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    Old 07-08-2004, 11:51 PM   #1
    venus21
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    Time to tell my (LONG) story...

    Hello Everyone. I have been lurking around on this board for about a year or so now, but I have been kind of afraid to post, afraid I wouldn't fit in or something. I feel that it is now a good time for me to start posting, and to tell my story in case anyone is interested. It is feels particularly important for me to start posting now, because I think I am finally ready to quit my pill habit of about 100 mgs of hydrocodone per day (about 10 norco 10's or 20 vicodins).

    I will start with a little bit of background about myself and my past drug use, and then get into my current situation. I am a 22 year old female. I have been using drugs or alcohol for what feels like most of my life. As early as about 11 or 12 years old, I was drinking and experimenting with pot and acid. In high school I drank very heavily, getting drunk on a bottle of vodka just about everyday. I also used meth during high school, but quit that completely a couple of years ago. After graduating, my drinking got increasingly heavy. I began college (I am now a senior in college, graduating this year), and somehow managed to do extremely well in school while drinking about 12 shots of vodka a night. I also used prescription drugs occasionally (I do have bad headaches for which I have been prescribed hydrocodone, and I have anxiety for which I have been prescribed klonopin and xanax). So basically, to the outside world it looked as if I cleaned up my life (with the success in school and all that), while my personal life was a mess, and I didn't even remember the end of most nights.

    About a year ago, everything changed, when I was introduced to oxycontin. Using prescription painkillers seemed to be the answer to all of my problems. I was able to stop drinking almost completely (even know I almost never drink), which was a huge relief. I felt free from my anxiety disorder for the first time in my life thanks to the painkillers, and I had a huge amount of energy to do schoolwork, work two jobs, and all of that. For some reason, I finally felt in control of my life. Unlike other drugs that I abused in the past, the pills gave me the illusion that I was thinking clearly, in fact, thinking in a more clear and relaxed way then I normally would. I fell in love, basically, and pills became my absolute drug of choice. I used oxycontin and morphine for about 6 months, which I obtained illegally. My supplier eventually went to jail, and I was left with the hydrocodone that I get for my headaches. I turned to online pharmacies to supply noco 10's, which came to replace the other pills. At first I was able to maintain my addiction with about 4 pills a day (40 mgs hydro), I split the pills in half and took them throughout the day so they would last longer. I can not believe how fast the addiction escalates. I still try to maintain only taking 10 a day (even this amount is much more than I can afford, and I am having trouble keeping up), but I could easily take more.

    I have been wanting to stop for a while now. For one thing, I know I can not continue on like this. It is constant work to try to get more, make sure they arrive before I run out, etc. I am always counting and always thinking about it. I don't have the money for this, and it is just getting out of control. Before I know it, at this pace I am afraid I will need 20 or 30 pills to get through the day, and that is basically not possible for me to do. I just can't keep up anymore, and I am scared and tired of this. Plus, I want to be healthy. I know I am hurting myself. And the feeling that I have to keep getting them, because I work everyday and I am scared of getting sick and not being able to work if I don't have them is just so stressful and makes me feel ashamed. I want to feel like a normal 22 year old girl, not someone who needs something just to get through the day and feel normal. No one really knows about this either ( a couple people do, but not my boyfriend or my parents...my boyfriend thinks I quit when the oxycontin ran out). I am scared of the legal issues involved in all of these OP's, and I am just frightened about the whole thing. I feel like I can't go on like this, but I am afraid to stop. I love them, and I love the feeling of the pills, which makes it even harder. I will tell myself that it is time to quit, and I will get all prepared too, and really want to, but then after the first day, I just start to feel so horrible, and I am just DRAGGING myself through work, I am so exhausted and in so much pain, and then the mental anxiety and cravings start and I just become FRANTIC to get more. The fact that I work two jobs and can NOT afford to miss work or lose either job (and they aren't too understanding about time off) just adds to my stress so much. I feel that if I could get like, a weeks vacation and hide from the world it would be so much easier. I just don't have the energy to work when I am quitting.

    I also struggle with not knowing if I should quit completely cold turkey, or if I should use a couple of pills to get through it, or what. If I try to quit when I don't have any pills on hand at all, for some reason that just drives me crazy. In the year I have been using pills, I have never completely gone all the way through withdrawal. So, basically, I just feel like I need a couple pills on hand, in case it gets too bad and I need to get through work or something like that. I know that is probably just an excuse, but then if I don't have any pills at all and I panic and order a whole new bottle that won't help either, so it is hard to know what is best.

    Anyway, this is what I have been struggling with. I am only 22, and basically I do not even know what it is like to be sober anymore. I have managed to make it through my various addictions with vary little consequences on the outside (no arrests, good in school, good at work, etc), but personally I am a mess. I feel like for the first time in my life I am ready to try sobriety, and I am ready to stop these pills. I know that I NEED to stop these pills, because things are escalating really fast, and soon I am going to get in some serious trouble or something. Plus, the stress of always thinking about this is just too much, I want to be free. One of the main OPs I use just cancelled my order a couple days ago, and now I don't think I even will be able to get anything for a while. So, I am taking this as a sign that now is the time. I only have about a three day supply left, so I am not sure if I should take them for three days and stop cold turkey, or if I should taper down dramatically or what. I guess I just had to get all of this stuff off of my chest, and tell SOMEONE, because it is basically all that I think about, yet I can't really talk about it with anyone, at least not anyone that understands. Plus, after a year of reading all of your posts everyday, I feel like I know some of you so well, and I wanted to give you a chance to know me too. I am new at this whole self-disclosure, internet thing, and a little scared, but hopefully some of you will read this, and maybe even respond. Any input or advice or any comments at all would be welcome. It feels really good to finally say all of these things that have been on my mind. I guess that is all for now, sorry this is so long.

    venus21

    Last edited by venus21; 07-08-2004 at 11:54 PM.

     
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    Old 07-09-2004, 12:41 AM   #2
    formygirls3
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    Re: Time to tell my (LONG) story...

    venus,
    Congrats on taking the first step, and admiting you have a problem, realizing and believing I have a problem was bad 4 me and took along time to admit it.
    Is there a Dr. or someone you can confide in? They can give you things to make the detox eaiser. I would get rid of all pills, just setting your self up for even wose cravings by using them when its "to bad". That is my opinion only, and im sure others have different. I could not stay clean after a detox so I chose the suboxone route, which may be an option for you if you are a chronic relapser.
    Best of luck
    Teresa

     
    Old 07-09-2004, 03:39 AM   #3
    lisaaahubb
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    Re: Time to tell my (LONG) story...

    Hey Venus....Gosh, this disease doesn't discriminate, that is for sure!!!!
    Seeing that you are so young, and you are admitting your problem NOW, i think in a few months you will be bouncing back and full of life. Just know, that you WILL feel some discomfort. If you only have a 3 day supply, i would just use these next few days to prepare for the w/d....i would see a Dr. and tell him that you are addicted and want OFF!!! They will give you meds to get thru it. I am not able to ever get a day off as well, but did go cold turkey off of oxy, percs, and vikes. It seemed in the end the vikes, were just warding off w/d and that warm fuzzy feeling was gone, gone, gone! Well I managed a whole household, and taking care of 3 kids, my neice and step son. It can be done. In my opinion the key is to keep as busy as possible, and eat small, take some vitamins and immodium as soon as the stomach issues start...then plan to attend some meetings, NA OR AA by about day 4 or 5. Honestly the physical part isn't all that bad, it is the mental aspect, when the sickness is over that is hard to work thru. You will need support, don't think that you can do this by yourself. Reach out like you did on this board. I will help any way possible. You are so young, and you are going to see that life is soooooooooo much better w/out the craziness of pills. I promise. Hope to hear from you again soon.....
    luv,
    LISA

     
    Old 07-09-2004, 05:07 AM   #4
    windysan
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    Re: Time to tell my (LONG) story...

    Detox and Rehab.

    Do it while you can. Just get your folks to help you line up a detox and a rehab and go in. Stay for 28 days or more if you need it. You took the 1st step now you need recovery boot camp (rehab). Do it today before you dig your hole deeper. It isn't that difficult to go in.....the decision is the hard part. Sounds like you are ready. Good luck.

     
    Old 07-09-2004, 07:12 AM   #5
    thomas63
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    Re: Time to tell my (LONG) story...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by venus21
    Hello Everyone. I have been lurking around on this board for about a year or so now, but I have been kind of afraid to post, afraid I wouldn't fit in or something. I feel that it is now a good time for me to start posting, and to tell my story in case anyone is interested. It is feels particularly important for me to start posting now, because I think I am finally ready to quit my pill habit of about 100 mgs of hydrocodone per day (about 10 norco 10's or 20 vicodins).

    I will start with a little bit of background about myself and my past drug use, and then get into my current situation. I am a 22 year old female. I have been using drugs or alcohol for what feels like most of my life. As early as about 11 or 12 years old, I was drinking and experimenting with pot and acid. In high school I drank very heavily, getting drunk on a bottle of vodka just about everyday. I also used meth during high school, but quit that completely a couple of years ago. After graduating, my drinking got increasingly heavy. I began college (I am now a senior in college, graduating this year), and somehow managed to do extremely well in school while drinking about 12 shots of vodka a night. I also used prescription drugs occasionally (I do have bad headaches for which I have been prescribed hydrocodone, and I have anxiety for which I have been prescribed klonopin and xanax). So basically, to the outside world it looked as if I cleaned up my life (with the success in school and all that), while my personal life was a mess, and I didn't even remember the end of most nights.

    About a year ago, everything changed, when I was introduced to oxycontin. Using prescription painkillers seemed to be the answer to all of my problems. I was able to stop drinking almost completely (even know I almost never drink), which was a huge relief. I felt free from my anxiety disorder for the first time in my life thanks to the painkillers, and I had a huge amount of energy to do schoolwork, work two jobs, and all of that. For some reason, I finally felt in control of my life. Unlike other drugs that I abused in the past, the pills gave me the illusion that I was thinking clearly, in fact, thinking in a more clear and relaxed way then I normally would. I fell in love, basically, and pills became my absolute drug of choice. I used oxycontin and morphine for about 6 months, which I obtained illegally. My supplier eventually went to jail, and I was left with the hydrocodone that I get for my headaches. I turned to online pharmacies to supply noco 10's, which came to replace the other pills. At first I was able to maintain my addiction with about 4 pills a day (40 mgs hydro), I split the pills in half and took them throughout the day so they would last longer. I can not believe how fast the addiction escalates. I still try to maintain only taking 10 a day (even this amount is much more than I can afford, and I am having trouble keeping up), but I could easily take more.

    I have been wanting to stop for a while now. For one thing, I know I can not continue on like this. It is constant work to try to get more, make sure they arrive before I run out, etc. I am always counting and always thinking about it. I don't have the money for this, and it is just getting out of control. Before I know it, at this pace I am afraid I will need 20 or 30 pills to get through the day, and that is basically not possible for me to do. I just can't keep up anymore, and I am scared and tired of this. Plus, I want to be healthy. I know I am hurting myself. And the feeling that I have to keep getting them, because I work everyday and I am scared of getting sick and not being able to work if I don't have them is just so stressful and makes me feel ashamed. I want to feel like a normal 22 year old girl, not someone who needs something just to get through the day and feel normal. No one really knows about this either ( a couple people do, but not my boyfriend or my parents...my boyfriend thinks I quit when the oxycontin ran out). I am scared of the legal issues involved in all of these OP's, and I am just frightened about the whole thing. I feel like I can't go on like this, but I am afraid to stop. I love them, and I love the feeling of the pills, which makes it even harder. I will tell myself that it is time to quit, and I will get all prepared too, and really want to, but then after the first day, I just start to feel so horrible, and I am just DRAGGING myself through work, I am so exhausted and in so much pain, and then the mental anxiety and cravings start and I just become FRANTIC to get more. The fact that I work two jobs and can NOT afford to miss work or lose either job (and they aren't too understanding about time off) just adds to my stress so much. I feel that if I could get like, a weeks vacation and hide from the world it would be so much easier. I just don't have the energy to work when I am quitting.

    I also struggle with not knowing if I should quit completely cold turkey, or if I should use a couple of pills to get through it, or what. If I try to quit when I don't have any pills on hand at all, for some reason that just drives me crazy. In the year I have been using pills, I have never completely gone all the way through withdrawal. So, basically, I just feel like I need a couple pills on hand, in case it gets too bad and I need to get through work or something like that. I know that is probably just an excuse, but then if I don't have any pills at all and I panic and order a whole new bottle that won't help either, so it is hard to know what is best.

    Anyway, this is what I have been struggling with. I am only 22, and basically I do not even know what it is like to be sober anymore. I have managed to make it through my various addictions with vary little consequences on the outside (no arrests, good in school, good at work, etc), but personally I am a mess. I feel like for the first time in my life I am ready to try sobriety, and I am ready to stop these pills. I know that I NEED to stop these pills, because things are escalating really fast, and soon I am going to get in some serious trouble or something. Plus, the stress of always thinking about this is just too much, I want to be free. One of the main OPs I use just cancelled my order a couple days ago, and now I don't think I even will be able to get anything for a while. So, I am taking this as a sign that now is the time. I only have about a three day supply left, so I am not sure if I should take them for three days and stop cold turkey, or if I should taper down dramatically or what. I guess I just had to get all of this stuff off of my chest, and tell SOMEONE, because it is basically all that I think about, yet I can't really talk about it with anyone, at least not anyone that understands. Plus, after a year of reading all of your posts everyday, I feel like I know some of you so well, and I wanted to give you a chance to know me too. I am new at this whole self-disclosure, internet thing, and a little scared, but hopefully some of you will read this, and maybe even respond. Any input or advice or any comments at all would be welcome. It feels really good to finally say all of these things that have been on my mind. I guess that is all for now, sorry this is so long.

    venus21
    Venus21, you are close to making the right choice. I have struggled with a similar decision for almost 1 year now. I used to look at these boards to get advice on tapering and how bad the withdrawals will be. At first, it frightened me, so I kept using. The problem with these opiates is the fast pace by which your body develops tolerance. You will find the need to steadily increase your intake to get the same "high".
    To answer your question about when to quit....do it now! Taper as much as you can with what you have left, then.....be done with it! Try and take 3-4 days to your self when you can relax, sleep and get through the W/d's. If you can, go to your doctor and get some help. They can prescribe some meds to help you with nausea and sleep. It's really not that bad! I am entering my 3rd day of detox now from 2-1/2 years of meds and I am sooooooo happy I have done this!
    All the Best!

    Thomas63

     
    Old 07-09-2004, 07:38 AM   #6
    Twinlynn
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    Re: Time to tell my (LONG) story...

    Venus -

    Venus -

    Writing that post must have wrung you out so emotionally....suddenly "hearing" yourself" admit--not just to the Board--but to yourself, what your daily life has become. Putting such difficult truths into words must have bluntly highlighted, for you, the exact reasons for your increasing fears and anxieties . I could truly feel all the desperation in your voice. And I feel so bad for you.

    While I am certainly not a great example to you....because I still take a few pills each day..I'd like to suggest two things:

    1. If you can at all afford it (are you on a health plan?) an addictionologist--a physician who deals primarily with drug addiction--would make this ordeal far more bearable for you, both physically and emotionally.

    Physically, an addicitonologist could prescribe medication that will lessen the symptoms of withdrawal: clonidine, strong stomach cramp relievers, klonipin or other relaxants to lessen the overwhelming anxiety, and possibly other meds that that may help keep your energy level up. From all I have read on the board these past months, these medications can greatly increase the chance for success in beating your addiction. Look back through the archives--try a search--and read up on how board members were helped vastly by "withdrawal" meds. (By the way--an up-to-date "general" doctor--your GP--can also prescribe for you. But, addictionologists really concentrate on--and know--their stuff!)

    Emotionally, by visiting a doctor, you will find someone completely objective to talk to. Your experiences won't leave the office. And you may even be lucky enough to find a truly sympathetic doctor, who's there for you emotionally. One board member here has an addictionologist who was an addict HIMSELF!! Now THAT'S the sort of fellow who can totally understand what you're going through! :-)

    2. Whether you taper or decide on cold turkey (and there's a lot of conflicting opinions on this), will, in the end, come down to how your particular body responds. (Or...as may be in your case...when the drugs run out!!) Some people find CT easier--and are physically able to just wake up one morning and stop!! (I doubt I could do that!)

    Others, have taper plans--a few of which have been listed on this Board. (One very detailed withdrawal plan, worked out almost mathematically, was posted, just a few days ago...but I can't remember the Thread. The poster, who asked the question about tapering, was a person, like you--ready to quit. They asked for advice in suggesting a specific plan.) I'm sure someone here will remember it. The post was answered--and a detailed plan suggested--by a real nice and very informed guy, "Philster"--who's on-line occasionally--and has been doing well for over a year now, I believe. He had written up this taper plan for himself last year.

    I do, also, want to add that in my own experience of tapering all the way down (running out of pills, etc.), I realize just how dreadful the withdrawal symptoms feel. It's pretty indescribable. Some say it's like a bad flu---but I'd take a bad flu any day, over this withdrawal!! For myself, I found that the physical symptoms--like stomach woes, aches and pains, fevery feeling--were bearable. But the depression was the worst. It felt like the end of the world...and way too much like the episodes of clinical depression I've been through three times in my life. I was just hit by waves of this dread...bad enough that I found it almost impossible to just rest, read, etc. (and I hadn't--and haven't-- told a doctor yet...because I'm still been taking the stuff. :-( So, I had no medical helpers like clonidine to help me out (though I do have a few klonipin, which helped the anxiety at that time.)

    Those few times I was forced to taper to nearly nothing really did give me some insight into what those like yourself experience! It all felt pretty intolerable at the time, because of the depression. (Plus...I also felt this awful sort of pressure--a kind of "buzzing"--in my head and throbbing sensation around my throat, which never stopped.) And who can forget the incredible fatigue that coursed through every joint and muscle....making that trip from the bedroom to the bathroom, a triumph not unlike Lance Armstrong's win of the Tour de France!! LOLOL!! :-)

    Also...unfortunately, I found no relief from exercise--tho I really did try. (Took my push scooter all over the park.) But, for me, the physical movement made me feel worse. Don't know why. For others, keeping busy is the key to getting through the worst of it all. And it may be of great help to you.

    What would really help is if you could manage that week off from work to just concentrate on getting better. I know you said it's too tough to arrange that. But you'd feel so much better just knowing you could curl up and "be yourself"--however you are feeling!

    I am not for one minute describing all this to discourage you....you may be just fine after the initial few days. We all vary so much. And the cravings hit some worse than others. But, just in case you have a really tough time--emotionally or physcially--just wanted to let you know that it is not out of the "norm"! And your new Board pals here will be ready to help you in any way....from answering questions....to sending you "virtual hugs!" ! :-) There are some wonderful success stories here. And some wonderful people who would be happy to share them with you.

    Gotta go, now....but thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am so glad that you did....and that you've taken that first step towards a new life!

    Lynn :-)

     
    Old 07-09-2004, 09:13 AM   #7
    DallasAli
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    Re: Time to tell my (LONG) story...

    Hi Venus,

    In reading your story, I read my own, but I am 46 and have used for as long as you've been alive. I use the same amount as you, and when it comes to "scramble-time," like when they're running low and then you have to figure out where and how to get more, you described my thought patterns exactly. The cost is enormous! I easily spend nearly $300+ a month to maintain my 10+ average of the norco 10/325s you also use. My credit cards are maxed out, I've had a lien filed on my house for emergency room visits that I made everytime I tried to quit cold turkey...I've never made it past day 3, which for some reason seems to be the magic number on here that so many say is crucial, so I go to the ER, they give me a morphine or demerol IV, and I leave with a script for percs or vikes which is usually enough to tide me over till the "delivery man" arrives. I schedule all my activities and social outings around the pills, and it sounds as if you do, too.

    The reason I tell you a little about myself and our similar experiences (unfortunately I was also a child of the 60s/70s and had plenty of LSD, mushrooms, speed, pot, you name it...never did heroin though, and those were easy to give up compared to the opiates), but getting back to why I am telling you how similar we are is because you are so very young and soon you will feel so very old, and like me at age 47, but you will not even be 30. I understand everything you wrote, and I have felt all those feelings...fear for my health, for my financial situation, and then one day all of a sudden, I DIDN'T care about that or my kids or even my life anymore, and now along with my thoughts being consumed with the pills, I am very much consumed with thoughts of leaving this world permanently...I think about suicide every single day--everytime I wake up, it's like "dang, I'm still here."

    Listen to your gut, to the members here, you are young and you have a chance and the real pain issues you have are very treatable in other ways...you have time and you have desire and you have a chance, so please take it. You really don't want to end up like me...nearing 50, in total debt, flitting from job to job, and in seclusion, and that is what will happen to you. I don't know how to tell you to stop because I've never been able to, but I can tell you what you will become if you don't...you will be me, and I will be dead, and there will be another young addict to take your place and the cycle will go on and on and on...

    Listen to the good folks here, and they are very good people, you won't be judged or criticized, and you will be supported and you will hear horror stories and success stories and one or the other will be yours--I hope you will choose to be a success story, and I wish I'd had a place like this to pour my heart out when I was your age, so get the good from it while you can.

    All my best to you, and with complete understanding,

    DallasAlice

     
    Old 07-09-2004, 11:42 AM   #8
    mernee
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    Re: Time to tell my (LONG) story...

    Welcome. I cannot tell you any more than any one else has posted as they have gave you some awesome advice. I would tell you to reach out and get as much help and support you can...Doctor, friends, family. Trying to detox alone is really not such a good idea. Make a plan of recovery. Nobody ever died of recovery, but many people die from addiction. It is good to here that you are deciding this at such a young age. I starting using when I was 16, and I ended my using at 40something. At first it was fun, and I loved the feeling but it quickly went from fun to horror.

     
    Old 07-10-2004, 12:58 AM   #9
    venus21
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    Re: Time to tell my (LONG) story...

    First of all, I want to thank all of you SO very much for your quick and insightful replies. I think that a big part of the reason that I hesitated to post anything on this board for so long, is that I was afraid I would not fit in (being younger than some of you), or that no one would reply to my post or really take me seriously. Now I feel silly for worrying about that, your replies and interest were more than I could have hoped for.

    I actually read the responses to my post this afternoon, but I wanted to wait until after work tonight to reply. I wanted to give myself time to think over everything, basically.

    As of right now, I don't feel like rehab or a detox program involving time off of work and school is an option for me. A big issue is not having health insurance, and also not being able to get the time off of work. My parents are not really an option in this area, either. I almost wish that I could consider these options, simply for the fact that I feel I need at least a few days to kind of get away from everything and have some peace while going through all of this. Also, it would be really great to not even have the choice to get any more pills. Still, keeping busy and staying in work will probably be helpful in its own way, too.

    I do agree with those of you, such as LISA, saying that I should get some kind of support. It is really hard for me to talk to people about my problems, but I did tell a couple friends what is going on today, about my plans not to order more pills and quit. It feels good to have a couple people know, but also will make me feel even worse if I don't stop. I also plan on looking into some NA meetings, at least to talk to some people in person who have been through all of this. That would be wonderful.

    So basically, as of right now, I am just planning on stopping when my prescription runs out, probably Monday. At the moment at least, I am somewhat excited about the prospect of getting off of these pills. However, I know as soon as the first day goes by, I will get that complete frantic and panicked feeling of needing more pills. I don't know how to describe it exactly, except that I just feel TRAPPED without them, if that makes any sense, and it just drives me crazy. I think the prospect of being completely, actually sober for the first time in so long just frightens me, in general. I have always had something to rely on, it seems like. I don't know what I will do. I guess I should just worry about the withdrawal first, and then try to go to an NA meeting or talk to someone, to learn how to deal with actually staying off of the pills, and not going back to drinking or any of that, which will be a huge temptation.

    So, that is what I am thinking tonight. I wanted to kind of let everyone know that plan, and also thank you all for your replies.

    DallasAlice-I was really struck by your reply. I didn't expect anyone to really identify with me, and it made me feel so relieved, in a way. I think there was still always a part of me kind of in denial, thinking, "I don't really have a problem, I just like to take pills", and all that silly stuff (all the while realizing I am maxing out my credit cards, and constantly counting pills and all that), and hearing you say that you think the same way and take the same amount of pills and all that really, really made me think. Thank you so much for sharing some of your story with me, you really opened my eyes to some things.

    Twinlynn-Thank you so much for your very caring reply, I really needed it. I almost cried when reading you reply, it meant a lot. LISA too, thank you for your support.

    And I don't mean to leave anyone out, I honestly took something important from all of your replies. I will keep you all posted.

    Venus21

     
    Old 07-18-2004, 04:50 PM   #10
    DallasAli
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    DallasAli HB User
    Re: Time to tell my (LONG) story...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by venus21
    So basically, as of right now, I am just planning on stopping when my prescription runs out, probably Monday. At the moment at least, I am somewhat excited about the prospect of getting off of these pills. However, I know as soon as the first day goes by, I will get that complete frantic and panicked feeling of needing more pills. I don't know how to describe it exactly, except that I just feel TRAPPED without them, if that makes any sense, and it just drives me crazy. I think the prospect of being completely, actually sober for the first time in so long just frightens me, in general. I have always had something to rely on, it seems like. I don't know what I will do. I guess I should just worry about the withdrawal first, and then try to go to an NA meeting or talk to someone, to learn how to deal with actually staying off of the pills, and not going back to drinking or any of that, which will be a huge temptation.

    So, that is what I am thinking tonight. I wanted to kind of let everyone know that plan, and also thank you all for your replies.

    I will keep you all posted.

    Venus21
    Hi Venus,

    I wanted to bump your thread up with the hope you are still out there reading, lurking, or doing whatever and will let us know how things are going for you since you formulated your plan. If you've stayed with it, then you're pretty far into it and I'd really be curious how you are feeling. If you had a hard time staying with it, then please let us know what we can do to help?

    Just so you know that no matter how your plan is going or even if it's "gone," we care about you. Remember, too, that whether things are good, bad, or ugly, you have anonyminity here and can post without the fear of the repercussions you might think you'd encounter when you're ready to tell someone in "real life" about your using pills. That was the freeing thing and catalyst for me to post here first and a lot of my reason for staying here...no judgment days--just lots of support, encouragement, understanding, and people who have been in the same situation--seems most members are at different levels of both the addiction and the recovery, so there is a wealth of information here for whatever stage of the game you might currently be at.

    Hope all is well, and if in your mind you don't think things are well, then whenever you feel like it...just write a "post-it note" and let us know what's going on with things. I've thought about you often since your first post here, and I'm sure many others have also.

    If you're still using the pills, just remember nobody can reach physically through the computer to offer a hug of support, so words are all we have--you just have to let us know that you are still out there first...ok?

    Take care of yourself,

    Dallas Alice

     
    Old 07-18-2004, 07:25 PM   #11
    marich101
    Senior Member
     
    Join Date: Apr 2004
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    marich101 HB User
    Re: Time to tell my (LONG) story...

    undefined
    venus21................Honey, you haven't even begun to hear half the advice and warm hearts cause they will come crawling out of the woodwork and I mean that in an empathetic sense. I, like Dallas Alice am a little out of my league, I'm 53 and have been fighting these things since I was 30 and got my divorce. WEll there wasn't a fight in the beginning, the only fight was finding a Doctor to give them to me or a friend who hadn't discovered the joys vics or oxys yet. Newly divorced , I'd found a new drug ALL was right with the world. Even the first few years I didn't have a big problem, but the deeper I got the worse it got. The sad thing is that I do have a legimate pain problem, but my pain pill problem is worse, and catches me without any when I need them................My son is on the phone, must go .......................Good luck and listen you'll get the info you need and better yet the caring that you're gonna need a bunch of.............................Not trying to scare you ,you can do it I've done it a hundred times

    My Best To You Honey
    Marilyn

     
    Old 07-18-2004, 11:04 PM   #12
    alaineOconnor
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    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Location: Michigan
    Posts: 53
    alaineOconnor HB User
    Re: Time to tell my (LONG) story...


    i just want to let you know how much i understand what you are going through, and i know how hard it is and how much pain you will go through, but you will be ok. as long as you relize the full extent of your problem and are willing to do whatever it takes to get clean and stay clean you will be just fine. ive been going to NA meetings for a while and i cannot express to you how much my life changed after i started going to them. i was such a total mess. id used and used and used until i knew i couldnt use anymore, but i kept on using, i couldnt live without it, or so i thought. the withdrawl was so bad, and i did it over and over and over, and everytime, it got worse, until i couldnt handle it anymore, i had no way out, i had no one to turn to but my knife and my needle full of OC. i knew i had to stop, i couldnt keep living the way i was living. so i did. and after the physical withdrawl the emotional end of it came and i was so lost. i wanted to die every single day, and i tried, but i am still here - to try to help people like you. i know what you are going through, and its rough, and you will be frantic, not knowing what to do with yourself. but deny the temptation - get rid of it, dont have it around because if you do, youll go back to it everytime. start going to meetings, and when you go, surrender yourself, open up and share your soul. you will get so much love and support its unreal. because every person in that room knows exactly where you are and exactly what youre going through, theyve been there too, and theyre past it and they want to help you get past it. they want you to be able to live drug free, because using will get you three thing in life - jails, institutions, and death. not nessasrily in that order. these people will teach how to deal with life on lifes terms. my suggestion to you is to go to a meeting, open up and share your story, tell people you need help, and they will help you. get phone numbers from people and use them. whenever you get that "stinkin' thinkin' " call someone from NA. thats why you get the phone numbers. get a sponsor, and call her evryday. shell give you suggestions onworking the steps, get a book and study the steps, work the steps. go to as many meetings as possible, get to know these people so they can get to know you. if you cant go to detox and rehab, do the next step, go to 90 meetings in 90 days. th efirst 30 days is the hardest, then after youve made it that far, make it to 60, then 90. then youll be doing fine. take it one day at a time. if days are overwhleming, and youre full of anxiety, take it by minutes, 5 minutes at a time until you can go day by day. ALWAYS go to your meetings, if youre having a bad day and you dont feel like going, thats the day you need to go the most. any day you feel you dont need to go are the days when you need the most support. you need a lot of support through all of this, you cant do it alone, no one can. many of us ended up in jail or sought help through medicine, religion, and psychiatry. none of these methods was sufficient enough. our disease always resurfaced and continued to progress until we sought help in NA. we relized we are sick people. we suffer from a disease to which there is no known cure. it can however be arrested at some point, and recovery is then possible. i am glad i caught this as early as i did, i am younger than you and i am a GREATFUL recovering addict. today i am proud of myself to have made it this far, if i can do it, i KNOW you can do it. one day at a time. keep coming back, it works if you live it but you got to live it everyday CLEAN! i am here for you, all of us are here for you. let us know how you are doing, keep us posted and the best of luck to you. remember - youve already taken the first step admitting you have a problem, thats the hardest part. hang in there!

     
    Old 07-19-2004, 03:21 AM   #13
    coxdj
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Location: USA
    Posts: 40
    coxdj HB User
    Thumbs up Re: Time to tell my (LONG) story...

    Excellent post! For being as young as you are, you really express yourself and are an excellent, gifted writer! I am so impressed by all of what you wrote. The depth of it, the emotion, the truth; the knowledge about addiction, wow....I did not get all of that until in my 30's. Anyway, I relate 100% with everything you said. It is not easy when first getting help, and sometimes there are alot of First Steps involved. I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers.
    Debbie~

     
    Old 07-19-2004, 12:32 PM   #14
    madhatter
    Senior Veteran
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    Join Date: Jun 2004
    Posts: 858
    madhatter HB User
    Re: Time to tell my (LONG) story...

    You have to put yourself first! Before family even.why? Becuase if your not good to yourself,how are you going to be to others? The first step is addmitting you have a problem,and you already done that.I'm going to give you some tuff love.I'll probably get yelled at,but oh well.You say you don't want rehab becuase of your job,well,if you keep going at it,that will be the least of your worries! Theres more jobs out there,stop making excuses! Its only 30 days out of the rest of your life! And if i were you,i would tell my husband[boyfriend] If he left you for that,the hell with him! This is when you need him the most! How do you think he will feel,if down the road,he found out that you kept this from him? [trust] I'm not trying to be mean,i just don't believe in sugar coating a serious issue.

     
    Old 07-23-2004, 08:43 PM   #15
    alaineOconnor
    Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Location: Michigan
    Posts: 53
    alaineOconnor HB User
    Re: Time to tell my (LONG) story...

    we havent heard from you in a while and was wondering how you are doing, let us know.....

     
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