presure on me to do something as a "family" for the 4th. Also and more importantly I was dating a guy with whom I told about my addiction and he is the one who took me to my first meeting or showed me where it was. Well, I had told him I did not want a relationship with him because he has a lot to fix in his life as well. He has not had a job in over 8 months. (I mensioned to him to just get a job anywhere until you can find the "real" job you want and he practically bit my head off.) He went to rehab for himself and has been clean since November. I asked him if we could be friends so that I could work on myself and get well. (I knew I could not handle trying to fix my problems when he was depressed and sad all the time and down about everything because of the no job situation and the battle over alcohol himself.) So.. he promised to help me with no strings attached. He did not keep his promise and he started to put a lot of pressure on me. I was mad at myself for letting him in my life again and knowing that it was impossible to be "just friends" with him after dating him.

    I got even more mad at myself when I took those Ambien. They were "samples" I got. I thought I would just keep them in the house for emergencies like not being able to sleep when my back was hurting but we both know that's a joke!

    Jen, I promise I will set up an appt with a NEW counselor tomorrow. That will be my promise to you. And that I tell this counselor about my addiction.

    This was long! Im sorry- YOU ASKED ! LOL ! I hope you enjoy the rest of the 4th weekend. Im taking the girls swimming right now.

    THANK YOU FOR NOT JUDGING ME! Any Advice?
    __________________
    "I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
    -Sara

     
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