Just broke up with my fiance (LONG RANT, needed to vent)

of course it's hurtful. but let me tell you i had to start again at ur age, im 36, teenage kid, another of 12, and i'm having a ball, spent four months recently on business/play overseas in FL and had date after date after date. I'm not looking for anything serious so i had a ball....i dont think i'm washed up i think im a damn hot momma, with a great personality and they were lucky to have me!

Oh sweetie, I'm sure that babbling and getting advice are equally helpful . Don't beat yourself up about being confused and upset--it's only natural, and I think you are handling things impressively well and seeing things very clearly (especially considering all you're going through). I have to say, this guy just does not get it. You're too kind and diplomatic to say it, but it's HIM that has the real issues, HIM that is primarily responsible for the problems in your relationship. But once again, he's trying to push the blame onto you to avoid having to take any responsibility for his role. This isn't any different from belittling you, refusing to really apologize, and being sarcastic--he wants to avoid having to take an honest look at himself by communicating honestly and openly.

I can completely understand why you wanted to give things another shot: it's incredibly hard to give up on a relationship after you've invested so much time and energy. No one wants to feel abandoned and alone, and no one wants to feel like they've failed. But you've truly done all you could here. This guy is unwilling to accept any responsibility for any of your problems--imagine what your future will be like if he continually insists (and tries to make you believe) that every obstacle, every setback you guys face is entirely your fault. This has already damaged your self-esteem, and he will just continue to tear you down to avoid facing up to his own issues if you stay together. You were completely reasonable to want both of you to seek individual therapy--after all, he obviously has SERIOUS problems--he can't handle it because he has no one else there upon who he can deflect all blame and responsibility. Then of course when you called him on it, he felt threatened and had to accuse you of being petty, manipulative, and childish. ONCE AGAIN, it's the pot calling the kettle black, and if you let him keep this up, he's going to make you feel more and more screwed up, damaged and worthless.

You cannot let fear and sadness keep you from leaving such a poisonous relationship. It will never get any easier, as he will continue to undermine your self-esteem in an effort to make you think you can't do any better than to be with him. I know starting over seems really daunting and depressing, but it has to be better than being with a guy who constantly disappoints you, refuses to communicate, and treats you like a child when he's the immature, avoidant one. You gave him another chance, and then he backed down, saying he wasn't sure if he could get over what you did in giving him the ring back. Then when you refuse to be the only one going to individual therapy and implicitly admit it's all your fault, he backs down again. Then he wants to start over, which as you astutely realized is just another excuse to not own up to any of his mistakes or problems. You just don't deserve this kind of manipulation, and I can't imagine that he's going to get any better, probably just more brazen the longer you let him continue this behavior. I really wish you all the best--all I can say is I know there would be tons of guys that would give anything to have a chance with you, and who would act like mature, responsible adults rather than blame you for anything and everything that goes wrong.

Good luck and best wishes,
Stacy

Originally Posted by Silver Lining

I just hate the fact that I was weak and came to him to try to work it out.

You are not weak at all. Deep down something is telling you to keep with him. Its like I said previously about keeping the door open. He now realizes his mistakes and wants to work it out with counseling. Give him the benefit and trying to mae it right again. He did communicate last night bu expressing himself amd may want to continue because he doesn't want to lose you. You keep standing your ground though and see what comes in the future.

Thanks 8, I suppose you are right. But I still do not understand what men see as beautiful, Because really, I just don't see it in here. I have a wierd personality. I make people laugh say silly stuff. Am small framed etc, but its all in the face. I just don't get it.
Anyways silver. All I can say is, I have a friend I just found out is divorcing. She said he husband has been abusive to her. She never told me this before so it was such a shock. But one of the things she said to me reminded me of you. hen he would throw his fits and get all mad and hit her, he would give her a very clod and quik I am sorry. Then 2 minutes later he would be on the couch laughing as if nothing had ever happened. She would say" aren't you even sorry what you did?" And he would say" thats in the past I already said sorry." I didn't realize 2 minutes was in the past, They have been married 6 years. Have 3 children and she finalyl got to the point where she couldn't take it any more. His last outburst was in from of their children, 6, 4, and 1. But see his didn't start out as hitting. So just be careful if you do let this person come back around, Tell him he needs to get counseling for his issues, and maybe even medications, before you will consider ghetting back together. Anyways gotta run kids....

Originally Posted by natthebug

Thanks 8, I suppose you are right. But I still do not understand what men see as beautiful, .

You as a person knows what is beautiful to you or attracted to. To him he see different and he has his view, I have my view, and everyone else here has there view on beautiful. Be thankful you have a guy that see everything abouy you. You may call yourself ugly but in reality you are not if you have people that like you and care for you. You don't even have to have a partner to be considered beautiful. the people areound you like you for you and dont misjudge that ...... I am not being harsh...I actually had a smile after this post.

Wow this situation sounds sooo much like a relationship I was once in. I was the one who did the apologizing, otherwise there wouldn't be any, I was the one who tried to make things better, yet he was the one who said the spiteful things that hurt me.

All I can tell you is walk away.....for now. Give him space, do not contact him. He will expect you to try to "make it better" like so many times before but don't. As much as you want to reach out and communicate, don't. Easier said than done I know!

After you don't respond for days, weeks, months, it might dawn on him what a jerk he's being and how your relationship was one-sided with you doing all the apologizing. If the time comes when he fully realizes how he's acting (he's a guy, don't expect miracles)........maybe relationship counseling would be a possibility down the road?

Keep us posted on how things go. I feel for you, I've been in similar shoes.

Again, thanks a ton for your responses. Can't even describe how helpful they are. Snails everything you said hit me like a ton of bricks and you nailed it on the head exactly. I'm actually looking at apts on line right now and going to try and move out. The situation is just so sticky, and right now I don't feel I have the energy to get out of it or work on it. I'd rather run away from it for now and at least gather the strength to see if I can try to resolve it. I think I've just gotten to a numb state, which might be the best thing for me to be able to leave. I think I need to work on me and give me the attention that I deserve because I think I've lost a lot of me from this whole experience. I still can't thank you guys enough for listening to me. You're the best!

Originally Posted by Silver Lining

I think I need to work on me and give me the attention that I deserve because I think I've lost a lot of me from this whole experience.

When being in relationships people do lose who they are because they begin the attatchment as working as one with thier partner. Running away soesn't always solve anything. It more puts it on hold to face down the road. You can still move out but dont do it to run away from all of this because it may just come right back and take that much longer to get over. You do need to think of you and you have the right mind set....goodluck and we are here

Originally Posted by eightball61

When being in relationships people do lose who they are because they begin the attatchment as working as one with thier partner. Running away soesn't always solve anything. It more puts it on hold to face down the road. You can still move out but dont do it to run away from all of this because it may just come right back and take that much longer to get over. You do need to think of you and you have the right mind set....goodluck and we are here

I didn't mean to say I was running away from the whole issue. Maybe running away was the wrong set up words to use, maybe taking a break is a better way to explain it since I need to regroup myself before I can give anymore to this relationship.

Originally Posted by Silver Lining

I didn't mean to say I was running away from the whole issue. Maybe running away was the wrong set up words to use, maybe taking a break is a better way to explain it since I need to regroup myself before I can give anymore to this relationship.

Thats what I figured you meant but I like to clear stuff up giving it all a break and space is a great idea and thats what you need. Living there will just mix you up more mentally.

Hi Silver Lining,

I was so happy to see your post--I was hoping that I helped a bit. I didn't want to be too harsh on someone that you care about, but I just hate to see a really smart, perceptive woman like you being treated so poorly. You deserve SO MUCH better, and I'm thrilled that you realize it. I agree with Jeff, PLEASE don't see leaving it as running away. I do hope that you insist that he makes changes before you consider giving anything more to this relationship. You have already given so much, tried everything to make things work, and he seems completely unwilling to give anything in return. This can't help but make you feel, at least somewhat, like you don't deserve a partner who will return all the love, care and effort that you give to him.

If it was me, I wouldn't give him another chance until he accepts some responsibility and agrees to prove, not just say, that he is willing to change. I think going to therapy on his own would be a good condition for going back...if he's not willing to do that, it's a big red flag that no matter what he says, he still doesn't think he's done anything wrong or bears any responsibility for the problems in your relationship. You need to focus your attention and energy on yourself, on healing and regaining your strength. You've given all your attention and energy to him and your relationship for so long (without getting much back, but I guess to him, if everything's your fault, he figures that you should be the one doing all the work to repair everything), that you must be completely drained. I hope you can be completely selfish--I know that must be hard for someone so caring and giving --for awhile until you have the perspective and distance to see him and the relationship clearly. Until then, it's probably premature to think of reconciling; you need to be strong to ensure that he will really make some meaningful changes if you decide to give it another shot.

While I totally agree with what you've said below, it sends up some red flags, because it reminds me of the way someone would talk about an abusive relationship ("getting out," "being numb," losing yourself"). From what you've said, I'm not sure you can label your relationship abusive, but he does seem willing to put you down, to blame you for everything and make you feel bad, just to avoid taking a long hard look at his own flaws and problems. Whether or not this qualifies as emotional abuse, it's certainly not the emotional support that you need and deserve. He seems to have sapped so much of your strength that it's incredibly hard to leave, which I would imagine was his intention, whether conscious or not. The last sentence of yours that I quoted here is the most perceptive thing said by anyone so far on this thread, and you could not be more right!! I admire you so much, for so many things but especially for seeing things so clearly, even amidst all this turmoil--I doubt that I would be that strong or wise if I was in your shoes. Please, please spend your time caring for yourself--you need and deserve your own kindness and patience right now, you need to get back what you've lost of yourself because every ounce of you is brave and wonderful.

(Honestly, I think you need a guy that will worship all your amazing qualities, love you, comfort you, share himself with you, work on your relationship together, as equal partners, sharing equal responsibility. More than anything, I'd love to see you with a caring, giving man who will make your life EASIER rather than harder, who will imbue you with strength, energy and self-esteem rather than drain your energy and make you feel inadequate, sad and confused.)

"The situation is just so sticky, and right now I don't feel I have the energy to get out of it or work on it. I'd rather run away from it for now and at least gather the strength to see if I can try to resolve it. I think I've just gotten to a numb state, which might be the best thing for me to be able to leave. I think I need to work on me and give me the attention that I deserve because I think I've lost a lot of me from this whole experience."

Have a good weekend, sweetie--spoil yourself, take a bubble bath, eat your favorite foods, take a long walk, maybe a manicure or a massage? You deserve to take care of you and put YOU first, and mostly to be happy. Keep us posted, OK? I know we're all pulling for you and just want to see you do what's best for you.

Best wishes, Stacy

Stacy, thanks for responding and again you're so right on the money. I was so happy that there was a post as I needed to hear everything you said at that particular moment.

The thing you said about possibly it being an abusive relationship really got me to thinking. I have thought that before. However, the things that bother me about him are so subtle most of the time that I blame myself for interpreting his tones or what he says wrong and think that it's me being sensitive. In fact, that's what he tells me. He says I'm the one that's very defensive. That I interpret everything wrong. In fact, it happened tonight...don't even want to get into the details about it but after our conversation it made me want to come in here and get on these boards. I feel so disconnected from what is the truth (if it's me being sensitive or is he truly just not aware that he's very insensitive and downgrading) I begin to doubt myself and start to feel like a nut case. So the abusive category might not be too far off. If I had to guess, it would be some type of passive aggressive behavior and emotional abuse but nothing intentional. Or maybe I'm just nuts! =)

Something else you said really stands out too,

"Honestly, I think you need a guy that will worship all your amazing qualities, love you, comfort you, share himself with you, work on your relationship together, as equal partners, sharing equal responsibility."

this really hit me hard cause it's what I've been craving from him. I'm craving to be understood, to be comforted and uplifted. I never leave a conversation feeling any of those. I definitely don't feel like an "equal partner". I feel like his buddy that he teases excessively and everything is a joke, there's no seriousness to him. I can't relate to that and hate to be the butt of his jokes. If they bother me, I'm being sensitive. Or if I don't get that he's joking, he's like "i'm only kidding, geez". UGHHHH!!!! Can I just have a minute of real, serious communication???

I think I'm finally realizing after today that he's not the right guy for me. This hurts me so much because I moved to TX from CA after him. I'm kicking myself in the arse because I followed my heart without evaluating what the consequences were if it didn't work. I didn't spend a lot of real life time with him. We were friends and dated a few times 7 years ago. We kept in touch as friends after he moved away to go to school but it was 90 percent online. So, this is a huge lesson to me - following him all this way, spending all that money to move without fully knowing what I was getting into. I feel like such a dumbarse. And I really thought this was it. I thought the game was over.

So anyhoo, we did agree that I'm moving out. I did make counseling appts for him and I but I decided that I'm going to go to individual therapy and work on myself instead of the couples thing. We decided we would just put on the brakes and put the car in reverse and slow way back down and just be friends. I'm not going to concentrate on anything but myself. It's gonna tear up my heart to leave and feel alone in a state I hardly know anyone. I know I'll eventually be okay, but I've never felt so confused about myself. And you're right, I've lost a big part of my identity through all this. I need to get that back.

Thanks sooooo much for your support, it feels so good to be understood. I couldn’t appreciate it more. =)

Originally Posted by Silver Lining

this really hit me hard cause it's what I've been craving from him. )

You are craving him because you miss him. You have noticed though that you need to move on because he isn't right for you. You feel like this because you have been in a longterm thing with this guy and all of a sudden it came to a halt. You will feel like this and its totally normal. You were strong eneough to leave and you are strong enough to fight these feelings. See the counseling and that will help.