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    Old 11-16-2004, 01:32 PM   #1
    cuddlyy
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    i feel like a loser girlfriend

    i dont do much with my life...at all and i feel so unattractive witht his fact,my boyfriend has loads of friends,when hes online he has zillions of people contacting him,and im there feeling so alone like i dont hav a friend in the world and im totally shy and the only person i hav talkin to me is the person i started the conversation with.,and altho i try n make an effort with his mates,i get this awkward silence cos theyv not bothered to start a conversation with me either why shud i always start? and i feel so unhappy,he has all these people that like him and i have noone that lieks me,i feel boring,unlikeable and very unpopular when hes not with me hes out with his mates apart from work and he has a laugh everytime,and when he asks what iv been up to i cant say much so i seem very undesierable and its making me very very down.could i be very unattractive cos i am very inward and find it hard to make friends and speak?! he has so many friends and comfort with them i doubt if i wasnt ther he wud easily forget about it please help!

     
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    Old 11-16-2004, 01:45 PM   #2
    eightball61
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    Re: i feel like a loser girlfriend

    Why do you feel like a loser again? What about your own friends? It does seem like you have jealousy issues. Please dont take this the wrong way. You do have low-self esteem issues that need to be worked on if you are willing to take this route. You will feel this way for a long time if you dont take the proper routes like speaking with a professional.

    Have you approached you BF with your concern? You all could go out with his group of friends or he can spend more time with you. I don't really have an idea how much he spends online but if he is on it 24/7 then he does need to make some changes. His goal as a BF should be to make you fell wanted. Right now you are having a hard time trying to adjust to that. Take consideration what I have hear and go from there.

     
    Old 11-16-2004, 01:46 PM   #3
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    Re: i feel like a loser girlfriend

    Did you ever think that your boyfriend likes you beCAUSE you are not Ms. Social???
    Maybe he likes the fact that you are there for him instead of out with friends all the time.
    And that you like to listen to him - not do all the talking.

    There are some cases were being opposites can actually end up being a good thing!
    If this relationship lasts awhile you may actually find yourself feeling more comfortable getting out with people, and he may learn to appreciate those quiet one on one conversations...

    That said, it never hurts to practice feeling more confident than you are - kind of an acting gig in a way!
    Or getting a few outside interests like a volunteer job or something.
    And if it helps, when I was younger I I was just like you - -
    Only getting older made ME more socially comfortable!

     
    Old 11-16-2004, 01:51 PM   #4
    cuddlyy
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    Re: i feel like a loser girlfriend

    this is a big major issue for me and its one of the big reasons why im terrified of losing him,i feel like he would dump me for some overly confident bitchy girl thast wud treat him badly cos shes got so much goin on with her life shes not always there,,im scared of losing him i feel like im an irritant and like thers someone better than me why do i feel this wayi wish i didnt

     
    Old 11-16-2004, 01:56 PM   #5
    eightball61
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    Re: i feel like a loser girlfriend

    Your insecure about losing him and you have alot of insecurity issues. I will say its hard to overcome this. I had a mild condition of it but the way that you are feeling is that I do suggest professional help. There are people out there that will bring new light to you. There is alot of goodness in this world. The human mind is wierd and like to trigger off bad things and thoughts. You can help it but you have to put the foot in to make that proper step.

    You are worried about losing him now but if you continue these ways he may just get irritated by the whole thing and leave. I had to change because I had a fear tha my GF would leave because of this. I am still helping myself out because it all takes time but I now see more positive in this world.

     
    Old 11-16-2004, 02:10 PM   #6
    Ninispjc
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    Re: i feel like a loser girlfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cuddlyy
    i dont do much with my life...at all and i feel so unattractive witht his fact,my boyfriend has loads of friends,when hes online he has zillions of people contacting him,and im there feeling so alone like i dont hav a friend in the world and im totally shy and the only person i hav talkin to me is the person i started the conversation with.,and altho i try n make an effort with his mates,i get this awkward silence cos theyv not bothered to start a conversation with me either why shud i always start? and i feel so unhappy,he has all these people that like him and i have noone that lieks me,i feel boring,unlikeable and very unpopular when hes not with me hes out with his mates apart from work and he has a laugh everytime,and when he asks what iv been up to i cant say much so i seem very undesierable and its making me very very down.could i be very unattractive cos i am very inward and find it hard to make friends and speak?! he has so many friends and comfort with them i doubt if i wasnt ther he wud easily forget about it please help!
    Cuddly, I had a similar experience. I dated a guy who had many friends, none of whom seemed to like me very much, or who seemed to want to talk to me or whatever. Unfortunately, I feel this is one of the things that led to our break-up. BUT...that does NOT mean the same has to happen to you!! I think part of the reason why his friends didn't really respond to me is because they probably knew all the things he said about me when I was not around, they knew he wasn't that into me, so why should they invest their time in me if they knew I wasn't going to be around long? But if you're naturally very shy and introverted, it could be your fellow's friends just dont' know what to say to you. My suggestion is that you embrace the fact that you can't live your whole life through your boyfriend. He should enhance and enrich your life, but he should not be your whole life. The best way to start building a life of your own is to work on your self esteem. You may even want to consider professional help with this, perhaps a therapist well-versed in cognative behavioral therapy. This will help change your thinking patterns, and help you get out of the negative, "I'm such a loser, no wonder no one wants to talk to me" mindset and help you think more positive thoughts, which will help you be better able to create more positive results. At the time, I didn't see that my attitude was contributing to the situation. I wanted so much for my ex's friends to accept me and like me, that I forgot to make an effort to reach out them and befriend them. Looking back, I can see how closed off I was to them. No, most of them weren't the type of people I would have chosen to hang around with, but I now see how I could have been warmer, friendlier, less judgmental, and more open and giving. Strange as it sounds, there's a song that really helped to open my eyes, too late, but it opened my eyes nonetheless. It's called Happy Girl by Martina McBride, and some of the lyrics are:
    I used to hide in a party crowd
    Bottled up inside
    Feeling so left out

    Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes
    With my frozen smile
    And my lighted fuse

    Now every time I start to feel like that
    I roll my heart out like a welcome mat

    Learn how to roll your heart out just like a welcome mat. I think this starts with feeling comfortable in your own skin. If you're not comfortable with you, no one else will be. Next time you're out with your fellow and his buddies, give yourself an assignment. Have at least a 5 minute conversation with at least 3 different people associated with your boyfriend. Make a list beforehand of conversation starters and memorize it before you go. Things like the latest movies, the weather, work, or things more specific to your crowd of people, like the club you all went to last week, or something else you may have in common simply by virtue of going to the same places and knowing the same people. Strive to get to a point where you're able to forget about yourself and concentrate on what the other person in saying, on making them comfortable and really plugging into what they're talking about and connecting with them on their level.

    I'd also suggest getting more involved with your own life. You say you feel bad that you basically have nothing to contribute to the relationship as far as what you have to offer as a person. Well change that! After all, you're the only one who can. Take a class (dancing, cooking, self-defense, foreign language, or whatever you've always been curious about or wanted to know more about) go the the library and check out some books that look interesting. Check with the information desk to see if there are any interesting discussion groups that meet there. If you like crafts, go to your local hobby store (Hobbie Lobbie and Michael's are great) and see if they have knitting, crotcheting or other craft classes where you can meet intersting people who share your interests. Do you have a dog? Enroll him/her in an obedience class at your local Petco or PetSmart. Explore yourself, find out what you love, what you have a passion for, what makes you tick, and then feed it. This is a great way to make yourself more interesting because really, the most interesting people are just people who are living their lives to the fullest and who are doing their best to reach their full potential. When your guy is having a boy's night out, instead of sitting at home moping, use that time to make a date with yourself and unleash all the fabulosity that makes you special and unique! Good luck to you.

     
    Old 11-16-2004, 02:54 PM   #7
    cuddlyy
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    Re: i feel like a loser girlfriend

    how do i become more desirable though?

     
    Old 11-16-2004, 03:01 PM   #8
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: i feel like a loser girlfriend

    Your best bet would be to re-read Ninispjc's again and try some of those ideas!!

    Desirable actually comes from the inside out despite what all the advertising companies and magazines covers would have you think.

    Sit down somewhere where you will see alot of people go by. Really look at all the couples you see - especially the ones that are in their late 20's and older...
    You'll see some very plain, average, normal women who has someone who loves them very much.
    It comes from the inside!!

     
    Old 11-16-2004, 03:17 PM   #9
    Ninispjc
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    Re: i feel like a loser girlfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
    Your best bet would be to re-read Ninispjc's again and try some of those ideas!!

    Desirable actually comes from the inside out despite what all the advertising companies and magazines covers would have you think.

    Hail Hail and Amen three times over! This is what took me so long to get through my thick skull. No matter how beautiful or "hot" you are, a man can look for only so long. Yes it's important to take care of yourself, eat right, get exercise, take care of your skin and hair, put your best foot forward, but no matter how pretty you are, there will always be someone hotter, younger, prettier. You will never feel free, strong and comfortable in your own skin by being the prettiest one there. Don't you know some guys who just go nuts for Brittany Spears, and some guys who don't like her at all? Some guys who think Tyra Banks is a total babe and some guys who would step all over her to get to Heidi Klume or Elle McPherson? And some guys who think all those girls are dogs compared to Kiera Knightley? Beauty is subjective, and only skin deep. The true, real beauty is knowing yourself, being the best you that you can be, and being at peace with who you are. This enables you to be the kind of person that has the kind of beauty that hooks a man for life long after physical looks fade: generosity, thoughtfulness, the confidence to go out in the world and offer it all your riches, without robbing someone else of their power or personality, strength, courage, the ability to be right without making others wrong, warm-heartedness, being happy for others' good fortune, etc. Look at it this way: Is your boyfriend desirable to you because he's the cutest guy in town with the best body and the nicest car? Or is he desirable to you because he's funny, smart, fun to be with, confident, friendly, sweet, considerate and thoughtful, etc etc etc? The same applies to you. Within the last 6 months or so, I met this woman at work. She's physically attractive, but hardly a supermodel. Hardly really a classic "beauty" at all. But her best feature is her eyes. They are a brilliant greenish-blue, so she plays them up with very flattering eye make-up. She plays down her other features. She has a small gap between her two front teeth so she never wears dark or bright lipstick. She keeps in shape and wears clothes that are not tarty or too revealing, but feminine and flattering to her own assets. She has learned to make the most of what she has. But most importantly, she has an air of openness, friendliness and confidence that everyone loves. When she comes in the office (she comes in once a month) everyone comes running to say hi to her and talk to her because she makes everyone feel like a long lost best friend. She's totally comfortable in her own skin, always has a sweet, funny thing to say to everyone, looks on the bright side. This is by far what makes her so desirable. It's my goal to be more like her.

    Last edited by Ninispjc; 11-16-2004 at 03:28 PM.

     
    Old 11-16-2004, 03:54 PM   #10
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    Re: i feel like a loser girlfriend

    Does he smile when you meet him? How a person reacts when they first see you is a huge clue as to how they feel about you. Don't worry why it is that way.

    Think of it like adjoining jigsaw puzzle pieces. A perfect fit has nothing to do with all the other pieces.

     
    Old 11-16-2004, 04:07 PM   #11
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    Re: i feel like a loser girlfriend

    Hello Do U Have Any Friends?,i Went Through The Same And It Was Very Hard To Deal With, Do U Have Any Sisters Or Brothers? Anyone U Can Share Things With. If Things Do Not Get Any Better I Would See A Proffesional, Talking To Someone And Letting Things Out Can Help So Much Believe Me!!

     
    Old 11-16-2004, 04:29 PM   #12
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: i feel like a loser girlfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    A perfect fit has nothing to do with all the other pieces.
    heartlandguy, please promise me that you will never leave these boards...


     
    Old 11-16-2004, 05:12 PM   #13
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    Re: i feel like a loser girlfriend

    Thank you, Ruth. You are very generous!

     
    Old 11-17-2004, 07:02 AM   #14
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    Cool Re: i feel like a loser girlfriend

    There are many shy people in the world! It's not necessarily a bad thing, until it impacts your life in susch a way that it prohibits you from getting out and about, and/or makes you start to feel bad about yourself.

    If you "stay" shy because you think your boyfriend will break up with you if you aren't, that's no reason NOT to change a little, if you want to make some differences in your life.

    You state that you really have nothing much to say if you are asked about your day, because you don't do too much. You may want to look into doing some local volunteer work or join a local club. I know it might be difficult for you at first to just join or participate in something because you feel shy and think you have nothing to offer.

    But don't compare yourself to anyone else (and that includes your boyfriend). You are who you are, and you have the ability to change things in your life. There's always room for improvement, for everyone! So you may want to look at your shyness as a personal challenge, and strive to find ways to overcome it so you feel less self-conscious and bad about that part of you.

    If you do some searching and investigating, I am sure there are events in your town that you can participate in. When you call about them, you can always tell the person who is already involved that you are a little shy - someone will help you break the ice when you try something new. Just think about something that you think you may enjoy, and check it out.

    It's okay to feel awkward around your boyfriends' friends. You may want to tell your boyfriend, so he can help you feel more comfortable around them. It's sometimes hard to approach a person who doesn't smile or seems like they may not want to talk or join in, so even if you don't have anything to contribute to the conversation, smile and listen actively. I know it's hard to feel like part of the group, if you feel like you're always on the outside - so be patient with them (they may feel awkward too) and try to be social with them on a small scale and work your way up.

    It's hard to overcome feeling so shy and feeling awkward around others if you don't think you have anything worthy to share or contribute. But you can use this situation as a way to empower yourself to open up more. It will take some practice, but you can do it!

    If you continue to feel so down on yourself, and you feel you have little worth, you may want to seek some counseling to deal with these feelings.

     
    Old 11-17-2004, 07:16 AM   #15
    eightball61
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    Re: i feel like a loser girlfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    A perfect fit has nothing to do with all the other pieces.

    Thats a great qoute to the day....


    I gotta get some tea now

     
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