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    Old 09-29-2004, 12:30 PM   #1
    Silver Lining
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    Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    i'm so upset. we were "just" a day away from putting an offer on a house. so weird how one minute you can go from almost making a serious financial commitment with someone to breaking up with them the next.

    he and i just can't sit down and have a normal, leveled toned conversation about serious issues. every time we need to discuss something serious it turns into all hell breaking loose. and i am always the one to try and make it all better. he will never apologize or try to resolve an issue. he will just give me the silent treatment until i come to him and i end up apologizing for getting out of control for something he did that hurt my feelings. he's the calm one, i swear he's like a genius at disfunctional converstation, he will make it look like it's all me when his sarcasm and patronizing tones hurt my feelings. he will never see that he is mean with the choices of words and phrases he uses. they hurt like a knife sometimes. his apologies never say, "i'm sorry i hurt you or if i hut you i didn't intend to...he says or writes in emails and says, "i'm sorry if you feel hurt, it wasn't my intention." UGH, a sorry is taking responsiblity for your actions, and an "i'm sorry" can go a long way. it makes me so mad that he won't take responsibility for that, makes me feel as if he doesn't even know what he's doing is wrong.

    Anyway, i had the last straw yesterday. i had asked if we could sign something that stated the part of the money that i would be paying toward the house would go to equity and not rent to give me a little assurance that he wouldn't run off and take my part of the money i put into the house since i thought my name wasn't going to be on the title or deed (which turns out in the end my name would have been on it, but that doesn't change the fact that it's not outlandish crazy to ask for something like that as there are no guarentees in life) i thought it was reasonable. he FREAKED out and thought it was just crazy! I said, what advice would you give your daughter or better yet your mother in my situation? he said, dont' marry someone you don't trust.

    UGHHHHHHHHH this has nothing to do with trust and he cannot understand that. anyway, besides that point, he was very rude to me and patronizing because i had called this paper a prenuptual agreement and he just ripped me to shreds sarcastically stating that's not even what it was called. ANYWAY!!!! my whole issue with this is he always treats me this way when we are having normal serious adult conversations. i told him flat out that i was sick of him talking to me this way and i didn't deserve it that i deserve to be treated like an adult. he would not apologize for it, oh wait, he said, i'm sorry you feel that way, it wasn't my intention. i dont' give a **** about if you intended it, you freaking hurt my feelings and now own up to it you jerk and give me an apology...it's not that much to ask!!!!!

    Am I nuts??? anyway, he ignored me for freakin two days on this topic, i finally went home early yesterday from work, i wrote out all the pros and cons about him and our relationship and guess what there were 10 times more cons and the good doesn't nearly outway the bad. so i walked up to him last night as he was pouting at his computer and told him that i dont' want to buy a house with you and in fact, i feel that if we can't hold a normal converstation and treat each other like an adult about serious issues then we are going to have one hell of a time being together and owning a house is just going to make it a lot worse down the road to split up. i just didn't feel confident at that point to buy a house with him if he was going to treat me like **** for wanting to protect myself.

    he can't and has never been willing to put himself in my shoes. he acts as if he's mr perfect and he can never do anything wrong. he never admits when he's wrong, never! asking for an apology from him is like pulling teeth. am i freaking wrong for wanting an apology for that? it drove me NUTS when he didnt' return one after i told him how he apologized by saying, "i'm sorry you feel that way" just doesn't say you're sorry. am i wrong???? i'm so frustrated because it's like this ALL the time. he won't own up to being a jerk and hurting my feelings by sarcastic remarks during serious discussions and what PISSES me off the most is that i have a temper and i'll start to spout off and then it all looks like it's me and i caused the whole thing. UGHHHHHH.....then i'm the one apologizing and he gets away with it. I HATE THIS. However, i was good this last time around, i only emailed him and told him how i felt and i was very adult about it and that's why i'm just so ****** i never received anything back. so that was it, that was the last straw i said to myself i cannot marry a man who won't take responsibility when he is being an arse. i undersand people have their moments in life and we all tend to have tempers and say things wrong, but C'MON you have to have some sense that saying hurtful things deserves an apology....maybe i'm just freakin nuts. maybe i'm just toooo freakin sensitive to be in a relationship. ALL I ASK is for my significant other be FAIR about stuff like this. I CAN'T handle it!

    So, I did it, I told him I don't want to be with him anymore. He's actually a very decent person other than this, he doesn't yell and would never hit me. He's responsible and funny and extremely articulate and smart. It's so hard for me to walk away from a person that has so much but I just can't communicate with!!! It's so disheartening, I'm just at my witts end. I'm 32 and been in 3 long term relationships...UGHHHHH to start over again at this age???? I swear I need to just get a house on the corner now and start breeding those cats cause this is where it's going for me =(.

    Thanks a sheet load for reading this...I just hope that someone will be honest with me and tell me that i'm being irrational or to sensitive. I just hope that someone can relate or understand me because my Fiance sure doesn't have a clue. =(

     
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    Old 09-29-2004, 12:42 PM   #2
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    Re: Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Silver Lining

    So, I did it, I told him I don't want to be with him anymore. He's actually a very decent person other than this, he doesn't yell and would never hit me. He's responsible and funny and extremely articulate and smart. It's so hard for me to walk away from a person that has so much but I just can't communicate with!!! It's so disheartening, I'm just at my witts end. I'm 32 and been in 3 long term relationships...UGHHHHH to start over again at this age???? I swear I need to just get a house on the corner now and start breeding those cats cause this is where it's going for me =(.

    Thanks for sharing that post with us.... Its a good thing to vent and we will listen to as much as you need to.

    I will tell you the trueth about your average male. He is the spitting image of one. A lot of males don't communicate and it does make it hard. You have to find ways to get them to open up. You had many nice things to say about him in this last part of your post.

    Now, maybe you could put some of this all together and maybe you both can work on his flaw. You could do some relationship counseling if you really saw things into the future.

    I know that you are fustrated over thing and I can respect that this may be your final decision but maybe you both can talk. Another words you state what you want and he listens. Let him know what it will take for you both to try again. Tell him all the nice stuff you told us but you just want him to talk and think more about you too.

    Its going to be hard to find a man that will just open up. I may be judgmental here but stats show most men dont communicate weel and as for reading and posting here its true. I am not sure you will find someone that will fit what you want. You can try posting an online add and put "communication" under what you are looking for.

    We are here to listen and I wish I had better advice but I hope things go the way you want them to.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 01:01 PM   #3
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    Re: Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    Hey there!
    I was involved with a guy like that. I came to the realization that it all stemmed from his immaturity and his upbringing. It didn't matter what we were fighting about (even if he was to blame 100%), he would always find a way to turn it around so it was me who was appologizing. He'd turn his head like he was refusing to forgive me and it would take a lot of begging to end the fight, and I'd be the fool who would beg! Then one day I caught myself. What was I doing?? This guy had mastered the art of manipulation and all it took was the refusal to "grow up" and take responsibility for his actions! Getting away from him was the best decision I ever made. It would never have worked out because I was shouldering 100% of the burdens. Eventually I would topple over. It sounds to me like you did the right thing. Consider yourself a very strong person! But that doesn't mean it won't be difficult and you won't second-guess yourself. I know it's hard when the guy has so many wonderful qualities... you just wish you could change the one or two things you don't like about them. You get sucked into this image of your "perfect guy", and end up dwelling on how you WANT it to be instead of accepting it for what it IS. He may be a wonderful person, but maybe he's just not YOUR wonderful person. Maybe you need a little more out of a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that and especially nothing wrong with being 32 and single again!! How would you like to be 32 and married to someone who makes you miserable? You seem to know what you want and you're bold enough to make big changes in your life that are essential to obtain the things you want. Good for you! Don't doubt yourself. We're here for you!

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 01:04 PM   #4
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    Cool Re: Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    So you stayed with him for so long because??????

    Re-read your post. Except for one paragraph, you have nothing nice to say about this man that you were this close to marrying.

    Everyone had faults, and limits. And it sounds like you have reached your limit with his faults. You will not find a perfect partner - no-one is perfect! But sometimes it's more about being with someone whose own values, goals and sense of responsibilities parallel your own.

    You mention that you have to "start over" at your age. Just guessing, but I gather it's pretty important to you to be in a committed relationship with the goal of marriage very close by this age - do you feel that you should be married by now? FYI that if you go into every relationship thinking HE is the one, and rush into things just to reach that marriage goal, you will miss out on the joy of BUILDING a relationship and learning about each other. Getting to know someone takes time and patience. And there are times (many times) that you will find out during your quest of getting to know someone that that person may not be the ONE for you. It doesn't make him a bad person, or you a failure for investing the time.

    Don't settle, but don't rush.

    As for your current situation; I am not one to slam relationships, even if I have been deeply hurt. But we are all different, and I can appreciate your anger and frustration. For me, I always try to move forward and move on with grace and respect - for myself, and for the one left behind. Just something to think about.

    Take care.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 01:20 PM   #5
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    Re: Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    It sounds to me like dumping him was the best thing you could have ever done. Especially before you ended up footing the bill and he leaves you high and dry, maybe with a kid or 2 to add. Move on and find a guy that treats you right and appriciates you. They are out there..... I found one, and I aint even that good lookin
    LOL

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 01:29 PM   #6
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    Re: Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by natthebug
    They are out there..... I found one, and I aint even that good lookin
    LOL


    Don't be so harsh on yourself. You what you found was a gentlemen. Someone that sees beyond and still is attracted to you. I am sure you can't be ugly if you have found a gentleman that is attracted to you and see beyond you. These men are out there but will take some searching to do. I suggest start in Hollywood then move you way to Florida

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 02:28 PM   #7
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    Re: Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    wow thanks a ton you guys. i actually felt good after writing that but felt even better after i read what ya'll had to say. so, i guess these support boards really work! hehe.

    BTW, we had recently gone to counceling and our councelor told us you two haven't learned to communicate yet so don't try to do it until after you work on it some through counceling etc.

    Maybe I jumped the gun breaking up as we were trying to work on it. I just hit my limit last night and had to do something or I was going to literally blow a gasket.

    I've already given the ring back. My decision is final and if we end up working it out, it won't start from me...he will have to come to me first as I can't go begging after this point. I knew as I was handing him the ring that this this means business and I won't be able to undo it and I won't try. If he wants to try to work it out, I am willing but it has to come from him. The ball is in his court.

    Thanks a ton you guys! You really helped confirm a lot. I soooo appreciate the help!

    Last edited by Silver Lining; 09-29-2004 at 02:29 PM.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 02:35 PM   #8
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    Re: Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Silver Lining

    I've already given the ring back. My decision is final and if we end up working it out, it won't start from me...he will have to come to me first as I can't go begging after this point. I knew as I was handing him the ring that this this means business and I won't be able to undo it and I won't try. If he wants to try to work it out, I am willing but it has to come from him. The ball is in his court.


    I understand your point and this can relate to his communication, but my question is do you want him back?


    I put it like that because you never know what the future holds. I am sure you dont want to wait for him and its his lost that he doesn't come back. The problem I have with this is since he lacks the communication allready he may want to come back but doesn't know how to approach it.

    I may get a lot of grief here but I am only suggesting(ONLY IF YOU ARE WILLING)that you leave the door open. Contact him and tell him that you are willing to work things out and willing to start over. Do what you told us though and not give any effort at that point. Just leave the option to him. I would hate to hear back from you in 10 years from now saying that you regreted it all.

    Like I said though its your decision and you take it from here.

    Last edited by eightball61; 09-29-2004 at 02:43 PM.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 02:59 PM   #9
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    Re: Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    Ugh, yeah, regret is the worst. I would only want him back if he wants to be with me and admits there's something wrong on his part. But I don't want to leave him an ultimatum. We are living together right now and I doubt I'll be able to move out until the end of next month. He has some time to come to me to discuss things. He's so stubborn though that he probably wouldn't even ask to work on things and i'm near positive he’s thinking i'll be the one to do it. I'm also sure he's saying that I've made my bed… or is it… dug my grave ...well I think you know what i mean. Who knows, I'll keep you updated though.

    I do know what you mean about giving him the opportunity though to work on it or to come to me but I don't know how to do that without leaving him an ultimatum.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 03:03 PM   #10
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    Re: Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Silver Lining
    Ugh, yeah, regret is the worst. I would only want him back if he wants to be with me and admits there's something wrong on his part. But I don't want to leave him an ultimatum. We are living together right now and I doubt I'll be able to move out until the end of next month. He has some time to come to me to discuss things. He's so stubborn though that he probably wouldn't even ask to work on things and i'm near positive he’s thinking i'll be the one to do it. I'm also sure he's saying that I've made my bed… or is it… dug my grave ...well I think you know what i mean. Who knows, I'll keep you updated though.

    I do know what you mean about giving him the opportunity though to work on it or to come to me but I don't know how to do that without leaving him an ultimatum.

    He has a month or so to think it over....and it will be his choice. Like I said leave the door open and see if he will come in to talk about things.



    As you see I am not the one to give up so easily

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 03:38 PM   #11
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    Re: Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    Ok two observations and my opinions are pretty close to the bone on this.

    1. I did exactly the same thing as you and insisted my monies were drawn up in a Deed of Trust when we bought a house. I thank god i did because my suspicions were confirmed and at least I didn't end up potless! It's really not a case of 'not trusting' someone, it's a case of being financially responsible for yourself. I'm sure if you split up he wouldn't want to be expected to 'keep you' in the fashion to what you have become used to whilst together, so equally what's the other option? He takes half of what's rightfully yours, but you get nothing of his? umm, that doesn't sound right. He needs to get a grip ok? This is 2004, an age where men EXPECT us to financially contribute right down the middle because they don't want 1950's housewives anymore, they WANT our financial contributions, and let's be honest they are quite heavy ones too. So with that priviledge comes responsibilities and conditions and this is just one of them. If he can't deal with it. Tough. He's got no other choice. I'm telling you this, if you give in and you ever split up and find your money has been split 50/50 you will regret it for the rest of your life, because you are 'assuming' your house will rise in value...well guess what? sometimes with things such as recessions, they drop....and drastically, so if you halve your money with him you might find one day you come out of the house sale far poorer than you ever went in. Be wise.

    2. I think you apologize and accept his 'hissy fits' because you worry about being 32 and this being in a small line of long relationships that haven't worked out. Well guess what again? Welcome to 2004 where we live in a very selfish, complicated and fast paced world. The days of meeting someone at 18 marrying them at 20 and having baby no.1 at 21 are almost gone. It happens, but rarely. Most people I know are either never married, or having to start again. This appears to be the norm today. Whether it's good or bad, who knows. But it's certainly not unusual. Don't settle because you feel he is your 'last chance saloon'.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 04:09 PM   #12
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    Re: Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    I agree with NothingFazesHer. You did nothing wrong wanting to protect yourself. I also lived with someone and was engaged to him and we ended up breaking up. I am exactly 32 now as well, but we broke up a few years ago. Anyway, from what I've learned, I wouldn't want to buy a house with anyone other than my husband. It's just not worth it for me. Not even with a fiance. In fact, I probably wouldn't even live together before marriage either. It doesn't help anything. I know someone who had three very long term relationships and lived together for a few years with each boyfriend. She's now almost 40, still technically single, no children, living with someone she's engaged to for the past four years. They bought a house together but still don't have a wedding date. Engagement doesn't mean anything anymore. I don't even care about being engaged; I don't want it in fact. And the man you were planning to marry sure doesn't sound like someone who would make a very good life partner. He seems to be thinking only of himself. 32 is not too old at all, especially if you don't have children. You are now in the prime age for marriage, so don't waste it on someone who's not right for you. Look for someone who wants to be in a committed relationship and who is loving and understanding. I realized life is too short for dealing with BS. You won't believe how many men, especially younger men, like women in their 30s, because we are more real and know what we want, while still being young and looking good. Not to mention we are more sophisticated than before, and that's a turn on for a guy. If this guy is not who you want to spend the rest of your life with, don't waste another precious moment and don't feel guilty. I am now starting my life completely over, including going back for my masters degree, and so far, it's great. Sure, I have a lot of doubts sometimes, but I also have faith that it will all work out for the best. Being married to the wrong guy is the worst thing that can happen. I've seen it and it ain't pretty.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 10:25 PM   #13
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    Re: Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    I agree with Jeff that it's never a good idea to break up too hastily but I'm not sure that's the situation here. It sounds like you've put a lot of time and effort into overcoming your communication problems (seems like mostly his communication problems?), but he's just not mature enough to accept any responsibility and discuss things calmly like adults. It's interesting people bring up the age issue--I think true love can happen at any age, and disaster always follows when anyone tries to rush or force anything because they feel like they should be settled down by a certain age. What a shame it would be to settle for the wrong guy because you feel (not that you personally feel this way) that it's time to settle down, then a few years later meet the REAL love of your life, the guy you were truly meant to be with? Honestly, until you got to the part of your post where you mentioned your age, I was thinking that he was a LOT younger, more like a high school or college guy. I don't mean any offense hear, just calling it like I see it.

    I do realize that most men have some communication issues, but that doesn't mean you have to settle for a guy like that if communication is important to you. For me, communication is the third most important thing in a relationship behind love and trust: how are you ever going to weather changes and overcome obstacles if you can't talk openly and honestly? There's also a big difference between a guy having some difficulty expressing his feelings and being sarcastic, condescending, disrespectful, and hurting your feelings every time you have a serious discussion. On top of the fact that he can never truly apologize, express genuine remorse, or take responsibility for his actions, this is a huge red flag that he's not mature enough to commit to a serious relationship, let alone marriage. If he's acting like this now, it's only going to get worse as he gets more set in his ways and you have more and more issues to discuss as a married couple. It really sounds like you know he's not the right one. The right guy for you would never make you feel so bad, never be so callous with your emotions, and never belittle you like that. You deserve a guy who respects you, who makes you feel beautiful, brilliant, and most of all, adored. He should treat you with kindness, sensitivity, and patience. Maybe he won't be the best communicator but he won't treat you like a stupid child!

    Honestly, you seem like a very intelligent, sensitive, caring woman who deserves a man who will treat you accordingly. No one can ever judge a relationship unless they're in it, but from what you've said, it does seem like you've made the right decision in dumping him. Just because he has some great qualities doesn't mean they will outweigh his bad qualities. His immature communication will probably just continue to put distance between you--it already sounds like you feel alienated from him whenever you have any sort of disagreement. You really can't change a man, so if he has a problem you don't think you can live with in the long run, you're probably right. There are too many great guys out there to put up with someone who can't offer some of the most important traits for a successsful relationship, in my opinion. But of course, ultimately it's your decision--I just hope you don't take him back just to have someone around--this is the kind of thing that will keep you from being with "the one," who for all you know is right around the corner. If you aren't satisfied, isn't it better to take the time to get over this relationship and prepare yourself for the guy that can make you happy for the rest of your life, the guy who will never make you feel like this?

    Best wishes, and good luck!
    Stacy

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 06:32 AM   #14
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    Re: Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    Snails

    Again I dig you post. You say in it that communication is 3rd on your list and I understand that we all see that list differently. To me communication runs first. about 8 months ago it was like third but know that I have opened up more I have began to realize how important communication is on a relationship.

    In this case though the communication is lack but with most guys they are not talkers. She has done all she can and that why I tell her to leave the door open. If he doesn;t come around then so be it and move on.

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 03:27 PM   #15
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    Re: Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

    wow, i started to doubt myself again and after i read your posts i felt so much better.

    Sorry going to vent heavily again. Thanks.

    However, I do feel so confused right now. We hadn't talked since this happened and I completely lost it when he came to bed last night. He actually stayed home from work all day yesterday and he looked like he had cried all day long. So he asks if I minded if he slept in our bed, which actually surprised me that he’d ask. Anyway, it just felt so cold and sad trying to fall asleep next to him. UGH, so I lost it, I cried uncontrollably at the thought of being without him. I felt this wretched feeling in my heart like it was totally broken.

    So, I break down this morning (cause I originally said to myself the ball is in his court, grrrrrr) and I asked him if he'd give counseling another shot and he said yes. He cried, I cried and we hugged and off to work we go.

    He emails me today stating that he's not sure if he can "get over" the giving the ring back situation as he said it broke his heart. I told him I didn't regret giving him the ring back as I felt my heart was broken from not being able to communicate and being alienated while I try to resolve issues between us. That it wasn't out of spite, it was out of genuine "I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel" frustration. It was an "I give up", I can't do it anymore thing.

    So, he then asks, half expectedly, if I was going to continue individual therapy. And I replied and asked, are you? (we had agreed a long time ago that we would try and resolve our personal issues thru individual counseling and couples counseling...he stopped going to counseling a couple months into it while I continued and NEVER once did I nag him to go or complain that he stopped) He said, no, I think couples counseling will be enough for me at this time. Then he suggested I continue to see the couple’s therapist individually to resolve some issues I've had in the past with my father. I'm like that's actually a great idea and I continued to tell him it would probably help us immensely if you were to see our therapist individually so she could be unbiased and really give us insight to our problems with each other. Nope, he wouldn't agree to it but he said he wouldn't be opposed to it down the road. I asked why but he didn’t give me a good answer. So then I said, okay then that's when I'll start individually too. He said, what? out of spite??? I told him I thought it was only fair.

    So this basically says to me that he thinks the problems stem from me, that I need to continue therapy because I'm the crazy one who is causing all these problems. Again, he has an issue to owning up to having or contributing to problems. UGH!!!!!!!!

    So it basically ends with him coming back stating that we are broken up and we shouldn't be putting any demands or expectations on each other. We should just start over from scratch and continue to rebuild through therapy and we will see if we want to stay together or if it's worth rebuilding etc. I agree with this and all but it's like he again gets out of owning up to his part.

    WHATEVER!!!!!!!!

    I just hate the fact that I was weak and came to him to try to work it out. It was like I was faced with hell last night when I was crying my eyes out starting to feel like I was separating from him. I hate that my fear of that feeling will keep me from leaving him. God that feeling is like your heart is being ripped out of your body. I swear I'm weak.

    So, I guess this whole thing will go two ways...either we end up working on our issues and get through it or the dysfunctional communication will just get to me eventually and I won't care looking back.

    Anyway, you guys had some awesome points, I had to re-read them all and my head was continually bobbing up and down and I kept saying, ahuh-ahuh!. The age thing really hits home, I do feel like I’m rushing thing due to being in my 30’s. I'm not sure if I'm going to have kids or not but the buying the house thing might be rushing into things. The market here in Dallas is just too good to be true and I'm originally from California so you get a lot of bang out of your buck here that's for sure.

    We are definitely not going to buy the house (cry) now so that is probably a good thing. But you guys are right I probably deal with his crap because I'm 32 and think there's nothing out there for me and that I'm just spent.

    Oh and also, If I have to do this over I'm definitely not going to live with a guy again. This is the 3rd relationship and I've lived with all of them. I'm just a sucker and keep rushing into stuff. I guess I'm embarrassed too that my relationships don't work. Good lord if I have to introduce another guy to my family...sheesh!

    Oh and on the love, trust, communication thing. I'm gonna have to go with communication first, love becomes a choice after a while I believe and it's always underlying the relationship. Communication is what will keep the love alive so I'm gonna have to vote for Communication/Trust to be the leaders in relationships.

    Thanks for listening to me babble, I don't know what helps more, me babbling or reading your posts!

     
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