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    Old 07-06-2004, 08:24 AM   #1
    Twinlynn
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    Question Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    Good morning, Dallas Alice,

    How ARE you?!

    Was so looking forward to your resuming your engaging, thought-provoking prose, when you returned from your little "vacation" last month.

    'Cause....last thing you mentioned in your return post, was how "addicted" you'd become to the site! Just like we'd become addicted to you! But, now.....way too many days later, with way too much silence--you appear to have "cleaned up" your site addiction...without so much as a "taper plan"! LOLOL!! Oh, noooo.....This is NOT an addiction we want you to overcome!! "Alice, wherefore ART thou"!??!

    (Hope you don't mind my sense of humor...I'm only teasing!!)

    But, we miss ya! And, like all pessimists, I admit to being guilty of always seeing that half-full glass....as waaay too empty! And, I'm hoping you can fill up the glass for me....with a little note that you're okay?

    And, of course, you do know that I am not alone here in my worrying. Every one of your Board buddies notes that "Alice has fallen down the rabbit hole"--and is no where to be seen. We'd all feel much relieved if you have time for even just a few lines to let us know that you've found another exit from that rabbit hole....and are on your way back up.

    Your posts have been good for us all! And, we'd like to be there for you, too. And to learn more about you. As that poetic line goes (with apologies to the author for my adapting it)...."Alice, we hardly knew ye"!!!

    Come home! All is forgiven!!!

    with much fondness from your Board buddy, Lynn :-)

     
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    Old 07-06-2004, 08:43 AM   #2
    John 808
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    Re: Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    Alice,

    I, too, have noticed your absence! I have been in a little bit of a "funk" lately and not posting much (and when I did post, it was questioning and responding to things concerning depression)! So, please don't think I forgot ya! Just a little "pre-occupied" with my own struggles right now!

    Hope to hear from you soon! God bless,
    Michelle

     
    Old 07-06-2004, 11:38 AM   #3
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    Re: Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    Hi all,

    TwinLynn, thank you for calling me out because, yes, I took a trip through the looking glass recently, and have to say I didn't find what I saw from that view either, and so my friends the time has come to talk of many things--of shoes and ships and ceiling wax and cabbages and kings...

    Michelle, with all that's going on with you, well...you give so much to others yet sometimes I think you don't know you give at all, but for that I thank you the most...have you ever noticed the "disclaimers" you add to parts of your posts? I mean this as all good, but it's just something I've noticed about you like just now, an explanation for not posting! Once you wrote me that you had to feed your kids their Fruit Loops and then added, "I'm no Betty Crocker in the morning!" I wonder why you demand so much from yourself and don't give yourself the permission to just say "hey, Fruit Loops is fine for today!" But maybe that is just you...always putting others first, and with your current concerns, I'd say if you and your kids make it through the day fed, clothed, alive and unhurt and loved, well then you've done your job. I'm not downplaying your health, and I hope you aren't either.

    I didn't want to come back in a funk and was waiting for that blip of "upbeat-ness" (is that a word???) to zip through my aching head, but it seems to have taken a temporary leave of absence. But I guess I will chose for today to believe that you all, in spite of your own battles, are still willing to listen to me ramble, so thank you Twin for appealing to my "bad twin," and draw me back out...and you have a wonderful sense of humor, did you know that about yourself? I hope so...

    And how is Christianmom? Still afraid of the dark? I'd love to talk to you about that sometime...when sleep eludes us, that long day's journey into night becomes a world of it's own, doesn't it? I hope you're doing well, and my apologies for not knowing all that is going on with everyone...when I came back there were so many new members and threads, I really didn't know where to start, so thanks to you all, I guess I'll just start here.

    Tears and laughter...that's been my last couple of weeks. Watching my son play in a tennis match and making the match point, and what do I do? Start welling up with tears! It's not like it's Wimbledon or something for Pete's sake, it was just a lesson at the nearby sports park. So many mood swings, some possible hormonal, but most likely an underlying of "be careful, Dallas, you're running low on pills...can you make it till the next refill?" That part of me that controls my life and takes away the joy of something as simple as a tennis match...what does a person do?

    I have been thinking about why it takes drugs for me to enjoy events...are there any of you who have ever said, "I'll smoke this joint before I watch this movie, I'll really get into it that way." Or maybe, "Gotta busy day at work, better take a few more hydros with me so I can be 'perky' instead of rundown like everyone else in the office, plus it makes the mundane so much easier to handle." Do any of you have those thoughts? I've been thinking that since I've been talking to you all that the three basic commonalties of this pill dependence are: boredom, depression, and perfectionism. Bored? Take a pill, makes boring warm and fuzzy! Depressed? Take a pill, the euphoria lifts the depression in about 30 minutes! Things aren't perfect in the house or on the job? Take a pill and like Michelle, hike to the top of your refrigerator and clean the top of it, never know when someone who is 6' 5" might be in your kitchen and see it! I don't know...but I've been motivated by all those thoughts as a reason to take a pill or two or three, just to make the usual more unusual I suppose...

    And I've been thinking about my children, you know, sometimes it's as if I see it like they aren't really my children but the children of life wanting to renew itself. Yes, they came through me, but not from me...make any sense? They are with me, but they don't belong to me. I can give them my love but I can't give them my thoughts because they are their own person and have their own thoughts. I can give them a house to live in, but it's only their physical self that lives with me, not their souls...their souls live in the future, in tomorrow, and that's a place I can't go to...not even in my wildest dreams. And in the end, I would rather be like them than have them be like me--life can't go backwards, unfortunately for me, but fortunately for them.

    And BCBurnaby, I am so very sorry for the loss of your pet. My cat knows when I'm sick, of that I am sure! And I can't imagine the pain in your and your childrens eyes when you think of your loss. I imagine if there is a place where pets' soul's dwell, then with either a wagging tail or a soft purring, they are waiting for their master to join them.

    Sadsister, how about you...? I laughed when you wrote me about your lifestyle, the Donna Reed on acid was so funny...are you the "Sharon Osbourne" of this group then? I haven't been able to go back far enough to read where you all are at, so please let me know? Keeps me going just wondering if I will have a reply to read!

    Wow, felt good to come up from that hole! I was, and am, feeling like that Mad Hatter! Love to write you all, and have been thinking of you often. Thank you for thinking of me and for remembering an addict like me who has no escape route yet and is still living in my little cave, and for me right now, my cave is my heart...and that's becoming a pretty big place to be all alone.

    I'll close with the words of Little Feat--I love to plagiarize! (Best Friend, if you see this, I know you'll remember it ) "and if you give me weed, whites, and wine, and you show me a sign, I'll be willin' to be movin' " Just wish I could get movin' without the dope sometimes...sigh.

    Love to you all,

    DallasAlice

    Last edited by DallasAli; 07-06-2004 at 12:02 PM.

     
    Old 07-06-2004, 01:26 PM   #4
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    Re: Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    Dallas Alice..Your Intelligence shines through your post. Wondering, what do you do for a living? Every single time I read your post I am so into them. You write so wonderfully well. Just wanted to let you know what a wonderful gift you have. Hve you ever thought about or written books?
    Also, You seem to read people people very well..

    Last edited by DannDees; 07-06-2004 at 01:28 PM.

     
    Old 07-06-2004, 02:30 PM   #5
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    Re: Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    Hey Dallas Alice....i too agree, such elegance in your posts, you can express yourself so well, i am hanging on every sentence. I haven't been posting much myself but was happy to see a reply from you
    I am about 10 or 11 days straight now, from the hydros, percs, pretty much complete cold turkey, a xanax here and there and IMMODIUM for the first five days, and plain ol tylenol for my achey wrists. I feel so much better, really I do!!! It is like i am re-born, going to my son's all-star baseball games and cheering away, organizing are whole bottom level of our home, and guess what----i didn't need a single pill like my addiction wanted me to believe. I go to two meetings a week on Sunday and Monday night and am in touch with many old friends that have been in the "rooms" for years. I am finally at peace. I was so dam sick and tired of the craziness of not having enough and physically and mentally was more sick at the end of my use than thru w/d. We have actually been invited by a neighbor down the road to go to a church in town this Sunday. I didn't even realize that a minister lived 5 houses down from me. My husband and I are hoping that we will be able to meet some nice couples threw the church and get to know the people in town better. We live in a small "cow-town", so i am anxious to get to know some other moms around me. Well enough rambling on about me. Take the jump, girl!!!! If i can do it, anyone can. The sickness, you will live thru, and i did it with a surprise b-day to throw on day 3 So really keeping busy is the key, almost not allowing yourself a chance to sit and be sick. Well I hope you had a good Tuesday, I will check back tonight.
    luv,
    LISA

     
    Old 07-06-2004, 07:44 PM   #6
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    Re: Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    Hi again everyone,

    Thank you Dandees and Lisa for your compliments...it's so nice to hear something good said about myself. But no, I'm no writer, just a poster like everyone else trying to convey the most difficult of plights in a way that others can understand and maybe relate to. I've been told I write well before, and I was self-employed (actually, I'm a bookkeeper and income tax preparer...yawn), and my office is in the basement of my house. When the depression and loneliness get so bad, and I know you know what I mean, I would take to the basement, the computer, the dark and surface only for sustenance. That was when I thought about writing an article or something similar, and if I ever felt good enough to "resurface," I would have entitled it "Coming upstairs," or "Life in the Basement," I don't know, but something like that.

    Dandees, I so hope you read my replies to you in my original "Hard is Life..." thread, because I didn't want to sound course or uncaring. A parent's suicide, I am sure, is devastating to all involved and those left behind, and I am sincere when I say that I would not want my children to feel what you felt nor have tears trickle from their little eyes as they type a plea to an absolute stranger on a forum such as this to please change her mind about putting an end to her life for the sake of her children. I'm also very sorry for your dad, and whatever it was that caused him so much pain that he would actually do it...I waver back and forth, over and over, and only when I fear I don't have enough to "do it right," do I put the idea aside and wait till the next "batch" comes in. How did you handle it, or are you handling it at all, is maybe the more appropriate question?

    To hear from the infamous Lisa, well...I must say I feel I have finally become an official member here...LOL! You are so cared about on this board, and I have read your posts from last year till now...and I have to tell you that you are so not the same person who posted way back then, you have grown and taken charge, and even put your husband (whom I always questioned which was your biggest DOC--him or the pills!) on the right course with you, which is by your side where he should have been so long ago. Routine is hard to change, it's what we are used to whether it's good or bad, and I understand how changing it was always so much of your struggle. Lisa, I know, too, that you are having a cervical conization done. I had one done in 1986, the day after Xmas. I had carcinoma in situ which was diagnosed by a routine pap smear. The colposcopy was painful (which I think you've had done already?), and the conization was a surgical procedure...and boy, did the pain pills come flooding into my hospital room, me hitting the buzzer at four hours exactly for my meds! Those nurses knew exactly what I was then, but I didn't...just liked the feeling as the post-surgical pain wasn't really bad at all. But the end result was the conization gave me clean borders so it had not spread. I hope you'll let me and all of us know how things go for you. I had to have paps every 3 mths. for a year, then down to every 6 mths, and eventually back to once a year. Now, all these years later, I have lumps under my arm and a bloody, milky discharge from my breast...so I don't know if I'll have it checked or not. The sickest thing about my scheduling an appt. is that I'm sure to get more pills if I go in...and that would be my motivation, not my health. What a mess I've made of my thought process.

    So today I had a "rock bottom" moment, I truly think. I took my kids to see Spiderman, and of course, to enhance the flick, while the previews were starting and the theatre was dark, I reached into my purse, opened my script bottle, and either dropped one on the floor or it fell back into the bottle. Can't tell you much about the movie as I was consumed with the thought of having possibly lost ONE pill! Skip ahead two hours or so till the lights came on, and I had ushers with flashlights and me on the sticky, greasy theatre floor on my hands and knees trying to find it...and my kids (who know I "have" to take prescription medication) watching it all. I lied, again, and said that it was a maintenance med I HAD to have and was very expensive and boy, the help I got from them to try and find it was unbelievable. Of course, it wasn't found, and I realized it had only slipped back into the bottle when I thought it was actually in my hand, but what kind of person does that? Yes, again, I know...an addict. It was a sickening sight even for me this time.

    So on coming home and doing "the count," I heard these odd, rythmic words in my head, like a poem... Oh hydros said the mother addict, you had me on the run! Time to take you out again, I said, but no answer did ever come. But of course this wasn't strange at all, because I'd taken every one.

    That was a moment I'll never forget and I hope it is more again a start in the right direction, but you know what? If I had found that pill amongst the popcorn kernels, dirt and trash from others' shoes, and sticky spilled pop, I would have swallowed it without a thought...yuck.

    Take care you all, and thanks for writing me such kind things.

    DallasAlice

    Last edited by DallasAli; 07-06-2004 at 07:47 PM.

     
    Old 07-06-2004, 08:14 PM   #7
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    Re: Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    Thank you. I was somewhat embarrassed when I posted about little Mickey as I thought that I have always got too emotional when it came to my animals however, the out pouring of support and understanding I have gotten on this board has helped me heal greatly. I am so glad that I am not the only one that has such a strong bond to my animals. Me and my son have spent the last few days remembering how funny and cute Mickey was and how he brought such joy into my life. I feel I can get through this just fine. I think because I suffered from Depression and was on Effexor XR for sometime that I was scared of that also. I have been tapered off the Effexor and this is the first thing that has happened to me since I have been off the Effexor. I was scared that I would never come out of the depression and I would eventually use if I stayed in the depression. I think for me it was my belief that everything happens for a reason that has helped me, and you guys helped me so much. Because of my work, (recovery house) I am not able to cry or talk about my problems as I am there to help the women coming out of heavy addiction and I am suppose to be strength for them so, I feel a little alone sometimes. My friends and family outside of work are not addicts and, although understanding can not understand addiction. It is hard for people to understand the obsession and pull that addiction has over a person unless you have experienced it. I am glad to see you back on this board, I so enjoy the way that you post and have truly missed you.

     
    Old 07-06-2004, 09:22 PM   #8
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    Re: Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    Hi BCBurnaby,

    You're so welcome. I understand losing a pet...many have been a better friend to me than people I know have been. I've lost many a beloved furry pal, and I just now remembered the place known as Rainbows Bridge. Probably any animal lover who has lost a pet knows this poem, but just in case you haven't, I'll share it with you here. It must be very hard for you to give of yourself at your work when you are in need of some receiving. Thanks for writing, and take care of yourself, and write me anytime...I trust your words and thoughts so much because of your trials and tribulations, and the generosity you turned it into that gives so much help to others.

    "Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
    When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

    All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
    They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

    You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

    Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

    Author unknown..."

    It is good that you remember Mickey and not to downplay your very real feelings of sadness. It's a grieving process I suppose like it is with the loss of anything or anyone that is a treasure in your life.

    All my best,

    DallasAlice

    Last edited by DallasAli; 07-06-2004 at 09:24 PM.

     
    Old 07-06-2004, 10:11 PM   #9
    John 808
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    Re: Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    Well, Ms. Alice (or shall I call you Ms. Whitman? Or does Ms. Emerson suit your fancies better? LOL!)

    SO GLAD to hear from you! As I think alot of people were!

    So, how was "Spiderman?" I went to see "The Notebook" a few days ago, and emerged from the theater (as well as fifty other women) with puffy, red eyes! LOL!

    Alice, I truly appreciate your sweet words of praise on my helping others here, but I don't see how I am doing anything different from anyone else here? (You know I am just "prodding" you for more complients? LOL! Just kidding- I swear!) I am no "rocket scientist" (a degree in childhood developement/education, which doesn't mean a whole lot now-a-days), so, being that I don't contribute to the professional world, the least I can do is help others who struggle with what I have/am stuggled/struggling with- ya know? That's how I look at it!

    I am so glad "your back" and would normally "talk" longer, but my dog and "Wyatt Earp" are waiting for me downstairs! So, when the sweet pleasures of my life aren't "calling my name," I'll check back in with ya (which means, tomorrow! LOL)!

    Hope you have sweet dreams and God bless,
    michelle

     
    Old 07-07-2004, 06:21 AM   #10
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    Re: Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    DA - I know we haven't really spoken before but I, along with so many others, appreciate your posts more than you know. I am on Suboxone, as you probably know, but the way you describe the pill addiction... gosh, it's like it was yesterday for me. But I have forgotten the way it feels to be so desperate for those pills. I remember being out, starting to get sick, and going on a mad search around the house, praying I would find just one that may have fallen out into the bottom of my purse, or on the floorboard of the car. It's such a sickening thing. I hate it - I hate addiction from the bottom of my soul.

    But I don't do that anymore ---- It seems like that person that was taking 20 plus lortabs per day doesn't even exist anymore. Seriously, like it was all a dream. And how sad is it that it's all because of a pill that I let dissolve under my tongue every day. This one little orange pill... makes me feel as though I'm normal, just like everyone else. Makes me feel as though I CAN handle the mundane, the ordinary, the tremendous presentations, etc.

    Anyway, I just had to pop in for two reasons... one, you write so well... but also, because I wanted to possibly try and help. We've all been where you are. How many do you take a day? How long, etc.????? This is the first, real post I've ever read from you so if you don't mind.... can you just give me a quick run down on where you are right now? And you are so familiar with some of the others' posts... Have you read mine? Have you read Sammi's and others' who take Suboxone? What are your thoughts, if you have???

    Gotta go get ready, I'm late - bigtime. Let me hear from you??? Michelle, if you are reading this... I had to up my Welbutrin to 300 mgs per day and get OFF OF lexepro...??? Maybe???

     
    Old 07-07-2004, 12:18 PM   #11
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    Re: Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    Hi Banker,

    Nice to meet you after following you and your story for so many months before I finally broke down and posted a thread called "Hard is life for those who live on for the sake of their loved ones." It's probably back on about page 5 or 6 by now, but it tells the story of my catalyst into addiction. Emotional pain and moderate physical pain, but my "tale of woe" goes something like this...abusive alcoholic father, codependant phenobarbitol addicted mother, incestuous brother-in-law who stalked me in the night at the age of 15 and was my "first," then a stranger broke in thru an unlocked window of my apt. and with a pillow over my head and my hands and feet tied up with electrical cords, I was raped with knife to my throat at age 18. Moved back home, father couldn't stand the sight of his now "tainted" daughter, and I was kicked out of the house. Married a stable man I didn't love and who neglected me terribly, divorced after 18 years, single now for 6, and have buried my 33-yr. old brother when I was 25, and both my parents who died 7 wks. apart when I was 36. And I realize we all have bad things happen for whatever reason, so that is just my story and how I somehow got from the adolescence to being almost 50 and the blur of drugs that surrounded the years inbetween.

    So I've been diagnosed with PSTD, and have been given many drugs for whatever ails me and now I can't say no to them. I easily gave up cocaine, acid, pot, shrooms, speed, and all the rest, but the opiates...well, you know. You know, I remember reading your post about hunting all over for a pill! It really stuck out, as I've done that before as well. One time I put on an old blazer, and when I put my hand in the pocket, there was a hydro! Once I changed purses, and lo and behold found 8 hydros at the bottom of one...felt like I'd hit the jackpot, and it made my day. Isn't that disgusting? I know from what you've done you can relate to my movie theater search yesterday, in reflection, it was absolutely sickening.

    So Banker, you are the single gal who sings/plays in a band on occasion, am I right? If I confused you with someone else, sorry, but I've always thought that was you. And you are dealing with some weight issues brought on by the sub if I recall. Which brings me to that topic, I've seriously considered talking to someone about either sub or methadone. I recently learned there is a clinic in my city that is nearby, so I'm going to call them and see what they say as I have no insurance. One thing that has always stuck out in everyone's posts on here who is on one or the other is the debate between which is best or if either should ever be used at all...Rockingham said I'd be an excellent candidate for methadone, but then I read the horrendous w/ds people on here post about and that scares me. I also read about the sub, and I understand from what I've read here that w/drawing from that is difficult also? So I am torn and have always tried c/t, but never make it past day three, then end up in the ER with a morphine drip and a script for percs, and a bill for $1,500! The financial price of my addiction is probably the only thing that will force me to do something I think...I currently take about 300 of the 10/325s hydros a month and the amt. varies day to day, depending on what mood I'm in.

    I'd love to hear back from you, and thanks for chiming in...I was hoping you would, and please, if you've the time, maybe read my original post and then you can skip the Reader's Digest condensed version of my saga!

    Thanks for writing,

    DallasAlice

    Last edited by DallasAli; 07-07-2004 at 12:26 PM.

     
    Old 07-07-2004, 12:41 PM   #12
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    Re: Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    Wow! I thought I had a traumatic childhood... GEEZZ... How horrible. What drugs are you taking now, other than pain pills? Are you taking an AD? What type of pain do you have now and how severe is it?

    You got most everything right except I don't sing in a band... I have occassionally but not officially. Would love to though but don't have time w/three kids.
    This is my opinion on Sub and/or Meth... if you have chronic pain, you could potentially go to a pain doc and be prescribed methadone. It's extremely cheap in the pill form... legally, of course. I called our clinic here and I believe they said each day is $15... that was a lot of $$ to me. Not to mention having to go daily, stand in line, just the entire humiliation of doing it. Also, I have actually taken a few methadones and let me tell you... If I had a prescription for them, I would end up abusing those as well. I'm sorry and I'll probably get blasted for this but those gave me a better high than lortabs did... and I'm talking about only 20 - 30 mgs per day. It was the same as taking 20 - 25 lortabs per day... I swear, I LOVED methadone.

    However, as you've read... Suboxone is different as there is NO high at all. You just feel normal and you feel as though you aren't really an addict. I have NO cravings at all and I just feel normal. It helped w/my depression some. And yes, all of us Sub takers have gained about 20 lbs... However, I'm in the process of losing it. But after I started it (which, by the way... methadone made me really hungry too and I know people that take it and gain weight as well), I binged unbelievably... Entire boxes of chocolates... It was BAD. If I would have known and watched it from the beginning, I might not be fighting this fight with the weight. But I promise you this - you are healthier to be 20 lbs heavier than be killing your liver and taking tons of tabs per day. I would strongly consider looking into it. In fact, please make some calls today. Remember each day makes a difference. Seriously, I'm in the process of considering decreasing my amount... but Im' nervous. Anyway, I'll read your thread when I get home tonight as I have GOT to get back to work. I'm sorry about your situation and what you've had to go through. Isn't it amazing what we can overcome? It amazes me... We couldn't do it though without our 'higher power', in my opinion.
    Take care!!!!

    Banker

     
    Old 07-08-2004, 11:30 AM   #13
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    Talking Re: Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by DallasAlice
    I understand losing a pet...many have been a better friend to me than people I know have been. I've lost many a beloved furry pal, and I just now remembered the place known as Rainbows Bridge. Probably any animal lover who has lost a pet knows this poem, but just in case you haven't, I'll share it with you here.

    DallasAlice, hi from NYC Alice (Best Friend). Well, in case ya didn't know, I gave myself the handle Best Friend because I have a real passion for dawgs. As you may have read in my previous posts, I have 3 long-haired Shih Tzu, Aubrey von Aubrey, Milo Irish and Garson Gossip. The "men in my life." Thanks so much for sharing the Rainbow Bridge poem. It's a real testimony to the bond between us and our pets. Many's the time I've read the poem when I, or a friend, lost a beloved dog...and no matter how many times I read it, I get the biggest lump in my throat. I belong to a couple of Shih Tzu Boards...places where I can chatter away about my furboys and no one gets tired of me!! We also share good, practical info - from training to medical issues. I imagine that all breeds - and mixes - have such Boards. I'd recommend joining such a group to anyone whose pet occupies a big place in his/her heart.

    It's so great to have you back here, Alice-D! Don't ever stray so far, again! (Or we'll call the dogcatcher!)
    Alice-NYC

     
    Old 07-09-2004, 10:22 AM   #14
    DallasAli
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    Re: Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    Hi Banker & Best Friend!

    Banker, thank you for your honest feelings about the methadone vs. sub situation, honesty about that is what I really need...the bad thing is, after reading about the feeling you say methadone gave you, that is what I would probably lean towards over the sub! In saying that, I guess that means my desire to quit isn't strong enough, is it? If sub does nothing but eliminate the feelings of w/ds, then of course that should be the choice, so without insurance and the limited number of sub docs, is opening the phone book the first place to go? Like I said, I was made aware of a clinic that recently opened for heroin and pain pill addicts, and it offers methadone and Bupronephene (sp???) Is the Bup...whatever, the Sub? I guess I need to really do some research.

    And yes, I've been given antidepressents, but hated Prozac and the side effects, another was Dioxapin (a really old one) but didn't feel any different, and after my hysterectomy when I was dealing with a post op infection and pain, the surgeon actually sent me on my way with Zoloft! I had to go to another doctor to get my infection treated, and they did an ultrasound of one of the incisions and it showed a large hematoma which was the cause of the pain. So now I'm only on a benzo (been on it for 15 years) and the vikes (which I've been on off and on, alternating with percs, or darvocet, or whatever, for as long as I can remember...took 3 percodans to get me to walk down the aisle at my wedding when I was 23, and here I am 23 years later with more medical hx so more opportunities for the pills!)

    Best Friend, hi! Just when I was going to reply to you on my very first thread, when I was seriously thinking of swallowing 210 pills and Michelle talked me through it, I was sent on "vacation" and didn't get to write back to you! I only have a minute...have to actually leave the basement and go pick my son up from tennis, but I love the reasons behind the user names here! Pets are the best, and I too, have cried over that poem Rainbow Bridge every time I read it! I truly think they know us better than we know ourselves sometimes, and so as much as we love to talk about our pets but fear others find it boring, then a site like the one you're a member of sounds great! I could go on and on about my cat, she's such a baby.

    So think about the user names....John 3:16 (with her faith), sadsister (whom I haven't seen around lately?), lisaaahub (and her going thru aa), and yours! So I'm not from Texas, my name isn't Alice, it really is Dallas, but because of the song "Willin' " by Little Feat (Eat a Peach anyone? LOL!), I was dubbed Dallas Alice about 1972. I have a feeling you'll know the line from that song, "...if you give me weed, whites, and wine, and you show me a sign, then I'll be willin' to be movin' " and somewhere in there is "...I see my pretty Alice in every headlight, Alice, Dallas Alice..." and so with my name being Dallas and all the hipster friends I had thinking it was cool, that became my nickname so many years ago.

    I have a lot to think about with the sub and/or the meth, but eventually...aren't some kind of withdrawals inevitable with whatever way of quitting opiates a person chooses? Be it c/t, sub, meth, tapering, whatever? I don't know, but for someone who doesn't know much, I sure do blab a lot...

    Till next time,

    Dallas Alice

    Last edited by DallasAli; 07-09-2004 at 10:28 AM.

     
    Old 07-12-2004, 04:03 AM   #15
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    Re: Dallas Alice? Calling Dallas Alice! Come In, Dallas Alice!!

    Good morning Dallas! I was having the same thoughts that you are right now. When I went to my 'sub' doctor, I had not even heard of suboxone, but I knew this doc would prescribe methadone for chronic addics for pain... so I went in, told him I was addicted and lied and said I had severe headaches and needed something for pain.

    Unfortunately (fortunately, for me), he absolutely would NOT give me methadone... but tried to sell me on Suboxone. But when he told me 'no high'... It just makes you feel normal, I was quite upset. This is why it took me another month before starting Sub. I was in early wds and was JUST about to get another 50 lortabs, (already placed my call) and a friend of mine was there and she opened the sub bottle, broke off a little piece (she knew how I was supposed to start taking it because she actually went in to see him one time with me) so It took someone standing over me and almost forcing me to take it. What was so hard is I knew once that drug was in me, all of the highs were gone.

    But Dallas, it didn't matter once it was in me... Once I got to the dose I needed to be at (8 mgs for about 8 weeks and then increased to 12 mgs) I've done absolutely fine and not wanted for a pain pill hardly at all. Especially now, like I've said... it's like that addict no longer exists. I've thought about how and when I'll get off of it. But believe it or not, I have read success stories of people getting off of it with slight discomfort for about two weeks and then back to full recovery after a month. But I've also heard horror stories about it.

    There are occasions when I get so sick of the side effects, I want to get off of it immediately. But, within two or three days, I change my mind until the next time my side effects become extremely bothersome. It's like now I know what meds and foods to eat to help with them. Who knows if I'll be on it forever. I hope not as I would really like to get back to my skinny self but my 'average' self isn't too bad either.

    I had severe depression when I 'got sober'... even though I was still taking an opiate, I had/have no high, therefore seeing the world for what it was and actually tackling every day life without the high was tough for the first few weeks... then my antidepressant kicked in.. but Im sure you know that several months ago I went through a break up and it threw me into the worst depression I've ever had... When I look back now, I'm sure that the depression was there all along, it's just that I was barely hanging on. But since I got on Welbutrin, all of that changed.

    Do you abuse the benzos too or just pain pills? Anyway, I've got to get ready for work. REALLY trying to get to work on time. I've got to tons to do. Also, just FYI for anyone that is reading, looks like my 'dream guy' did not work out. Oh well... I swear, just doesn' seem like it's in the cards for me to have a happy, loving relationship with a man. Let me rephrase... a NORMAL man.

    Oh, and as far as the money goes, you will probalby pay less than what you are paying now for all of your drugs. However, you will not be killing yourself in the meantime. Also, I've heard and seen people who do not react well to methadone. Anyway, I do hope you think about it... you will not be killing yourself. And would it hurt to just try it for short time, just to see what you think? And yes, Bup is the same as Suboxone... Think about it!!!! Your kids want their mother back. I didn't realize how much i had detached from my children until I was on sub... Gotta go but take care of yourself...

     
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